Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

@Takethewinefromtheswine

And the OP has confirmed that is exactly what happened

There was no "agreement" to attend from DD, it was more "we're going to soft play with ChildA on Saturday" which she was fine with.

I wouldn't be impressed either if a friend took off half way through a dinner, but children going along with their parents plans is hardly the same is it

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I wouldn't be impressed either if a friend took off half way through a dinner, but children going along with their parents plans is hardly the same is it

When I was the child in that situation, I would go talk to my mum and saying I’m getting tired, to make clear that I was ready to leave. My mum would probably have responded just do 15 mins more with her, then I’ll take you home for a relax, and I would have said ok. My mum would not have been ok with me deciding to ignore the other child, it’s rude. Adults and children often find themselves in social situations that would not be their first choice, and that at the end they find a bit wearing, but a child should learn to compromise 20 minutes of their time. Boy or girl, it’s manners.

I think you're mostly in the right but what I do think is a bit off is that you seem to think that your Dad's behaviour was not just acceptable but ideak. She needs to learn how to assert her boundaries but also while being considerate of the feelings of others - 'you should do what you want regardless of if it upsets your friend' isn't an ideal lesson and you might see it as very empowering now but she won't like the results of consistently acting like that and nor will she find them empowering.

Jesus who has time to worry about this shit

DD not dad - I'm sure your father's social skills are impeccable!

I have always always always taught her to speak up when she feels her personal boundaries are being compromised, and not just put up with being unsafe, uncomfortable or unhappy to avoid offending anyone. I'm raising a little girl in a patriarchal world where girls are socialised from practically the day they're born to be polite and compliant and not to ruffle feathers. I'm trying to counter that and raise a girl who will stick up for herself and own her bodily autonomy

And yet you're failing to teach her any manners or social norms.

I'd say exactly the same to boys.

Kindness and manners apply whether you're male or female.

And yet you're failing to teach her any manners or social norms

What an odd comment, of course I'm teaching her social norms. Social norms don't begin and end at play date etiquette.

FWIW, she didn't just take off, she said to ChildA "I'd like to play on my own now"

It’s a hard balance to strike, and clearly you believe very strongly that you are the right pP(so not really sure why you have posted here).

You are bring up you child to put her needs and wants above the needs and wants of others. Being up a child to protect theMselves and not be a people pleaser is a great thing. To understand they can say no to things they don’t want to do, and put themselves first is okay. It is also okay to be a bit selfish sometimes.

Just be careful it doesn’t go too far. She also needs to understand social situations, and show a little empathy and manners.

...but you’re not? If she was in school for example and doing a group art project, and decided she’d had enough of working in the group, the teacher would tell her no please go back to your group and continue working together, you have 10 mins left. Yes you’ve had enough, but you all need to be a little bit flexible for the sake of everyone—I’m sure there would be others who would want to do an hour more, and who are being cut off.

It’s not about boundaries, it’s about learning a little bit of flexibility because the world doesn’t revolve around her. She’ll probably end up learning that the consequence of these “boundaries” is that other children think she is rude, and that she doesn’t get a second play date invite, or the other kids won’t engage with her on the art project, or others opt out of playing with her. Yes boundaries are healthy—always teach a child when they are uncomfortable with someone’s behaviour they should tell an adult—but that’s different to refusing a slight inconvenience in a way that makes them rude.

What about if she is half way through a school day and can't be arsed anymore? What if you are half way down the motorway and she decides she doesn't want to sit in a car for another 2 hours? What if (under usual circumstances) you were at a wedding and she wanted to leave just as the bride is coming down the aisle? Half way round asda "I don't want to shop anymore, I want to go home" do you abandon your trolly?

Fighting the patriarchy, great. I have 4 daughters who I am raising to be strong willed feminists too, but also I am raising them to be polite, and considerate towards others, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

It's not a hard and fast rule that she gets out of doing things every single time she gets fed up. If we HAVE to do something - like shopping, driving somewhere or going to a wedding, then we have to stay (although your examples don't involve her having her personal boundaries compromised by another person so are hardly valid in this context). But she has played with a friend for 2 hours, she's more than done her bit, she's putting her feelings first after that long.

At school she wouldn't abandon a lesson but she sometimes happily plays by herself at playtime when she feels crowded by her peers. She's very popular, teachers never once had a bad word to say about her since she started school 4 years ago, no issues arisen from parents of her friends.

I always see people claiming that children will find other children Very Rude because they did X/Y/Z and Not Be Their Friend - let me tell you as a teacher this rarely happens. Kids get on with it and go with the flow. It's adults who make weird rules up about what does and doesn't constitute Rude.

Why are you at the soft play venue? Who is the arrangement for?
From what I've gleaned from your posts,

• There's mums A and B who are there to socialize as two adults who get on/are friends
• There are 2 DC aged 8 ish, who get on ok, but aren't BFFs
• Some indeterminate number of younger children.

So when of the middle pairing, one child is channelling her inner Greta garbo, and the other child is upset by this, why aren't you leaving? Is it because the indeterminate younger kids are still having a great time? Is it because the adults aren't done?
Who is the priority in this scenario?

It is you who is painting a picture of a child who does as she pleases when she pleases with you on the sidelines encouraging it so I'm not really sure what your eyeroll was about there

Telling a kid, during a playdate, that she can't be arsed playing with her anymore, and wants to be alone, is rude, whether you choose to believe it or not.

You should have either wrapped up the playdate, or told your dd to play for another 15 minutes then she could have some chill out time at home.

@FlouncerInDenial

Why are you at the soft play venue? Who is the arrangement for? From what I've gleaned from your posts, * There's mums A and B who are there to socialize as two adults who get on/are friends * There are 2 DC aged 8 ish, who get on ok, but aren't BFFs * Some indeterminate number of younger children.

So when of the middle pairing, one child is channelling her inner Greta garbo, and the other child is upset by this, why aren't you leaving? Is it because the indeterminate younger kids are still having a great time? Is it because the adults aren't done?
Who is the priority in this scenario?

The arrangement is for all of us.

I didn't leave because, like I said before, neither of my kids were upset or wanted to leave and neither did I. I was enjoying my cuppa in peace. I'm not sure why I should have left because a child who wasn't mine got upset.

It is you who is painting a picture of a child who does as she pleases when she pleases with you on the sidelines encouraging it so I'm not really sure what your eyeroll was about there

I really don't paint that picture. I mentioned a couple of scenarios, please don't extrapolate.

The eye roll was because you began to compare this with other situations that were not anything like the situation today. I find Whatabouttery very dull.

And if you think that a child who:

• wants to play on her own at soft play
• wants to be in her room alone sometimes
• wants to play alone in the playground now and again
• These are the only situations I've actually mentioned and so I'm concluding that what you're basing your opinion on -

is a child who "does as she pleases when she pleases" then I worry about your comprehension skills or you're just being goady

I didn't compare anything, I asked the questions as you said I have always always always taught her to speak up when she feels her personal boundaries are being compromised, and not just put up with being unsafe, uncomfortable or unhappy to avoid offending anyone. I'm raising a little girl in a patriarchal world where girls are socialised from practically the day they're born to be polite and compliant and not to ruffle feathers. I'm trying to counter that and raise a girl who will stick up for herself and own her bodily autonomy. because those are all situations in which she could be uncomfortable or unhappy and want to leave.

So you've basically made up situations in your head deciding that my DD "does what she pleases when she pleases" because I've raised her to stick up for herself and respect her boundaries? How strange!

the arrangement is for all of us

But it stopped being that, didn't it. And yet the adults kept the status quo. Because you were enjoying your cuppa?

I don't think you need to worry about my comprehension skills here.

I asked questions, if that is 'making up scenarios' rather than asking what you would do, in your mind, then so be it.

You obviously didn't want to hear that you could have handled it better and encouraged your dd to be kind for 15 minutes rather than use it as an opportunity to smash the patriachy to smithereens.

Anyways you clearly have enough on your plate, so good luck with that, I'll bow out now

Sorry OP I’ve read all your updates and I still don’t get it? I feel like “boundaries”/“sticking up for herself” are not really the appropriate way to frame this issue. Both of those things are very important, but this wasn’t a case of the other child being mean or doing something to make your child uncomfortable.

I don’t really get why you’re asking for opinions when you clearly think you’re right? You’ve also said that there won’t be issues with children not wanting to be with your child because of this—well clearly you have evidence to the contrary from this play date, as the other child (and parent) won’t want to do this again.

I think the “adult getting up and walking out in middle of dinner with a friend” scenario is pretty much exactly what you are setting out here. It tells someone that you are uninterested in their feelings, that you are rude and inconsiderate—all for the sake of not having to make polite conversation for another 10 mins. I don’t think this is a good life lesson, sorry.

@FlouncerInDenial

the arrangement is for all of us

But it stopped being that, didn't it. And yet the adults kept the status quo. Because you were enjoying your cuppa?

Because I'm not the type of person to go "We've had a small bump in the road in this otherwise lovely day. VACATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY".

My kids didn't wanna leave. I didn't want to. Yes I was enjoying myself. Then again I'm the kind of person who teaches my kids that MY enjoyment is important too.

Seriously though, why should we have left?

well clearly you have evidence to the contrary from this play date, as the other child (and parent) won’t want to do this again

We're netting over half term actually. I know in MN land people fall out with friends for no reason, that's not me.

It tells someone that you are uninterested in their feelings, that you are rude and inconsiderateall

No it's my DD putting her feelings first for the short amount of time there is left to play. I don't necessarily have a problem with that. Absolutely different to walking out in dinner.
Although if you had a friend round and they went home early because they were tired for example would you think they were rude, inconsiderate and uninterested in your feelings?

why should we have left?

Because there was a child boo-hoo-hooing.

The youngest ch didn't care.

The middle pair were upset.

You were enjoying your cuppa.

So you could have chosen to grim at parent of crying child's mum "ooo. Its going tits up, let's try again next week "
You didn't