Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

if you and i were friends and went to a bar together

Expectations for children and adults are different, how have you managed to not notice this?

Child B is right
they can choose to be alone
But
Child A is right
they can decide that child B is no longer a
friend.

The mothers are a different matter and I can see both routes could end badly further down the line.

Against the grain here but team A. 8 is old enough to have manners. U don't play with someone and the decide actually no see u. Have alone time at home. They should have enough empathy to know they were being rude and hurting A feelings. That like me meeting a friend for a coffee and then deciding half way through the coffee to have it alone. U don't get to do what suits u at the expense of your friends feelings. Different if they couldn't agree on where to play or what to play with. But a blanket no i am no longer playing with u is rude at 8 imo.

U don't play with someone and the decide actually no see u

What about sex? Can you change your mind during sex or no?

If child A is so needy that they can't play by themselves for a bit and sit crying, A's mum should set up alone time more often. It's normal to be able to occupy yourself!

If I'm honest, I don’t think anyone was in the wrong here. When I was a kid, I was Child A and my best friend was Child B. Often she would disappear off during a play date because she was bored or had simply tired of my company. We're still friends now and she’s still kind of like that - although at least now she'll try to make an excuse for wanting to leave! When I first realised she was doing it when we were children, I was hurt. But over time I realised that's just the way she is and she could only cope with so much socialising before it overwhelmed her. Children often don’t realise the things they say and do can hurt others, so I don’t think Child B was trying to be a bad friend. But at the same time, Child A has every right to be hurt that Child B ditched her. They'll forget all about it in a few days anyway.

I think I may be Child B - I am renowned amongst my (adult) friends as being the one most likely to wander off for a bit and come back when I'm ready to interact again they haven't dropped me yet and I still actually like seeing them, so I guess the system works! It doesn't suit everyone, admittedly, and I've learned that the hard way. Your DD will benefit from the various chats you're planning to have with her OP, I'm sure.

Whatever. The only issue is the choice to have gone to a soft play thing, which are filthy cesspools when not in a pandemic. Absolutely grim and inexcusable. 🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠🦠

Why thank you, the honest truth is I don’t think it’s a big deal really, both kids are eight and just need a bit more understanding of how their behaviour impacts others. Because, well they are eight

Why not just say that to begin with then instead of constantly being nasty and sarcy to the OP

Child A’s mum and B’s mum could have gone to play with the child A. They had had 2 hours chatting. Child B might have joined in, but it would have been her choice. This could have brought them all together and everyone would have left on a high, and great friends. Child B‘S mum shouldn’t fall out with her friend over it.

I think everyone's wrong.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

A child being raised with boundaries that include telling a friend they 'want to be alone' part way through an out of the house play date.

She'd given 2 hours of her time. And yes I do hope I'm raising a child who doesn't sit somewhere, a meal with friends etc, too afraid to speak up that she wants to go home like me

That's just plain rude. What she effectively said was 'go away you are boring me now'.

No she wasn't. It wasn't personal, she'd have felt that way with anybody there. She's not there to entertain my friend's DD, she's not obliged to have anyone glued to her side when it makes her uncomfortable

The phrase ‘uncomfortable’ is interesting to me. I’m a primary teacher and one thing we were discussing professionally the other day is that children are very rarely expected to ever be ‘uncomfortable’ and to learn how to deal with that feeling.

This situation is a perfect example. Neither child was in harm or danger, but both parents think their child’s emotions are most important. Parent A thinks their child must be played with and not rejected and will berate another child to attempt to placate her child. Parent B thinks her child should be allowed to ditch a friend and upset her feelings because she can’t possibly be expected to tolerate playing with someone for a little bit longer.

Both children are learning that their comfort and happiness is more important than the needs of others. They are not learning to compromise or put themselves out even for a short while. They are not learning how to deal with a minor feeling of discomfort and to build some resilience that will help them deal with uncomfortable situations when they are older and no longer in a ‘safe’ environment.

A pp said society is more focused now on ‘me’ rather than ‘we’ and I would agree.

@telvg

Child A’s mum and B’s mum could have gone to play with the child A. They had had 2 hours chatting. Child B might have joined in, but it would have been her choice. This could have brought them all together and everyone would have left on a high, and great friends. Child B‘S mum shouldn’t fall out with her friend over it.

Aye ok then.

I’ve already said ChildA was well within her rights to express how she felt about DD. But yes she was a pest who made a big drama and was quite rude to me at the end. I'm just stating what happened

I also find it a bit sad that you’ve already explained child A has a difficult, potentially abusive, home life, but you still describe her as a pest who makes dramas. I would have hoped maybe you would see her as a little girl who maybe doesn’t get enough emotional support at home who is struggling to deal with her emotions....and perhaps needs a little more support and understanding.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

It is you who is painting a picture of a child who does as she pleases when she pleases with you on the sidelines encouraging it so I'm not really sure what your eyeroll was about there

Telling a kid, during a playdate, that she can't be arsed playing with her anymore, and wants to be alone, is rude, whether you choose to believe it or not.

You should have either wrapped up the playdate, or told your dd to play for another 15 minutes then she could have some chill out time at home.

Completely agree with this. Ditching your mate is rude.

@FuckKnowsMate

Why thank you, the honest truth is I don’t think it’s a big deal really, both kids are eight and just need a bit more understanding of how their behaviour impacts others. Because, well they are eight

Why not just say that to begin with then instead of constantly being nasty and sarcy to the OP

Read again how op describes child A. Goatinthegarden has cited one in the comment above. Op is nasty about a child. An 8 year old child. She has understandably got stick for that.

@Goatinthegarden
You speak a lot of sense. I agree that society is all about ME ME ME and it’s incredibly wearing. I’m bringing dd up to be about we and us as a society. Treating everyone the same. It is so refreshing when I find parents doing the same for it seems to me those people are in short supply. Dd finds my approach difficult and at times upsetting because I treat every child the same as her and refuse to “better” her when she gets “othered” by a lot of her friend’s parents... mostly in subtle ways.

Ok so im an introvert and I feel I want to add my ten pence worth...

Im on the side of child B mostly, with a few caveats. I actually think its great that shes being raised to stick up for what she wants. Tbh its a skill I learnt throughout my 20's. However, I also learnt that when you're done with social situations you have to phrase things in a certain way, to save animosity really (and probably to make sure you do still have friends who will still invite you places!) I think its time to teach your daughter this.

Child A's reaction bewilders me a bit. Crying for a full 30mins because someone wont play with you is a bit odd. Especially at 8 years old. Maybe child B phrased it in an unkind way? The reality is we'll never know. I suspect child A may need to learn a bit of resillience. I also suspect that if both mums started doing things together without the children, child A and B wouldnt be friends.....

Am I the only one wondering why soft play is even open in the middle of a pandemic 🤔

I was wondering that too @expatinspain; it's the perfect open petridish to spread bacteria and viruses.

I was glad when mine grew out of being invited to parties in them, having seen it all over the years. Unwatched DC running out with vomit and runny nappies, which had been dragged through ball pools. Outside play is much better than the cramped, hot, bug baths of soft play.

This one has stuck in my mind over the last couple of days. Having read all your updates OP, I think that to a significant extent, what you are doing is over-compensating, in an equal and opposite way, for your own (former) doormat tendencies, by raising your dd to be selfish.

You're focusing too much on your and her internal experience, too little on empathy for others and developing the skills required to interact with people.

What you both seem to be missing, is that assertiveness is based in good manners. If you know how to talk to people clearly, nicely and in a way that connects with them, then including your own needs in what you say comes easily. Haven't you noticed how the most socially polished people are exceptionally to the point and no-nonsense about stating what they want and making it happen? All without upsetting anybody?

Good manners are fundamentally about consideration for other people. Learning to look outwards, read people, think about their needs and communicate accordingly. Not stewing incoherently inside, until you're in danger of exploding.

So, while I get what you're trying to do, I think you're stuck in a rather passive, inward-looking mindset, that sees other people as a threat, rather than recognising them as fellow feeling, thinking people, with needs, preferences and struggles of their own. You need to teach your dd to perceive and connect with other people better.

So in this instance, I think you got it a bit wrong and that that would have been true, even if child A had seemed ok with being ignored.

Well articulated Lottiegarbanzo.
I agree entirely.

Lottiegarbanzo, I also agree. I think this kind of parenting also leads to flaky adults - the ones who are always cancelling meet ups because at the last minute they feel a bit anxious or a bit tired or whatever. One of the things I disliked most as a child was the fact that I was subject to my parents timetable, and couldn’t leave places when I wanted to, but it did teach me resiliance. Left to my own devices I’d probably like to act like child B, but people would quickly tire of me, just as I have tired of ‘friends’ who are only concerned about their own feelings and whims.

I look it at from the perspective that when my DC have felt left out or dropped it's a good time to teach resilience. Yes it doesn't feel nice and it does warrant being sad / crying, but also being alone is ok. If the DC said they wanted to run alone for a bit, the other DC could have chosen what she wanted, e.g. fast slides.
I hope my DC are not people pleasers or controlling, but flexible to be happy with themselves and with a degree of change.

@Enough4me

If child A is so needy that they can't play by themselves for a bit and sit crying, A's mum should set up alone time more often. It's normal to be able to occupy yourself!

Yes it is and the child is eight! She was behaving like a four year old.

I always thought 'soft play' places were for little children. Shows how much I know. It does surprise me that they are open at the moment.

It must be a nightmare for parents to have to sit there the entire time.

@jessstan1 but poor child A is living in an abusive household and has also just been through lockdown - living in there for months at a time with no escape to school and friends. I think it isn’t surprising the poor kid is vulnerable