Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

My DD is like Child B. Luckily, all her friends 'get' her. (Child A in our lives is often her sister, but fortunately she respects her sisters need for quiet now). It's not a case of sucking it up or being polite... At her limit she just can't communicate anymore. But given space and quiet, she relaxes.

[EffYouSeeKaye]

I’m all for raising strong, independent, outspoken women who won’t be walked all over in their relationships and careers by the patriarchy. Completely applaud that, op.

It is equally important to raise children to be kind, though. Sometimes, occasionally, we do need to do something we don’t particularly want to do, for the benefit of somebody else, or the bigger picture, because it’s the kind thing to do.

[Frdd]

It’s a bit odd to want quiet time in a soft play.

Perhaps that’s not the best environment for child B to socialise in if they are prone to overload.

[Hardbackwriter]

You're so insistent on your DD centring her own feelings but then you're cross that A told her she was a bad friend and that upset your daughter. By your logic shouldn't A have the right to express herself? Wouldn't it be a terrible oppression if she was expected not to say how she felt because it would upset someone else? Why shouldn't A prioritise her own feelings?

[yellowmaoampinball]

I think people have weird over expectations of kids in here. Neither child was 'wrong'. They're both 8! They encountered an awkward social situation. B had had enough of socialising and because she's a kid she just wandered off and left her friend. A was enjoying playing so felt upset at being left. Both completely understandable for kids that age.

The parents in this situation need to chill out, defuse the situation and not get their backs up at the other kid. I'd have considered it a win they'd played nicely for 2 hours in all honestly. Both mums showing a bit of understanding towards the other kid would have probably gone a long way.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You wrote this op in a way, which elicited replies that mum B / child B was in the right. Your last comment showed just how lacking in empathy for child A you actually are. As bluntness said, this has nothing to do with the patriarchy or ignoring you boundaries. This is about 2 parents, neither of whom handled the situation well. So own your part in this.

My dd is 12. She has a friend, who is very much a home body and will suddenly decide she’s had enough and go home. It is very difficult for my gregarious dd to understand at 12. Think a bit about how much more difficult it is at 8.

Yes your dd has the right to quiet time. But equally her friend had an expectation she would play with dd for the duration of the play date. We are in the midst of a pandemic. I imagine it was far more difficult for Child A to find another child to play with. So maybe try to have some empathy for the other child.

Mum A could have scooped her dd on her knee, given her a drink and invited her to chat with the two of you for a while then asked you to get your dd so they could have a little play before they left. This would have helped both girls to navigate their needs. Equally you could have invited her to sit with you too rather than leave the vacuum and Mum A to come to her own conclusions.

Tbh at school children will be being taught to not exclude children and to not leave everyone else so I do understand child A’s reaction. This changes completely at secondary. You really really are going to have a hard time once your girls reach 11/12 if you cannot navigate such an innocuous situation.

[mylittleavalon]

I feel like nobody is in the 'right or wrong' it's simply human conflict that happens in adult world too. Both parents missed a huge opportunity to work together to teach both children how to resolve that normal conflict in the best way they could by having open communication about it.

[Tonkerbea]

What Bluntness and MsTSwift said. I have a Child B, I'm really working on getting her to understand how her actions impact others. Empathy is so important in life.

[ClaireP20]

Both mums were wrong - 2.5 hours is too long for a soft play session for 8 year olds. They may well play for that length of time, but usually become tired, irritable within 1.5 hours. Especially as they're a bit old for soft play so that would become boring to them. When I go with my kids, I play intermittently with them. I think both parents, rather than drinking coffee and chatting for 2.5 hours, should also take some of that time to play with their kids rather than expect the 8 year olds to play together (ps i am not meaning to be rude or suggest neither mum plays with their kids btw!). I just mean that parents expecting 8 year olds to go off and play for 2.5 hours with each other is a bit much.

[pinkprosseco]

Child B was rude and is being taught only her feelings matter.. in future maybe refuse the play date in advance or say it can only be for one hour.

[yellowmaoampinball]

Agree 100% mylittleavalon. Both mums could have modelled a bit of sympathy and understanding for the other person's point of view.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

@Muddybuddy

The thing that really stands out for me on this thread is all the passive aggressive “you really think that, how odd, how strange”. I see it a lot on mums etc and I find it very grating indeed. It’s not clever it’s just aggressive in a different way.

This. I didn’t comment earlier because I wasn’t sure how to word it. But there’s been a definite theme of this from the OP, an absolute assurance that she’s right and total defence of her position while shooting down other’s opinions. I’m not saying it to have a dig but if this is your default position in life maybe your Dd is picking up on thjs attitude and has a tendency to dismiss others feelings and opinions.

[Walkaround]

Hmm. Sounds like they’re both self-centred. Child B was a bad friend to dump child A like that and child A would benefit from learning how to play independently. Regardless of the OP not liking comparisons and whataboutery, I think it’s very much akin to one of the adults saying they are a bit bored of talking to the other adult now and are just popping off to another table to have a cup of tea on their own and play on their phone, and really, the other adult shouldn’t be upset by this, because the playdate was really organised for the children and the adults just went along with it. It would not be unreasonable for adult A to conclude in that instance that this was not a very solid friendship!

[ClaireP20]

@ClaireP20

Both mums were wrong - 2.5 hours is too long for a soft play session for 8 year olds. They may well play for that length of time, but usually become tired, irritable within 1.5 hours. Especially as they're a bit old for soft play so that would become boring to them. When I go with my kids, I play intermittently with them. I think both parents, rather than drinking coffee and chatting for 2.5 hours, should also take some of that time to play with their kids rather than expect the 8 year olds to play together (ps i am not meaning to be rude or suggest neither mum plays with their kids btw!). I just mean that parents expecting 8 year olds to go off and play for 2.5 hours with each other is a bit much.

Apologies, I just realised you had younger children there too, thought it was just 2 eight year olds x

[MeridianB]

Child B does not need to be glued to her friend for 2.5 hours. It’s odd that the child of mum A expected that.

But as PP said, the session was way too long and I didn’t know soft play centres existed for 8yos.

[Goatinthegarden]

I think child A telling child B she hasn’t been a good friend is a natural consequence of child B telling her during a play date she wants to play alone. Child A is speaking up for herself too.

You have taught B to speak up for herself which is totally fine, but she also needs to learn that if she does ruffle feathers, people won’t always like it.

[Trousersareoverrated]

I don’t think it would have killed mum B to ask her child to be kind and play with her friend who was upset. Not being selfish is an important life lesson. Unless there is some kind of SEN that means the child needs some alone time to self regulate. Surely the whole purpose of soft play is the kids entertain each other while the parents relax?

[SnowHare]

I think Mum A has no place trying to teach another child manners.

I think Child B has the right to have some alone time or dowmtime after 2 hours playing with one child, and that is not rude.

I don't think either mum should force a friendhsip just because they are friends.

And I am amazed any soft plays are even open! (The ones near us are still shut sadly).

[MeridianB]

@Muddybuddy

The thing that really stands out for me on this thread is all the passive aggressive “you really think that, how odd, how strange”. I see it a lot on mums etc and I find it very grating indeed. It’s not clever it’s just aggressive in a different way.

And this. Good point, well made.

[Alternista]

It was obvious you were MumB from the start.

The middle of a soft play date isn’t a great time to choose to ditch your friend and go off on your own. I’d have been asking my DD to consider whether she really needed it right that second or whether she could wait another half an hour till we were leaving anyway to get her alone time.

IF she couldn’t wait, I still think the point at which a child was upset by the thing both Mums should have stepped in. Personally in that instance I’d have had child A sit with us for quarter of an hour for a drink and a snack, as Mum B I’d have made special effort to chat to Child A for a bit about how school was, what was she looking forward to over half term, etc etc, then I’d have asked my child to come and play again for a bit before they left.

Boundaries, manners and kindness can all co-exist.

[pastandpresent]

I would worry if my child kept playing happily, while her friend, whether they agreed on playdate themselves or not, is crying because she felt hurt.
They are not at school etc where they can find other people to play. They are there to play together in the first place.
So I think MumB was in the wrong, there is time and place to go with your heart desire, and sometimes you need to compromise to be sociable. But also think both are wrong to expect 8 years old with different personality get along well for such a long time.
Best scenario could have been you both decided to leave, when there was a dispute.

[Frdd]

If child B is allowed, and indeed encouraged, to state her feelings and say “I don’t want to play with you”, why isn’t it ok for child A to state her feelings and say “you’re not a good friend” ?

Sounds to me like child B can dish it out but not take it.

[coconuttyhead]

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Did the kids come to play with each other or the parents come to talk?

2.5 hours is a long time in soft play hell

Exactly what i was thinking - 2.5 hours is ridiculous for soft play, I’m not at all surprised that one child would want time alone and the other get upset - both due to tiredness which is to be expected after 2 hours, especially as soft play ares are like saunas.

Both children in the right, both parents in the wrong.

[pictish]

I think you’ve had good advice on this thread regarding the scenario. Most people, including socialised children, do not turn to their companion on an arranged outing or event and say, “I’d like to be on my own now” while remaining on the premises. That’s odd and rather a snub actually.

You describe the other little girl as ‘boohooing’ - I think she was taken aback and hurt by your dd’s behaviour.

But you carry on.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I think both DC need to be encouraged to try to see things from others' points of view and to learn to behave with more consideration for others, even if it isn't exactly what they would prefer to do at that moment. Basic socialisation.