Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

[MoonJelly]

I think your friend should have told her child that she's already had two hours playing with B which should be more than enough, and that B is entitled to do her own thing. I would be quite concerned if my child was so dependent on others that, even after two hours playing with them, she is totally unable to amuse herself for half an hour. And even more concerned if my child's reaction to that was a lot of attention-seeking crying and accusations to her friend. If A really couldn't amuse herself, her mother should have done something to distract her, even if it was only to buy her a drink or something.

[Onceuponatimethen]

Mum A shouldn’t have spoken to the B child at all

Also if it was 5 minutes then fine, I would expect Mum A to tell her child to try again in a bit.

However, if it was longer, say 30 minutes plus that child ab wouldn’t play then mum B was wrong. She should have spoken to the child herself.

If you go out with another adult you don’t ditch them and go off by yourself. I would as mum B instruct my child to play with Mum A’s child nicely and explain when we went home that I expect to see nice playing on a play date.

Behaving like that isn’t necessarily going to be a benefit to Child B in the playground or in life.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I should say I’m a mum of a child like Child B

[strictlysocialdistancing]

Team B
As mother of child B I would have probably tried to distract child A by suggesting a multitude of other things, and get mum A to do so, as child of 8 can still be happily distracted with adult input and there are usually things at soft play like reading mags or doing a puzzle which you can do on your own with minimal input from adult, other than encouragement, or even play with child A like both adults go and play in the ball area or something, if there is one, and I would have also gently but firmly stood up to mum A every time she said something negative, in front of both dc

[Onceuponatimethen]

Op I’ve just read your other posts. See that like me you are a mum of a Child B child.

I have taught my child B type child that in this situation (shortlist play date and no one else for the other child to play with) if my child isn’t in the mood to play with Child A any more then it’s time to go home. If they want to do their own thing then that has to happen at home.

My child had definitely had friendships affected because they want to go off and do their own thing. I feel I’m doing them a favour by teaching them that time to oneself has to happen in a socially appropriate way.

[Onceuponatimethen]

Shortish I meant and not shortlist

[lottiegarbanzo]

But honestly, I think Child B's mother is raising a rather precious child who will struggle with friendships.

If you go somewhere with a friend, because you've chosen to, not as a 'playdate of convenience' for the sake of your parents' friendships, then ditch your friend part way through, you are being a bad, unkind friend. You can't then get upset when your erstwhile friend points this out.

Child B's mother is taking a very rights-based, self-centred approach. Assertion of rights and consideration towards others are often not compatible. 'Do you want to be right, or do you want to have friends?'.

The solution to Child B's need to have short periods of play with friends, followed by alone time, is to arrange shorter playdates. Mother B is setting her child up to fail.

[LAMPS1]

For me the question would be...
Would your child B rather have played on her own for the whole two hours, before she simply couldn’t take any more socialising for the last half hour and so, out of desperation, announced that she needed time alone ?
Or,
Was she happy to socialise for two hours but then suddenly realised her playmate was surplus to her requirements and actually playing alone would be preferable. ? (In which case, I would have advised her that you would very soon be going home where she could play alone anyway)

Either way, you all went there to socialise. That was the expectation of all concerned. But your child B had the benefit of knowing she could stop socialising whenever she wanted, no explanation necessary and have your full approval for suddenly dropping her play mate.
Maybe then, child A would have benefitted from a little warning about a possible sudden rejection from her playmate for no apparent reason, as that can be very confusing and hurtful to an 8year old.
If I were Child A’s mother I wouldn’t have said anything at the time but once home, to help her with resilience, I would tell her that she doesn’t have to put up with being suddenly dropped for no apparent or given reason and can choose her friends accordingly in future.

[Hardbackwriter]

I'm finding it quite hard to imagine what playing alone would look like for an 8 year old at any soft play I've been to - I think that's old enough that most DC would feel a bit self-conscious just running around it alone over and over again? It's not like with toddlers. I'm not saying that means that the only solution is to force B to play - as people have said, maybe A's mum should have offered her a drink or gone to play with her - but I can also see that for A it was likely to mean half an hour just sat on her own and why she felt a bit upset about that.

[Onceuponatimethen]

Eg if I’m having coffee with a friend and want time to myself to read my phone or just chill with a hot drink, I go home.

If I’m on a night out with someone (Just two of us) and the conversation is flagging I know I need to call it a night, when it’s not so early that would be rude

I feel I’m taking my child B child to a place where they will (hopefully) be able to follow those unspoken social rules as an adult

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@MeridianB

Child B does not need to be glued to her friend for 2.5 hours. It’s odd that the child of mum A expected that.

But as PP said, the session was way too long and I didn’t know soft play centres existed for 8yos.

The one local to me goes up to 12. And it is ok just about for 12 yos when all the littlies are around. My dd is 12 and said recently she’d maybe like to go again having not been for a couple of years. May do it sometime. They also sell tickets for teens 13-17. Precovid they had teen sessions.

[Smellbellina]

If Child B was mine I’d have told her to have some time out if she needed it.
If Child A was my child I’d have told her sometimes people need some time out and she could either have a sit down with me, play with the younger ones, or play by herself.
I wouldn’t expect my child to be forced to play with someone because otherwise they would cry and wail, neither would I expect them to cry and wail and therefore get to make someone else do something they weren’t comfortable with.
As a teacher I never make a child play with someone if they don’t want to.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I have to say though, child A’s mum should have spoken to you to say her dd was upset, not to your child.

[PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe]

But 2.5 patently was too long for your child, whichever one it was, because tempers frayed and they'd fallen out with their friend.
They could both do with mum having 'a word': with her own kid - not the other's. But I'm mostly with A - if Child A had ditched Child B for other kids, it'd be different. But she sounded like she needed a breather. Child B sounds a bit demanding of other people's time and attention.
Child B needs some inner resources - I was an only child and played by myself a lot. It's not great that she can't do it even after a long spell playing with a pal.
Child A might have been exhorted to hang in there for a bit longer on the grounds that they'd gone to soft play for all eternity principally to play with people.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I think a playground scenario where there are other children to play with is different to a soft play where the dumped child probably won’t know anyone

[PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe]

Oh God - I've got the kids the wrong way around! 🙄

[MessAllOver]

2.5 hours at softplay with nothing else to do is too long for children that age.

Apart from the crying and moaning, I'm with Child A on this. Child B essentially bailed on her midway through the playdate. Had Child A's mum known that Child B was prone to doing this, she could have brought some books or something along to keep her child amused.

Would Child B's mum have considered it rude if, having ditched her friend, Child B then became upset later on because Child A was happily reading and no longer wanted to play with Child B?

If I'd been Child A's mum, I would have (pleasantly) brought the playdate to an end and left with all my children at that point. The younger children had already had a good play and there's not much for an 8 year old to do at soft play by themselves if their friend no longer wants to play with them.

Child A is right...Child B isn't a particularly good friend. Sometimes we have to make an effort with friends even when we're not in the mood. Does she do that with playdates at her house as well? Invite friends over to play and then just ignore them and go and play by herself? Not a playdate I'd want my child to go on.

[Onceuponatimethen]

If I was mum A I would have taken my kids home once it was clear child A was being ignored by child B for an extended period. I probably wouldn’t be keen to organise other play dates if this was the invariable pattern.

I say this as a mum of a child B dd

[MoonJelly]

I just don't think that you can compare this with most adult-based social situations. In a play venue with a lot of activities, surely the whole idea is that each child does what they enjoy doing rather than having to stick to another child like glue? As I read it, this wasn't really a social get-together for the children, it was more of a case of both parents wanting to take their children somewhere that would keep them amused and occupied with the added bonus that it would give the parents somewhere where they could meet up and chat. It wasn't as if B was begging her mother for a chance to play with A.

The closest adult comparator I can think of is a few occasions when I have visited a museum or exhibition with a friend. Every time, we have recognised that different things will interest us to differing extents and that it would be fairly hellish hanging around a specific exhibit that doesn't interest us just for the sake of being polite - so in practice we arrange to meet up at the end and do all our socialising and chatting comfortably over a meal or a cup of coffee.

[HappyDinosaur]

Both are in the wrong and the mums should have a general conversation about kindness and seeing things from another person's point of view.

[Coldwinds]

Mum A would have pissed me off the most tbh.

[user1493494961]

After two hours, if they weren't getting on, I would have gone home.

[pinkprosseco]

If child B is allowed, and indeed encouraged, to state her feelings and say “I don’t want to play with you”, why isn’t it ok for child A to state her feelings and say “you’re not a good friend” ?

Sounds to me like child B can dish it out but not take it.

Well said. It can't be OK for your child to be assertive and not Child A.

[strictlysocialdistancing]

I think it was a bit of a playdate of convenience though, as OP has said that there were younger dc still playing which is why they didn't go home. Otherwise going home would have been the obvious thing to do. So I guess child A was wanting child B to play with her while waiting for younger kids which changes the dynamic a bit. I think if child B was playing with other kids then I would have asked her to play with child A too. But if child B just wanted a break from child A then i think that is ok as the younger kids were still playing and so both kids were at a loose end and not wanting to do the same thing. But better efforts needed from both mums to help child A understand and find something else fun to do for child A in that situation, I think.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I also think 2 hours is the sweet spot for soft play for my dds. Longer and it’s often just too much. Unless it’s one hour, decent break for lunch, then 1.5 hours I guess. But 2 hour meets are always most successful for my kids