Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

@emilyfrost

MumB is right, and MumA was very selfish and rather cruel to try and make ChildB feel bad for standing up for herself.

Of course it’s B’s right to want to play on her own. But I wonder if your were A’s mum whether you’d just go with a different parent next time. Soft play can be expensive, if the arrangement was lets go to soft play a and b can play and we can chat, you’d maybe think twice now you know the arrangement is a and b can play until B’s had enough of A. A can try to go and find some others to play with or play on her own until B decides she wants back in. It’s not really worth the drama.

I think both mums were in the wrong. If you make plans to meet up and play then that's what you should do so I think it's a bit strange for the mum to say that she's told her dc that they don't have to if they don't want to. If you know they get tired then don't make plans to do something for that length of time.

I think child A's reaction was unusual. I can imagine my dc coming back and saying they're bored because child b won't play but I'd just tell them to go do something else and that would be the end of it. If they cried we'd be going home. If my dc outright refused to play with their friend as they wanted to be alone, we'd be going home. Why anyone thought it was sensible to drag it out another 30 minutes I don't know.

Some children need more quiet space than others and that is worthy of respect so I'm with child B.

DS1 has ASD. His personal space is fragile.
He also needs to undestand that others have a right to personal space too and their needs do not exactly match his. Sounds like a social lesson that is needed for child A.

2 hours playing together out of 2.5 is plenty.

@balzamico

Also,isn't 8 pretty old for soft play. 2.5 Hours is a very long time and also 8 is a bit old to come to the adults crying that b won't play?

If you think 8 is too old, you haven't been to the really good ones! One of the ones near us, you have be 8 befire you're allowed on the big (practically vertical) slide.

Child B has every right to take time for themselves. It's not selfish at all. Far better than teaching them that everyone else's needs and feelings come above their own

You’re very obviously mum B. You haven’t hidden that well at all so all this A & B nonsense is pointless.

2.5 hours is too long. Regardless of other siblings being there I’d have said it was time to go as soon as there was any whingeing. Although I’m speaking as a parent of a Dc with SEN who when he reaches his limit, he reaches his limit so you need to spot it and get out of there fast!

I’m with mum and child B. If child B is already an introvert then they have done very well to play for 2 hours! Surely child A can whizz around and play alone or with younger siblings for the last 30mins?

Both mums were in the wrong for going to a soft play during a pandemic.

Both kids sound unreasonable, B for ditching their friend and A for being wet

HTH

I don't think either of you covered yourselves in glory tbh

Mum A should have diffused the situation asking A if she wanted a drink, had seen any friends from school or had gone down the death slide yet etc? Then suggested she went to see if anyone wanted to play together in the shooting area (needs a runner/target & a shooter - always kids looking for playmates)

Parent B should have said it wasn't nice to meet up to play then say you don't want to, that she had the rest of the day to do her own thing.

Child A needs to learn a bit of resilience & self reliance & B needs to learn some manners.

If child B is there for a playdate they have agreed to attend,they need to make an effort. Child A is a whiny git and all parents who do joy own Child A will do internal eye rolls.

Do NOT own

Eight year olds seem a bit old for a soft play area.

Children should be able to play together at that age. But both parents seemed to handle this badly.

Call them both over get some snacks or drinks? Distract them, then home time.

How does child a cope with school?

If child B is there for a playdate they have agreed to attend

Oh come on! “Agreed to attend”? the conversation probably went like this “DD we’re going to softplay on Saturday and Child A will be there, that'll be fun won’t it?”

The child likely had no say in the matter!

B needs to learn some manners.

Depends how far it was Child B's idea to meet up. If Child B said 'A, let's ask our mums if we can meet up at Soft Play. Mummy, can we go to Soft Play and meet up with A? Can we, please please please?' and the whole outing was planned because she wanted to go, then yes, she should, because she's essentially the host.

But if she wasn't the instigator, then no, she doesn't have to keep on playing if she's tired or had enough.

And Child A does need to realise that people don't always want to do what you want them to.

you have made a social engagement, providing you feel safe and your companion isn't being unkind you should make the effort to socialise and get your alone time at another time

Did the child make the social engagement?

I think a compromise could have been made if either parent wasn’t so insistent their child was in the right and their child’s feelings were most important.

Mum B should have told her child it was only 30 more minutes (since you said you couldn't leave at that point) and that she could have some chill out, alone time after that at home.

In future book shorter sessions, or go alone.

I don't understand why mum A let her daughter sit there and cry for half an hour rather than just going at that point. That said, I also wouldn't arrange any more play dates with B if I were A's mum.

I think B will have to learn that the social etiquette around needing alone time is a bit complex and it's not really ok to just declare you have tired of someone's company, but I appreciate that that might be a work in progress for an 8 year old.

I would personally want to teach my daughter that if you have made a social engagement, providing you feel safe and your companion isn't being unkind you should make the effort to socialise and get your alone time at another time.

and I would agree <strong>if</strong> the child had asked if her friend could come round to play in the holidays or at the weekend  <strong>but</strong>  this doesn't sound like that is what happened here.     OP has already said that there were younger siblings there / it was some sort of 'two families meeting up' <span class="line-through">for the Mums to have a long chat</span> scenario.  I doubt very much if Child A and Child B were consulted as to whether they both wanted to play together in soft play for <strong>2 1/2 hours</strong>

Smallsteps88 as a mum of a child with SEN, I would think you of all people would chat to an 8 yr old about a potential social event before inflicting it upon them.

as a mum of a child with SEN, I would think you of all people would chat to an 8 yr old about a potential social event before inflicting it upon them.

You’d be spot on. I’m not sure what gave you the impression I wouldn’t.

Your actual response to my comment...

I don’t think anyone is looking great in this.

B (which you’ve made fairly obvious is you) needs to learn some manners, or be taken home if she really has reached her total for the day. The child needs to learn basic manners—15 more minutes dear, then we’ll head home and relax—or she will find herself very unpopular with others quickly. It’s not about “consent” () it’s a basic societal expectation that if you make a plan that impacts someone else and it’s not a giant inconvenience to you, you stick with it even if it’s not your first choice. So you play for 20 minutes past your favoured stop time. I would not stay with a friend who just dropped me part way through dinner because she’d had enough and she’d rather be home—if she had severe issues and it was a case of her not being able to do it at all then I would be understanding, but if it was just “nah done being social with you, sorry you’re left high and dry”—then I suppose you can exercise your “consent” to leave, and I can exercise my consent to think you’re rude, inconsiderate and not someone I would be friends with.

A: needs to grow some resilience, that amount of crying and stropping is ridiculous. It’s healthy for children to learn how to enter Ian themselves or make new friends, worst case scenario the parent should have stepped in to play (and cast dagger eyes at B!)

OK, so I'm MumB.

To answer questions/clarify points:

MumA is a good friend, and as a result our kids are friends, us mums made the arrangement to go to soft play. There was no "agreement" to attend from DD, it was more "we're going to soft play with ChildA on Saturday" which she was fine with.

My DD wasn't bored of her friend, she just gets to a point where she prefers time to herself. She very rarely has a personal problem with people, but she gets tired of people's company in general. She does like to have alone time. She will often, after a busy day at school or home, go to play in her room alone for an hour as she wants a bit of breathing space from others, including me and her DB.

I have always always always taught her to speak up when she feels her personal boundaries are being compromised, and not just put up with being unsafe, uncomfortable or unhappy to avoid offending anyone. I'm raising a little girl in a patriarchal world where girls are socialised from practically the day they're born to be polite and compliant and not to ruffle feathers. I'm trying to counter that and raise a girl who will stick up for herself and own her bodily autonomy.

I don't think 8 is too old for soft play, it has target practices and vertical slides, it takes all my power not to join in with them

I didn't leave because actually neither of my kids were wanting to leave or making a fuss. DD wanted to continue to play, just alone. And because I'm not psychic, I wasn't able to predict that "2 hours was too long" (not that it was) so I'm a bit at people suggesting I shouldn't have booked such a long session (they only had 2.5 hour sessions)

Anyway the reason I posted is because I'm kicking myself a little that I didn't call my friend out on making my DD feel bad. I guess because I am the kind of woman who doesn't like to ruffle feathers, that socialisation got to me a long time ago (and I was raised to be ladylike and always polite to other no matter how I felt).

@Takethewinefromtheswine

Your actual response to my comment...

You don’t understand that I was suggesting that was the conversation between mum B and child B? You think I was saying that’s what I do?

When I was young, I would sometimes be put to play with someone who I wouldn’t have chosen—like at a family event, or on a holiday, or with my mum’s friend’s child. Sometimes it’s a bit of a chore, otherwise you get on. Barring some significant backstory, a child who refused to play with the other child in that situation would be a brat, and most parents would (rightly) not be ok with it.