Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

@FlouncerInDenial

why should we have left?

Because there was a child boo-hoo-hooing.

The youngest ch didn't care.

The middle pair were upset.

You were enjoying your cuppa.

So you could have chosen to grim at parent of crying child's mum "ooo. Its going tits up, let's try again next week "
You didn't

My child wasn't the one boo hoo ing

The youngest kids were happy as they were

My DD was fine and not upset (until the very end when she was told she wasn't a good friend)

Like I say I don't run off because one child who isn't mine over reacted.

So what if I was enjoying my cuppa. What a weird thing to be annoyed about

[Augustbaby1990]

I think what your DC did was perfectly fine. I dont know why so many people are saying she was rude and does as she pleases. You have taught her to say how she feels and not to just go along with how others feel.

There is nothing wrong with playing by herself for the last 30mintues, mum A should of explained to her child could carry on playing and that there was nothing wrong with independent play.

[pinksparkleunicorns]

Mum B was right but could have handled it better. I think even though child b likes alone time, an apology would have been nice. And something along the lines of

'child B still loves you child A. Just some times chid B needs a bit of space as they get overwhelmed. Here have a cookie'

[SherryPalmer]

I know a few children like Child B. Usually it goes:
Child A: let’s play game X
Child B: no let’s play Y or I’m not playing

I wouldn’t have any time for it tbh and child A is right, it’s not being a good friend.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

I think everyone should have gone home at that point. Kids were obviously fed up and tired.

Kid B was a bit rude and I agree is old enough to learn that sometimes you need to suck it up and be polite. It wouldn’t have killed her for 30 mins to carry on playing. God knows I’ve been out with people when I’ve had enough half way through the evening but I don’t pull my phone out and ignore them even if I wish I could!

I get the point t about consent and having a right to say no....but in my mind that’s more of a long term or even a day by day thing. So if kid b never wants to be friends with kid A that’s fine. If at school one day B wants to play with C instead of A that’s fine. But once B has committed to playing with A she needs to stick it out (bullying, arguments, etc aside).

A does need to be more resilient though.

[MsTSwift]

Bs whims being indulged like a precious princess. She is 8 old enough to be polite for half an hour to spare a friends feelings. Sure she will get plenty of alone time after the meet up. Don’t think you are teaching her great lessons here. She won’t be popular with peers if she prioritises her own feelings to this extent.

[Bluntness100]

I think what you’re teaching your child is fine in terms of her boundaries, however I think you’re missing the manners part. This is nothing to do with gender, but about making a commitment and not ditching in the middle of an event. As an adult that would be considered very rude.

It’s one thing to teach your child how to respect her boundaries, it’s another to teach her to not consider others feelings at any stage.

She could see her friend crying and she just let her continue. She basically ditched her in the middle of a play date. Unless your daughter has additional needs then this isn’t ok.

She needs to learn to balance putting herself first and also considering the needs of others, as does everyone, male or female. These are simple social skills that ease our path through life. If she always puts herself first and never considers others, even when she sees she’s distressing them she’s going to struggle to maintain relationships as an adult.

[MsTSwift]

Absolutely bluntness totally agree.

She’s not a toddler. Adults sometimes have to endure social events that are slightly longer than we would like. You don’t just stomp off upsetting your companions. You are teaching her that her whims take absolute priority over everything and everyone else which just doesn’t work in life. She is not the queen.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Sorry, had missed the update that younger kids were still happily playing and B was happy to stay playing on her own. Ok, so don’t leave . If I’d been B’s mum I’d have encouraged her to play with A for last 30 mins. If I’d been A’s mum I’d have encouraged her to go and play with the younger ones, or on her own, or sit with the adults and have a biscuit. And hoped one of those things worked it out.

All I knkw for sure is I’m glad Dd is now an adult and these days are behind me.

[MerchantOfVenom]

Ok, OP - you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here. You’re 100% in the right.

So just carry on doing what you’re doing, and get your daughter to carry on, too.

And then, you can also carry on coming on here to ask who’s been unreasonable - once again - when you and/or your daughter have yet again upset someone.

Maybe there’s a happy medium to found somewhere...?

[Frdd]

I think child A and B wouldn’t be friends if the mums weren’t friends and that it’s time for the mums to do stuff on their own and limit the times the kids have to join in.

[Jilljams]

I wonder how child B actually phrased it to child A as I’m guessing this wasn’t within earshot of parents. It could have come across as very unkind to say “I don’t want to play with you anymore” or some variation. Child A probably felt quite rejected. No one like to think that other people don’t enjoy playing with them.

[GeorginaTheGiant]

@Bluntness100 has it spot on. You are obviously convinced you’re 100% right though so I’m not sure why you came on here asking opinions.

[Frdd]

And. To be really honest I think child b was really rude.

I think you need to teach your daughter manners and social niceties or she’s likely to find her path through life more difficult than it needs to be. She’s abrasive.

You need to struck a balance - this wasn’t anything to do with the patriarchy and boundaries, it was her refusing to play with her friend.


Although, I still think the girls aren’t as friendly as you might think they are. Around 8/9 with my DS and DDs was when it started to become clear that the friends I had who had kids the same age as me were my friends and our kids weren’t Good friends Just because we were.

[MsTSwift]

Also tactically if you want the meet ups to continue you do need to work on your child’s manners. The cosy meet ups with friends where the kids “go and play” just cannot continue with older children unless they are either proper friends or they are easy going.

Your dd is quite uncompromising so that may draw these arrangements to a close sooner than they might otherwise end.

[MsTSwift]

Absolutely Frdd. Happy memories of similar meet ups and our local friends kids did stay friends for quite a long time but by 14 they have veered in very different directions- meet ups definitely adult only these days!

[mrscampbellblackagain]

Child B was rude but as many others have said at that point you should just have wrapped up the softplay session.

You had been there 2 hours after all.

Child A felt hurt and ok needs to get more resilient but child b needs to work on tact and manners.

[Frdd]

Definitely MsTSwift. They can be friendly but kids pick their own best friends. And 2.5 hours of one on one (which this was) is pushing your luck. Especially if one of the kids is basically going to tell the other to sod off she’s not for playing with her. That’s hurtful.

[NeonGenesis]

I think if they've all gone there together then the kids should play together whilst there. However i don't think it's a massive issue and I probably wouldn't have said much about it if I was either one of the parents in this situation. They're only 8.

Some posters on here are getting too worked up about it.

[MsTSwift]

I am finding parenting was full on pre school years a few lovely easy years when they at primary and broadly do as you say so you can see your friends with similar aged kids this begins to break down 9 /10 onwards - this incident is actually a good example of the beginning of the end of your easy stage! Op needs to appreciate she’s moving into the next zone which isn’t quite as much fun for parents...

[SparkleM]

My child would be (and has been) child A in this scenario. He’s very sensitive and this would have felt like a rejection. I’d never address it directly to child B. I’d comfort child A briefly then try to redirect him to play, ideally with other kids but if not I’d play. Parent B would have a word with child B along the lines of “play for half an hour and then you can have some time to yourself”. It would be five mins max out of the nice morning out and everyone would either leave on good terms or one or both parties would just go home early. It wouldn’t be a big drama. If as parents we weren’t compatible in sorting out stuff like this without drama we’d probably not meet with the kids.

[Karwomannghia]

On balance I think your child shouldn’t just have dumped her friend part way through and you shouldn’t be teaching her that that is ok at all times.
But also the other mum should have helped hers to deal with it better even if it meant sitting at the table with you for a while.

[PatchworkElmer]

I’m an introvert too- I get it. But I’m sorry, I do think that you can bring up a good feminist whilst also teaching them to be kind and polite. I think that your DD’s feelings are valid here, but to be honest I also think Child A is justified in feeling your DD wasn’t being a good friend. It’s unkind to ditch someone you have a social arrangement with.

Fundamentally though, as the adult, you should’ve managed this better. I would’ve explained to DS before future events that the arrangement is a play date with Child A, and that if he’s had enough we can leave. I think in this situation you couldn’t really ‘respect’ her need for space, your desires to stay, and a younger child who wanted to stay without having some fallout.

[Muddybuddy]

The thing that really stands out for me on this thread is all the passive aggressive “you really think that, how odd, how strange”. I see it a lot on mums etc and I find it very grating indeed. It’s not clever it’s just aggressive in a different way.

[NewtoHolland]

I think it's setting kids up to fail to expect them to get along at soft play for 2.5 hours. It's sensory overload at the best of times.

Child B is in her rights but hope she had a kind way to say I need to play on my own for a bit, not I don't want to play with you...but being able to set boundaries and make choices is a good thing.

Why couldn't child A play with the other siblings or could her Mum not have gone and played with her?