has parenting changed or was my childhood unusual?

[pallyfally]

Should start by saying I do have great parents and they have always stood by me and are good fun. I see them a lot and we get on mostly.

I just wonder if anyone else had a similar thing growing up and maybe it’s just normal? My mum was a stay at home mum but I don’t remember doing anything with her growing up, yet now I’m an adult I see most parents doing things with their kids...taking them to play centres at the weekend, daily trips to the park, lots of walks, painting, cooking, just activities day to day.

I have a couple of memories of us doing painting but it was all highly controlled and stressful because of any mess. We never ever cooked as far as I recall, no cake baking for instance.

When my sister was here I would get her out of her cot, I was age 4, and we would go downstairs very early and watch tv. We were perfectly happy doing this but I just don’t recall my parents being around and it strikes me as odd now? Obviously we were well fed and looked after so they must have appeared at some point but I just can’t imagine having a four year old and 1.5 year old getting on with things on their own like that. It’s quite funny I suppose but just surprises me.

I always remember having a book read at night but that stopped by age 7 if not before which is normal I think. Christmas and haownee and Easter and birthdays very much celebrated and we went on holiday a lot and taken to museums etc lots of learning. I’m talking more about day to day life really and how I have no memories of doing much with my parents like that.

Is that sort of thing normal, some parents just not into the whole activity thing and doing things together on a day to day basis?

Back in the day married women who didn’t work had to prioritise the house. Being a stay at home mum is a fairly new concept

@GrumpyHoonMain

Back in the day married women who didn’t work had to prioritise the house. Being a stay at home mum is a fairly new concept

That's right. They were housewives, not stay-at-home mothers. Although most of my generation's mothers did go back to work, at least past time, when the children were at school or when they were old enough to be home alone. Only a handful never went back to work.

I did baking, helped with DIY and went for walks (plus ran feral with other local children!)... there were no "play centres" or the huge variety of children's activities that there are now.

I'm in my late 20s and my childhood was the exact same. Dad always at work and mum busy with housework. My siblings were already school age by the time I was old enough to hang around with them, so I was always left to my own devices. Playing fort under the dining table with all the cushions was a personal favourite
I feel like childhood has changed s lot and I'm not sure if I'm all that keen on it tbh. Social media definitely creates a lot more pressure. I have 2 DC (5yo and 9m) and I adore them but I look forward to tge day that they can both entertain each other when at home so I can have a breather!

When I was a toddler, I went to playgroup and various community-run children's events in church halls, museums etc. I went to brownies and sports clubs and art classes. My parents took me swimming and to museums and concerts and the theatre and cinema and walks in the country, and stately homes. We would cook together, and i was included in conversations at mealtimes - they knew what I was up to, and I knew about their lives. Sometimes I went with them to boring grown-up activities and had to occupy myself with a book. Sometimes they took me to boring children's activities and had to occupy themselves with a book. Sometimes we played games together, or did other stuff together as a family. Sometimes it was just me and my friends. It's not really any different from how I bring up my own children, except that I have less money snd a smaller house than my parents did.

Virginia - sounds like you had plenty of money and also lived close to a big town or city. I had very few museum visits as a child, but that was probably because we lived very far away from any and theatre was for posher people than us. Cinema was a big treat not a normal every weekend thing, but as soon as we were old enough we could go ourselves and age restrictions were interpreted much more liberally.

My DM took us swimming or to a fun type pool sometimes, but I remember begging for it for a while and then DM having to ask DF for a lift. He would never have taken us.

Brownies and sports clubs, etc. are totally different things because those are often breaks for the parents rather than more work and children went unaccompanied to their local brownies.

I remember making my grandmother pretend to take tea from me while playing tea party, but that was an exception and she had more time than DM. In general, I played alone if there were no other children. Adults weren't expected to pretend to be a child themselves, get on the floor or play house with children.

I don't have children, but I've often thought that I could be a mother if I could do it the way I was parented, but not the way children are parented now. It's much too intensive.
There's a thread on now about a 12 year old not being allowed out on her own. You can't say things haven't changed.

My parents did all the day to day activities with us as I do with my kids. We were always doing something, whether that was going to the park (2 within walking distance, one was a daily stop on the way home from school, the other was a weekend sort of park), baking (most weekends we made something), Brownies (mum is still brown owl, having started when I was 8), days out, etc. We went on cheap and cheerful camping holidays every summer, for at least 4 weeks, often 5 weeks of the summer holidays (mum was a teacher, dad was a sahp)

My childhood is full of very happy memories, and I'm sad that more people don't have that.

MsAwesome - not having your parents play with you and doing activities with you doesn't mean people don't have happy childhood memories.
Many children were out exploring with their friends. I was a bit solitary, but learned to entertain myself.
I don't think it's good for a child to think the world revolves around them.

Completely normal childhood back then. We just went to things they wanted to do, like go to National Trust houses, to see confusing plays at the theatre and go to restaurants. The rest of the time, my brother and I played in the street and rode our bikes. I don't believe in constantly spoon feeding children 'experiences.' Easy going hanging out time making their own amusement is extremely valuable.

What the OP describes is not the childhood I had, but thinking of others at school with me at the time, possibly theirs.

There's a widespread assumption on this thread that parents live less happy lives now and they only do child-centred activities for their children, and I find both of those surprising. We do quite a lot of activities with our toddler but I think that's actually because our expectations of our leisure time are higher than a generation ago. We're having to self-isolate because DS woke up with a cough this morning and I'd much rather have had our planned trip to a National Trust place today and swimming tomorrow than the weekend we're going to have catching up on the laundry and painting the shed. I've always preferred having an arranged activity on a day where it's just me and DS - though it's often something very low-key, like rhyme time at the library - because it makes the day more enjoyable for me; I don't think he 'needs' this stuff and wouldn't do it if I didn't prefer it to a day at home. We both feel it's important to have non-child time too, but we mostly achieve that by going out with friends (usually individually), rather than taking DS to adult stuff. Maybe I'm weird but I don't really recognise this idea of modern parenthood as constant sacrifice where everyone is doing things with their children that they hate.

I also think that the idea running through this thread that all children now have constant activities, stimulation and trips out is one (privileged) view; there are loads of children who get absolutely none of this, and are entertained pretty much solely by screens.

Our Dad regularly took us to the local library and we'd toddle off to the kids section whilst he went to find what he wanted. I have him to thank for my love of books. So, yeah, I probably could read well from an early age and didn't need reading to! Still not very interactive though, is it? Having said that, I think too much of that 'parental play' would have annoyed me tbh!

My childhood was not all that dissimilar from today, or the childhood my children have had.

I was born mid 70s, so my childhood is late 70s and early 80s.

My mum was a SAHM.

I don't remember her playing with me much, but I do remember baking with her (I was never that interested unfortunately) or giving me home made play doh to play with whilst she made the pasties for tea. She taught me to read and took me to the library to get books every week. I adored reading as a child. But most of the time, I played out with friends in the street. Either they called for me, or I called for them. Every spare moment was playing out. If I wanted to go to the swings, I went with friends.

I had hobbies - loads of them, usually did two or three a week (three was the max I was allowed, so if I wanted to do something new, I had to give something up!) , but they were all things that were cheap and we could walk to - brownies, dancing in the local hall and the like. Sunday mornings was Sunday school. My brother and I walked ourselves there. Sunday evenings was board game night and the tv was turned off, and we all played games as a family. We also had lots of days out. We had free train passes, so went out for free to London, often to the museums or all sorts of places. Or dad would take us in the car, to the local forest for a picnic and a walk, or to the prehistoric sites nearby. We'd walk and I'd play with my brother.

In the summer, we had days out, but we weren't rich and my mum didn't drive, so we'd cycle to the local swimming pool, or get the open top bus to the town park and it's paddling pool, cycle to visit my gran. Most holidays we did something out with my mum. Holidays away were cheap - camping, but we had two every year.

The one thing we didn't do we watch lots of tv. My mum hated us just sitting around watching tv!

My parents were quite involved in our lives, and we did lots with them. But apart from board games, I don't remember them playing with me as such. I'd still say I had an extremely happy childhood though.

I also remember my playing being more based around my mums housework. So if my mum was ironing, I had my toy iron and I'd "help" her by ironing the socks and pants, but we'd watch our own tv show whilst we were doing it. So it was more focussed on what my mum was doing, rather than her playing with me.

I totally agree hardbackwriter I love to get out and about to NT and mine are just as happy at home but it's for me. I love making memories and learning new things.

I think it was fairly normal then op
I don’t remember any soft play places or my mum doing anything with us beyond occasional baking fairly cakes or us helping with sorting the washing or holding the pegs
She didn’t work either
I was allowed to get up alone at weekends and go down to watch the television unsupervised with my siblings while they stayed in bed
I also went to the park on my own to play on the playground - unthinkable today
I don’t remember any afterschool activities either - beyond my sisters piano lessons

Today’s stay at home parents are far more likely to arrange way more activities

I’m early 30s and did loads of fun things with my mum, dad worked away. I played on my own too and read books, but have great memories of cooking with my mum, going around the shops, going to parks, musicals - brilliant fun. Also out with friends a lot.

I’m in my 30s so this was in the 80s/90s. We lived abroad and most other mums from schools seems to prefer going out with each other and playing tennis etc. Felt very lucky to have my mum, I remember as a child thinking that my mum must like me better than other kids mums cause they didn’t spend time with them!

So I think it depends really. “Norms” may be a bit different now, but I think there will always be parents who spend a lot of time with their children and try to make it special

"I don’t remember any soft play places"

I don't think you would because they didn't exist lol.

My daughter is 38. Soft play was definitely a thing when she was small. Everybody wanted a soft play environment. You could buy the stuff through educational suppliers (Galt, YPO possibly, Hestair Hope in those days). It was very expensive (too much for a single mother/childminder) and special schools were most likely to get the funding necessary to install a soft play environment.
So, now you know. I'd have given up chocolate for a month (or some other great sacrifice, I don't like chocolate) to have a SPE.

There were a few specialist soft play type places open in the late 70s/early 80s. We used to take my nephews and niece.

The big tower type places with lots of levels were a bit later I think.

I think OP that your experience is pretty much normal for our generation (70s children). If anything it sounds as if your parents were ahead of their era and spent more time / effort with you than was normal back then.

But equally our parents were more child centric than say their grand parents who would have expected a child of 14 to go out to work and their grandparents who might have expected a six year old to work down a coal mine.

It's basic progress over the years and I am sure or hope that our children will do a much better of parenting than we have and so on with their children.

"I don’t remember any soft play places"

I don't think you would because they didn't exist lol.

I went to my first soft play on holiday in 1985. It was at Blackpool. I remember thinking how great it was and wishing I was younger to really enjoy it. My cousins who are 7 years younger than me, don't remember life before soft play!

I also remember going to my first ever McDonald's (that was on holiday in Bournemouth) and I also remember the first ever McDonald's opening up in my home town. That was a big event. Several of my friends had McDonald's birthday parties. That was literally it - a meal at McDonald's with Ronald McDonald visiting.

@Sarahbeans

"I don’t remember any soft play places"

I don't think you would because they didn't exist lol.

I went to my first soft play on holiday in 1985. It was at Blackpool. I remember thinking how great it was and wishing I was younger to really enjoy it. My cousins who are 7 years younger than me, don't remember life before soft play!

I also remember going to my first ever McDonald's (that was on holiday in Bournemouth) and I also remember the first ever McDonald's opening up in my home town. That was a big event. Several of my friends had McDonald's birthday parties. That was literally it - a meal at McDonald's with Ronald McDonald visiting.

I seem to remember some MacDonalds having a version of softplay in their kids section.

I’m 43 and whilst my childhood wasn’t full of the exciting things my own children get up, my parents and grandparents did a lot with me. I’m an only child so to a certain extent I did have to entertain myself (mainly through reading), we did lots of day trips to the coast, petting farms, bike rides, parks and baking. I also spent a huge amount of time with my Grandad who I adored. My Dad lost his job when I was 5 and took a few years to get another one so I have no idea how we managed for money but I had a lovely childhood. My clothes came from charity shops or jumble sakes which I loved to go to because I knew Mum would always find 10p for me to have a new book or 2. We went on holidays in a caravan by the coast, same park every year. I always felt envious of my friends who went to Spain and Disney. I never went abroad until I was 18.