has parenting changed or was my childhood unusual?

[pallyfally]

Should start by saying I do have great parents and they have always stood by me and are good fun. I see them a lot and we get on mostly.

I just wonder if anyone else had a similar thing growing up and maybe it’s just normal? My mum was a stay at home mum but I don’t remember doing anything with her growing up, yet now I’m an adult I see most parents doing things with their kids...taking them to play centres at the weekend, daily trips to the park, lots of walks, painting, cooking, just activities day to day.

I have a couple of memories of us doing painting but it was all highly controlled and stressful because of any mess. We never ever cooked as far as I recall, no cake baking for instance.

When my sister was here I would get her out of her cot, I was age 4, and we would go downstairs very early and watch tv. We were perfectly happy doing this but I just don’t recall my parents being around and it strikes me as odd now? Obviously we were well fed and looked after so they must have appeared at some point but I just can’t imagine having a four year old and 1.5 year old getting on with things on their own like that. It’s quite funny I suppose but just surprises me.

I always remember having a book read at night but that stopped by age 7 if not before which is normal I think. Christmas and haownee and Easter and birthdays very much celebrated and we went on holiday a lot and taken to museums etc lots of learning. I’m talking more about day to day life really and how I have no memories of doing much with my parents like that.

Is that sort of thing normal, some parents just not into the whole activity thing and doing things together on a day to day basis?

I grew up in the sixties. My father liked photography so there are pictures of us as young children paddling in streams or running in country parks. The odd thing is I don’t really remember those early years- but the cine films show us having fun with wicked giggling. From about age 7 we played out with other children from our street and later ( junior age) went for cycle rides with my sister and friend, Like a past poster I remember more clearly the things that went wrong when we had no adult with us-like my cousin pushing my little brother in the road causing a near miss or my bike chain breaking and going to the farm to get help- but fearful I would be in trouble. We did not have a television and were expected to entertain ourselves. I was read to- but again I don’t really remember that - I only know because my mum told me and the same books were read to my little brother. i have very fond but rather vague memories from early childhood-only the photographs tell me we were taken out or played with at the weekend as young children. There are photoes of my sister and I in aprons with miniature rolling pins - making biscuits- but I have no memory of it. I do think life is moe child centered now.

I think children got to have more fun on there own. We played out every day.
That said I took my kids to 100s of parks, museums, camping trips, activity stuff and as teens they barely remember any of it.

Born in the late 70s and relate so much to this. My DM didn't do anything with us, we played out with friends in the street or we went with her to do shopping or round to her friends houses where we would sit bored. My Nana was alot more hands on and I remember playing loads of games with her and she took us to the swings. She was very different to my DM though.

My DM is very hands off with her 7 grandchildren too, she's lucky if she knows their names. Occasionally she will babysit (precovid) and it's fine if it's just feeding dinner and putting to bed ie we are on a night out but no longer than a few hours.

Why do we think times have changed so much? Outside of the fear which holds people back letting the kids go out and play, why have Late Gen Xers and Millenials decided to make their lives so much about their children?

I'm not suggesting we let them go off and play on the building site like I did as a child, and looking back there were some very close calls, but this idea of forced family time, constant activities, organising a social life for them...why?

Does it come from influencers showing off what we perceive to be perfect happy lives and we copy to try and compete or we believe the life they are showing us is better? Does it come from doing for our children what we wanted our childhoods to be like but didn't have?

It's a genuine question, I'm not trying to offend anyone.

Our daughter is just coming up to a year old, so we haven't had to deal with any of it yet. I'm quite anti-social and my partner comes from a place where for the most part they are 30 years behind the UK it seems when it comes to kids. Think the children playing freely in a garage around power tools full of smoking adults, very few days out because no money for them etc. I think it's fantastic over there, and the children who are in those environments seem perfectly happy, just like I was perfectly happy going down the Working Man's Club on a Friday/Saturday evening and you couldn't see the ceiling because of the haze of smoke.

So where did the shift in our society come from?

I have fond memories of my mother doing daft things around the house to entertain us, but as a working class family in the 70s we really didn't have the cash for expensive day trips or activities. Those were few and far between, but I probably remember as many of those as an average 21st century child recalls of theirs. For me, the key difference isn't benign neglect as such: it's that we had more people around to brighten up our lives. The highlight of the week during school holidays was to walk the couple of miles to our aunt's house, where we'd spend the day playing with our cousins. And if my mother didn't particularly relish the prospect of spending hours with her very religious SIL, she never let on.
The rest of the time, like everyone else I'd be out playing, or if it was raining, trying to make my meagre supply of books last. My mother must have taught us to read before we went to school, as we were all great early readers, but none of us remembers that.

That said I took my kids to 100s of parks, museums, camping trips, activity stuff and as teens they barely remember any of it.

You're right! My dc are now almost 24 and 22 and they only really remember the stuff that we did from about age 8 onwards.

We had some lovely trips to London shows and Eurodisney when they were younger that they have almost no memory of, but they remember the cold, rainy UK camping trips and the Scout outings much better. We could have saved a whole lot of money on the trips they have no memory of!

Also similar, I remember a trip to the dentist as a treat as it was in the city and I'd get to spend time with mum and she's occasionally let us have some food out and I'd be able to use my child support money as a treat she's saved up for a new top or jeans.

It was the highlight of the year!

The rest of the time I'd come home, watch Tony hart, eat tea, argue with my sister and then just keep busy in my room.

Weekends were garden centres? Playing out with friends all weekend and sleepovers, so no specific parent time.

But I was safe and very happy!

Child of the 80’s and my childhood was also like this

I think my Children would find it similar to how it is now for them

We might go to the park once a month, but only in summer.
Weekends are spent as a family but we’d never go to a soft play or a theme park

A treat would be a museum visit or trip to the beach

Crafting with young children is my worst nightmare but I will get the paints out occasionally in summer

I will do puzzles but really hate typical child’s play

We do bake and cook together most weeks though as I did with my parents

We garden together too

Not sure it's a completely generational thing- my Nan lived with us and she was completely child obsessed, would play with us all for hours! Even when my son was born when she was at the ripe old age of 95 she was besotted with him- right up until she passed away she would sit in her chair, as she could hardly walk, and play with a three year old for hours on end at 98 years old!! She had four of her own, then looked after me and my two siblings while my mum worked. I don't think she was a ever hands off parent and neither were my mum or dad. But then again, nan would also make us stand in the corner for ages (or when we were a bit old outside) whilst she went to the bookies and I can't imagine anyone getting away with that now ..we also had a lot more night-time entertainment as kids than happens now- lots of evenings at the social club or family parties which were lots of fun. No-one worried about getting us home for bed-time, we just bedded down in a pile of coats when we got tired

I'm a 90s kid and even 20 years ago it was different to how things are now.

My parents both worked shifts, my dad more hours than mum. On days where my mum was at work my dad would take me swimming. On days with mum there was a lot more play time on my own. I was an only child but had lots of lovely toys and would happily play for hours with my barbies and dollies. I pretended they were at school and did lessons for them all lined up I also loved to play outside and had a skateboard that i couldn't ride but the boys up the road used to try and teach me. I was happy as Larry making my own fun. I did have days out with parents and with other friends during the holidays but it was a treat not a weekly event.

We went on lovely holidays but I remember that when we were away there would be some days for me, pool/beach, maybe a water park at the end of the week if I'd been good and there was one nearby. But there would be some days out that mum and dad wanted to go on which weren't necessarily geared up for kids and I remember if I whinged my mum saying "this is our holiday too, we've paid a lot of money and we want to enjoy it. Not everything is about you." In fairness she was right

I did spent time with grandparents. My Nana used to teach me card games. She was lovely but quite strict and wouldn't have me running around making noise/mess etc. If I was good and ate all my dinner she'd take me for a walk down to the park, which didn't have an actual play park in it - just a giant boating lake but the boats were never open. However I was happy spotting squirrels and feeding ducks.

I definitely didn't need constant entertainment from adults. I want to bring my kids up with a nice mix, I don't want them to be completely dependent on me for fun but likewise I don't want to be remembered as a parent that never did anything nice with them. However I do want to them to learn that compromise is fair, and we don't all just do what they want 24/7. I don't want to be a burnt out parent that never gets to enjoy anything just because they had children - not the life for me.

We were quite well off, lived in London and had two cars, we would be taken to a lot of places...cinema, museums, restaurants but like a pp said, there was no soft play or anything like that. Parents didn't really get down on the floor and play like they do now. I remember school summer holidays watching a lot of TV....not even kids TV really.

My parents were divorced. I remember my mum playing board games with me and occasionally taking me places (bowling/cinema/ice skating/the odd theme park trip). But for the most part I was expected to entertain myself. Certainly by the age of 11 all entertainment had pretty much stopped. Much Older sibling had left home and neighbourhood kids were not nice (I was a very shy/nervous child).

After school and holidays I was usually with an assortment of either elderly relatives or childminders. Now that was mind numbingly boring.

My Dad was useless and did nothing - apart from taking me to the pub where I pretty much had to sit in silence.

With my own DS, yes we do a lot with him. Not only for his benefit but because I love days out and hate being bored stuck in the house (definitely a throwback from my childhood). He's also an only child, and the boredom I felt a lot of the time was soul destroying. I don't want that life for him.

Also someone upthread asked what has caused this shift in attitude?

For me personally, I'm not doing all of these things with my son because I necessarily think he's going to remember any of it. It's more that on a day to day basis, I don't want him to feel lonely or ignored, or that he's not a priority. I don't want him to have a lingering memory that his childhood was boring and isolating, which is how I felt.

The recent trend to go pumpkin picking has made me lol. I had to explain the concept to my mother and that it’s mainly an excuse to take pictures of your children with pumpkins, she was gobsmacked that people would pay actual money to go and do this. There was also a thread on here recently from a mum of a not yet 1 year old asking for advice about getting out of debt, she was quite sweet but some of her supposedly necessary spending for this month was £60 on going pumpkin picking and to see the Blackpool illuminations. For the baby. People jumped on her post and I felt a bit sorry for her, she said they ‘still needed to do fun things at the weekends with her son’ and I thought this does just show how a lot of people equate being a good parent with spending lots of money on special trips and outings.

I used to get very excited about going pumpkin picking at Halloween... at Safeway’s. I.e. picking out the best pumpkin from the supermarket. I bet I wouldn’t have enjoyed the ‘modern’ version of this event any more. Likewise, I remember at Christmas looking forward to doing the big Christmas food shop with my mum, wrapping presents, the church service, being allowed to stay up late, the Christmas radio times, the school nativity. It was all hugely exciting without the need for 1st December boxes, breakfast with Santa, ice skating, Christmas Eve boxes, personalised pyjamas and stockings and sacks and advents and Santa plates (and every other bloody item possible to personalise, Christ knows where people keep this stuff). There’s just more and more and more, more stuff, more activities, more money to have to spend. I don’t know why because it’s not for the kids. We were happy back then and they’d be just as happy now with a simpler childhood. So why have we done it?

I was born in the early 80s and my mum did take us to places sometimes but wasn't a daily thing and also spent plenty of time reading, playing outside, rising my bike, watching tv, collecting bugs, making dens in the house with my sister. I liked it that way. I think it is great for parents to do things with their children but also good for children to develop an ability to entertain themselves a bit too. If in was ever bored as a child I rarely whined about it but found something to do.

Oh and just looked on Facebook and it seems almost obligatory to not only decorate your house like some sort of elaborate murder scene for Halloween but also to make a big thing of it, spooky themed activities and outings, someone asking for a good place to order Halloween ‘treat boxes and sweetie cones’? Eh? Get yourself down Tesco and buy them a big bag of their favourite sugary crap. Job done. Is that not a treat? Also I saw someone advertising a kids ‘sleepover business’ which I thought sounded fucking weird but then realised it’s someone who you PAY to come and set up a sleepover for your kids with little wigwam bed things and sweets and pampering and snacks and activities. The world has actually gone mad.

Ps. Yes I’m a grumpy old cow in case that’s not obvious

I do not think it was adults doing their own thing at all- I think it was more that loving and providing for children’s needs did not include entertaining them. Doing too much for a child was considered spoiling them - which was fine occasionally but independence was encouraged. I think parents in my day also gave up a lot to care and provide for their children - I’m sure my mum would rather have had fun playing with us - but she had to work and shop and clean and wash. I think parents now may possibly have more time to play with their children but mostly it’s considered more essential and good for children’s development than in the past.

I'm not sure about a 4yo being in charge of a 1yo but we didn't do "activities" as such. Mum did teach us a bit of sewing and cooking but that was education, not for fun and we did a lot of helping in the garden etc, but again that was to be useful, not entertainment.

We very much fitted around what they were doing rather than the other way round.

"Why do we think times have changed so much? Outside of the fear which holds people back letting the kids go out and play, why have Late Gen Xers and Millenials decided to make their lives so much about their children?"

Smaller families is one. Even three children in a family is rare now. One is quite common.

Possibly an emphasis on quality time rather than quantity that came when more women went to work (yes, I do know that historically mothers have always worked, but none of my friends' mothers did in the 80s).

If you look at countries where families are still bigger, I doubt you have this focus on the children.

They were definitely different times. Very little interaction with my mum in terms of playing or "doing stuff". You just got up on the weekend got dressed and went along wherever she was going, no questions asked. Ate what was put in front of you and went to bed without capering. My mum is often open mouthed at how different things are today and I'm bloody with her.

Agree with pps who say we were able to play out more in those times too. School holidays were about getting up and hanging around with my little mates on the estate and not coming home for hours. No way could my kids do that today at the same age i was doing it from.

I’m a 90s kid. My dad worked but my mum didn’t.

My mother would get irritated when I couldn’t entertain myself at a young age, though we lived in a small town without many kids nearby and no relatives. If we went to the park it was always from me asking to go.

The few times I remember her playing with me, she said what I picked were boring or didn’t seem interested. Anything crafty or cooking would get taken over by her or heavy critiqued. My dad seldom played with me.

We never did anything that required money, with the exception of trailing around shops for hours. My parents were strict so I didn’t play out much. Most of my childhood was spent watching the same taped movies over and over.

During summer holidays I had to get up at 8am Mon-Fri and spend the whole day cleaning the house or ironing my parents’ clothes. When we did go away, it was caravan holidays which meant being bored in a new place as we weren’t allowed to spend money to do anything.

I never felt like I got much positive attention or affection when I was young. I hated being a child and I’m so glad I’m not a one anymore.

I had no idea that my 1980s childhood was so unusual!

@Joeblack066 you've reminded me about being left outside in the car at the pub! A bottle of Coke and a bag of crisps and the adults would be gone for a while. I think I would have had a book with me, but not sure.

[quote muckandnettles]@Joeblack066 you've reminded me about being left outside in the car at the pub! A bottle of Coke and a bag of crisps and the adults would be gone for a while. I think I would have had a book with me, but not sure.[/quote]
My parents used to give me Coke and crisps too. It was often on a Sunday evening and they would put Sing Something Simple on the radio for me lol!