has parenting changed or was my childhood unusual?

[pallyfally]

Should start by saying I do have great parents and they have always stood by me and are good fun. I see them a lot and we get on mostly.

I just wonder if anyone else had a similar thing growing up and maybe it’s just normal? My mum was a stay at home mum but I don’t remember doing anything with her growing up, yet now I’m an adult I see most parents doing things with their kids...taking them to play centres at the weekend, daily trips to the park, lots of walks, painting, cooking, just activities day to day.

I have a couple of memories of us doing painting but it was all highly controlled and stressful because of any mess. We never ever cooked as far as I recall, no cake baking for instance.

When my sister was here I would get her out of her cot, I was age 4, and we would go downstairs very early and watch tv. We were perfectly happy doing this but I just don’t recall my parents being around and it strikes me as odd now? Obviously we were well fed and looked after so they must have appeared at some point but I just can’t imagine having a four year old and 1.5 year old getting on with things on their own like that. It’s quite funny I suppose but just surprises me.

I always remember having a book read at night but that stopped by age 7 if not before which is normal I think. Christmas and haownee and Easter and birthdays very much celebrated and we went on holiday a lot and taken to museums etc lots of learning. I’m talking more about day to day life really and how I have no memories of doing much with my parents like that.

Is that sort of thing normal, some parents just not into the whole activity thing and doing things together on a day to day basis?

Benign neglect I think it's called. We were raised the same op, pretty much left to our own devices to make our own fun. There were trips to the beach, never went abroad, happy upbringing but my parents were just doing adult living and we did kid living. I don't feel any lack oddly enough.

I had similar (born 1983). We had a UK-based family holiday once a year. We only did "days out" with our grandparents, a couple of times a year.

No painting/baking allowed because of the mess. No swimming either because mum didn't like it.

Both my parents worked full time and there just wasn't the time or money for loads of activities I guess. I read the same Enid Blyton books over and over again and remember being bored a lot! I suppose I had Brownies and after school clubs. And riding bikes in the street with friends. And colouring in. Hardly a bad childhood tbh.

But we almost never had a ‘day out’ or trip out at the weekends, there wasn’t the money and anyway people just didn’t do that!

We sometimes went to the zoo or a museum, or to see relatives at the weekend. But my dad did a lot of driving during the week as part of his job, he didn't want to spend every weekend driving somewhere.

As I said above, my mum did take us for days out during the school holidays, when my dad would be working.

@NoProblem123

Rolling fags and polishing the brass at the grandparents was our Saturday entertainment

It was all about the parents when we were small, now it’s all about the DCs and I’m very bitter that it’s never been about me.
There, I’ve said it!

This is a genuine question - do you think your parents felt it was all about them and do you think your DC think it's all about them? I wonder whether our children will grow up feeling they were always put first as children or whether it never feels like that from a child's perspective, that you always remember the times you didn't get what you wanted. Similarly I suspect a lot of the parents being described on this thread would be incredulous at the idea that they got to do what they wanted and didn't have their lives disrupted by the children, and I honestly don't know if that's them misremembering or that it genuinely didn't feel like that to them at the time.

I was a seventies child with similarly hands off parenting. And my mother didn’t get up before we left for school in the morning, and we were responsible for the care of our own clothes - which I hated because we’d be (4 girls) fighting over clean knickers to ensure we all had a pair. Ages 4 - 8.

So I ensure I don’t repeat those patterns.
However, I am rubbish at playing and now see my role as more of a facilitator! 😂 so I take them to the park and make myself comfy with a kindle and a coffee, they know where I am and they free range and I chill!

@Coldwinds

Society has changed.

And your childhood sounds very similar to mine. I wasn’t even allowed 50p to go to the local dance troop where as now most kids are in some weekly organised activity

50p was 10 bob! A fucking fortune.

70’s/early 80’s. Don’t remember my dm taking me anywhere when little. DB went to playgroup, I didn’t (apparently there was no space).
I do remember going to a few places as a day out, but these were instigated by df.

I was a 50s baby and the middle of 7 children.

We used to have occasional days out in summer, and I remember making cakes, buns and scones by the time I was 11 so I must have been shown how. But certainly most of the time played with friends - play dates weren't arranged. 'Is 'x' coming out to play?', was how we arranged our own playdates.

My kids were born in the late 70s and, at the time, I thought, I did loads with them as I did far more than my mum. I took them to playgroups and to 'playdates' with people I met with kids of a similar age. Once they were at school though, although I still took them to some friends, they made their own and 'called for them' to go out and play. I did much less with them than good parents do now but, on the other hand, they were far more trusted and independent. I wanted to know where they were, but they disappeared for hours playing imaginary games and knowing that they could call on any friends parents if needed - as well as many neighbours.

Times change and there are advantages and disadvantages to every age. Much of what I did with my kids and what they did would be at the very least frowned on now and some would have SS involvement. On the other hand they had the freedom to be kids, to be a bit feral and to learn their independence in a way today's kids will never know.

(And there are no more dangers (other than traffic) than there were then or when I was growing up. In some ways less as reporting it isn't as hidden now. (I used to hide things from my parents because I didn't want my freedom curtailed, and since my kids have grown up, I know they did the same with me)

Born late 70’s and this sounds fairly similar to my childhood too, I remember making mince pies with my mum a couple of times at Christmas and a couple of art activities. We’d go clothes shopping on a Saturday or sometimes my dad would take us to the library and then for an iced finger. We’d occasionally go on a Sunday to the park.
My dad would play lots of board games with us, but mainly we were out on our bikes for hours, I’d pack a crappy picnic of a few Bourbons and a chunk of cheese and be gone all day, we had so much more freedom. I walked to school from around 7 I think, I’d see other friends along the way and we’d all
walk together. Sunday’s were generally very dull and if anything would involve an exciting trip to the tip or to wash the car 😂 holidays were to Blackpool or Wales and Cornwall when younger, abroad from around age 8.
Dinners were easy, just literally put in the oven-findus crispy pancakes, chips, chicken Kiev’s, with dinners with more effort at the weekends. I went to a tap class once then stopped, swimming sometimes at the weekend with my mum and sister but a lot of that was because my mum wanted to keep fit.
Play dates weren’t generally arranged, we did it all ourselves and went to ‘Knock in’ for others or everyone would be hanging around outside the shops. My mum wasn’t in a mums type group and my parents socialised with family mainly-dads brothers and sister and their families.
I also remember being up v early downstairs alone and finding rude videos on top of the shelf (Porkies 😂)
It was very different to now, but looking back it was an amazing childhood but massively different to the investment I have in my Dds life.

I typed a long reply about the myriad activities I did with my parents growing up in the '80s, but then realised it sounded horribly smug and I was incredibly lucky to have all those opportunities.

Back then, there weren't any of the sensory, massage, yoga and signing classes on my parents' doorstep that I regularly take my preschool daughter to, but my mum and dad engaged with me constantly and I didn't know the meaning of bored.

I am early forties. My dad took us swimming and when he was home we went for walks and things. I remember very occasionally baking - but with my sister when we were a bit older not with mum.

I also remember mum spending days in bed and getting cross with us if we made any noise. I now think she might has been depressed - but if I bring anything up she gets defensive so we all pretend it didn’t happen

I think a lot of people in our generation were brought up like that and it does seem bizarre compared to how we bring up our own children. When I first watched Call the Midwife, I had a panic attack nearly when seeing those babies left in the pushchairs outside the antenatal clinic and in front of the terraced homes but it was normal then and being able to smoke in the antenatal clinic, imagine doing that now or after giving birth light up a fag in your ward 🤣

Same for me. I sometimes wonder if kids today get overwhelmed with all they’ve got going on. My brother and I did one after school activity each, once a week. Otherwise we were at home doing homework, then chores. Saturdays were all about helping clean the house and wash my. Dad’s car, not days out.

I agree with this. Kids are constantly being taken places, doing activities etc. and they seem to have lost the ability to entertain themselves. I remember doing things with my parents (in the 60s/70s) but I also spent a lot of time simply playing with my friends or by myself, and being perfectly happy. Going somewhere was a treat and was really enjoyed.

Born in the fifties, left primary school in 1969.

My mother would play tea-parties, sometimes. Often she let me play in the kitchen whilst she was doing housework.

But generally, she believed in 'benign neglect'. Or, just neglect. It was self first, husband second, son third, daughter... who?

My parents did literally nothing with us two kids until we were teens and ble to play the odd game of cards. Board games at Christmas if family came over only.
We were the by product of the marriage. We were feral and never at home. We were never asked our opinion on any single thing and never had to make decisions of any sort. 50% of the kids we mixed with were the same. We did exactly as we were told. Our parents were fairly strict but we knew they loved us. We never wanted to upset them so we were well behaved kids. They never came to school sports day, parents evenings or anything like that. Mum made an appearance at a nativity play once. Dad would have eaten his own hands before he would have done that even. I didn;' do so bad. I am very resilient and resourceful.

*Knock on’

Also, McDonald’s etc was a massive treat and possibly only every few years. We didn’t eat on only on holidays or very special occasions and that would be a pub lunch like a Bernie Inn. My dad would go to the pub every Friday night and sometimes all day Saturday with his brother 😬

@Hardbackwriter

I think times have changed but also that you might just not remember a lot of that background, low-level parental interaction, etc. I don't remember ever being taken to the playground but there are photos of me there. My mum was astonished when she gave me a load of children's books she'd kept that I didn't remember any of them - 'you knew that one by heart, you'd make me read it every day!'. I have no memories of baking with mum but when I started baking with DS mum said what lovely memories it bought back because that was her favourite thing to do when we were toddlers...

I have a general warm, fuzzy feeling about my young childhood but relatively few specific memories (and those that I do have are actually mostly negative - being told off unfairly, an incident when my brother hurt himself and I was really scared) - I don't think that's unusual and I don't think it means no one was doing anything nice with me day to day.

I think this might be true for a lot of us.

I do have lots of memories of family board games, baking, Dad making us toys etc, and we did have day trips in the summer - usually with Mum because Dad was at work. But I suppose my overriding memories are of doing things with my brother or friends, or reading on my own. But I bet if Mum was still here she'd tell it differently - especially when we were small.

That said - we certainly had more freedom then and aged 8-11 we would catch the bus to town and go to the cinema, or go off on our bikes, and all we had to do was get back before dark. Can't imagine it now......

Late 40's here and yes it has changed a lot.

The idea of a 4 year old and a 2 year old (as it was for me) getting themselves up and sorted at the weekend is not something I could do for any of mine.

That said, she would always be up first thing during the week and make our lunches, my lot make their own. So...it works both ways.

My father was frankly useless. Spent more time with other peoples kids than he did with his own. Worked shifts and ran the local
Sea Cadets in his spare time. Well family time as it should have been. Adores us now and spends as much time as possible with us but it was a typical Husband/Dad dominated 70's upbringing.

I am very old and have a grandson. His Mum was at home for a few years and every day there were activities and gym and lunches out with other Mums. . And outings/shopping at weekends. It looked exhausting, stressful and costly. But I’m old-fashioned.

I should add that Ma would get better treatment for her hormonal issues that led to violence now too, so obviously the baking didnt happen.

F

I didn't' do so bad. I am very resilient and resourceful.

I think that was the good thing about childhood in earlier times, without Mum and Dad constantly organising our lives. We just got on with it, learned to improvise and to cope.

Sounds similar to my childhood. I’m 52 so was a child under 10 in the 1970s.

Two working parents on shifts. 3 younger sibs.

We lived relatively rural on a dirt track road with only 15 other houses so all the kids just played outside together every day.

Our mother was creative however, she made rag dolls, was artistic, and always did a good spread for birthday parties, but she kind of didn’t need to play with us as we had the kids in the street and all the woods, park and rivers on our doorstep, lots of swimming, I was in sea cadets, and so on.

We also had free rail travel so me and the sibs often tubed into London by ourselves to go ice skating.

I don’t remember mum ever coming on any of these day trips, or reading to me, coming to the park with us, playing board games, none of that.
She had a short attention span and wasn’t maternal in my mind, although she’s raved about as a grandmother.

Times have changed definitely. Businesses spring up preying on a woman’s guilt for trying to combine a career with motherhood. Seems like you must do softplay, playdates, museums, etc etc else your child is neglected.

I’ve brought up my two to do all that of course, not because I have career guilt (no career, I’m a job flitter and only tend to stay in jobs 2-3 years at a time) but because I’ve never lived anywhere as rural as I did growing up (lone parent so only had tiny, cruddy rented homes in urban areas) and my kids have never lived close enough to their school friends to be able to call round their house to play out.

We do outdoors stuff a lot though. Walks, boating, etc plus I’ve always read to them and played board games. They’re pretty creative kids, but also love their screen time. Modern times, eh.

Just realised now outing all this is but, meh...

My Mum divorced when my brother and I were pre-school aged.

She worked full time in an office and when my brother started school he would walk back to the council nursery where I went full-time and wait for our Mum to finish work.

I started school at age 5 (bro is 18 months older) and my our neighbour had the key to let us in to our flat. We walked home (through central Edinburgh) and stayed in the house from about 3.15pm until she got home at 5.30pm.

We survived. No burns, no disasters.

I agree with all those who said this was normal. Children were loved in the 80s, but they weren't child kings as they are now. Stay-at-home mothers did housework and encouraged their children to play - they didn't play with them as if they were children themselves. They used their weekends to go around the shops. Occasionally there'd be a trip to the zoo or something, but they wouldn't shape their whole life around what the child wants to do. Things like soft play didn't even exist.
Your childhood sounds perfectly normal.