Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

[Marison]

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

RedskyAtnight

Most of the younger mums I know wished they have lived life more before having children. The ones with teenagers are making up for it now though

Is that not the idea though? Children aren't babies forever, if OP decides she wants to travel or broaden her horizons in her forties then she's free to do that. I'm not sure why youth is always so associated with the only time for personal development.

@grandmasterstitch

I don't understand these responses. Asking OP if she's travelled. So what if she has or hasn't? I haven't travelled, I got married at 24 and had my first baby at 28. It would have been earlier if we hadn't struggled to conceive. I have a friend who has travelled extensively and at 34 she's only just starting her first relationship and she's perfectly happy. I'm also perfectly happy with my life. Not everyone is the same

Isn't the point that the OP's fiancé has very clearly signalled that he isn't happy with her plan to have a baby ASAP? And that while the OP is whingeing, in a way that makes her sound incredibly juvenile despite her claims to maturity about his 'unfairness' and how he's already made her wait four years, people are simply pointing out that he has a very good case for waiting? Especially if he is going to be the one supporting the OP throughout maternity leave, which won't be funded by her doctoral stipend.

I suppose it's because travelling in your 20s is different to travelling when you're older.

I've done both - lived and worked abroad in my 20s and took a year off last year, at 40, to travel again.

Two very different experiences - at 40, I had considerably more money and life skills, but at 23-25, much more energy and a different perception of risk.

As I say, neither was necessarily better, but they were very different.

LadyJaye

I guess if they're equal but different experiences, it doesn't matter which you do then? You could have kids in your early twenties and travel in your forties, or you could travel in your twenties and have kids in your thirties / forties. Plus travelling / "youthful experiences" may not be what OP wants or is actually invested in (for right now anyway).

@LadyJaye

I suppose it's because travelling in your 20s is different to travelling when you're older.

I've done both - lived and worked abroad in my 20s and took a year off last year, at 40, to travel again.

Two very different experiences - at 40, I had considerably more money and life skills, but at 23-25, much more energy and a different perception of risk.

As I say, neither was necessarily better, but they were very different.

I don't think it's even that, it's also that if the OP travels now, she travels as a childfree person without that tie. If she has a child now and travels later, she will be a traveller with a child or children, even if they're young adults, and it's necessarily a less carefree experience.

I know it's parenthood rather than age that has changed, if not my perception of risk, then my willingness to take risks I consider unnecessary, because it would be a stupid way to orphan my eight year old.

Everyone's different, but I would tend to agree that it's good to do a few things personally and professionally before having a family.

I met my DH at 21 (he was 23), married mid-20's and had my first child at 31. Those ten years were used for education, traveling, building up our careers, and just having a good time! It meant that when we had a family, we were OK to do less , although I did my master's while at home with little ones.

We've traveled with the children and it's been fine - although we've spent a lot of time in foreign playgroups. Now they don't want to travel with us anymore so we're waiting until they're 18-plus to do some more. We can do things locally as they're 15 and 12 so don't need a babysitter anymore.

@LolaSmiles excellent post at 0736

Travelling is just one example of how limited ops life has been so far. No not everyone needs to travel, although I'd highly recommend it. M

She's been a young carer, then gone to uni locally (and imo that means not having the full uni experience), been in her serious relationship since she was a child of 17, has moved for the fiancés job - but not especially far I don't think, within the same county but different town maybe? has only worked for 3 years, and is back studying (which must surely limit what time she has for other experiences) and is now wanting to limit herself further by having a baby.

It's a very very narrow way to live and shuts down the possibility of having so many other experiences.

Young adulthood should be about having as broad a range of experiences as possible and finding what ignites your passions that you may not have considered or known about.

Youth is not the only time for personal development but it's the time when it's easier to do so as you have fewer commitments and limitations generally speaking.

As I say, neither [travel experience] was necessarily better, but they were very different.

Exactly

I travelled and lived overseas in my 20's, I hope to do so again in my 50's (I'm 48 and my health is very poor in several ways - another risk if you leave it until you're older, or indeed you may need at this stage to care for parents) but it won't be the same as it was in my 20's.

Sundries
It's difficult. I married reasonably young, am doing a postgraduate course at the moment with a toddler and working part time. It's doable, but difficult and my DH has also gone part time be and we have grandparent support. That's why I think the attitude of 'I'm driven, very academically talented and so much more mature than other 25 year olds, so obviously motherhood will just be another thing I'll juggle amazingly' seems a naïve to me.

I'd never piss on the OP's academic aspirations as that would be an awful thing to do, but if she seriously wants to achieve the things she's said then she needs to have a more mature outlook and a bit of a reality check in my opinion.

Moaning about how unfair it is that your DP won't agree to a baby when you have wanted one for years and an overall sense that it's so unfair the OP's life is because she has been pestering for years doesn't sounds like someone who is realistically in a place to have a baby.

With a bit more thought, financial planning, and open discussion about what life would look like at the point of TTC then there's no reason the OP and her DP can't find a solution, but the 'woe is me' attitude needs to go because that in itself is going to be hurting her cause.

**Moaning about how unfair it is that your DP won't agree to a baby when you have wanted one for years and an overall sense that it's so unfair the OP's because she has been pestering for years doesn't sounds like someone who is realistically in a place to have a baby.

(Edit to make sense. Lack of sleep is terrible 😭)