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Original poster

Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

184 replies

Marison · 04/10/2020 19:14

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2020 20:11

Everything you wrote is very self-centered and smacks of immaturity. Your partner isn't ready. Back off or leave him.

peboh · 04/10/2020 20:14

He is not being selfish. He has valid concerns and reasons for waiting. You're being selfish to think your wanting of a child should be more important than that fact he isn't ready.
If you have a baby with him when he isn't ready, there's a big chance you'll grow to resent him. You're still young, get married, finish your masters, live a little bit more.

FourPlasticRings · 04/10/2020 20:20

Just wait, OP. I know of an engaged couple who had their child before their wedding. Sadly, the man died in a traffic collision and she was then stuck with inheritance tax and having no legal rights to his estate etc. Nightmare for the poor woman. If you do manage to convince him to go ahead before the wedding, do get a watertight-as-possible will sorted, won't you?

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danidella · 04/10/2020 20:24

I feel its best waiting until you have finished your masters. A baby will take up a lot of your time and attention. Im 34 and pregnant with my first (due in December). I would have loved a baby at 25 but i'm glad i waited until i was a bit older. I have gained more life experience and established my career too. Its best to wait until you are both ready. A few years ago my DH wasn't ready but wanted to be a dad. It depends if you want to wait for him to be ready. I think its a lot for a man to think about, knowing his life will change and being responsible for a little person

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/10/2020 20:25

If you two are really committed, why not go ahead and get married? Why wait two years? Once you are married, the logical next step is a child. I think his reluctance to father a child with you suggests he is not committed to your relationship. Perhaps sort that out first?

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 20:33

Right, some of the comments on this thread have genuinely been helpful and kind. I have asked advice to help understand if I was being unreasonable to wanting a baby before the wedding now it has been postponed again. I am Not nor will I ever force my OH to have a baby until he is ready. This is a promise I made him years ago and have stuck to and will continue to do so. I love him more than anyone in the world.

I feel the fact that I am 25 is not as relevant as people seem to think. I'm a grown woman and if I chose to have a child now or in 10 years time that's my choice. But I understand the advice given to me about my age etc

However some of the comments calling me desperate etc were uncalled for. I came onto this forum for advice. I have sat with my OH and had several conversations about it over last few months. What got to me was how the excuses to wait even longer again changed so often. I understand that he isn't ready and I don't want to force him into anything he isn't ready for.

I won't be posting on this forum again as many of the comments have upset me. I'm not being petty or stomping my feet at all. I am grateful for the genuine advice that I have been given but for a place for mums/future mums and dad's etc to safely get advice I was shocked at some of the hate aimed towards me.

Yes I desperately want a baby. No denying. If I have to wait then I will. But I don't want to be taken for a ride and it be a case that he doesn't want them at all. Truth is, no one can know my whole story or lifestyle, so some of the comments were far too harsh in my opinion.

But again, I thank all those who were kind and genuine in their advice.

OP posts:
ShellsAndSunrises · 04/10/2020 20:36

@Marison Would you consider a small wedding now, if he wants to be married first?

We’re a bit older - I’ve just turned 30 - but we were due to get married in May too. We both want kids but would prefer to be married first. We got married in August, max of 30 people; a lot smaller than we planned, totally new venue etc... but I’m so glad we did it.

He’s either leading you on and isn’t ready yet, or he wants to be married first; which you can do something about, if you want to...

But you have to chat to him. There may well be a compromise on both sides if you’re pulling in the same direction.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/10/2020 20:37

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have children at 25. Mumsnetter in the main seem to think th shouldn't even think of starting a family til after 30. That you should live first. But you can and do live before 25 and you can and do live after the kids move out.

I had my first at 26, last at 29. I've never felt like I missed out on anything!!

Decide what you want. Who you want. Whether you want to wait. For him. Or whether you set yourself a deadline and if it doesn't happen, move on.

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 20:39

@ShellsAndSunrises. we did talk about having a small wedding but he wanted to keep it to the numbers we have as his family is so big. It's not a very large wedding in general but he is set on having everyone there which I get

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 04/10/2020 20:39

It's possible, as others said, he either isn't ready or doesn't really want it, but someone can be very excited about something and that excitement can be part of not rushing into it.

My spouse and I have been excited to buy a house for over a year now -- and we're still renting. We don't want to rush into something that's going to change drastically the look of our finances and possibly lifestyle depending on where we buy.

I agree with others that the idea that you're a 'year away from being a lecturer' sounds a bit farfetched with how academia works these days. I'd be having a lot of conversations on how the both of you are going to make that goal work with a child. It does come across as a bit dramatic to be making all these declarations of what will and won't be happening when so much is still in the air.

And, having academic resources may help with this, you might want to look into the research around marriage and the ramifications if you actually think it's 'just a piece of paper'. Maybe dig into the research on marriage, its impact on life and family outcomes, the components and challenges of healthy marriages if you think that feelings aren't going to change. It's very common even for couples who have lived together for a long time to have feelings change after marriage, even more so when a baby is thrown into the mix with or without marriage. Feelings change over time - that is inevitable, even loveydovey old couples who've been together decades have gone and still go through days/weeks/months of being off with each other. It's getting on the same page and being able to talk through them that matters more than feelings remaining the same, which is an unrealistic expectation - a great way of feeling frustrated in future.

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 20:40

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I love the fact that your username is a TBBT reference haha and thank you!

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/10/2020 20:43

I also wondered about @GeorgiaGirl52’s point- why not just get married now and then you’ll be in a better legal position to start a family? A couple I know had their original wedding plans ruined this year so they had a small civil ceremony in September and are using the money they would’ve spent on other things. They’re hoping to go on their honeymoon next year or later if necessary.

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 20:45

@AmICrazyorWhat2

I did ask him about having the wedding as planned last month (we postponed from May, to Sept then to next year again) but he didn't want to as he wants all his family there

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/10/2020 20:50

Ah, Ok.

MidnightCitrus · 04/10/2020 20:58

Sadly I think a few posters were derailed by someone suggesting you get pg by dishonest means

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2020 21:02

It was OP who suggested getting pregnant by dishonest means. Which is quite the euphemism.

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 21:08

@AnneLovesGilbert

Actually I stated that I promised I wouldn't, I probably shouldn't have used "but" as the conjunction in that sentence but I never said that I would use dishonest means

OP posts:
Deadringer · 04/10/2020 21:11

It seems to be all about what he wants op. He wants to wait and have a big wedding, he wants to wait to have a baby, but you are the one taking responsibility for contraception, while putting your wish for a baby on hold. I would pick a date, 6 months, a year, two, whatever you feel you can live with, and tell him that you will be having your implant removed and ttc from that point, if he is not onboard he might want to rethink the relationship. However, as someone who had children quite young and never quite got around to having a career, i would say wait until you bag the lecturer job first.

shreddednips · 04/10/2020 21:15

I understand why your DP wants to wait until you're married, there are legal advantages for doing so.

Have you had a conversation with him about plans for a family and roughly when he sees himself wanting one? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting children young, although I must agree with PP that it really does mean that you can't have fun in the way you do before children. It changed life in ways I couldn't have imagined before I had DS. But there's also nothing wrong with him wanting to wait a bit longer and unfortunately, you just can't do it until he's ready.

However, if the truth is that actually he isn't sure whether he ever wants children, that's a different matter and he needs to tell you as it could be a dealbreaker. Whether or not to have children is not something you can compromise on really. But actually, there's nothing in your OP that makes me think that this is the case. Sounds to me like you need to have a conversation and ask him what he wants. If it's a case of him knowing he wants children but in a couple of years when you're married, then I'd enjoy your time as a couple to the fullest and wait until he's ready.

Original poster
Marison · 04/10/2020 21:15

@Deadringer

Thank you, that was the kind of thing I was asking for advice wise. Kind, helpful and constructive

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 04/10/2020 21:18

If it’s a case of the legalities and tradition of being married, do a quick registry office formality to get the paper then have the big pomp public ceremony in a future year.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 04/10/2020 21:22

Maybe have better goals in life? Yo are young, how can just procreating be a goal? Anyway it needs to be a joint decision, not just yours.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2020 21:23

Could you have a small wedding then start tcc and have a bigger celebration when COVID settles? I know for a lot of people it’s really important to be married before having kids so maybe that is part of his concern?

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2020 21:23

Ttc*

Pomegranatemolasses · 04/10/2020 21:29

@Marison, how are you so sure you'll be a lecturer in a year, simply by doing a Master's? It's generally a very difficult field to get into, needing a doctoral level qualification plus publication record.