Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

[Marison]

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

Graphista

Why do you need all of this information? She's entitled to be irritated that a big and exciting event in her life keeps getting postponed. I wonder what the responses would be if OP hadn't said her age.

@LoeliaPonsonby

Devil’s advocate - your OH fell into a relationship with you at school but has no idea how to leave it what he really wants, so is going along with it because it’s nice and easy, guaranteed sex and girlfriend. He is horrified by the thought of marriage and kids but doesn’t have the balls or emotional intelligence to get out of this situation....

This is a really good point.

@JenniferSantoro @LoeliaPonsonby

If my OH didn't want to be with me, he would bloody say! There is no need to put ideas like that into someone's head, regardless of whether you say that you are acting as a devil's advocate. I'm fortunate enough to know he loves me and wants to be with me, so I am not going to let that comment run around in my head. But future advice for you, no need to make other women worry for no reason, some might start getting paranoid about something like that.

Not necessarily expecting op to answer at all! More these are questions she needs to consider herself to understand why she feels the way she does and why that may not be a good thing,

And someone genuinely secure in their relationship wouldn't get paranoid about the possibility the fiancé is doubting the relationship altogether, but someone not so secure may need to consider it!

I'd say I'm pretty secure in my relationship, but I'd be uncomfortable with someone on the internet saying my long-term partner wanted to leave me and wouldn't admit it. I don't think instilling paranoia that your partner is about to ditch you around every corner is particularly healthy - sure, you should expect that there's a chance that they might at some point but overthinking everyone's motives can easily turn into that expectation being the reason for your partner leaving.

If we should all doubt our partners because they are excitedly talking about the idea of children but saying not yet for quite sensible reasons, my DH should have doubted me. Every single part of me wants to be with him forever and I really wanted another DC with him but the timing wasn’t right for us yet. A couple of years later, the timing was right and we now have DD2.

MN is very quick to find reasons not to trust people.

And yet MN and the real world is littered with women who are childless because their partner didn’t commit until it was conveniently too late, or when the relationship failed, somehow found it in themselves to shack up, marry and sprog with someone else in a matter of months.

You’ve said it yourself, he keeps on coming up with excuses not to have a baby and reasons not to get married. Frankly, waiting until you can have your whole family there is a pathetic excuse right now - he’s telling you a big day with his family is more important than being married to you. Either he really doesn’t want kids, in which case this isn’t the right relationship for you, or he doesn’t want kids with you, which amounts to the same thing. If you’re still in the same situation in 2 years’ time, you are a fool. Best to find that out now in your 20s, not in your 30s.

You might want to visit the Academic Common Room on here, it’s full of academics attempting to combine mothering and academia.

@LoeliaPonsonby

He isn't making reasons not to get married at all. Covid is the reason it's not happened yet.

This seems the most sound reasoning I've read on this thread so far.
Not keen on the accidental pregnant process. We stood up for our rights to not be raped. It just feels like rape to have knowing control over your contraception and having a baby.
Do you trust him? My OH did same and I think waiting for a marriage you know he wants is worth it. Trust might be in your vows.

I wonder what the responses would be if OP hadn't said her age
My advice would be the same. Nobody should be pressuring their partner to have a baby. Based on the people I know it's led to some feelings of resentment, big and small.

Anyone who thinks they're going to walk into a lecturing position with a master's degree and a couple of years work experience is probably kidding themselves and if they're planning on starting a family then I'd be encouraging them to take a serious, realistic look at their career goals, their finances and have a proper conversation with their DP that goes further than 'but I really really want one'.

I know people who successfully balance academia and a family. None of them walked into a stable, well paying position in their mid 20s with a master's degree, all of them have a partner who has had to compromise and move for the partner in academia, all of them lacked job security at times (to a greater or lesser degree).

[quote Marison]**@JenniferSantoro* @LoeliaPonsonby*

If my OH didn't want to be with me, he would bloody say! There is no need to put ideas like that into someone's head, regardless of whether you say that you are acting as a devil's advocate. I'm fortunate enough to know he loves me and wants to be with me, so I am not going to let that comment run around in my head. But future advice for you, no need to make other women worry for no reason, some might start getting paranoid about something like that.[/quote]
Don’t be defensive. You’ve asked posters for their opinion and they’ve given it. It’s not about putting worrying thought processes in your head, it’s about posters saying honestly what their views are. There is a wealth of life experience on here and it would serve you well to listen to other perspectives. Good luck with how things pan out, however that may be.

He doesn't want a baby he has told you but he needs to be absolutely honest with you and tell you whether this is now or always. He cannot lie. Then you can decide if you want to be with him or not.

What is so bad about waiting two years? It sounds sensible to me and I presume your fiance is much the same age as you so time is definitely on your side. Having a baby is a big thing, a huge responsibility, which you need nobody to tell you but he probably wants things to be less pressurised for a while longer and who can blame him. It will also give you time to establish your career.

Talk to him and try to make sure he doesn't intend to put off having a baby indefinitely but I think how he feels right now is quite normal for a young man.

OP, honestly, the fact that you reinvented being halfway through your second master’s degree and only then even beginning a doctorate into being ‘one year away from being a lecturer’ makes me wonder how many other aspects of reality you massage into your preferred shape.

You work as a teacher - will you give that up to do a PhD? Will you do the PhD while the baby naps and after a full day teaching? Sadly one of these ambitions (an academic career / babies) is likely to impact on the other. At least with the PhD once it's done you can still have babies, the other way around is less easy! You've been a carer for parents, then your niece, and now you want the lifelong commitment of your own children. Don't you ever get to just be yourself, with limited responsibilities?

My response would be different if the OP wasn't 25. If she was 40 for instance she wouldn't have two years to hang about waiting to get married and then try to conceive after that. So of course age is important under these circumstances.

Where did the funding come from for this second Masters?

Sundries
I thought the same. It feels very much like 'I'm excellent, very academic, was so much more mature than anyone else was at 17, at 25 I've got more maturity and life experience than most other 25 year olds, it's no guarantee I'll be a lecturer (and I've gone from being a year away from being a lecturer to a year away from starting a PhD - big difference), and I want a baby because it's not fair that life's unpredictable nature has changed my partner's perspective or timeframe on children'.

It's quite an immature attitude.

Even adding the fact there's a stipended PhD coming up, that adds to the immaturity in demanding a baby. Usually stipends are full time, but don't come with maternity pay so that's a reasonable drop in income for 3-4 years. Friends with PhDs had really high workload without a job, so who will be looking after the baby? If she's managed to get a part time studentship, is she going to work, do a PhD part time and have a baby on the grounds they're so much more academic than everyone else? If so, has she actually listened to what people have said about the challenges of a newborn and a career / PhD or has she decided they're just being negative because she's so driven and will obviously be better than everyone else?

Finances, wanting to do a PhD, etc would be more entirely reasonable considerations for her DP when considering bringing another life into the world. For example, is the DP going to be expected to be the breadwinner for the next 5 years and have to cover most of the bills, OP's maternity leave, all the childcare and most household expenses? Is that a role he wants to fill? Nobody had a right to expect their DP to do that.

Of course I'm just thinking out loud here, but as the thread goes on I can see lots of things that would have me dragging my heels over bringing a baby into the world.

Agree with all that, @LolaSmiles. I’ve supervised two women who had babies during doctorates, and it wasn’t easy, despite them being academically excellent, having supportive partners, a good on-campus crèche etc.

Your remind me very much of a woman I know.

Her life plan was: degree, masters, doctorate, job, baby by 27.
She was strongly academic and achieved the qualifications in short order. She struggled to find a job and, once she had a job, decided that it wasn't really what she wanted but never mind because the main aim was always to have a baby. She did have her first baby when she was 26. She gave up her job during maternity leave because she thought it was important that she should focus on the baby as that was what she'd always wanted. She had the intention of returning to work once the baby was older. Child 2 came along in short order, which of course delayed the planned return to work. Woman now finds her academic qualifications are out of date (she would be competing for jobs with those who've just done doctorates/post docs) and she has no real work experience to show case a future employee. Her children are now teenagers and she tutors friends' children for a few hours a week, having never returned to the workplace. Half of her is very happy; the other half of her feels very unfulfilled.

Of course you are a different person, and your life may well pan out differently. But, you need a plan beyond just the desire to have a baby.

I can see how it is frustrating tbh, your life circumstances and choices aren't really relevant but it seems you are in a good place and on the right track. Unfortunately life never goes according to plan but you just have to ride it out or mitigate risks.

Having goal posts moved is the bit to keep an eye on. Your dp point of view is also relevant and if you are confident he does want a life and dc with you then in the nicest way possible you have to suck it up. 2yrs isn't that long in the grand scheme of things and you will achieve a lot in that time.

I would make it clear to your dp and with his agreement that after the wedding you will be straight on to trying to conceive(if that is what you want then) and won't accept any more delays. Things might change or develop in two years and it might become clear whether he is truly on board with having a child. People can be very good at talking the talk. Not to cast doubt on him but you should always be aware of when you are being strung along.

I don't understand these responses. Asking OP if she's travelled. So what if she has or hasn't? I haven't travelled, I got married at 24 and had my first baby at 28. It would have been earlier if we hadn't struggled to conceive. I have a friend who has travelled extensively and at 34 she's only just starting her first relationship and she's perfectly happy. I'm also perfectly happy with my life. Not everyone is the same

@grandmasterstitch
... MN thinks anyone under the age of 30 isn’t capable of knowing they want a child.

Tbh it’s only acceptable to discuss child bearing issues between 32-37 Under, you’ll be branded ‘eager’, ‘pushy’ or ‘impatient’ and told you’re being silly. Over, you’ll be passive aggressively asked why you didn’t get your shit together earlier and berated for waiting too long

I don't understand these responses. Asking OP if she's travelled.

I don't think it's lack of travelling per se. More that your early 20s is a great time to broaden your horizons and experience different things - much harder to do those things once you have a baby. If you just go school-university-job all in your home town that limits your life experience.

Most of the younger mums I know say, whilst they wouldn't be without their child(ren) they wished they had lived life more before having children. The ones with teenagers are making up for it now, though!