Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

[Marison]

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

Would you have a quick registry office marriage in the next couple of months and start trying then, and do the wedding bit later? If not being married is the issue, that should fix it?

If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident

Dont!

If you have a baby when he's not ready you will probably end up doing most of it alone, and he could become very resentful. It was bad enough for me when my ex went behind my back and got a dog after I'd said i didn't want one, and then I was expected to look after it all day, train it, walk it and pay for it. Seriously it made me resent him so much , it was one of the major reasons we split up. Don't get me wrong I love dogs and I have one now, but at that time in my life I wasn't ready and having it forced upon me felt like a violation. I had 4 children under the age of 6 and had enough on my plate.

I'm sorry to compare babies to dogs, i know its not the same but they are both a huge responsibility, and the feeling of having to go along with something you don't want is awful. You both need to be on the same page.

Yes, it’s been 4 years, but you started wanting a baby very, very young.

How is he in terms of being committed. Does he take getting married very seriously or was that something that was primarily from you. In my experience, if he isn’t chomping at the big to get married, that should be a red flag.

@Marison

Fiftysixthnamechange

You're 25, why is this the be all and end all for you? It seems you have something missing in your life that you think a baby will fill.
Live, travel, have fun, go out with your friends, work hard, play hard. Why are you so keen to tie yourself down so young? I'm not surprised your partner doesn't want a baby, youre coming across as desperate.

A baby doesn't stop you from living a life and having fun. Thanks for that. Asking for advice. Not insults.

Thanks for the advice kid, I have children and I'm 2O years older than you, I suspect most of the women on this thread are older than you too. You might do well to listen to their advice rather than stamping your feet because you want a baby NOW. Really, it boils down to this, regardless of your age, marital status etc if your partner wanted a baby with you he would do, but he's not...... because he doesn't want to. Its really as simple as that.

Being married does make a difference. If that matters to you both you’ll put being married above doing it front of loafs if guests and having a big chin dig. Why not just get on with it? No point saying you could have done it twice by now when you actually could have done it at least once. Being married is nothing to do with the wedding.

You can’t trick him into a baby. You’re an educated woman, is it something you’re really considering? He’ll be the child’s father. He gets an equal say in when you start ttc. Why wouldn’t he? You sound like you’re stamping your foot because you can’t have a dolls house or a new pony.

Would you keep up the lie and claim you’d conceived with the coil in or fess up if he was happy? What if he wasn’t happy and left you? Do you really want a baby more than your fiancé?

Have a word with yourself.

It may well be sensible to postpone TTC until you are established in your career as a lecturer if that is what you want to do.

That aside, is he putting the brakes on because he has good reasons (pandemic, not being ready, waiting for weddding) or is he coming up with reasons because he doesn't want children? If it was the former then talk it over, make a plan. If it's the latter then talk it over but if he really doesn't want children full stop then I would cut my losses and split up.

I think that maybe because you've been together since you were so young, it seems that you've been waiting forever to have a baby when in fact 25 is quite young to be having a baby now.

Also, although babies are portable and you can still do things, having children curtails your life for many years. Not that they aren't worth it, but your life won't ever be the same again and it would be a mistake to think that it will be.

Your fiancé currently wants you to wait two more years. What you need to decide is if you believe that or if he will keep putting you off. If he were to turn around and say that, actually he doesn't want children at all, what would you do? Stay or leave? Some men keep their partners hanging on with 'next year' or something similar until the woman feels that she's too old to leave and look for another partner. Some men say that they don't want children, their relationship breaks up and lo, they have a new partner and a baby within a couple of years.

If having children is that important to you and your primary focus, you need to draw yourself a hard dateline to either start TTC or cutting your losses and looking for a new relationship, and then stick to it.

He isn't ready.
I had my eldest at 23 and 27.
We too thought we could still have fun and for the first year that was true because he was small enough to fit in with us.
Since then it has become steadily less fun and more restrictive. Cannot go for holidays during term time, cannot spontaeously go out...for anything! It is bloody hard work and as someone who was talked into it before I was ready, you need to listen and respect what he has said.

Also, we had our son before getting married and were alot less relaxed at the wedding than we would have been if we didn't have to consider our almost 2 year old all day and keep watch of him on top of our mingling duties and having a good time.

A marriage isn't just a piece of paper - it comes with legal and financial protection which it is very wise to get before becoming parents. Waiting until after the wedding isn't such a 'weird thing' looking at it from that angle. Lots of info on this online e.g citizens advice.

I was desperately broody like u op so I do get it but if both parties aren't on board for right now then u really do have to just wait and not pressurise him. I'd been broody my whole entire life and we had ds at 28, a good 3 years older than u are now so the waiting and patience can be done.

Also I disagree with your 'having a baby doesn't stop you from living a life and having fun' comment, as do many other posters I see. I truly love my son and adore being a mum but it's a lot of hard work and everything takes planning and organisation now and 6:30 genuinely feels like a lie-in. The stress and worry is indescribable e.g when they are sick.

In your shoes I'd focus on the studies and waiting until after the wedding. I hope everything works out

If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident”. We’ve done this for years but obviously the modern politically correct types will have their nose put out of joint by it.

This is vile. If a man tampers with condoms it's seen as rape, this is no different and it's not just being a modern 'pc' type

Right x post as you’re now saying you wouldn’t do it but you thought about it enough to put it in your OP. Either you’re a grown up and can talk about important things with your partner and listen to him. Or you can have a tantrum because you have to wait for something you want.

If he’d agreed 4 years ago you wouldn’t have the career you have and might not be doing your masters or have your house.

You're a year away from being a lecturer, so in theory could have to postpone doing that because you'll having a baby or will have a new one.
Even if it takes 6 months, you'll be applying for jobs pregnant, so looking to work for a year then have up to 12 months off. Great prospect for them, not. It might be illegal to discriminate but of you and someone not heavily pregnant both apply a d are good, who do you think will get the job?
You also have to be in a job X weeks before being pregnant to qualify for decent may pay. You say money is done, but can you afford it all on just his wages ?

If you don't look for a lecturer job and just have time at home with the baby, how will that career gap affect your employment prospects?

In understand that maternal need, I don't think it means anything is missing fr your life like pp suggested but I do think that need can cloud your logic.

Even if you get married tomorrow, and you can do of that matters , I wouldn't be trying for a baby until you're in your lecturing job.

As for him, do you think it's about the marriage or would it be some other excuse of you'd got married? I'd talk to him about what he's scared of, what he wants to risk off first.

If he does agree to try sooner, consider that your bit wedding will not be the same with you ruining around after a toddler, and the honeymoon certainly won't

A baby doesn't stop you from living a life and having fun sorry to tell you this but they do!
Mat leave and childcare drains your savings- holidays aren’t as easy, carefree nights out have to be managed, lazy sundays are a thing of the past. He doesn’t want children until in his 30s, that’s fine imo- he shouldn’t pretend otherwise though.

He isn't ready. Two people need to agree to have a child. Don't take the crap advice and be dishonest to trap him.

If you're 1 year away from being a lecturer, how do you know? If you're 25 and a secondary teacher then you've got 4 years max classroom experience and depending on the subject, if it's education/teaching then is there any guarantee that you'll be walking into a university teaching position? Equally, lecturing doesn't offer you the same financial security, often there's precarious zero hours contracts, not the same progression if you're wanting to be teaching staff without research behind you. He may well have valid concerns about you wanting to make a whole career change and children at the same time. He could be concerned that if you're not established in your career then there's likely to be implications on maternity pay etc. Have you discussed finances for maternity leave, whether you'll be sharing parental leave, how you both anticipate family life being structured.

Also, are you prepared for the impact of a child on your career? If you're driven and want to make it in academia then are you and your DP well aware what that will look like?

If you both want to be married, then that's possible at the moment. If you are both prioritising a party then that's your choice.

The fact you've seen people not validating you and essentially told them to shut up because you don't need insults comes across as quite immature.

Do you think your DH's feeling have changed recently - perhaps due to Covid-19 or other world events. Some people have been pretty unsettled, he may not feel it's the right time and have doubts about bringing a child into the world right now. This is actually a good thing because it means he's thinking about it rather than just going with it, only to flake later.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but maybe your life goals aren't the same, maybe they are. 25 (to me) is quite young for TTC and having a child can be tough on a relationship, especially if you are not both 100% wanting it. Don't force him, perhaps give him time. If you think you've waited long enough and it's not a temporary feeling on his side perhaps you are not compatible.

Thing is, you don't think his reasons are good enough, but it doesn't matter. He isn't ready. You need to respect that.

Bullying him into having a baby when he isn't ready could damage your relationship irreparably. I've seen it happen with two couples I know.

I think you need to find out if it’s that he wants to get married first or if it’s that he is scared of becoming a dad full stop. To be honest for most people becoming a parent is scary even when it’s planned so he might just be experiencing this fear whilst at the same time wanting to be a dad. Trying makes it very real, and he has had in his head that it wouldn’t happen until after you’re married. Maybe he just needs some time to come around to the idea. Or maybe you could have a smaller wedding and bring it forward, then start trying? It might not happen straight away, it could take a while to conceive - but equally if you start trying you need to be prepared that it could happen right away.

At the end of the day you both need to be happy in the relationship and it can’t be that one person gets their way all of the time. You need to try and compromise and come up with a plan that will make you both happy.

It sounds a little bit like you’re trying to railroad him into having a baby. He sounds very sensible wanting to wait until after you’re married and once Covid has settled (it’s not going to completely disappear). Plenty of people say it doesn’t matter whether you’re married but actually financially it does. If he were to die and you’re not married, you aren’t his next of kin. This can have implications financially.
You can’t just badger him until he relents. You are still very young in terms of fertility. You make it sound like having having a baby is a tick on a list, but you both need to be on exactly the same page.

If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident”. We’ve done this for years but obviously the modern politically correct types will have their nose put out of joint by it.

@BubblyBarbara that's because it's disgusting and deceitful. He wouldn't have consented to having sex without contraception. It's like the female version of stealthing. That's not being 'politically correct' it's just being a fucking awful person.

OP, I completely understand how the desire to have a baby can sort of take over but unfortunately if he's not ready, there's nothing you can do. Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation and asking him why he keeps making excuses and giving him an opportunity to be honest?

You should have a proper discussion about this before marrying him. He might come up with more reasons for delaying once you're married if he's not ready.

I m 25 and pregnant with our first baby, we re married and have a house and are in a decent financial position so I would have some bias and a differing perspective to perhaps other people our age on this.

we ve been together almost 7 years and honestly if my DH would be continually delaying it and giving not a set plan just maybes, I d have been wondering should I get married.
It's easier to walk away now than to get divorced in a few years time when he might still be dragging it out.

You sound very desperate.
He is either not ready or doesn’t want it with you. 🤔😳

Based on your post and updates I cannot blame him tbh...🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to calm down...you are only 25 and in the midst of completing a masters at university. You got time!

You would have had a different response if you were older.

You’re only 25, I can understand your partner wanting to wait until after the wedding.

How can you be one year off being a lecturer? How do you know you are going to get a position? Most lecturer positions are temporary and difficult to come by. If you want to pursue a career in academia, then you should be prepared for several years of very hard work and instability, and I wouldn´t recommend having a child at the very start of them.

The main thing is to establish that he definitely does want to have a family in the future- comments about looking forward to being a Dad are all very well, but you need to sit down and have a serious talk about it. If he’s on the fence at all about having children, he might not be the right partner for you.

If he definitely does want children and it’s just circumstances with the pandemic, postponed wedding, etc., then why not just wait? You’ll both end up with what you want, there’s no rush given your ages.