Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

[Marison]

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

I understand that you feel this way. But planning a child together really is a joint decision. If he's not ready for genuine reasons then I wouldn't get the implant removed without him knowing. I understand it might feel unfair but he's being honest with you and isn't ready yet so he doesn't deserve a bashing.. If you go behind his back he could never forgive you if he was to ever find out.

And FWIW I had my first child at 32!

@Marison

I think you need to ask him to tell you when you will try.

Because that's not fair to keep you waiting:

I really relate, btw. I was 23 when I had my first child and 26 almost 27 when I had my second

Been with my husband the same length of time as you

Also own our own house and an apartment and two businesses so it's not that young

I'm not sure the comments about you having time help

Its more to do with the fact your fiancé won't tell you when. My husband did this to me and I was hysterical about having children.

You’re not too young to have a baby. I had my first at 22 and later ones in my mid to late thirties.

My eldest is 20 and my youngest is four.

But if your partner is not ready, then he’s not, and you can’t railroad someone else into being a parent when they’re not ready.

I don’t feel like my life has been anything other than enhanced from having my kids, but that was a choice, you can’t make that choice for someone else. None of my friends had kids until my eldest was about seven or eight 🤷‍♀️

My second husband is fifteen years older than me and his eldest is the same age to the week as my eldest. He wasn’t ready to have kids with his first wife (he’s a widower now) until nearly forty

His children were born when he was 37 and forty years old. He and his first wife were married quite a few years before their eldest was born. His first wife was about three years younger than him so they waited quite a while. It’s different for all couples, but you have to agree.

OP, being desperate for a child since 21 and he is 24 is a bit young.

So important to both be on the same page.
Children, whilst wonderful in many ways, utterly change the dynamics in a relationship.
Having some time married before you start a family can be very helpful.
Also the advice re your career is very sage.

But if your partner is not ready, then he’s not, and you can’t railroad someone else into being a parent when they’re not ready
This in bucketloads.

No amount of pushing, complaining, nagging, demanding a date, feet stomping because 'i really really want one' is going to make someone ready for a baby. If anything it's a huge red flag for anyone with an ounce of sense.

Having a baby is a big decision and it makes sense for both people to have a mature discussion about it, which will include a discussion about parental leave/maternity leave, finances, career expectations, the reality of career decisions, balancing of childcare responsibility, whether one person wants to work full time, part time, be a SAHP, expects the other to be a breadwinner and cover the bills so the other can flit around doing what they want.
If the OP won't consider some of the good advice on this thread then it suggests they're not mature enough to be considering having a baby.

Devil’s advocate - your OH fell into a relationship with you at school but has no idea how to leave it what he really wants, so is going along with it because it’s nice and easy, guaranteed sex and girlfriend. He is horrified by the thought of marriage and kids but doesn’t have the balls or emotional intelligence to get out of this situation....

I don’t think you are too young and you already work with children, so I imagine you know your own mind.
Do you think his reasons are going to keep changing, he does definitely want children, doesn’t he? that would be my only worry... is that he isn’t being 100% forthcoming.
I can understand waiting until you graduate and begin your lecturing job and even waiting until you get married, but it’s a long time for you to wait when you want children so much. Surely there must be some compromise. I’d be tempted to ask him at what age he think he will be ready to start trying or exactly what needs to happen before hand. Once married will he want to wait until after your honeymoon, then after you’ve had a few years together as a married couple etc

@Seychelles98

Not necessarily though? She made her last post at 9:15pm, it is now 4:30 so she may have been asleep or at work.

I think maternal age when having first child has to be taken in context.

For previous generations there was less reliable contraception, more societal pressure to “settle down”, many people left school as young as 14/16 and so by the time they became parents around 23, 25 etc they’d been working and “adulting” and so emotionally maturing for at least 7 years, often longer.

My mum was 23 when she had me BUT she’d left school at 14 and been working all that time as an adult, that was the norm then, in addition it was an unplanned pregnancy, if it had been up to her she’d not have had kids at all - very unusual view for her time. She’d also done a year backpacking/working in Europe. Her friends and family had their first around the same point (some variations of course) but again they’d left school at 14, maybe 15 at a push and been operating in the adult world for several years, travelled, dated, tried out various things (different jobs, hobbies, meeting different people etc).

Op left uni what max 3 years ago having gone straight to uni from school (relatively locally?), has been with the same person since 17, as far as I can tell from her posts here has experienced very little of life, and hasn’t even, again as far as I can tell lived anywhere but her home county?

That’s a very very limited life so far, she seems afraid to stretch herself emotionally or in terms of maturity and is now overly focused on tying herself down even more?!

Op if you were my dd (and I’m old enough to be your mum) I would be very much encouraging you to broaden your horizons, cliche maybe but it is something everyone should do.

My dd is a little younger than you and recently moved away to study, she is actually quite shy and nervous type but she does push herself to build her confidence and try new things. When she was living here in our home county, she had her own place for a short time whilst she worked full time, used that time to decide what she wanted to do with her life after leaving school relatively young due to some issue with the school. She had a serious boyfriend at one point but he was quite a serious, conservative young man and after a while she felt restricted being with him and he had things he wanted to do which involved moving away too. They’re still friends but no longer together. She plans on gaining a profession but also wants to do some travelling when she can (covid kinda buggered some plans there).

The world is a HUGE place with so much to discover and yet op wants to restrict herself so much at such a young age.

She has experienced seven full years of being an adult I would argue only having left uni 3 years ago means she hasn’t had 7 full years of being an adult. Particularly if she didn’t go away to uni.

Children, whilst wonderful in many ways, utterly change the dynamics in a relationship. absolutely - whatever age you are

@LoeliaPonsonby Entirely possible unfortunately. Not definitely but yes a possibility.

Just to clarify, I haven't huffed off at all, been rather occupied with work, studies and had a delivery of furniture, not that I need to explain myself.

I suppose another key clarification I should have made (albeit at the time of my Op I was rather emotional) my partner and I had agreed to try for children after the original wedding date. Which was May this year. Then again in September this year. My issue was that now the wedding will be postponed by 2 years (had confirmed yesterday) he wants me to wait until after the new date.

What I didn't understand was the difference between now and then. He hasn't said that he doesn't want kids or that he isn't ready. He clearly has to a certain extend to say he wanted to try after original wedding date. Why wait the 2 years for the wedding when we know what we want in life anyway. And I am not the type to screw him over any legalities etc what so ever.

As for the comments of niavety due to being with him since 17.5/18, the fact that we have held a mature relationship for so long from that age shows a bit of maturity. I have lived a good life (So no childhood trauma there) and have done travelling and experienced lots of amazing things. Choosing to have a child is something I've always wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother. Im fairly maternal, I was a young carer growing up (my parents are disabled) have always been around children, I work with them and was even mature enough to take in my 14 year old niece at 22 when my sister passed away. (note, she lives with her dad now, I had her for 2 years) so I understand the responsibilities needed.

As for the lecture thing, I was wrong in saying a year away yes, I currently have a masters already and am finishing my second in February 2021. I am then starting my doctoral of which I have a scholarship for. I am very academically inclined. I know it is not guaranteed that I will be a lecturer, but even so I am in a good position in my career anyway. As for "being local" actually we are not. My OH and I made the decision to move away from our hometown after uni, and that was for his work opportunity.

I am grateful for a lot of the advice given (not just the ones people seem to think I want to hear) and I have taken it on board and spoken to my OH since. We still haven't come to an agreement yet but we are not at war's with each other at all!

@Marison Good luck to you, whatever happens! x

@feministfemme thank you! x

Honestly don’t think children and academia mix well for women, maybe for men but for women it’s a different ball game

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

Okay but that doesn't mean that I should either give up academics to have a child or choose not to have a child for my career. I understand it is a balancing act but it is possible. Most of my colleagues are women with children. I think it depends on geography and experience and qualifications etc

Sorry to upset all the young mothers with my ‘ageist’ comments that the brain is pretty plastic till age 25.

I had my twins at age 26 btw!

Good luck op. I think you’ve had some very judgemental responses on here. You sound like a very driven and intelligent woman.

I would not marry him unless hes got a solid timescale on this.

I've seen it with a couple before, friend got strung along year after year, eventually she left him and he had a baby with new partner not even 2years later. Dont know why some blokes cant communicate what they actually want

@Marison yes of course, I’m not saying don’t have a child. I’m glad you have a culture of women with families in your workplace. It does depend on the institution

As a working mother of three I will tell you that having children and balancing a career is fucking hard and my dh is completely on board with having kids, does picks ups etc and sorts out activities.

I had my first at 29 that was a good balance for me, thing is you can’t convince your fiancé to have a child.

He’s putting it off cause he’s not ready

I don't agree remaining in a relationship from a young age necessarily indicates maturity, it can just as easily show a reluctance to risk change, fear of moving on etc

When have you travelled given your age and uni plus work etc? Holidays are not what I mean when I say travelling - I mean spending extended periods of time away from home, ideally overseas and I would highly recommend living in outside the Uk for a period of time

I was a young carer growing up (my parents are disabled) you don't consider that to have affected you negatively - as well as positively?

I too have a lot of experience with children, it's not the same as having one of your own, nor is caring for your niece who was much older.

I wonder how long ago did your niece go to live with her dad? I wonder how that affected you?

As for "being local" actually we are not. My OH and I made the decision to move away from our hometown after uni, and that was for his work opportunity.

So as I suspected you didn't go away to uni, understandable to a point with disabled parents BUT it does mean you were restricted and that will have affected your maturity.

How far from home are you now?

Your background really concerns me. There are elements of it that meant you had to "grow up" too fast but that can give a false sense of being more mature when it's only in one aspect of life.

You've had a REALLY tough time and you don't seem to think you deserve to give yourself a break and pace yourself.

Life is LONG there is time to do all you want to do you don't have to try and do it all before you're 30 - which could impact your own health long term and possibly lead to an element of history repeating itself.

@Graphista

I don't understand how the foundation of my life has any affect on me choosing to have a child at 25. I understand it would effect how I am as a mother/person/wife etc.

The key point I was trying to make is that OH had agreed to a time to ttc, of which has passed but hasn't been put into place due to wedding being postponed again now.

I now understand that he cant be ready even though he talks otherwise, which I have gotten from a lot of comments on this thread.

I do not need to justify myself on how I have lived, how I choose to live and what has impacted me as a person in life. And I am not saying this out of malice or any target at you, I just don't understand why people are focusing on other elements of my life (with no knowledge of my OH life) when it's not 100% relevant to the question I was asking.

@Graphista Jesus do you want a copy of her medical records while your at it