Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

[Marison]

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

My sister spent all of her 20s with a man who kept her hope of them having kids alive but after 10 years of relationship and 1 year of marriage, she finally ended things because someone close to her got pregnant and she realised that being 32 years old there was a limited time to find a man to have children with before needing to go the donor route.

Sometimes men really like to prolong having kids because they aren't ready. Which is of course fair. But women's biology is just limited and cannot always wait for a man to grow up.

Brockerknocke
Some of those are unfair, but some are entirely valid comments, especially when read in the contexts of the reply.

For example 4+5 were both in replies that also discuss the OP's naïvety regarding their plans. It is naïve to be 25, have an idealistic idea of a job you think is in the bag (despite based on this thread having limited awareness of the demands of the job, plus based on the thread lacking the qualifications and experience to do it). It is naïve to be 25, in a relationship from 17 and saying 'yeah but I want X now, it's so unfair I can't have it now'.

The OP is 25. She says she wants a career in academia. She also wants a baby now. Not all 25 year olds would be that naïve, but the OP's age is almost certainly one factor in her lacking long term perspective on her situation.

@LolaSmiles

Why does the fact that she has been in a long-term relationship from 17 factor in at all though? I guess I see it as the fact that she has managed to stick to a long-term relationship (which is inarguably more difficult as a young adult than someone 30+) as a sign of resilience, and not naivety.

I'm willing to admit that I don't know a lot about her academic field, and so I won't comment on the possible naivety on that part - maybe she has extra qualifications, or maybe she is legitimately naive in that sense. I can understand it may be innocent to believe you can walk quickly into a specific job particularly during a pandemic, but ultimately she's asking about her relationship and family as opposed to careers' advice.

If you believe she is naive as well as being young, as opposed to due to being young then I've got no bone to pick with that. However, there have been multiple posts on here suggesting young mums lack ambition / are throwing her lives away. I can't get behind that train of thought, and I don't think I would shame a woman for their reproductive desires - young or old. That's all, no aggression to you.

brockerknocker
I didn't think any aggression to me, just felt some of the examples you gave made more sense within their original post because those posters were looking at the big picture.

I think it makes a difference being in a long term relationship from 17 because it is sheltered and can lead to the need to tick things off of not have a sense of long term perspective. I've no beef with people having children young. I had fertility issues in my 20s and would have happily had children younger. But if the OP is saying that she has this list of things she wants to achieve and she wants to be a lecturer and so on then this fixation on having a baby now really would be short sighted and selling out her other aspirations, but she won't hear it. It's not unreasonable for posters to point out that a lot can change in your 20s and having a baby is likely to impact on them.

I don't think it's possible to separate her haphazard career plans, naïve expectations and her partner's reluctance to have a baby now. They're likely to be linked.

Put it this way, I'd not be wanting to have a baby soon with someone who is thinking of leaving their job with all the security and maternity/shared parental pay, who thinks they're going to swap job security for what will probably be short term, zero hours contracts, who has been on at me to have a baby because it's not fair to wait until I'm ready, who is on at me because the see baby as the next stage of the plan, we have decided to have a wedding with family so need to save for that, there's no urgency in terms of fertility, and/or I'm just not ready yet. I'd probably say now wasn't the time and we need to seriously discuss the practical implications and financial implications.

I made the comments about her age upon starting the relationship.

It factors in because being in a relationship with the same person from childhood (and they were a child when this started) until early adulthood does mean they haven't experienced life as an adult:

Without being in a relationship
Without experiencing dating as an adult
Without ANY experience of being single
Without having to consider another person in the choices they've made for themselves

It's a very narrow, inexperienced way to live.

I have friends and relatives who married their "childhood sweethearts" and while the marriages are mostly happy (a few divorces but not loads), they love their spouse (if they're still married) and their children (they tended to had their dc younger too and while they love them dearly almost all of them say they wish they'd had them older) looking back (they're at least in their 40's but go up to 80's and 90's in age) they see how it narrowed their views, their lives, their experiences...

At 25 regardless of life experience up to that point IS, in the grand scheme of lives easily lasting into 70's and 80's these days, very young!

I guess I see it as the fact that she has managed to stick to a long-term relationship (which is inarguably more difficult as a young adult than someone 30+) as a sign of resilience, and not naivety

For starters resilience and naivety are not necessarily mutually exclusive, for another there's any number of unhealthy reasons why people "settle down" at a very young age many of which are also reasons why certain people have dc at a young age.

Eg it's a very common behaviour in people who had abusive or otherwise traumatic childhoods

And it's not "shaming" to point out that compromise and realistic life planning (career, finances, marriage) need to be considered in the situation op is in.

@LolaSmiles

brockerknocker I didn't think any aggression to me, just felt some of the examples you gave made more sense within their original post because those posters were looking at the big picture.

I think it makes a difference being in a long term relationship from 17 because it is sheltered and can lead to the need to tick things off of not have a sense of long term perspective. I've no beef with people having children young. I had fertility issues in my 20s and would have happily had children younger. But if the OP is saying that she has this list of things she wants to achieve and she wants to be a lecturer and so on then this fixation on having a baby now really would be short sighted and selling out her other aspirations, but she won't hear it. It's not unreasonable for posters to point out that a lot can change in your 20s and having a baby is likely to impact on them.

I don't think it's possible to separate her haphazard career plans, naïve expectations and her partner's reluctance to have a baby now. They're likely to be linked.

Put it this way, I'd not be wanting to have a baby soon with someone who is thinking of leaving their job with all the security and maternity/shared parental pay, who thinks they're going to swap job security for what will probably be short term, zero hours contracts, who has been on at me to have a baby because it's not fair to wait until I'm ready, who is on at me because the see baby as the next stage of the plan, we have decided to have a wedding with family so need to save for that, there's no urgency in terms of fertility, and/or I'm just not ready yet. I'd probably say now wasn't the time and we need to seriously discuss the practical implications and financial implications.

I agree and I think if OP wants children young, she needs to come to terms with the fact that that may mean making other sacrifices (e.g. taking time off during the early stages of her child's life, or accepting a lower pay grade for a while). In my opinion, it IS possible to have it all, it's just not possible to have it all at once for most people.

However, I guess I don't like the idea that young relationships are based on a precedence of naivety / being sheltered. Some people do find the person they want to be with and grow with at a young age, and similarly some people have done all of their craziness and experimenting before they settle down. So I agree that maybe some of OPs points are naive, but I don't think it's fair to chalk it up to age or when she met her long term partner.

But honestly, I'll admit that I personally am a traditional person and have always valued a family life over a career (and so am possibly not the best spoken when it comes to her employment struggles).
All I'm saying is, being in a long term relationship at a young age does not necessarily make you naive, and I think anyone who came on a thread and said "You waited until you were 35+ to have a long term partner? Wow you're non-commital / selfish / cynical " etc etc would be slated because it's just nonsense.

@Graphista

I made the comments about her age upon starting the relationship.

It factors in because being in a relationship with the same person from childhood (and they were a child when this started) until early adulthood does mean they haven't experienced life as an adult:

Without being in a relationship
Without experiencing dating as an adult
Without ANY experience of being single
Without having to consider another person in the choices they've made for themselves

It's a very narrow, inexperienced way to live.

I have friends and relatives who married their "childhood sweethearts" and while the marriages are mostly happy (a few divorces but not loads), they love their spouse (if they're still married) and their children (they tended to had their dc younger too and while they love them dearly almost all of them say they wish they'd had them older) looking back (they're at least in their 40's but go up to 80's and 90's in age) they see how it narrowed their views, their lives, their experiences...

At 25 regardless of life experience up to that point IS, in the grand scheme of lives easily lasting into 70's and 80's these days, very young!

I guess I see it as the fact that she has managed to stick to a long-term relationship (which is inarguably more difficult as a young adult than someone 30+) as a sign of resilience, and not naivety

For starters resilience and naivety are not necessarily mutually exclusive, for another there's any number of unhealthy reasons why people "settle down" at a very young age many of which are also reasons why certain people have dc at a young age.

Eg it's a very common behaviour in people who had abusive or otherwise traumatic childhoods

And it's not "shaming" to point out that compromise and realistic life planning (career, finances, marriage) need to be considered in the situation op is in.

Is not experiencing dating as an adult particularly important though? I guess I hold onto the belief that you can find yourself while within a relationship - some people truly don't value experimentation or want to go on dates with a lot of people.

I agree that compromises and life planning are necessary. They are absolutely vital, so if OP is naive in that section of her life then I'm remaining neutral on that part. I also agree that people who've had traumatic childhoods can be more susceptible to end up in young marriages.

However, I think it's important to be distinct about the fact that if there can be young people who got married (or had long term relationships) from an early age, then the fact that she is young and has been in a long term relationship is not necessarily the cause of her naivety. I also think there's a lot more sympathy to women who are of a more "acceptable" age range who have no idea what they're doing, whereas prospective young mothers do tend to get bashed on this site a lot more.

I'm not necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with anyone 100%. I'm just saying - correlation is not causation, and it's possible to think OP is naive without shitting on young mothers in general. That's all, sorry if I'm not phrasing it well.

*sorry young people who got married (or had long term relationships) from an early age who aren't naive

@Marison
OP I am 26 with 3 children, I dont understand some of the comments on this post about 25 been too young etc. The only really helpful advice I can offer you is to sit down, talk and set a date for ttc then you can look forward to it and it wont constantly be on your mind. Good luck with the wedding!

I was 26 when I married DH and got pregnant with DS, he’s also a few years older than me.
You’re not wrong to feel the way you do OP but you will get a lot of ‘you’re so young chill out’ comments, from people who obviously don’t understand how it feels to be desperate for a baby.

You’re doing the exact right thing laying out to DP what you want but you need to understand that it’s a 50/50 choice and no matter how much you ‘agree’ what will happen with him he can still say no and you can’t hold him to it, all you’re entitled to do if he changes his mind is leave him.

I worry you might get messed around and strung along OP be careful

Well, you’re 26 with three kids. Of course you don’t understand . Human brains are still relatively plastic until 25, there’s good reason why people choose that as an age to wait until before making decisions you can’t easily reverse.

Mamascoven
Alternatively instead of pushing for a date, which is just more of the same 'I want a baby so we should', why doesn't the OP and her DP have a discussion about what life would look like for them both to feel ready to TTC.

There's no point OP pushing to agree to TTC in 18 months time if in 18 months time they're still planning to give up a decent paying, secure job with occupational maternity pay for a zero hours or short term part time contract and their DP doesn't want to be a breadwinner. All that means is in 2 years the conversation is still 'but I want a baby and you said 18 months and you're so unfair because I wanted one years ago'.

A focus on getting a date agreed is all about the OP wanting a baby and doesn't focus on a couple openly communicating about how they see their future, what obstacles they might face, how they can make things work.

@MsEllany

I think that’s a very ageist outlook. I have 25 year old friends who are doctors, nurses, accountants, teachers, armed forces and emergency services.

Yes some 25 year olds are not ready or not at that stage in life but many are. I was a 26 year old mum and now all my mum friends are in their late thirties (we live in a village where most wait longer due to careers) but there’s very little difference between us. Other than I’m younger, fitter and conceived much more easily. There are plus and minus to any age you have kids

I think part of discovering yourself is learning how you relate to others so yes I think dating OTHERS as an adult IS important

It doesn't have to be a lot of people but certainly more than one.

Staying with your "childhood sweetheart" your whole life IS by its very nature limiting.

It may not be the cause of her naivety, but it could definitely be compounding it or at the very least slowing her maturity.

I definitely don't think I "shit on" young mothers generally  and I don't think anyone on this thread has!

After all I was nearly a very young mum myself and if you cared to you could AS me and you'd find I often in discussions on maternal age, state there are pros and cons to all ages and I've posted on threads BY young, even very young mothers and (I hope) I've been supportive, and given sensible advice based on my own life experience (as most mners do), indeed if anything I tend to be more critical of older mothers as so many seem to want to ignore the facts of the increased medical risks of being an older mother to both mother and child.

@Mamascoven You are coming at this from a particular perspective too being a younger mum yourself. Setting a date for ttc is not realistic in this situation I don't think as circumstances change and op doesn't seem to cope well with that. I can well see her becoming very disappointed/upset/even angry if when the date arrived there were very good reasons not to ttc at that time (fiancés job loss, complications relating to covid pandemic...) and the fiancé reasonably said they didn't agree it was the right time.

Which to be honest also suggests the op isn't ready to be a parent because for damn sure one of the things you better be able to cope with as a parent is plans changing! Right from pregnancy and birth! Parenthood is pretty much the practical demonstration of the phrase "we plan god laughs"!

You can plan so much, but you need to be adaptable and plan to be adaptable too (yes I know that seems contradictory but I'm pretty sure the parents on the thread know what I mean!)

@LolaSmiles Post is spot on!

I wouldn't marry him. He's moved the goalposts once, what if you wait two years and he still doesn't want one?

@MsEllany

Well, you’re 26 with three kids. Of course you don’t understand . Human brains are still relatively plastic until 25, there’s good reason why people choose that as an age to wait until before making decisions you can’t easily reverse.

That’s a bit ageist.

In 1970, average age of first time mother was 23, 1980it was around 25, and 2017, 28. Having children at a later age is a relatively new thing.

first time mother average age

(Graph halfway down article)

Missed out 1990 = 25
2000= 26
2010 = 27

You sound very controlling.

Um you are not going to be a lecturer at the age of 26 with a masters.

As a 26yo mother of two and fully qualified teacher, you should have children when you’re both ready for it.

I had my first DD at nearly 20 after a contraception failure. We still waited until we were both ready before TTC DC2. People are ready at different times and you need to wait until your DP is ready.

You have every right to take the implant out as it is your body. But tell him that you are going to have it done. And leave the decision up to him what he does next. But you are both still quite young to settle down to a life of babies. He doesn't want that yet.

Well, you’re 26 with three kids. Of course you don’t understand hmm. Human brains are still relatively plastic until 25, there’s good reason why people choose that as an age to wait until before making decisions you can’t easily reverse.

Seeing as we are generalising I find older mothers to be more rigid, they find it more difficult to adapt to having to think about someone other than themselves, more anxious to stick with some imaginary rule book rather than follow their instincts and listen to what their child actually needs. This leads to stressed out mothers who regret their decision to have children and highly strung children who are just crying out to be listened to.

We can all generalise based on our own experiences and view of the world but my generalisation would be seen as offensive whilst the young mums are just eejits that don't know any better is for some reason acceptable.

l don't know any 25 year olds ready to have children, with good reason!

Ridiculous.

Plenty of 25 year olds are ready to have children.

@Seychelles98

Also the OP has been wanting a baby since she was 21! Why not live a little and experience life first as an adult before settling down to babies?

She seems very immature and has a lot of growing up to do yet... I don't think she realises the responsibility that having children entails. Sounds too wrapped up in the cuddly newborn and dressing them in cute outfits. Well surprise surprise they do grow up and get more expensive with it!

She has experienced seven full years of being an adult. When would be a good time for her to have kids then?