Friend’s comment about my new house/being single

[Litza]

I’m probably being over sensitive. Have NC.

I’m 35 and recently broke up with someone. It’s been shit. I’d love to settle down. I’ve lived in my current place for 6 years, a two bed terrace, on the market for 300. I’ve been looking to move anyway because I’ve been a bit bored of this place, first home that was bought when I had no money really and lower salary. Anyway, I’ve decided to move for a bigger garden and to relocate closer to family.

I’m looking at places more countryside way and often the houses are generally bigger and a bit more expensive. I looked at one the other day asking price 525, 4 bed, nice garden, couple of reception rooms and proper parking. It’s not a mansion but a substantial house.

She asked me to send her the link. I did. She sent numerous laughing faces back and said that I would be rambling around it that and she couldn’t imagine me in it.

I don’t know why this has upset me, probably because I feel sensitive about being alone again. But also now I feel conflicted...I have the money to spend and I am on almost double pay since when I took out this mortgage on this small two bed. I wanted to put the money into a new house and climb the ladder but I feel like maybe she’s right, is this going to make me feel lonelier? One the other hand, I don’t want to live in a two bed terrace forever when my life has moved on financially...I would like a utility room and a proper drive etc!

I know the market may crash etc but this isn’t about that it’s just about what she’s said...will I be seen as a joke buying somewhere bigger? I feel like her life is moving on as is everyone else’s but I’m sort of stuck now according to her. She’s such a close friend too and I feel hurt by her comments.

I've found the ability and space to host guests in the countryside had made it the antidote of feeling lonely. Enjoy your lovely house OP !

@RubixMania
I agree, I have a 4 bed detached house but when youngest is off I’ll definitely go to a 2/3 bed, why pay for a huge house with empty rooms, I’d rather the money in the bank for holidays etc

@Belleende

I dont get the drive to relentlessly move up the property ladder. This may be a really unpopular view but I really believe you should only occupy the space you need. We are a small and in places over populated country. Four beds and two reception rooms for one person is just so excessive. And I bet it won't make you happy.

Do you have children?

Yes, two. We are in a snug 3 bed. It works for now. If circs allow we may at one point trade up for more room to accommodate 2 teens rather than 2 tots.

The OP has no kids. Buying a 4 bed for one person in case you might need the rooms seems so excessive to me.

@Belleende

Yes, two. We are in a snug 3 bed. It works for now. If circs allow we may at one point trade up for more room to accommodate 2 teens rather than 2 tots.

The OP has no kids. Buying a 4 bed for one person in case you might need the rooms seems so excessive to me.

Having two children seems excessive to me, especially for someone concerned about overpopulation.

I bought a three bed house when single, as decided I wanted a family at some point.
We are now a family of three in five bed house and I occasionally get comments about too many rooms. But I just ignore now, I love our house and its a great future investment.

There's definitely a 'she who wears the trousers and doesn't need a man' thing about large houses.

A single man your age would be likely to have moved up the property ladder according to income level - and to some degree, by some people, would be expected to do this, as a show of status. Building the best nest to attract a mate, or just living the lifestyle of a successful bachelor.

The kind of people who judge that sort of thing, would see a man with a very small house and a small or no car, as unsuccessful and therefore less attractive. That kind of person will see you as setting your sights high, as obviously you could only be interested in a man who is better off than you (and he in you), so you've ruled out all the men with smaller houses from your dating pool.

I suspect with your friend though, that she has some quite fixed ideas about wealth and what it is normal and possible to achieve, that are quite different from yours. She is struggling to reconcile your income level and lifestyle with her idea of what these were and with her own.

So, I'm not sure she's really emphasizing the 'alone' part in 'rattling around alone'. I think she may be struggling to comprehend the size and price of the place you'll be rattling around in and to reconcile this with what she thought she knew about you - and might have been surprised if you'd bought a large house jointly with another person, too.

With regards to your friend, I think she is jealous and has gone totally the wrong way in commenting on it. As she is generally supportive with everything else, then I’d steel yourself for this trait going forward.

More importantly, focus on what YOU want and blooming go for it! You’re obviously doing really well in your career, so feel proud that you’re in this position.

It’s likely that we will all be spending more time at home for the foreseeable, so choosing a house that you love is really important. Doesn’t matter how many bedrooms it has, a larger house is not going to make you feel more lonely. Picture it in your mind exactly how you’d like it to be for you. Picture it in winter - soft lighting, cosy throws, a fire on. Picture it in summer - feeling glad you have a lovely garden where you can sit with a cold glass of something, looking round at the flowers, hearing the birdsong. Picture it with a cat (or 2/3/4!) curled up with you in the evening. Or a dog bumbling around in the garden. Choose and create this home for YOU - not for what anyone else may or may not think you should have.

I moved 8 years ago from a 2 bedroom flat in London to a large 3 bedroom cottage in the country. I was, and still am, single. I chose it because I loved it as soon as I viewed it. I love the space, I love knowing that my family have enough room to stay here when they’re able to visit. I love having a garden where I can enjoy the outdoors without being around lots of people. I love that every few months, I spend a couple of nights sleeping in one of the other bedrooms - for a change of scene and just because I can! And I feel proud that it was my hard work, on my own, that brought me to my forever home.

Oh, and definitely don’t worry about estate agents. They really won’t be thinking anything about you being single - they’ll only be thinking about how much they’ll be getting in commission and how quickly the chain can complete!

Go for it - and enjoy your wonderful new home when it happens.

A single man your age would be likely to have moved up the property ladder according to income level - and to some degree, by some people, would be expected to do this, as a show of status. Building the best nest to attract a mate, or just living the lifestyle of a successful bachelor.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. I know a few successful and wealthy single men in their 30’s. All have expensive homes in expensive areas, sure...but by and large they’re in swanky executive apartments, two beds max.

I don’t know any single men in huge 4 bed typical ‘family’ houses. And to be honest if I met a man who’d purposely bought a large house for a future potential wife and children i’d find that immensely creepy and would run a mile!

And the same to the pp who has seven bedrooms and just her and dh

I mean, what on earth for? What do you do with all those empty rooms sitting there? Just...why?

Perhaps it’s just me being hard of thinking but I just don’t get it.

As I said, we didn’t actively look for a house of that size, but happened to find a perfect house in the perfect location that happens to have a lot of bedrooms.

I have no regrets. It’s a stunning house and we’ll use the additional room. It’s a A rated for energy efficiency.

If I had a seven bedroom house and 6 children, nobody would blink an eye even though that would be a huge environmental drain.

Incidentally, my house was built originally by a single man, and he lived in it alone for 15 years.

If I had a seven bedroom house and 6 children, nobody would blink an eye even though that would be a huge environmental drain.

Hmm...I see your point. But ‘morally’ speaking, on such an overcrowded planet/island I don’t think occupying a house x times larger than your needs holds much higher ground either.

I know a few people like this who have to put you down or make a comment.
My friend always goes on about how small our house is. Another one made a comment about a pine dresser of ours that doesn't fit in with the kitchen ( even though it's hidden away a bit and doesn't look that bad !) They wouldn't like it done to them.
Your new place sounds lovely : I'd love an extra bedroom or two myself and if you were my friend I'd be really pleased for you moving on with your life and getting a nice place. It sounds great.
I hope things work out for you and ignore your friend and her comments!

@RubixMania

If I had a seven bedroom house and 6 children, nobody would blink an eye even though that would be a huge environmental drain.

Hmm...I see your point. But ‘morally’ speaking, on such an overcrowded planet/island I don’t think occupying a house x times larger than your needs holds much higher ground either.

Morally speaking (no quotation marks!), on such an overcrowded planet (I’m not in the UK so not on your island, I’m not in an overpopulated area), I think having three children is absurd.

Based on what you’ve posted, your three bedroom house is probably near the square footage of my house. You’re taking up more space than you need, you just have it allocated differently.

Plus, your three children (albeit as lovely as I’m sure they are) will be a bigger environmental impact than any house.

Also, I’m not looking for higher ground here, I’m just pointing out that different people live in different size homes for different reasons. Thinking you’re entitled to a bigger home because you choose to have more children than someone else doesn’t wash.

Based on what you’ve posted, your three bedroom house is probably near the square footage of my house. You’re taking up more space than you need, you just have it allocated differently

You’re right...my three bed house, housing five people, is the same situation space-wise as two adults with a seven bedroom house.

Unless your seven bedrooms are actually seven cupboards, I highly doubt my three bed is the same in square footage, large though it may be 😂

Anyway, different strokes. I’m happy with my absurd amount of children and you’re happy rattling around in your seven bedrooms. Win win.

Rattling

This is exactly what the OP was on about.

I think actually rubix you’ve set out the problem here. You don’t think I should buy a bigger house because I don’t have children.

Basically, even if I’ve earned 500k cash, better not spend it on a house because I don’t have children? Doesn’t matter if I’ve worked hard for it, those bedroom aren’t needed. How absurd and cruel, especially as there are plenty of reasons someone might not have a family.

I’m so glad I’ve posted here. It’s really made me see how ridiculous it is for someone to say I shouldn’t have the home I want and have worked for, because I don’t have a family. It’s actually the posters who have pretty much said that I shouldn’t have a nicer house as I don’t have a family, who have made me see that it’s utter bullshit. So thank you!!

the80s I can’t believe you have a friend who has said your house is small on repeated occasions! What do you say back?

This reminds me of a friend I was closer to back when I bought my first home. She turned up and the first thing she said was ‘a bit small isn’t it?’... three months later she bought a house half the size and told me every chance she had how very deceptively spacious it was. People are strange!

@RubixMania

Based on what you’ve posted, your three bedroom house is probably near the square footage of my house. You’re taking up more space than you need, you just have it allocated differently

You’re right...my three bed house, housing five people, is the same situation space-wise as two adults with a seven bedroom house.

Unless your seven bedrooms are actually seven cupboards, I highly doubt my three bed is the same in square footage, large though it may be 😂

Anyway, different strokes. I’m happy with my absurd amount of children and you’re happy rattling around in your seven bedrooms. Win win.

What a nasty response. Are you the OP’s “friend”?

@RubixMania

A single man your age would be likely to have moved up the property ladder according to income level - and to some degree, by some people, would be expected to do this, as a show of status. Building the best nest to attract a mate, or just living the lifestyle of a successful bachelor.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. I know a few successful and wealthy single men in their 30’s. All have expensive homes in expensive areas, sure...but by and large they’re in swanky executive apartments, two beds max.

I don’t know any single men in huge 4 bed typical ‘family’ houses. And to be honest if I met a man who’d purposely bought a large house for a future potential wife and children i’d find that immensely creepy and would run a mile!

Fair point about the type of housing but I don't think we're actually disagreeing here. You read my 'nest' line far more literally than intended (and I said attract wife, nothing about children). That would indeed seem a little creepy.

I was talking about individual wealth and its visible enjoyment and the oddness of sex-based disparities in perception, as my next para made clear.

The kind of people who judge that sort of thing, would see a man with a very small house and a small or no car, as unsuccessful and therefore less attractive. That kind of person will see you as setting your sights high, as obviously you could only be interested in a man who is better off than you (and he in you), so you've ruled out all the men with smaller houses from your dating pool.

I think actually rubix you’ve set out the problem here. You don’t think I should buy a bigger house because I don’t have children

Er nope...I’ve said no such thing actually

I said that personally I don’t see the point in having a massive house in comparison to number of occupants. I still don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you read the thread again you’ll see it that I myself have an absurd amount of children, yet even I posted that I still wouldn’t see the point in having a load of extra, mainly unused rooms - it’s nothing to do specifically with whether you have children or not.

What I always find odd is why so many people equate ‘nicer’ with ‘bigger’ which is exactly what your last post does op. You can still spend £££ and have a perfect, beautiful home without having nine empty rooms around you when you can only ever use one at a time.

I'm glad I'm not your friend. I think you're projecting too much based on your own experiences.

Sorry buts it’s an anonymous forum. You actually have no idea if U’m your friend or not. You’re projecting based very little.
I think judging by the OP’s tone in later posts, I’ve got it spot on actually.

rubix but it’s exactly what you imply when you say a single person shouldn’t occupy a 4 or 5 bed house, particularly when teamed with your reference to your own number of bedrooms to number of children.

Bigger is usually nicer, assuming a home is nicely decorated throughout. But that’s horses for courses.

reveal I’ve lost track now with what your initial post was..but I will assume from your last post that my tone didn’t fit the meek Singleton...

This thread has MASSIVELY opened my eyes!!

I can kind of see what your friend was feeling as I personally don’t think I would want to live in a four bedroom house on my own. If I was single, with money to spend, I more see myself in a small, but flashy and expensive apartment. But I totally appreciate everyone is different and I am a city person and I actually do prefer smaller living spaces. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a bigger place in the country but maybe your friend can’t empathise because she wouldn’t herself? She was tactless but I don’t think she is necessarily jealous.

The equation between ‘nicer’ and number of bedrooms always feels weird to me, as does the fact that in the UK and Ireland we tend to treat bedroom number rather than square footage/metrage as the ultimate gauge of size. (My continental European friends are always a bit baffled by this.)

There’s a new development of expensive townhouses being built close to me, aimed at downsizers — they’re all exactly the same size, but are laid out in different configurations. They all have the same large kitchen diners, two big reception rooms (one on the first floor), and the ones with fewer bedrooms have large dressing rooms to each bedroom, and stuff like that.

They’re the usual soulless townhouse thing, but I thought it made sense to recognise that not everyone wants a bigger house to be primarily a matter of more bedrooms.