Friend’s comment about my new house/being single

[Litza]

I’m probably being over sensitive. Have NC.

I’m 35 and recently broke up with someone. It’s been shit. I’d love to settle down. I’ve lived in my current place for 6 years, a two bed terrace, on the market for 300. I’ve been looking to move anyway because I’ve been a bit bored of this place, first home that was bought when I had no money really and lower salary. Anyway, I’ve decided to move for a bigger garden and to relocate closer to family.

I’m looking at places more countryside way and often the houses are generally bigger and a bit more expensive. I looked at one the other day asking price 525, 4 bed, nice garden, couple of reception rooms and proper parking. It’s not a mansion but a substantial house.

She asked me to send her the link. I did. She sent numerous laughing faces back and said that I would be rambling around it that and she couldn’t imagine me in it.

I don’t know why this has upset me, probably because I feel sensitive about being alone again. But also now I feel conflicted...I have the money to spend and I am on almost double pay since when I took out this mortgage on this small two bed. I wanted to put the money into a new house and climb the ladder but I feel like maybe she’s right, is this going to make me feel lonelier? One the other hand, I don’t want to live in a two bed terrace forever when my life has moved on financially...I would like a utility room and a proper drive etc!

I know the market may crash etc but this isn’t about that it’s just about what she’s said...will I be seen as a joke buying somewhere bigger? I feel like her life is moving on as is everyone else’s but I’m sort of stuck now according to her. She’s such a close friend too and I feel hurt by her comments.

OP, I’ve recently bought a new house. Just for DH and me. 7 bedrooms, lots of land.

It’s bigger than we were looking for but the stars kind of aligned in terms of the style of house and location.

Some people have tilted their heads and said it’s a shame we don’t have children to fill it.

Good friends have asked if I’m going to have a dedicated shoe room

I’ve just re read the message and I actually can’t believe she said it!

I said, what do you mean... and she replied ‘I just can’t imagine you living in it on your own. It’s huge.’

Re reading it has just made me cross now I’ve calmed down from feeling hurt. I just wouldn’t say that to someone whatsoever and would be particularly cautious of highlighting someone being on their own after a horrible break up.

Whether it’s jealousy or something else, it was a silly thing to say. Now I think back the last place I looked at she commented that the prices were silly. And I didn’t throw these in her face, she asked.

Anyway...not the end of the world but I might say something if she says anything again. And you’re all right, why should I care what anyone thinks...I’ve had quite enough of waiting around for a man.

The thing is, she’s quite emotionally intelligent and she has been known to say things about her other friends to me ( not mutual) where she has admitted to being jealous of them. So I don’t buy that she said it without meaning to put me in my box if you know what I mean.

I think if I’m being critical of myself maybe I haven’t given the impression this is a huge buy to me..it is but it’s also a very average price and average house for the area so I don’t feel like I’m exactly living the high life...maybe that was inventive of me in some way. I don’t know. I’m just sad we even had this exchange as we have always been so close. I think I’m going to leave this where it is and not talk about this stuff with her for a while.

*insensitive of me

It was those laughing faces she sent which really hammer home her desire to undermine and unsettle you.

This is something amazing, that you’ve earned, that will make you happy - and she’s trying to poison it. Lathering on her opinion is intrusive and inappropriate.

It’s just as if you had turned up looking gorgeous in a new dress and she told you it wasn’t your colour. Out of a desire to puncture your confidence, and insecurity and outrage that you’re getting above your station.

Fade her out for a while and definitely do not include her in any other decisions or details. Go vague and grey rock on her.

Well done on your house to be and 35 is young!

Buy the house you want, and enjoy it. Sod what she thinks, she's being a cow.

@RevealAll

PortugeseManoWar There are nuances. I’d feel more sympathy for a friend if I knew other bits of their life weren’t great either. A fuck of big house is an amazing opportunity. Not sure why anyone would think otherwise unless they’d had to listen to someone making out their life was shit and lonely, before buying said amazing house.

Maybe the Op has a bit of an attention seeking issue. Maybe the friend was having a well aimed dig at her? Maybe the friend knows the Op well enough to know they like town living or is too messy to stay on top of a big house. Who knows?

Bloody hell, how unpleasant is this! Are you the OP's friend by any chance?!

YABU for sharing the link with her and not us

Some people hate to see those that aren't married achieving anything. Like they should stay in their place, don't get above their station. Actually there is no such thing as someone's place or someone's station! And marriage isn't an achievement that unlocks new levels like in a video game.

I'm sure you will meet someone OP (if that's what you want). In the meantime, enjoy your home office, gym, library, walk in wardrobe, whatever. It's also a great investment if you want to sell in future, and money making opportunity if you decide to take in lodgers.

If everyone just bought the exact amount of space they technically need, well no one would need a four bedroom house. All over the world whole families live in one room houses with no indoor plumbing and get by just fine.

She sounds like someone who is supportive when she thinks your life is shittier than hers. She doesn't want to see you get ahead of her and leave her behind. She liked the thought of you being poorer than her and lonely. She was the successful, life goals friend previously.

Ignore her. Buy your house and enjoy your life. I had a baby recently getting closer to 40.

You enjoy the home! My brother is single, has a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, two lounges, cinema room - he loves it!

I’ve got two trains of thought.

First buy what ever you fancy, it’s an investment and will give you a life style you’ve earned. It’s irrelevant what size unit live in the accommodation

However I live minimally, attractive area and just enough space but no clutter. Minimal is simpler physically and emotionally and commitment wise for me. A large house isn’t something I’d be interested in. However my friends have some massive stylish pads! I love visiting them in their homes. I really appreciate their beauty, setting, size.

I suspect t she’s just thinking about what she would do in you shoes and not thinking about what your requirements really are and the reasoning behind it.

Does she presently live in a similar house to yourself?

It’s not unpleasant.

The Op is not asking for advice on whether it’s a good idea to buy the house or not. She’s asking if people will see her as a joke if she does. Which is a bit odd given the Op is obviously worth a bit professionally.

The Op feels hurt that supportive friend is mocking her choices. She doesn’t understand. Yes friend may be jealous but there are alternatives. As the Op gave the scenario I‘m pointing them out.

I’m not “the friend”. But I do have a friend who is woe is me. It’s highly annoying when we rally round supportively ( physically, emotionally and financially) to find yet again she’s fine. She just likes portraying the idea she has it tough for some reason.

Her ooinion is irrelevant at the end of the day - buy the house you are hapoy with and fuck everyone else because you have to live in it!

@Litza

Thanks. This has made me feel better.

I have become worried everyone else is thinking ‘god how sad’ but not saying it!

She knows I am very sad about being alone so really that comment was obviously going to highlight it. Really grateful for the posts, I’ve calmed down :)

What is there that’s sad about it? You’re financially stable enough to buy a beautiful large home without a mans wage helping. That’s something to be pretty proud of.

Blatant jealousy on your ‘friends’ part. It’s actually jealously thrown in with a mean hurtful streak. You can’t see it because you’re feeling fragile but the rest of us can see it plain as day.

My advice: buy the beautiful home. Just don’t let on to her what you’re doing. Then have a TaDa moment once you’ve completed

@Funguy

I think that is quite a big house for someone who is single. I don't know why people are saying she is nasty. Not necessarily. I think you want us to say she is jealous.

Buy it if you want, up to you.

People are saying she is nasty because, instead of responding in a supportive way, she sent a load of laughing emojis, laughing at the OP, and telling her she couldn’t imagine her living there.

What kind of mean-spirited person does that to a friend, especially one who’s just been through a break-up?!

And besides, if someone has the means to purchase X-sized house, why on earth should they live in a smaller one? Just to ensure there’s no risk of 1 or 2 of their friends feeling hard done by, in comparison...?

Or is it something else? Ideas above their station maybe, that need to be knocked out of them, quick smart?

Hilarious.

I dont get the drive to relentlessly move up the property ladder. This may be a really unpopular view but I really believe you should only occupy the space you need. We are a small and in places over populated country. Four beds and two reception rooms for one person is just so excessive. And I bet it won't make you happy.

I was single at 35 after a bit break up and before I was 40 had met, married and had a child with a lovely man.
If you like the house and can afford the running costs then go for it.
Frankly although it might not seem like it... you are in a golden moment... take this time to have a proper think about what YOU want, from life, from a partner, from friends and then go for it.

@RevealAll

It’s not unpleasant.

The Op is not asking for advice on whether it’s a good idea to buy the house or not. She’s asking if people will see her as a joke if she does. Which is a bit odd given the Op is obviously worth a bit professionally.

The Op feels hurt that supportive friend is mocking her choices. She doesn’t understand. Yes friend may be jealous but there are alternatives. As the Op gave the scenario I‘m pointing them out.

I’m not “the friend”. But I do have a friend who is woe is me. It’s highly annoying when we rally round supportively ( physically, emotionally and financially) to find yet again she’s fine. She just likes portraying the idea she has it tough for some reason.

If you don't think 'Maybe the Op has a bit of an attention seeking issue' is an unpleasant thing to say about a complete stranger based on zero evidence, I'm glad I'm not your friend. I think you're projecting too much based on your own experiences.

Talk to her OP. I'd hate to think that a close friend of mine was stewing away on a comment or comments I made and also thought that they couldn't tell me, like I'm some sort of monster.

If she's admitted to being jealous of other friends in the past, she may just need a little prod to realise and admit that that is what's happening here too.

She shouldn’t have said it...but personally I struggle to understand extremely large houses (by comparison to number of occupants).

A large 4 bed for one person seems a bit...pointless/excessive to me. And the same to the pp who has seven bedrooms and just her and dh.

I mean, what on earth for? What do you do with all those empty rooms sitting there? Just...why?

Perhaps it’s just me being hard of thinking but I just don’t get it.

We’re a family of 5 and live in a 3 bed but with very high square footage. We have 3 huge bedrooms and large bathroom upstairs. Two living rooms, kitchen/breakfast room, dining room, wc, utility downstairs.

Even with 5 people, at least two of the downstairs rooms are largely unused at any one time. I can’t imagine having, say, another two or three receptions or bedrooms just for the sake of it. It would seem so wasteful.

The house sounds amazing. You can never have too much space.

Chances are you won't stay single forever and even if you are on your own for a bit there's nothing wrong with having a bigger house. You have space to entertain, a garden, more peace and quiet being detached. You don't get many detached 2 bed properties!