Friend’s comment about my new house/being single

[Litza]

I’m probably being over sensitive. Have NC.

I’m 35 and recently broke up with someone. It’s been shit. I’d love to settle down. I’ve lived in my current place for 6 years, a two bed terrace, on the market for 300. I’ve been looking to move anyway because I’ve been a bit bored of this place, first home that was bought when I had no money really and lower salary. Anyway, I’ve decided to move for a bigger garden and to relocate closer to family.

I’m looking at places more countryside way and often the houses are generally bigger and a bit more expensive. I looked at one the other day asking price 525, 4 bed, nice garden, couple of reception rooms and proper parking. It’s not a mansion but a substantial house.

She asked me to send her the link. I did. She sent numerous laughing faces back and said that I would be rambling around it that and she couldn’t imagine me in it.

I don’t know why this has upset me, probably because I feel sensitive about being alone again. But also now I feel conflicted...I have the money to spend and I am on almost double pay since when I took out this mortgage on this small two bed. I wanted to put the money into a new house and climb the ladder but I feel like maybe she’s right, is this going to make me feel lonelier? One the other hand, I don’t want to live in a two bed terrace forever when my life has moved on financially...I would like a utility room and a proper drive etc!

I know the market may crash etc but this isn’t about that it’s just about what she’s said...will I be seen as a joke buying somewhere bigger? I feel like her life is moving on as is everyone else’s but I’m sort of stuck now according to her. She’s such a close friend too and I feel hurt by her comments.

Good luck OP, you don’t need a “friend” like that.

Your 'friend' has a rigid mental picture of who you are and where you belong. That's in her head, and nothing to do with you at all.

Exactly this. I recently moved back to my home city, and, having grown up in a slum and done well through education, am buying a large (rather battered) Victorian house in a traditionally prestigious part of the city, mostly because it's within walking distance of DS's school and my workplace. My mother cannot get her head around this, and keeps showing me links to much smaller, semi-detached houses in distant working-class areas of the city which would represent a 'step up' from the one I grew up in.

In her head, I'm 'getting above myself', and she has no idea what to tell relatives, who (apparently) will expect me to stay in the areas she considers appropriate.

It's your friend's rigid ideas about what single people need/want/ should do, and is about as significant as Boys Don't Cry, Women Don't Go into Pubs On Their Own, Nice Girls Withold Sex Until There's a Ring On Their Finger etc.

Go and enjoy your house.

I bought my “forever” home when I was single and 35. Just could see myself being happy in it no matter what happened with men etc. And I think making my own v happy lovely home contributed to me finally meeting DP a year later. I’m pregnant with number two now. I do think having a pretty happy home made me feel different about things so DO IT. You deserve it. You sound lovely.

She followed it up by trying to convey concern.. like would I be lonely?

If you were lonely you would be lonely in a house of any size, enjoy your new home OP and feck the begrudgers.

I think you have to come back at her w bit, ie, Thanks mate for making me feel like a sad old spinster! I’m not planning on being on my own forever. I just really like the house. If I don’t like it I can sell it or fill it with sexy male lodgers! Anyway it’s only a stepping stone to my future mansion..

Seriously go and see it. See what your gut says. Don’t worry about what she said. I split from my ex at the same age and met my husband a year or so later. You’ve got a whole future ahead of you.

She sounds a teeny bit jealous to me ! Often someone you consider a friend who has been with you when you have a bad time ,seem to move away from you when you are getting back on top! I would ignore her and go for it!

Tbh I can see her point! I’m single and own a 2 bed semi. I could have afforded a bigger house (3 bed detached) but it seemed pointless and I decided I’d rather have a smaller mortgage. I worried that a larger house would seem too big and empty and I’d just have to spend more time cleaning. Plus more expensive to heat etc.

However, I do have a private driveway, a large garden, live in a nice, semi-rural area, and have fantastic, quiet neighbours. I love my house and feel it’s the perfect size for me. I wouldn’t move even if my income doubled!

But If you’re not happy with your house and feel it’s too small, you should definitely move. I just think a 4 bed detached might exacerbate any loneliness. Can you not look at 3 bed houses?

You sound sensible , strong and independent. Don't let your friend clip your wings. Find a place you love and enjoy it.

She is definitely jealous and not even bothering to hide it.

Buy the house you love. If you want to sock it back to her (and although I generally don't I would be more than tempted to here) text back airily that you can't wait for all that space, and you're sure you'll make use of all the rooms with a walk in wardrobe, a gym, an office etc but thanks for her concern anyway, it's very sweet of her to be so considerate of how you will utilise your dream home.

If she's been supportive in the past and regularly talks about money then yes, I'd say shes jealous. Congratulations so much OP and go for what you want and don't heed other people's opinions (and remember like your friend they're probably not th their opinions anyway, people take their own worries out on others) Huge hugs and well done

It's lovely having lots of space. Well done to you for being able to buy it.

Friends can get twitchy when they think that others are doing better than they are. It's her problem, not yours.

Against popular opinion here it sounds to me, from reading your updates, like she didn't really know the level of income you had or the spending power. It sounds like she reacted then tried to reel it back.

Maybe talk to her?

A larger house has got lots of plus points from the perspective of working at home and as an investment. The house won't seem too large once you have a home office and a dressing room. It's always good to have space for a lodger if you decide that you would like the company and/or rent.

I don't think you are a failure at all to have done so well that you can afford to trade up in terms of home size. Hoping this is the springboard to a new phase in your life.

I bought a 3 bedroom house at 31. I felt weirdly sheepish about it at the time. Now, six years on, one spare bedroom is my office as I went self employed and the other 'spare' bedroom has my DD sleeping in it (I decided to have a child on my own).

Even before having DD, it never felt too much space as I have people over quite a lot for dinner or to stay for the weekend.

It's a shame your friend said what she did but please don't give her misplaced comment, or any others that might come your way, any headspace. They are most likely to be borne out of jealousy or incomprehension that a mere female is able to afford such a house without the help of a man. Go for whatever size house you like! If I had 4 bedrooms to myself, I would have absolutely no problem putting them all to good use. I think there are many on here for whom the idea of living alone in their own home would be a dream come true. Give yourself a big pat on the back and enjoy the fruits of your labours.

Buy the bigger house and get a robot vacuum. You’ll be fine.

It’s what you wanted till your friend decided to pour cold water all over your enthusiasm. Don’t tell her anything and go for it.

I loved having a garden during lockdown. And we’re now looking for properties with bigger gardens as it’s so lovely to spend time outside in our own space.

If this is what you want, then anybody else’s reservations are just that, their own reservations. You want a bigger house near your family and you can afford it comfortably so go for it.

I can’t imagine how a friend would put such a dampener on a friends dreams when she knows you’ve had a hard time.

I actively encouraged my friend when she was moving into a bigger house. We went over and helped decorate it. She’s so happy there, her garden is huge and she’s really enjoying having the privacy and quiet she didn’t have in a flat.

Do it. You’ll be glad you did. It’s also a really good investment and a very good time to buy a house imo.

If she's always been supportive before now, I would assume her reaction reflects how she would feel if it was her. Maybe she personally wouldn't like living in a bigger house by herself?

If this is out of the ordinary and she's a good friend I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

BTW I was brought up with v little money and in an area with low house prices. I remember being a bit stunned and thinking some of DHs family were rich when I first met them at a party and one uncle was talking about buying a house - something along the lines of "its only up for £275k so I won't need a mortgage or anything"
I'd never come across money like that at the time and thought it was a lot more unusual than it actually is.

It sounds like a great opportunity for you to move to the house of your dreams , you sound incredibly successful being able to do that alone. I would be proud to have a friend like you. I agree with those who say that you're friend is jealous.

I also agree with @baublesandglitter and think it is more of a reflection on how your friend perceives things. She might not realise that she's jealous. If she mentions something like this again though I think you are going to have to tell her that this is hurtful and damaging to the friendship.

I think it would be weirder for someone not to be envious that a single 35 year old can buy a 525k house. Seems completely over the top and a bit of a stealth brag.

Buy the big house and enjoy all the space!

I agree with PPs that it sounds like a reflection on how she sees things, her perception of massive wealth, etc. rather than bitchy, jealous, unpleasant.

It sounds like she saw you and her as being on a fairly equal footing, and now suddenly realises that you're one of those "massively wealthy" people and it has completely knocked her for six.

Insecure, defensive about finances, maybe wonders if you've been secretly looking down on her all this time.

Go buy your fabulous house and enjoy it!

Thinking about it larger homes may be the future with more people working from home.

She sounds very jealous! Get your house and enjoy it

She sounds jealous.

Fwiw I live in a ridiculously big house and have “rooms to spare” all the space is utilised: you fill the space available and it’s wonderful!