HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

[Putmynewshoeson]

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

He sounds just fine to me. I can't imagine that mums with huge families, or even our grandmothers with no mod cons and a lot more manual stuff to do to run a house spent their days constantly entertaining children and yet everyone ended being able to talk, walk, wave hello, etc 🙄

Complain.

Stop seeing the health visitors. They just stress people out. Everything sounds great. Trust yourself, not strangers.

I feel upset on your behalf. HV came out to see my newborn son and all she could talk about what how bouncy and lively my 2 year old was and how he didnt seem to be able to sit still and focus on anything. It threw me into a complete meltdown, emotions were all over the place at that time anyway.

DS is 21 now, perfectly fine, but I will never forget that conversation. Good luck you sound like a lovely Mum.

@Putmynewshoeson DD never crawled. She didn’t bum shuffle either. Sweet F all until she was 13 months old and then within a week she pulled herself up and walked. By 2.5 she had the vocabulary of a 4 year old so not behind at all.

Please ignore your HV. She’s either fucked up and thought he was older or she’s crap at her job. I’d probably complain as I’m a cantankerous old cow now but I think I’d have felt crushed at the time when DD was that age.

Your DS sounds bloody perfect by all the babies I’ve seen. You just carry on and I’d be inclined to always be a little too busy (stimulating your DS’s progress of course ) to take the HV calls or visits from now on if I were you.

He sounds lovely, don’t worry about it.

My youngest DD didn’t speak much, and when she did some letters were pronounced incorrectly. My HV referred her for speech therapy. At the first appointment the lady was really talking down to her, and DD looked at me and sighed, rolling her eyes. We didn’t return. DD caught up in her own time, and by the time she started school her speech was perfect.

Your baby is not delayed

Pish, my son was "behind" right up until he left home. He has a university degree and is a professional fine artist.

My first baby - did baby sign, baby swimming lessons, baby groups.

My second baby (4 months when lockdown started) has a big brother, a bunch of toys and is allowed to range freely around the house.

The second one has probably hit milestones faster (copying the big one). Both are fine. As is your baby. You are doing PLENTY!

Oh this sort of thing makes me so cross! Support for new mums is woefully inadequate anyway, but when you get HVs like this thrown in it's an absolute disgrace. I mean, what are they actually FOR? Who trains them, what are they trained in, and how often? Mine were all hopeless too, OP, and never even bothered following up with me about their 'concerns' at DS's 9-12 month check. He's now 2, getting on beautifully at nursery, and completely fine. So it was all pointless, bureaucratic scaremongering.

Every parental stress I had with DS1 was caused by something a HV had said to me. With DS2 I gave them a wide berth and funnily enough, parenting has been a lot less stressful!

Your LO sounds fine and you sound like you're doing a great job.

Oh and "saying words"? The only explanation is that she's misread 9 months as 19 months.

He sounds pretty normal to me op. Dc2(9) had (diagnosed) delays at that age, he couldn't sit or roll, we had a lot of intervention & got him walking at 21 months but he still needed regular physio until he was 4. Compared to dc3(7) who crawled at 6 months & walked at 9 months. Dc1, 4 & 5 hit all their milestones somewhere between those ages. There is a wide range of 'normal'. Rolling both ways, sitting, showing readiness to crawl & engaging in 'conversation' & play all show that he's developing well & that you spend time with him. Try not to let her comments worry you, she really can't speak with too much authority given that the review took place over the telephone without her laying eyes on him.

My youngest was described as being behind with speech and mobility. His older sister did all the talking for him and he would point at a toy and she would get it for him. He is still a lazy boy but his wife doesn't let him get away with it now!

Honestly, your HV sounds bonkers/deluded. Your wee one sounds entirely normal - and doing very well, to me.

I've decided I agree with the ones who say she must have got confused and thought he was older

All children develop at different rates no matter how attentive a parent you are and the HV should know this. It was an insensitive remark to make. How does she know, “you’re not doing enough.” ? She isn’t there with you.
A friend of mine was once absolutely berated by medical and nursery staff as her boy wasn’t speaking at four years old. For three long years she had fought to get a referral to the hospital as she knew something must be wrong. She was a great mum I have to add and went over and above teaching her son sounds and words using everyday situations and books etc.
Finally they listened and he got the referral. Turned out there was a benign growth in his throat preventing him from speaking. Did she receive an apology for all the upset she had gone through as well as the accusations? NO!
However, she was glad when it was all sorted out and her son immediately spoke to her in sentences!
The moral of this story is the professionals aren’t always right whereas a mum’s gut instinct often is.
Your son sounds fine to me.

One of mine started wriggling about on his tummy at 9 months 3 weeks.
At 10 months 2 weeks 2 days he pushed up to sitting (from his side), crawled and pulled up to standing then cruised 5 steps along the sofa... 4 firsts, and all in a 45 minute period! I only know because we were looking through his baby book together yesterday.
According to your HV he would’ve gone from “behind” to “ahead” in under an hour! Within 3 weeks he was walking.
Plus none of my 4 ever went through the “gagaga” babbling phase, we were straight from an occasional sound to words (normally around 11-13 months in this house). They all talk plenty now (especially the 8yo!)
Your son sounds fine, and you sound a brilliant mum.

I really wish some HV would think before they open their mouth! I can’t complain about mine however she sounds just like my sisters and sent her into a spiralling panic ending up with anxiety over the fact her 9 month old didn’t get about on her own! Low and behold she was walking at about 15 months!

Put your mind at rest @Putmynewshoeson, if anyone is “behind” or “delayed” it’s the HV, not your little one!
Some babies never crawl, but simply start walking. As for saying words at nine months, she must have misread his date of birth.

You are doing a super job as a new Mum, don’t let this silly HV spoil all your joy and happiness with your little boy by making you worry and fret.

You're doing a great job, and your baby is on track. Ignore the nonsense.

Flipping Nora, to remain polite, I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure that everyone has been reassuring, but I'm SO glad that my now adult children were not born now, or in the UK, I would be terrified. Keep up the good work. To me you seem to be doing fine, little one too.
Keep up the good work, and chin up!

My second child never crawled -he was a bottom shuffler, didn’t walk until he was 16months and started talking two days before his second birthday. He’s 32years old, works as a tube train driver and certainly doesn’t seem to have been held back by his “late development” -she’s a peach your HV isn’t she!

That HV doesn't know what she's talking about. Ignore her. Ask for another.

My ds was trashing my kitchen at 9 months but he wasn't clapping or waving! He had more pressing matters, like ripping out and throwing the spinny thing in my dishwasher at the wall. I'm hoping it will help him be an engineer someday