HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

[Putmynewshoeson]

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

Yes and just remember the health visitor service is optional. If it's helpful to you use it but if it's only causing you added anxiety and worry then you don't have to see them

Your little boy sounds lovely .
Please , please just do what you’re doing and enjoy him .. this is precious time when he is so young.

Your HV sounds like an irresponsible incompetent unsupportive idiot .
Ignore her ...

My highly intelligent (!!!!) 15 yo didn’t crawl until she was 16 months ... she just didn’t “ get it “ ... she rolled on her side to get around . She walked at 12 months but couldn’t crawl 😂
Doesn’t seem to have held her back 😉

Those fucking ages and stages questionnaires. I hated them with a passion when ds was younger, and eventually refused to fill them out. They're based on a dataset from American babies for starters. America has a culture of daycare from a much younger age than we do in the UK.

DS never ever once did anything he should have been doing at the time he should. The health visitor kept on robbing me off saying that he was a boy, and he had his sister to do it all for him. Her answer to pretty much anything was go to a baby group, that I was being neurotic and he would eventually catch up in the end. No he wont. He's severely autistic and has just started a special school. We no longer live in the area but if I did I would love to tell her that.

All the activities you're doing with your lal lad sound perfect. Daily walks to the park, duck feeding, chatting to him all sound like perfect activities. And enjoy him while he's still plonk able. Once they're on the move there is absolutely no stopping them. And sod trying to thread cheerios on shoelaces- aren't most babies just going to want to eat them???

Ds2 didn't sit up til 7 months, crawl til he was one or walk til 15 months. Aged 13 he is really sporty and very bright. He was taking it all in. And was a very chubby bundle of squish!

I read your updateS OP and am glad the support you are getting here and your own research has shown you how misguided your HV was. When we have babies we are often told to trust our instincts, that as mums we know our own child better than anyone else but it can be hard to believe at first. You are experiencing this for the first time and your research is backing your first instinct that there is nothing wrong with your DS. He is doIng just fine and your HV (who didn’t even see him!) is a fearmongering box ticker

You say you will ring them on Monday whilst I empathise with your desire to have this highlighted and prevent another young parent being unnecessarily worried the way you were I doubt complaining will change anything. HV will continue to flag up the worst possible scenarios in any given situation because they are terrified of potentially getting into trouble for missing genuine issues. Sadly that need to cover their own back often takes precedence over their intended task of supportIng parents.
I hope by the time Monday arrives this will have faded to the back of your mind and you spend your time playing with your D.C. and being the excellent mum you so clearly are.

@Putmynewshoeson

Thank you all. I am a little anxious as you can probably tell, I've struggled being a first time mum in lockdown and my area has gone back into local lockdown

I think I'll call on Monday as they are closed now just to speak to someone else about the experience and to highlight that I wasn't given any support and just told to Google it. I've now looked up different checklists and am further confused because the crayon question seems to be part of the 12 month check and the putting something in a container or bottle part of the 24 month check so none of those seem to fit his age

Have a look at the 9 months questions. It states over there that All babies develop at different rates and in different ways. Please do not worry if your baby is not doing all any of the activities mentioned in the questionnaire. It is not a test. The activities are simply one way of understanding how your baby is progressing. www.iow.nhs.uk/Downloads/Health%20Visiting_School%20Nursing/9%20Month%20ASQ3.pdf

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the PP who says don't call on Monday. I definitely would. Even if the HV culture is to focus on the potential problems this woman's practice was seriously poor. It sounds like she has administered the wrong test carelessly over the phone and has been dismissive in her suggestions to 'just Google it'. That doesn't sound like she's overly worried about missing something. If she thinks she's just assessed a two-year old as not being able to sit up she should be advising OP to see her GP for a referral to physio, not telling her off and scaring her.

OP, as well as calling the team I would suggest you Google Healthwatch in your area. They take comments from the public on their experiences of health services.

Forget her and on the grounds of what she said, request to see paediatrician.

Then with a properly qualified proffesonal you will get a proper answer and you will have that weight behind you, if, the pead said nonsense.

Can I just get this straight please because it appears the world truly has gone mad. A HV rings you and asks questions including Can baby hold a crayon. On the basis of your answers she then tells you baby is behind and you are not doing enough.

I would avoid any further phone contact. Put the above in an email and ask for clarification.

Utter nonsense and at best a clerical error ie the wrong child.

My dd never moved until 13 months when she walked. I learnt the hard way how damaging negative feedback from HV can be. I refused to take my ds to HV as wasn’t putting myself in the negative situation again. As long as child is in company and stimulated they will develop at Their own rate. Please ignore what they said!

Definitely call and complain. Detail the exact conversation and explain how it made you feel. She is completely unprofessional and shouldn’t be able to make new mums feel this way. If she can’t do her job properly then she needs to be pulled up on it.

This is exactly why I’ve refused all health visitor checks. At my first visit 10 days after my baby was born my health visitor told me I’d let my baby down because I hadn’t persisted with trying to breastfeed him. At ds2s 8 week check a different one told me he wasn’t smiling because I wasn’t stimulating him enough (despite having seen me interact with him for the past 15 minutes we’d been there) and seemed to have a bee in her bonnet about my 18 month gap between my children. It was almost laughable. Everything I said was met with negativity. Like she asked me how ds1 had taken to his brother and I said really well he loves him and she shook her head and said how hard it must be for him. Then she told me the baby had gained too much weight and I must be over feeding him (despite her agreeing I was feeding him an appropriate amount of formula.) I really can’t be bothered with health visitors any more. I might not be a perfect mother but I am a competent one and I love and try my best for my children and I feel like every time I see a health visitor they go out of their way to find ways I’m doing things wrong.

It sounds to me like there is absolutely nothing wrong with your son or what you are doing. Ds1 crawled at 10 months, ds2 crawled at 8 months, they are so different. It wasn’t from lack of encouragement from me. Not sure how you can encourage a baby to crawl anyway. Don’t take her comments to heart.

HVs are absolutely dreadful. The ones who have kids of their own, and a lot do, are the worst.