HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

[Putmynewshoeson]

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

Your DS sounds perfect and so do you.

My first child never rolled, never crawled and didn't move til walking at 16 months, they're absolutely fine!

Please don't worry.

I think he sounds perfectly happy and developed for a 9 month old (I have a 5 y o and a 2.5 year old). I think that is utterly outrageous that a HV would suggest this kind of rubbish and make you feel insecure and frankly I'd complain.

She sounds like she needs retraining -
It's unacceptable to put that kind if pressure when the baby is 9 months old and suggest you are not doing enough !

Keep doing what you are doing !

Your health visitor is insane. He sounds totally normal.

My DD wasn't moving at all at 12 months, your HV would have had a fit ! She didn't walk until she was 20 months.

She's 12 now and completely fine (well apart from being really annoying at times, but that's the teens for you!!)

I wish some other mums would stop this competitive nonsense. The whole who crawled early, who spoke early, who breast fed, who composed a concerto as a baby....it means nothing when they get older honestly, you just cannot tell.

My middle one didn't talk until she was 2. Turned out she was spending the time thinking about how to stagger us with fully formed sentences and deep thoughts!

You and your son sound perfect. It's the HV who has a problem. Tell her to do more about being a sensible human being.

That sounds exactly like my eldest child at 9 months and he’s on the gifted register at school.

If just ignore your HV to be honest, my HV said my first born was delayed in speech she wanted us to see a speech therapist, he’s now 6 has an extensive vocabulary and is the top set. I really wouldn’t worry!

basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

I can't imagine a HV speaking this, way.

That is one very backward HV, I bet her mother is really worried about her delayed social development.

@TiggerDatter

My middle one didn't talk until she was 2. Turned out she was spending the time thinking about how to stagger us with fully formed sentences and deep thoughts!

You and your son sound perfect. It's the HV who has a problem. Tell her to do more about being a sensible human being.

@TiggerDatter that gives me hope! My 22 month old just refused to speak bar saying 'daaaa' or 'dissss', yet can point out literally hundreds of things in books and around her. I am fillt expecting the HV at her 2 year check to say she is miles behind. Maybe she will just turn around one day and decide to say them all! 😂

Like @BigFart I was also told one of mine was delayed by a HV, you wouldn't think so now, in fact he is doing brilliantly at school. I was also told one of my other children was behind in primary, I paid no attention at all (my mum was a teacher and told me to ignore it) and she is now at a grammar school... Honestly all children develop differently.

Your HV sounds like she would make a good Ofsted inspector, quite smug when telling you you're doing it wrong but no guidance as to what you should be doing! Go with your guts, having these developmental checks must be a new thing since mine were born in the late 70s, thank goodness!

I’ve worked with children professionally for over 20 years. They all develop differently as babies And young children. He will hit developmental stages when ready. You can’t force him to talk and crawl. You provide opportunities for play, for communication and lots of fun.

You sound like a lovely mum who is absolutely providing enough for her baby and more so having a very happy content developing baby too.

@SqidgeBum just don't let her speak on the phone please. I've had the misfortune to speak to toddlers like that once they realise they can talk....

He sounds fine to me. Unless she gave something specific she thinks he is behind on? When my DD had her 10 month check there was a tick list we filled in - did you have that, and if so, was there a cluster of things he couldn’t do yet e.g. scoring low in the fine motor section?

If you have concerns (which it doesn’t sound like you should) you can easily get month-by-month milestones to give an idea of what your baby is likely to be able to do, just have a quick google if you want to. Decide if there is an area you think he is behind in.

I suppose the only thing that might be slightly lacking compared to normal times will be seeing you conversing with other adults? I suppose that might affect speech development a bit, and I imagine you are doing less of that than you would normally be doing. But your description really doesn’t sound like he’s behind to me.

Sounds completely normal for a 9 mo!

Tell your HV he's not a Tamagotchi, you do plenty with him already and he'll develop at his own pace.

Actually don't say that, but maybe check in the child development book milestones section to see for yourself. I'll think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Sounds like you're already giving him everything he needs.

she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough

Was she quoting from her own performance review?

and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

If she is assessing babies and toddlers she might want to send herself on a refresher.

Two of mine never crawled, they went straight to walking between 11-13 months. The other two crawled but walked about 15 months. The idea that a healthy nine month old will "get behind" unless his monther is a full time performing variety artist is just ridiculous.

As others have said, HVs are not compulsory. I dispensed with mine after she gave me advice for DC1 which had my GP spitting. Kept clear of them for the subsequent DC other than for standard age checks.

I’d report the health visitor! X

Health visitors are the most pointless humans on the planet, I swear!

By my third child she was honestly lucky I even bothered. She was very nice but the whole thing is ridiculous.

And your one sounds completely batshit! Casting my mind back, at 9 months old they checked hearing, weight, and asked a few questions about engagement, making eye contact etc. It was grand. I barely listened. Walked out with a leaflet on how to keep a tiny human alive and stopped taking calls after that. If there even were any.

He was full of a cold for his three year check up and I didn't even bother rescheduling. By then he was in montessori so if there had been any problems they'd have been noticed by people who actually knew him. Namely me!

Are you a younger mum?

I ask because when I had mine I noticed that the HVs in general were pretty patronising to younger mums, talked over them, contradicted them when they recounted their own experiences and failed to listen to them well. At my twins’ two year check up, which was a group thing with about 9 other mums I had to step in and reiterate what one mother had told the HV About her GP’s advice as the HV just acted as though she hadn’t heard it and continued to suggest something at odds with it. And for another young mum when the HV told her That she really must do what the mum had just said she was doing. They seemed to have some very fixed ideas about how poor young mothers were and that it was their job to get them all mothering in a certain way regardless of whether they were already doing it or there were other circumstances. One did try something similar with me but I gave her an unimpressed look and she backtracked.

I don’t know if this was just the culture in the area of London I was in or if this prejudice is wide spread, but it’s possible you are a victim of a similar mindset int he HV. In any case, next time, if you want to have anything more to do with her, ask her to be more specific about what she’s actually concerned about, what she is expecting to see, what the range of normal development for that particular aspect is, and why she thinks his inability to meet it is down to your interaction With him, given that you already do x, y and z.

I personally wouldn't ignore her, as she may have a useful perspective (and it is hard to be unbiased with our own dc). I would get back in touch to ask for more details about where she thinks he is behind and what she is recommending would help.

The health visitor said she thought my son was deaf, cause she would call him and he wouldn't look up at the person calling him.

My son was stubborn, if he wasn't interested in you he didn't acknowledge your existence. He also never spoke words until he knew he coudl say them. He never got (and still hasn't got) the concept of practice makes perfect.

I dare say you know your child better than some person at the end of a telephone line.

Sounds perfect to me. My first didn't crawl or hold herself up until she was 12 months old and then went straight to first steps. Second was crawling at 7 months and walking at 9 months. Bloody awful honestly. She was a menace!
Your baby is doing well and you are giving them more than enough stimulation.

Oh good. Another health visitor bashing post.

Ah ignore her. Dd2 HV told me she was behind on one of her check ups because she couldn’t jump with both feet up

She is captain of her netball team now. Bloody idiots some of them.

The stupidest thing I ever seen was dd2 having to identify a bloody half drawn stick man. She lost a mark because she didn’t know what the fuck she was looking at. Ridiculous. And that was the last time I did the checks with any of my kids.

Jeez he’s fine!

Dd didn’t crawl till she was 13 months and even then it was a bum shuffle.

She walked at 18 months. Dead on 18 months. No cruising or pulling herself up. Literally just stood up and walked across the room and never stopped.

Ds crawled at 9 months and walked at 15 months. Lots of cruising before hand.

Honestly, every baby is different