HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

[Putmynewshoeson]

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

He sounds great, as do you.
I wouldn't worry from what you've said.

Even if he is behind developmentally that does not mean that you are not doing enough!
It is awful of her to suggest that any perceived delay must be down to you! I have children who were developmentally delayed and it turned out that they were both autistic which certainly explained their poor social skills and language. It is ridiculous and unprofessional to make these comments. I would complain about her. If she has concerns, she should be referring you to someone who can properly assess his skills. If she just wants to monitor, she should have told you exactly which aspects she was concerned about and arranged a follow up to see if there were still issues.

I'd complain. My dd didn't crawl until 12 months and paediatrician told me that was still within a normal timeframe

DS never crawled, nor did he shuffle. He walked in a baby Walker only then got up and walked at ten months and ten days.(first born, I can still remember 😀)

I don’t remember any words before 14 months either.

She sounds useless.

Fucking health visitors. Saying words by 9.5 months! How can she even comment without seeing your baby. Just ignore her and carry on doing what you're doing. On my first the feckers freaked me out, by my fifth I saw her once and told her I'd be in touch if there was a concern otherwise she should concentrate her time and resources on cases where there were genuine issues. Honestly your little boy sounds fine.

Please dont listen to a word the HV says. He sounds fine to me!

@StephenKong yes my DD and one of my nephews' both said clear words by 9 months old.

Just meant they got to the stage where they didn't/don't bloody shut up quicker.

Yes it was over the phone. She didn't actually say an age, but it was booked in as his nine month so maybe she did get mixed up?

Thanks to the poster who suggested some links that I could do with him, won't let me quote, I'll check them out. Yes, the other mum said he was behind but she is a bit obnoxious and has offended other mums saying similar to their children, so I wouldn't take her opinion into consideration now tbh. I'm not saying he isn't behind on anything, I just wish the HV had given me some suggestions as to what I can do instead of worrying me and saying google it!

Thanks for the posts and suggestions here though.

OP my 9 month sounds exact the same! He even hates rolling and is a bit lazier but he can clap although I think he learned that from his older brother.
I'm not worried at all and I would be so an u at any HV who would say those ridiculous things to me. He sounds absolutely fine!

He is NINE MONTHS OLD!

She is absolutely wrong to say his development is falling behind.No ifs or buts, - just totally wrong. He is well within all the normal parameters.

I would complain about her. She needs further training or a different job, as she clearly doesn't know much about babies. Everybody worries about their child's development, particularly first-time mothers. An idiot like her can cause a huge amount of unnecessary anxiety.

If she had concrete advice I would say follow up. Since she couldn't give you any details and pretty much everyone on this thread have said he seems fine from their experience I really wouldnt worry. Some HVs are good some are rubbish. One person I had (when we were talking about how gourgeous he was - he was about 6 weeks old) Said "Now you do have to prepare yourselves for the fact he will get darker when he's older." Which is a) obvious, b) racist (I don't need to prepare myself for having a dark skinned child. Its not a fault.)

He sounds fine to me.

Please don't take this the wrong way but you yourself sound a bit anxious. Do you think it could be that you are a bit anxious about milestones and all that (not that you should be but maybe because of that other mum's commments, or feeling a bit isolated due to covid) and either the HV responded to your worries, or you read something into what she said?

I can't help feeling if you had seen her in person, you woudl have got a mmore balanced view. If you told her all the things you were worried about, she might not think to question it and just confirm your anxieties, whereas if she saw him herself she might have realised he was fine and tried to set your mind at rest?

I think it might be helpful to get an opinion from someone who actually sees him, even if it's only over a videolink (it will be totally different from them just going on your verbal report which might be a bit biased by your worries), and/or try to go somewhere like a baby group so you can see a range of other babies his age - I think you will be reassured.

For what it's worth, he sounds fine to me, and I am pretty sure you can't teach a baby to talk, crawl or walk - they reach these milestones when they are naturally ready and that varies a lot between kids. It also bears minimal relation to how bright or atheletic they are in later life.

[quote RedRumTheHorse]@StephenKong yes my DD and one of my nephews' both said clear words by 9 months old.

Just meant they got to the stage where they didn't/don't bloody shut up quicker.[/quote]
Wow!

Sounds like the best thing you can do is withdraw from the health visitor services

I have never had a professional encounter with a HV who was not completely useless. They seem to exist just to bully, terrify and misinform inexperienced mums. I can remember one telling me that potatoes counted as one of my 5 a day. Another one said I ‘wasn’t the type’ to get PND. I was dumb enough to believe her so spent the best part of a year in an abyss.

Your baby sounds great. Remember milestones are just an average , for every child that meets them, there have to be others who are ahead of them and others who are behind. One of my D.C. never pulled themselves up on furniture or rolled over and she didn’t walk until she was 17 months old. There was no physical reason for it, I think she was just naturally very cautious. She’s now a qualified aerobics instructor and runs marathons.

OP, your HV doesn't sound very helpful. There is a 'normal' age by which most babies do things. But there is a huge margin around it. They're not machines. They are individuals. Some will have weaknesses in some areas and strengths in others.

My son threw a HV out as all she did was berate my DIL. Kids are happy intelligent 23 & 9 year olds. Pay it no mind.

That HV sounds like an incompetent fool who needs further training in child development. I think I’d complain.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum and well-engaged with your baby, so ignore her and other mums who make disparaging comments.

Babies and children all develop at their own rate - I have a friend whose DD started commando crawling, fast, at 4 months old. If I hadn’t seen it I’d have never have believed it. Another friend’s DS rolled and couldn’t sit up unaided for more than about 10 seconds until he was about 16 months, when he began to crawl. Walked at 23 months. Both children are healthy and thriving.

Health visitors... I have very few positive words to say about them. Over the years, I've never found them useful. They're fanfuckingdoobietastic at dolling out the angst and neurosis though. I think a certain amount of callousness is part of the job description.
You can go into see them about a breastfeeding issue and come out feeling certain you've got stage 4 breast cancer by the time they've made you over.
Sorry to rant.
Your boy sounds amazing and completely and utterly normal and happy! Ignore the HV! Like so many before her and so many who will come after her, she sounds like she hasn't a clue.

You ask what you can do? That’s easy! Ask for another HV!

Good grief. As if you haven’t got enough to deal with?

Please ignore these people. If he is happy please ignore these milestones. Babies develop at different stages/ages and he sounds perfect!

Please complain about her.

When DS was 9 months i was in the middle of the darkest fucking depression. I honest to god was planning to kill myself and if I’d have had some heartless bitch assess my son over the phone and tell me I wasn’t doing enough, I’d have probably driven myself off the road.

DS is nearly 4.5 now and he gave no fucks about crawling until he was around 10 months, didn’t bother trying to walk until he was gone 14 months and my (dozy, chocolate tea pot) HV referred him to SLT at 18 months because he didn’t have x number of words.

My DS never shuts up now, can cycle 10 miles without breaking a sweat, and is reading whole sentences in a language he hasn’t been exposed to since before lockdown as it’s not our home language but it is the one he is taught in.

You sound like a lovely mum and your DS sounds like a little cherub.

My son did not do sitting or crawling at 9 months - couldn't even prop him up. He almost slid out of the side of a rubbish high chair in a restaurant once.

Then over a couple of days, he did the whole lot and was flying round the house at the speed of light.