HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

[Putmynewshoeson]

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

Thank you so so much I've been sitting here feeling terrible. After I posted before I felt so much better and promised myself I wouldn't worry about his development because he's such a smiley engaged little boy and I genuinely didn't think there was anything to worry about but she made me feel terribke
she just keep going on about playing peek a boo so he learns to hide (!), But we play that all the time with hands and blankets and me hiding under the high chair while he's in it (my poor back!) And he just enjoys us hiding and revealing ourselves

She just keep saying you must engage and help him with his development. She asked how much I left him to play on his own and I said sometimes half an hour sometimes an hour but I'm always there talking to him or watching him or I pop in and play with him as I thought that was good for independent play and she said babies shouldn't be left alone too much (I'm literally in the same room)

Then she said it's of concern that sometimes he will flop back when sitting, but that's usually after 10-15 minutes when he's got bored or is tired or reaching for something

I just didn't know what to think as when I asked for resources on what I should be doing she said google it and there are apps

Oh and whilst you can bugger up development by neglectful care once you tick the comfort, care and responsive boxes - you have gone way beyond a tick - what you do doesn’t make much difference.

Bloody woman - what a way to encourage anxiety in a new mum. He sounds like he's doing loads and even if he was behind, these are developmental stages. The clue's in the name, babies do them when they reach that stage of development. There's nothing you can do to make your child be able to crawl or talk. You are doing loads to give him a chance to reach those stages and you're doing it all without the help of baby groups to give you a change of scenery. To be honest I would contact the team and complain about the vague and accusatory comments she gave. I wouldn't have when I was a new mum and had no confidence, but I would now. My son had actual developmental delays and the amount of general 'health professionals' who had no understanding that kids don't leap off the pages of a textbook really ground my gears.

He sounds lovely.

I wonder if she hasn't just got confused over the phone - misheard something, maybe? It must be really odd trying to do checks on a toddler you can't see. That's all I can think.

Also, sometimes ... just sometimes ... people get a fixed idea in their head and don't shift it. A mate of mine spent her entire first pregnancy being aggressively encouraged to give up smoking and ticked off for smoking too much ... turns out she'd ticked the box saying she didn't access help to quit services (because she'd never smoked), and therefore she was flagged up on the system as a recalcitrant smoker who wasn't trying to quit.

I'm just clutching straws really, but it could be there's something as bonkers as that that means she has got the wrong idea of your details here.

He should be walking and talking by now is that what she meant?! What else is he meant to be doing, did she say?

He’s nine months old! He sounds perfectly fine to me. I worried constantly that mine wasn’t going to meet the milestones, in the end my mum told me to stop googling,
trying to coax her and just enjoy my baby

You're doing all the right things and your HV sounds incompetent.

Sounds absolutely fine to me. If you’re concerned then do the ASQ yourself (google nhs 9months asq). Look for 9months asq score sheet to score it. At least then you’ll have an idea of what areas might be of concern. I’m guessing none!

Almost every child is in the “provide extra activities” zone for some areas of the score sheet. Very few are actually below the cutoff. I’m guessing your child is in the extra-activities zone for a few things, but the HV hasn’t worded it very well.

All three of mine have been in the extra activities zone for some things. All excelling at school now. No child is a perfect all rounder at 9mo.

He sounds perfectly normal to me, and we'll stimulated.

I would ask to speak to another HV and report this one! She is bonkers. 9 month olds do not walk and talk (99% of the time).

It sounds like you are a lovely attentive parent and “if” your child was behind (which I’m 99% certain he isn’t without even seeing him!) then it wouldn’t be your fault at all!

The more I think about this the more I agree with others who ask if she was confused. Did she read his DOB wrong or something? Does she think he's 9 years old?

I always think you have to nod along with the HV then carry on doing what you are doing. My HV told me that my second child was at risk of rickets at his 9mo check. She was extremely negative and I think a first time mum would have come out worried whereas because he was my second I was able to shrug it off and think what a plonker she was. Sometimes HV can be really helpful, others are as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Your DS sounds gorgeous. Neither of my boys crawled, both went straight to walking and they are fine.

Do you have many 'mum' friends or support?

Maybe she thought she was doing a 1 year check...

Did she actually say ‘you’re not doing enough’? Or is that your spin on what she said. A HV is more likely to say something like ‘there are things you can do to encourage crawling and speech’. Given this and your previous thread either you have had some unusually bad luck with two unusually tactless people or you are reinterpreting what they say as a criticism.

@ThePlantsitter

What were her exact words? It sounds very odd.

She hmmed a bit and said well he is behind in quite a few motor skills, he should at least be crawling and showing signs of pulling up.

Then she asked a lot of questions about the things he can do and seemed concerned about the fact he doesnt wave or clap or poke his tongue out even though I said he copies sounds and tries to blow raspberries when we do. She asked about his sitting and I said he can sit up fine on his own for a good while but then just focused on me saying he sometimes flops over after a bit

Sorry posted too soon. Then she asked what I was doing to help him and I described the things I've been doing and she said well you know you need to do more to help him develop or he will fall even further behind

He sounds like a lovely happy loved baby to me! Don't stress - they all develop at different speeds. Mine was a very early talker but a very late walker. Some babies never crawl - they roll/bum-shuffle and then go straight to cruising. I have not the faintest idea when mine started to wave or clap. I do remember that he was always far more interested in doing his own thing than in copying me. Keep doing what you're doing and enjoy him - he sounds delightful!

Wow. She did this via a telephone appointment? How can HV even make that pronouncement As a result of a phone call? When did HV last see your DS in person? He’s sounding epic to me!

Oh my goodness that's lunacy you are doing an amazing job what else could you be doing?! The fact that she couldn't give you any examples is proof.

I thought it was me being oversensitive too but I told my friend exactly what she said and she said she would take it the same way

I think I've been unlucky! Although obviously I've had lots of lovely mum's speak to me and a couple of nice health visitors too

She sounds nuts. Think about all those kids with 3 or 4 siblings, do you think their parents are constantly playing peekaboo? Cos I don't!

I would complain actually. I remember when DD2 was born and a paediatrician at the hospital telling me not to worry about her cold feet because she's tall. The health visitor kept telling me off about dd's cold feet and I really wish I'd just told her to shut up but instead I just nodded asking and accepted it. I think HVs are useful for catching actual neglect and serious development problems but really otherwise just ignore her.

FFS bloody HVs ...and I say that as an ex HV.

OP you sound like you are doing more than enough with your baby to stimulate him. How can she say he is behind when she hasn't even seen him?

Bonkers.

He's nine months, all babies are different and will develop different skills within a window of time. Nine months is very early to start saying he is behind.

Health visitors are by and large a total waste of space. When I had my first I went to a few of the clinics and all they ever did was scare new mums and make everyone feel like shit. By the time I had my second I just didn't bother with them at all.

This HV didn't even see your son, she had no clue what she was talking about. If she can't even give you any solid advice then what's the point in her going on about needing to do more? Just completely ignore her, your baby sounds lovely.

She sounds completely incompetent, to the point I would consider complaining about her if that's possible somehow. She could be causing serious emotional harm to a lot of people. Imagine if you were already struggling with serious PND, this could tip you over the edge.

Does she think he's nineTEEN months, rather than nine? Because he sounds as though he's doing just fine to me!

Children vary hugely. HUGELY. One of mine walked at ten months, another was well over year, but she was talking in sentences at an age when he could only say 'ba ba ba' and 'doggy'.

So her response to you asking what more you needed to do was to tell you to - basically - take time away from interacting and playing with your DS to google stuff that he's very unlikely to give a shit about because, like most babies, he'll probably be more interested in the cardboard inside of a loo roll than anything else in the world. Bizarre!