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Original poster

HV says DS is behind and I'm not doing enough...

263 replies

Putmynewshoeson · 25/09/2020 15:44

I'm a first time mum to a gorgeous nine month old. He's very engaged, laughs a lot and babbles, makes Baba and Mama sounds and does 'conversational' exchanges. He's trying to crawl (up on all fours and rocking backwards and forwards), can sit up unaided (unless he fancies flopping and rolling about), can roll both ways, can stand holding my hands although not cruising and drops to all fours to try and crawl as soon as he possibly can

He loves books, is engaged with toys and plays happily sitting on his playmat with various rattles and cups and things for ages. Doesn't stack yet or copy us so much (only with trying to blow raspberries) and doesn't wave or clap or point

I posted before because another mum worried me that he was behind and had some really reassuring responses but today I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop

I sing to him, he comes in the kitchen with me while I cook and I talk to him constantly. He plays with different toys on a playmat and in a play pen, we go on multiple walks a day to see the ducks, bang saucepans, I sit in the playpen with him and stack things up for him to knock down. He loves baby sensory on YouTube and nursery rhymes and baby club. He grins at other babies.

He goes in a bouncy chair and bouncer which he loves, can open and shut doors on his toys (no interest in opening cupboard doors though). I bathe him, play with him, read to him...play peek a boo, dance around with him...

I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing :( she didn't really give many details but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

It's really upset me as I thought he was doing ok and now I feel like I'm a bad mum who is affecting his development.

What else can I do? I've downloaded some apps but they all suggest things I'm already doing

OP posts:
musicposy · 25/09/2020 16:27

Then she said it's of concern that sometimes he will flop back when sitting, but that's usually after 10-15 minutes when he's got bored or is tired or reaching for something.

DD1 wasn’t sitting up at all at 9 months. I have a video of her with her little playmates of the same age and the rest were sitting; she just flopped over. Nor did she speak until nearly two, when it suddenly all came out in sentences.

She’s now grown up and works as a dancer and a dance teacher. I was similarly worried by the health visitor but the late sitting meant absolutely nothing. Your DS sounds perfect to me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/09/2020 16:28

Honestly I hear this so often, health visitors trying to scare or shame parents. Most recently my friend, at her ds 12 month check was told he was falling very behind and the health visitor was concerned because he couldn't thread a shoe lace through a fucking cheerio! And oy had 3 words.
Your ds sounds absolutely fine and I would be questioning the health visitor to what exactly she means by that, and what she would recommend. I bet she/he doesn't have many answers.

Justaboy · 25/09/2020 16:28

Next time you have the HV around put her through a few assement tests and see how she does;!

A LOT of this stuff is very subjective its not like doing a written exam!..

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Behaviour & development
Itsagrandoldteam · 25/09/2020 16:29

I think the only thing you need to change is your health visitor.
She must have read his age wrong, he sounds perfectly normal to me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/09/2020 16:29

I'm a childminder so I am around lots of children, and can honestly say that none of the babies I've looked after in the last 7 years have walked before a year old, except my own, but we are all unusually quick at walking.

KellyWithABigBelly · 25/09/2020 16:30

It sounds like you’re a really engaged mum, doing a fantastic job. Please don’t feel you’re a bad parent. All children develop at different rates.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 25/09/2020 16:30

@KnightsofColumbusThatHurt

She is talking total bollocks.
This. I’d request a different HV if I were you, seriously.
IckyPop · 25/09/2020 16:32

He sounds like his development is absolutely fine. My son was doing pretty much the same things at that age IIRC. He crawled at about 10.5 months, walked at about 16 months. Wasn't interested in standing until he was at least 1 year.
You sound like a lovely, loving, engaged and actively involved mum, providing lots of experiences and play opportunities.

Bluefishing · 25/09/2020 16:32

Please ignore the HV, you and baby sound great. Absolutely ridiculous HV. Forget about it and have a lovely weekend.

Happytobeme123 · 25/09/2020 16:33

He sounds like he's doing everything he should be; and you! Some health visitors are not helpful at all.

Butchyrestingface · 25/09/2020 16:34

basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words

Tell her you're teaching him to say fuck off, you dozy cow and offer to put hm on the phone to her.

IckyPop · 25/09/2020 16:35

Oh and independent sitting often comes with crawling as by then they have developed a stronger trunk control.

Nalanii · 25/09/2020 16:36

I’m a children’s OT and from what you’ve said he’s doing great and so are you. All sounds totally normal. Ignore her and ask for another HV.

Pebblexox · 25/09/2020 16:36

Ignore. Please ignore. He sounds rights on schedule. I have a 1 year old (21 months) who is delayed, quite severely and not once has anyone ever told me it was my fault for not doing enough!! I also know that none of it is my fault. Keep doing what you're doing, you are doing more than enough for him!

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 16:37

@Putmynewshoeson

www.publichealth.hscni.net/sites/default/files/2020-05/Chapter%204%20-%20A%20guide%20to%20your%20child%E2%80%99s%20growth%20and%20development%20104-123%20Birth%20to%20five%202020.pdf

This is chapter 4 (growth and development) of the NHS's Your Child: 0-5. Back when DS was little (and all mothers got given a hard-copy of this - I found it to be the only useful book I came across for the baby and toddler years, all the "commercial ones" were written with an axe to grind and an attitude of "my way or the high way"), the chart on page 5 of this pdf with the windows for normal development was one of the things I found most useful.

You'll be able to check what your DS can do against the windows shown. He sounds pretty spot on to me, as I said earlier. Sitting up is 6 to 8 months, trying to crawl and rocking is more or less the age he's at, babbling "mama, dada" any time from about 8 to 12 months, handling things (with varying degrees of sophistication) 6 to 9 months.

IckyPop · 25/09/2020 16:37

@Butchyrestingface

basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words

Tell her you're teaching him to say fuck off, you dozy cow and offer to put hm on the phone to her.

Grin this ^
ivykaty44 · 25/09/2020 16:37

Every child is different and will do things at different times, grow at different rates, etc etc. Its not a race.

Ask next time why he needs to be doing xy & z by this date/ and what does it prove/ They will not be able to explain as they are people who lead by books, tables and graphs and not their own thought.process.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 25/09/2020 16:38

This is why I didn’t bother with the HV post newborn stage. If you get a good one great but there’s some really odd ones out there.

He sounds like a very lucky and happy little boy. Please don’t worry.

She’d have hated me. DS never ever crawled, he was a bum shuffler through and through.

StephenKong · 25/09/2020 16:38

He sounds absolutely fine to me.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/09/2020 16:43

HV's aren't complusory (although I'm not sure if that applies everywhere). You can opt out and you can refuse the box-ticking.

This one sounds particularly bad, especially since she couldn't see either of you in person. At the very least I'd ask for another HV.

mosscarpet · 25/09/2020 16:44

op please dont worry he sounds like he is doing fine and you sound like you are doing brilliantly.
My ds "failed" his 2 yr assessment with the health visitor...because he couldn't draw a lion!! I kid you not. I was told he was delyaed, would struggle to catch up, I needed to do more, he may need extra help at school etc...Really upset me at the time. Turns out he was fine!
Fast forward 20 years and he has just grauated with a first class honours degree with a masters in computer science from Cambridge LOL Admitedly, he never was very good art, and probably still couldnt draw a lion if you asked him to !!

Bupkis · 25/09/2020 16:44

I had a nine month telephone check with our health visitor and she's told me he's behind and I'm not doing enough to stimulate him or help him develop*

but basically said I'm not doing enough and I need to work harder to get him saying words, crawling, pulling himself up and copying or he will get really behind

I think if she said these things to you, in this way, you should make a complaint about her.
I don't say that lightly.
She will be the first port of call for parents who have concerns, she will be someone who should sensitively flag up concerns if parents haven't noticed...and do this in a supportive way, providing information and resources and referring to the correct people.
I can't imagine how I would have dealt with someone like this when I had concerns about ds's development...fortunately we had an amazing, kind HV at the time.

ktp100 · 25/09/2020 16:44

I'd book an appointment with your GP and have a chat. Unfortunately there are some dreadful HVs with terrible advice. I've heard some shockers just amongst my friendship group.

Push for a second opinion, OP.

jessstan2 · 25/09/2020 16:45

Your baby sounds fine, absolutely great. I honestly don't know why people bother with health visitors, we don't need them! They seem to make stuff up as they go along.

Pay no attention, you're doing a great job and your baby is obviously happy. Remember - some babies never crawl, they just get up and walk one day. There's no one size fits all.

mosscarpet · 25/09/2020 16:45

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

HV's aren't complusory (although I'm not sure if that applies everywhere). You can opt out and you can refuse the box-ticking.

This one sounds particularly bad, especially since she couldn't see either of you in person. At the very least I'd ask for another HV.

yes, ds was my first child of 6. After child number 2 we declined all future assessments or HV involvelment!