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Original poster

I've potentially just ruined my life

243 replies

AnOverthinker · 15/09/2020 23:09

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 23:11

Are there other reasons for you feeling like this?

Prettybluepigeons · 15/09/2020 23:12

What else has happened to make you have doubts? 26 and 40 is a big gap but one you should have thought of before you had a child with him perhaps?

emptyshelvesagain · 15/09/2020 23:14

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane?

Absolutely ridiculous, yes, insane.

There is nothing wrong with your relationship that you have said but it's going to end because of internet stories. Bizarre. There are plenty of stories on the internet of relationships not working out where the partners are the same age too Confused

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Relationship problems
Original poster
AnOverthinker · 15/09/2020 23:14

Scared of being a carer/widow stupidly young. Scared of him getting too old for me to be happy with when I'm still young. Fear of the unknown I guess. I love him and want to be with him now. I'm happy with him now. He's a great dad and partner now. I just always chose not to think too far ahead. When I do I just panic blindly

OP posts:
TolpuddleFarter · 15/09/2020 23:18

I am in an age gap relationship.

I look at it this way. My DH is by far the best dad I know, so I know I have picked the right father for my children. He is a great husband, and he isn't giving me the run around (he hasn't got the energy Smile) I may end up a widow young, but I'd prefer to live a happy life now, and I'll live with any future consequences when I get to them.

BlueDream · 15/09/2020 23:18

But you could be with someone the same age and they could develop a life limiting disease or have an incapacitating accident.

Your DP could be fit and well up to 90.

Being with someone younger isn't a guarantee. I know a 32 year old recently diagnosed with MND, and I have a cousin with MS who is in a wheelchair in her 40s.

PicsInRed · 15/09/2020 23:18

Does he make you feel good about yourself? Do you feel your world is open with possibility with him in it - or is it closed down?

How does he deal with your concerns or with disagreements? Does he sulk? Do you share money?

How old is your child?

MerchantOfVenom · 15/09/2020 23:18

Gosh, I know you can’t exactly plan when to have your freak-outs. But surely it would’ve been more productive to do it before getting pregnant, instead of before getting married...

RainbowMum11 · 15/09/2020 23:18

That could happen with anyone.
My Mums husband had a stroke in his 50's, he was younger than her - it really doesn't guarantee anything in life.

kayakingmum · 15/09/2020 23:19

That was a really silly thing to do. My advice is to sincerely apologise. 14 years isn't a massive age gap at all (I'm happy with someone 19 years older and have 2 children together). No one knows what's going to happen in the future a person can die/get ill at any age. Equally Mr Perfect on Paper could end up being a cheater, be abusive, boring or something else that makes him wrong for you. If you have found someone that makes you happy don't throw the relationship away.

I hope you win him round.

UnprodigalDaughter · 15/09/2020 23:21

This is the same age gap as me and my dp. We weren't even together when I was your age. We met when I was 29, and we have two children. Of the problems that we face, the age gap hasn't been one of them. We've been together 12 years. No idea what other people make of it, because I don't date by committee...

Standrewsschool · 15/09/2020 23:21

You got together when you were 22? 14 years is a big age gap, but not uncommon, and when you’re 30, he’ll be 44, which seems closer in age.

Are you focusing on age, but subconsciously worried about something else? You’re 26, but been with an older man for four years,and already have a child. That’s a lot for someone your age. Are you feeling trapped by your future plans?

It’s okay to have doubts. If you want to stay with dp, explain what you have said in your op. Ie. You got sucked into a wormhole of age-gap disaster relationships. As someone upthread said, plenty of same-age relationships fail also.

Original poster
AnOverthinker · 15/09/2020 23:22

I get it can happen at any age but there's a much higher chance when you are with an older man. It felt like all day like everyone was against us. That the world must agree with the majority of mumsnet that he must be a sleazebag to want someone so much younger. That they'd question his intentions. That my family is something to be judged and is wrong. I chose to ignore my fears because I love him but when people highlight them it just gets too much for me.

OP posts:
gnushoes · 15/09/2020 23:26

The anti age gap thing is a new phenomenon - my kids bang on about it but I know of several happy and very lasting relationships with gaps like yours or larger. I have a friend in her early 60s with a husband who's maybe 76 and they remain very happy after 30 plus years. Don't worry.

JacobReesMogadishu · 15/09/2020 23:27

I have the same age gap with me and dh.....but we’re both 20 years older. I’ve never felt that people are judging us/him. I do fret a bit about being a young widow, nobody to enjoy retirement with, etc. He’s now working part time and thinking of retiring and I have another 20 years of work.

Hailtomyteeth · 15/09/2020 23:28

Bollocks. Is it fourteen years? That's nothing. You want out and this is your excuse. That's fine because you don't need a reason. Anyone would be a bit shaken if they'd just ended their relationship. Forge ahead with making the life you want.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/09/2020 23:29

I know someone with a bigger age gap than you and the wife (the younger one by 20 years) died before her husband had ever retired.

We don’t know what is going to happen in the future. If you have found someone you love it doesn’t matter what age you are.

I like others are wondering whether your subconscious is trying to tell you something

PurplePansy05 · 15/09/2020 23:31

OP, I suggest you get off MN/online fora as you're allowing your anxiety to spiral out of control.

Then sit down and write everything down. Your worries, pros and cons of your relationship. From what you're saying, not many cons, lots of pros and you have your anxiety which seems to be taking over.

Your worries are justified, but it's unreasonable to let them take over your rational thoughts. You need to work on that. Ground yourself, you have a good relationship, a child and a happy future together. You cannot control everything in life and there's never a guarantee things will work out well and you'll live happily and healthy till your diamond anniversary. No one lives with that sort of guarantee.

You need to learn grounding techniques, letting go and avoiding triggers that increase your anxiety.

You also need to speak to your DP openly and honestly and apologise for how you've expressed your worries and explain what you have really meant, which isn't unreasonable, but equally you're focusing too much on the worst case scenario and that's unfair on him and not good for anyone involved, including yourself.

WhenAWrenVisits · 15/09/2020 23:32

I think you’ve completely over reacted to a few comments on mumsnet. I’d apologise and tell him you needed to get that off your chest. Do you feel better now you’ve said it? What terrifies you so much about becoming a carer? You seem to be much more concerned about this than other people, even those in relationships with a big age gap. That’s what you need to get to the bottom of before you’ll feel better about this

CoolYourBeansMySon · 15/09/2020 23:36

Is there something else going on that is worrying you OP? I'm in my late 40s and my newish DP is 5 years older than me and I worry about the future, it's natural. But you must be worrying to have researched this so much.

The thing I would question is why he is so quick to say that's that rather than tell you he loves you or try to reassure you. That's more of a red flag to me than the age gap.

TheBeesKnee · 15/09/2020 23:39

To be frank OP, I don't know how you got this far. My DP is 7 years older than me and he's struggling with various everyday things already. It's going to get worse. I'm bemused but I'm experienced things now that he complained about 5 years ago, so he's kind of my canary in the mine.

Growing old together is romanticised, but bigger age gaps means that the younger person will end up caring for the older one.

You need to stop burying your head in the sand and make plans. Life insurance. Income protection. A solid network of friends in case you are widowed young. Look into his family history, what's the health and lifespan like?

Has he "fathered" you thus far and made the decisions? It's very odd that it's all dawning on you now, but no one can suppress their feelings forever.

Cissyandflora · 15/09/2020 23:39

Bloody hell- he’s only 40. The age gap isn’t that big. But also why have you only just thought of this? Will you tell your child that you left his dad because dad was too old and you didn’t want to be left alone if he died? And will you find a new younger dad for him?

ExclamationPerfume · 15/09/2020 23:40

Age is just a number. There are 13 years between DH and me. Together 24 years now. Married with two children. Think long and hard before you throw a good relationship away.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 15/09/2020 23:40

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CorianderLord · 15/09/2020 23:41

Or you could leave him and never find love again. 14 years isn't that much difference. Was very common a few years ago.

Don't throw your family away and get some help for your anxiety

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