I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

It sounds like you have bad anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Why are you off your medication?

I'm 26 and my husband is 41. Sure I worry about when we are 'older' and being on my own but then I think I could be with someone my age and one of us could get run over by a bus tomorrow and then one of us would be on our own making the age gap irrelevant.

I think you apologise to him and ask him for support with your anxiety. You've become fixated on the age thing and it's irrational. I used to have a friend who said that I shouldn't see my mum every day because when she dies it will be harder! That was 30 years ago, my mum was only in her 40s and is still alive.

I wouldn't leave him because of age. You love each other and have a child together. Continue to enjoy your life and stop listening to negative strangers on the internet.

For reasons that are not fully understood, trying to sabotage your relationships is common in conditions like PND and PMDD. If you are depressed due to hormonal triggers, please explain that this may be a SYMPTOM to your partner because the feeling to attack and push people away can be overwhelming so it the people around you understand it will eventually pass.
Also please go straight back to your doctor if you feel out of control of your thoughts or actions, like your doing or saying things you don't want to or feel like you're going to 'ruin your life'.

I hope your feeling OK OP.

You have a child with him, you can't just now decide the age gap doesnt work for you. Go and talk to him. It's ridiculous to break up over this this far along. I was going to say break up fine because of fiance anf 4 years but then you mentioned you had a child with him, too. That changes everything.
There are women who get on with men their age or younger and the men end up dying or cheating. Maybe have a break from mumsnet or social media as you sound like i was years ago in a sensitive period where things can feel pretty shakey and easily triggered by thoughtless commentaries online. I realise the irony...

Please get yourself some medical help in the morning

If the age gap is genuinely the only issue then you’re going to be alone now, when you could be very happy together, because you’re worried about potentially being alone later on in life.

I get that the thought of being a carer is worrrying you but life is so unpredictable that this could happen with anyone. Is it the thought of being a carer in general or the thought of caring for him specifically? That may answer your question about whether the age gap is the only issue.

The things you are worrying about could happen to anyone even in a similar age relationship.

People get sick at young ages all the time, my Grandfather developed Alzheimers at about 50 and passed away in his 70's after a long, long period of time spent in aged care. My Grandma is 95 and has spent the last 25 years alone because he was the love of her life and she never wanted anyone else.

If you love him then yes you are a fool to throw that all away. If there are other issues and you are using this as your reason to end it then you need to address those issues and decide if they are deal breakers and if they can be fixed or if you even want to try and work them out.

My former partner was the same age as me and was killed in an accident aged 32. In my current relationship I am older than my husband by ten years. There are no guarantees in life. Just follow your heart. If you love him and want to be with him that's all that matters.

I don't know what the issue is. Personally I don't think it's a HUGE age gap. Just enjoy your life together!

OP - I don’t think the problem is the age gap but the deeply hurtful things you said to him. If that really is the way you feel, I am nit sure there is any come back from that.

And being swayed / having views shaped by Mumsnet threads and / or google - well, I think you need to step away from. The internet for a bit

You are not insane. Why was a man in his late 30s getting involved with such a young woman? You haven't had a chance to experience so much of life. And yes, there is definitely a huge chance you could end up as a carer. YOu aren't crazy to question it. It's a large age gap.

Age difference is the least of your problems. You already have a child with this man and there are a lot of issues that you choose to ignore.

@AnOverthinker - you have a child with this man. It’s far too late to be wondering if the age gap might be a problem in the future. What would you have thought of your mother if she had left your father and told you the only reason for having done so was that she was worried she would have to be his carer one day? It’s not as if you ever can completely cut the father of your child out of your life, anyway, so why on earth do it at a time when you are both happy together?

You are 26. Why take a chance on your life? You are too young to be with someone that older than you.

I think ultimately you need to tune out all the "noise" online and tune into what you want and feel. What other people think is not relevant.

Im 30, my dh is 44. We have three sons together. It's really not that unusual now. We got together just before I turned 19, celebrated 12 years together earlier this month. I never really think that far ahead. I'm happy with my lot and it sounds like you are/were too. If I became disabled he would look after me and I would look after him. You're a family regardless of age gaps. Is there anything other than his age that isn't sitting right with you?

You met him when you were very young (21/22) at the most, and he was already middle aged having already enjoyed his youth, to me that is a big difference in terms of maturity and age.

Fourteen years IS a big age gap, and particularly when you are a young adult. There is much more to your story op, and it is causing you some deep rooted problems.

The fact you feel you have to lie about his age, cover up and pretend things are different is very telling. Are you equal in your relationship? Does he respect you? Are you living a full life, or an add on to his?

You may find he becomes very boring and old, and you will still be young and full of life, you may have different interests and energy levels. His friends are not likely to interest you very much, and vica versa. All of this can be overcome if he is right for you in every other way.

I sense there is much more to this story, and you are not panicking at the thought of incontinence pads but a youth that has been sacrificed perhaps?

Go back to your doctor and seek help for your anxiety.

Get back on your PND meds

Ask your DP to support you through the PND experience. It seems to me he was a bit quick to throw in the towel, maybe because he doesn't realize how much you are affected by the MH problems you are currently going through.

Ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist to talk about the way you are not fully owning your choice and your life.

There are 10 years between me and DH. That has been ok until he has retired and I’m still working, I want to go to gigs but he wants to watch Countdown and have an afternoon nap.
The age difference is showing now. He is turning into his father in front of my eyes 😱

Men choose younger women for a reason, especially teens/early 20s. Easy to mould women who don't know any different.

Anyway, you chose to have a child so this man is going to be in your life forever. Not much point worrying about it now.
On the other hand, you are 26. Young. A breakup hardly has the effect of ruining your life. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you.

I did not say it was. OP asked if it would be insane to end it based on random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? which is what I said 'absolutely ridiculous, yes, insane'

I did not make a single comment about the age gap and carer issue. Not a single one.

I think this is semantics really. She is worried about very specific things that people are saying, and most of them are valid concerns for her to have. She says that these are things she was already worried about, so it's not like the idea has been put into her head from outside. Language like "insane", "ridiculous" and "bizarre" is not helpful or kind when her concerns are valid and I stand by my comment that it's gaslighting to question a woman's sanity when she's voicing valid concerns.