I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Oh god, never mind if that's what's happening...

OP, you're talking like your choices are a) leave today while you're otherwise happy together or B) stay forever even if you become unhappy. Obviously you don't have any control over being widowed, but if you reach a stage in your life where the age gap becomes a problem - you stop fancying him or don't want to be a carer etc - you can always leave then. Maybe that sounds callous but you don't have to stick around forever if your situation changes. Men often think nothing of leaving their wife's when they start looking too old or need caring for. You don't have to leave right now or else commit yourself to 50 years worth of "what if" scenarios. You can stay until one of those "what ifs" becomes a reality, and then make the choice to stay or leave. Or stay until you become unhappy for whatever reason. Or even if you aren't unhappy but just want to be single. You can leave any time for any reason, marriage contract or not. You don't have to make this decision today.

Scared of being a carer/widow stupidly young. Scared of him getting too old for me to be happy with when I'm still young. Fear of the unknown I guess.

These aren’t trivial concerns. Some people are fine with it but you are worried about that scenario and it’s not super unlikely. Age gaps are correlated with higher divorce rates and the reality of the issues you re concerned about is a part of that. That’s not to say many people don’t have great marriages with age gaps, but it’s disingenuous to pretend it doesn’t add it’s own set of stresses.

I don’t think you’ve “ruined your life” because of “random people on the Internet”. You are letting your ideas, expectation and fears about your long term happiness override your immediate happiness. Maybe you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t been reminded of them, but they are there anyway. You’ll possibly vacillate between wanting to stay and not wanting to tie yourself to this future. That’s because they both have good cases. If you decide you should stay, he may be prepared to take you back, though he may think there’s no way past it.

In any case, leaving now isn’t ruining your life. At 26 you have plenty of scope to chart a new course.

It's not the same poster as the other thread!! She said she read the other thread and saw lots of people being weird about the age gap and it sent her Into a spiral about her own age gap relationship.

OP we have a 13year age gap and have been together 19 years now and three DC it's literally never been an issue so far and I'm not worried it will be.

He's fitter than many of my friends Hs years younger though so depends on the individuals.

I'm 42 and he's nearly 56.

No one knows what awaits them in life. Accidents and illness can happen to any of us at any time, regardless of age. Even if you have a partner younger than yourself you could end up widowed at an early age or having to care for him physically ... life is a lottery.

Would you really split from a man who has all the qualities you are looking for because of comments from random strangers? Do you think that would make you happier long-term than the actual happiness you have with him now?

I haven’t read your previous threads, but if you were only 22 when you got together, I wonder whether it’s a case of having more life experience now and realizing that you don’t actually want this relationship anymore (rather than just the age gap)? Yes, there are considerations as you both get older ( and you’ve been given good advice on preparing for those), but if you were really happy with him, they wouldn’t matter.

Thetes a 20 year age gap between DH and I. I would rather have as many happy years together with him and my family as I can than have many miserable years alone without him. My husband us much older than your partner and I'm sure my children epild also much prefer to spend their time with the dad they love. No one knows what gould happen to any of us. We have uk embrace the things that are important to us and seize them. You could end up never meeting anyone else and spending the rest of your life alone. I'd rather take the gamble. Your partner is still very young so these things are unlikely to be relevant for a very long time unless its something else thats also bothering you?

My PILs have a 13 year age gap. She is in her late sixties nursing her husband who has dementia and barely recognises her. She should be having the time of her life having just retired with lots of friends. Instead she is stuck at home all day being a carer without respite. It is waiting for death.

Absolutely ridiculous, yes, insane.

It's not at all ridiculous or insane to be worried about the prospect of becoming a carer to an elderly spouse in your 60's or becoming a young(ish) widow. These kinds of dismissive and unkind comments aren't really helpful.

Being truthful, OP, yes there is a greater chance of you being widowed relatively young or your spouse requiring old-age related care while you are still relatively young yourself if you have a significant age gap and are the younger partner. That's just a fact. I don't really know why people always counter things like this with "but anyone could get hit by a bus/some people die young/some people live to be 110". Those people are exceptions to the norm and we have to consider probability in our decision making, not statistical outliers. It's not helpful to pretend that OP's concerns aren't real and actually it's a bit gaslight-y to say she's "insane" for being concerned.

HOWEVER there are lots of other things to weigh up. If you love your partner deeply, he makes you truly happy and you are supported and fulfilled in the relationship then don't throw it away too quickly. That's not such an easy thing to find. Yes there is (potentially) a price to pay in later years, but maybe that's worth it to be blissfully happy for the next 30-40+ years. It would be a terrible shame to throw away a great relationship because you're afraid of what the future may hold, and instead spend your life alone (assuming you want to be with a partner) or in a relationship with a similarly aged partner who doesn't fulfill you.

You are being melodramatic in ending your relationship because of a bunch of random on the Internet.

He is 40, that's 14 years its hardly like he is already in his 60's. I married a man 23 years older than myself 10 years ago (on the 25th sept) we are now divorced but that had nothing whatsoever to do with age. He had major issues after his first wife cheated which escalated after we married and he became abusive and controlling. That was nothing to do with age and everything to do with him being a jealous insecure prick.

My current dp is 13 years older than me. He is 53 in a few months and I have just turned 40. He is way more active that I am. I rarely notice the age thing to be honest. Even if he got 'old before you. Chances are you will be in your 50's so hardly a young kid. I genuinely think you need to grow up and stop making life decisions based on mumsnet posts.

Ask yourself these questions
Do you love him
Is he good to you
Is he a good dad
Do you enjoy the same things

If the answer is yes then his age is not your problem

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane?

Well you’re certainly insane for asking more random people on the internet what they think.

@blueshoes. Yes, I knew someone in a similar situation. Her 60’s were difficult and then she developed cancer and died. Her DH didn’t understand that she was terminally ill and I’m not sure even now that he understands that she’s died. it was awful for their adult DC- but they still had lovely parents. So, it’s not “ insane” to consider these things, but as @IWantT0BreakFree says, throwing away a great relationship isn’t a good idea either.

Ask yourself these questions
Do you love him
Is he good to you
Is he a good dad
Do you enjoy the same things

If the answer is yes then his age is not your problem

None of these things have any bearing on whether or not his age is the OP’s problem or not. IF the answer were “no” then age would have less bearing because she should leave anyway, but the OP’s concerns aren’t trivial. Your own tale talks about your current DP being 53 and more active than you then goes on to tell the OP that if she ends up a carer in her 50s it won’t matter because she won’t be that young anyway. Telling the OP to grow up when she is actually thinking about her whole life instead of the now is laughable. This is an atrocious way to talk to someone with concerns about her future.

It's not at all ridiculous or insane to be worried about the prospect of becoming a carer to an elderly spouse in your 60's or becoming a young(ish) widow. These kinds of dismissive and unkind comments aren't really helpful.

I did not say it was. OP asked if it would be insane to end it based on random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? which is what I said 'absolutely ridiculous, yes, insane'

I did not make a single comment about the age gap and carer issue. Not a single one.