I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Sorry the above was for @IWantT0BreakFree

You're being very silly. 14 years isn't a very big age gap. My grandparents had that exact age gap, they were married for over 50 years. My granddad lived until he was 91, he was very strong and healthy until the day he died of an aneurysm.

Love s a wonderful thing..Other peoples judgements should not be in your thoughts. You alone need to decide if you love him and want to stay. Why should age be a deal breaker? Get to basics in your own mind and not depend on other peoples’ mindsets

If you are not that poster, then that other thread has nothing to do with you

Agreed, and if you are the problem isn't the age difference.

Regardless, no randoms behind a computer screen should have this much influence on your life choices. Is it that you want to leave but want an excuse? You don't need one. Wanting to leave, if that's what you want, is enough.

Mumsnet isn't real life.

Big age gaps work, do not end the relationship over something you read online.

I think you want out of the relationship, and that’s why you sought out and pay attention to the stories about age gap relationships not working. There are plenty of positive stories, like on this thread, but they don’t resonate so much with you.

It’s also coming across that though you want to end it, you don’t want to take responsibility for that decision, that’s why you’re blaming ‘the internet’.

Scared of being a carer/widow stupidly young. Scared of him getting too old for me to be happy with when I'm still young.

MIL became a widow at 68 after having been a carer for FIL for about 5 years.

You never know the future, if everything else is great now, no point worrying about what may or may not be.

Should add, FIL was 68 when he died too.

Age is just a number. Ask yourself if you truly love him. If yes then you have your answer. Sadly there are no guarantees in life. My husband was 58 when he died. I was heartbroken but because of the wonderful man he was I would do it all over again. Trust your heart and it does not matter what other people think. Good luck.

Put it into perspective that 14 years isn’t that much of a gap, the reality is when you’re 40 he’s going to be mid 50s that’s really not much of an age gap at all. I know lots of people that have age gaps similar and they’re the most happy and content couples I know. I think there’s more than meets the eye and this is maybe what you feel the problem is but if you’ve been together for sometime it won’t be. If you’re not happy than you shouldn’t stay but I think the thing would be to find out what the true reason is so you don’t carry it into another relationship.

If you love him be happy. My parents had the same age gape. Everyone teased my mother that she would be his carer. Guess what she,so much younger then him got ill. And he took care of her until she died.

My Dad was 14 years older than my Mum he looked after her when she was ill. I have 2 friends that married men much older one 24 years he is now dead, the other 17 years older he is still youthful and healthy. If you really love someone age is not a barrier enjoy the time together there is no order to who will go first, or how long any relationship will last.

my late husband was 18 years older than me, i lost him when i was 39 and he was 57, i had been his carer for 7 years, we had one son, i loved him so much and he was my soul mate and best friend, i am now 58 and i have no regrets, if you love someone then age does not matter

What’s your financial situation likely to be?
Given that the retirement age for women is late 60s your husband would be over 80 when you retire?

OP my second marridge was a 20 year age gap! we had two lovely children and now grandchildren and it lasted *21 blinking years! we got diviorced for reason other than age! Worked fine and we're still friends!

• Average UK marridge according to the office of national stastics is 11.4 years when i looked last!

@RobertSmithsWig

It's not the same poster as the other thread!! She said she read the other thread and saw lots of people being weird about the age gap and it sent her Into a spiral about her own age gap relationship.

Yes exactly this

Ok. Not the same poster. Great. Do you are ending your relationship based on advice given to someone who's situation is absolutely nothing like your own

The positive stories do help, I'm not trying to be irrational. Ive never accepted the age gap, more ignored it, hidden it from friends, lied about his age to colleagues, for fear of their opinions. I think maybe I need to work on truly accepting it or this will keep happening every time I'm reminded. I suffer badly from anxiety and I have post natal depression which I'm currently off my meds for so I know it may be playing a part. I just feel very unstable today. Thank you for the shake. I will try and do damage control

I haven’t rtft.

I got together with my now wife when I was 26 and she was 17. Were a lot older now :)

I’m now middle aged but work out regularly and hard and am very fit. Because of that and living a clean life style, I have no health issue. I’m not anticipating any. I expect and hope to live into my 80’s and 90’s in the same frame of mind. She’ll be in her 70’s and 80’s.

With that mentality, I think a 14 year age gap is survivable. If your partner was soft and unfit, he might be starting to suffer health effects in the next decade which would be problematic.

What I’m saying is how you live your life is far More importantly than just the raw number of age. Consider reading "the Lazarus strategy" by Dr Norman Lazarus.

@AnOverthinker I read the other thread. You need to cool it and stop over-identifying with that OP. Posters were not advising her to ltb because of an age gap but because he had secret (adult) children, two other DC and had had a vasectomy even though she wanted kids. Nothing to do with his age. Your situation is nothing like that.

I wonder what’s really going on, because you have massively disproportionately overreacted.

@AnOverthinker cross posted. I see. You have PND and are off your meds. please call your GP tomorrow morning and get some support. You are catastrophising. It’s a symptom of your illness. You will get better but you need help. Please ask for it.
Good luck.