I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Look into self esteem courses to enable you to make your own decisions.

@Teateaandmoretea

In the nicest possible way OP you are past the point of frivolous reasons for ending a relationship - you have a child together.

If you love each other, have a good relationship and are happy why on earth would you split up just because some random on the internet had a different experience. If you’d been on a couple of dates then fair enough rethink but this is madness. Unless there is something you aren’t telling us - in which case you have a right to leave at anytime.

No one knows what the future holds, live for the moment.

I missed that you have a child! You can't end the relationship for an age gap when you have children.

OP, you have every right to have some worries about the issues you've listed, but you're overthinking and worry too much because of where you are right now. Your PND and anxiety is speaking louder than you are, from what you wrote now I think I was on the right track in my first post. You need to tell him you are off your meds, it's vital to understand how anxious these comments you've read have made you feel. It's not your fault. But please be honest with him and please contact your Dr asap, you need a bit more time to get back to balance and you should ask for more meds to see you through, IMO. It will be OK, just be patient and kind with yourself and remind yourself that making big decisions and having big conversations when you know you're not feeling yourself just yet and that your perception might be temporarily blurred because of the lense of your PND and anxiety right now isn't the best idea going forward. Talk to him openly now, I'm sure he'll be supportive when he understands the full picture. Going forward, look after yourself well and keep discussing things calmly together, all the best.

Sorry wrong thread

Live this imperfect life, be happy to know that the thing some dicks might judge you for is actually the thing that makes you happy, so they are wrong. Tell your dh that he better keep fit and healthy or you'll be off. Love your child and apologise to your partner.
But if you ever want to leave him because YOU are not happy (NOT just catastrophising, predicting the future or feeling fear of judgement or uncertainty), then sure, leave.

I haven’t read all the posts but have read the OP’s posts.

TBH, I think the fact that you lie to your colleagues about his age rings alarm bells. I think that given you have a child together it’s not as simple as just deciding to leave because you were told by someone on the internet that the age gap is wrong, but the fact you lie to people about it indicates that you already believed it was wrong and this has just cemented your belief.

If someone posted on here that there was an age gap between them and their partner and their partner lied to people about it through embarrassment they would be told that they should be the one to leave.

I do think there are often valid concerns about big age gaps, although I don’t believe a 40 year old seeing a 26 year old is necessarily a sleaze, But if you chose to be with this man, chose to have a child with him, then you can hardly blame him for walking away when you throw it in his face.

You do realise you could go out today, get hit by a bus and end up either dead or with life changing injuries, get cancer, anything.

How would you feel if your partner said if anything happens to you, I’ll have to leave you.
Did you not realise there was an age gap, perhaps before you had a child.
Why do you care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think? Don’t you have your own mind?
If you get a new younger man, are you going to make him undergo a full medical assessment, just in case he could get sick...
“That the world must agree with the majority of mumsnet that he must be a sleazebag to want someone so much younger. That they'd question his intentions”. There’s a lot of bitterness and man hatred on here in case you haven’t noticed.
Personally I don’t think it’s that big of an age gap... Clearly you do, so you need to make a very important decision as to whether you love him, want to be with him.
If I was him, I’d be having doubts about my younger girlfriend and would probably end the relationship.

No way have you ruined your life by verbalising genuine concerns. Hold strong. Trust your inner voice. If he were marrying a 54 year old, he would have some concerns. You are entitled to your thoughts.
Do not ever be persuaded that your thoughts are wrong.
Ive ruined my life a good few times and yet here i am at 50, feeling in a good place.

I have a friend who was a year older than her DH (as I am) - she nursed him through cancer for many years then was a widow at 51.

DH has a relative who met her future husband at 6th form - he was her teacher (this was many years ago). Married after she finished uni, they are now mid 60s and early 70s (8/9yr gap), he retired from main job in late 50s but started working PT in a related role. He carried on doing that even when she retired in mid fifties. They are both fit and healthy and have done loads of travelling in recent years. Yes she is likely to outlive him, maybe become his carer, but maybe not!

My uncle is about 8 yrs older than my auntie, still going strong at nearly 80 and 88.

Not all men in their 70s are old and cranky like a pp said! All our male relatives (4 in total) between 70 and 80 are still very active and no sign of any crankiness! Yes they have some health issues appearing, but those can happen at any age.

How incredibly shallow of you.

If you were completely happy and secure in your relationship I very much doubt that just a thread on Mumsnet would change that.
You must have had some concerns before and from your previous posts it sounds like the age gap is only part of the issue.

You say little about your relationship and feelings for him. Seems unlikely you’d end it ‘because of the age gap’ if you were happy with him. So assume there are also other reasons too - but even if not, it’s fine to end a relationship you no longer want to be in for any reason.

Would focus on your plans for your finances, paid work, housing, childcare, co-parenting etc.

You wouldnt have reacted to randomers online if those werent yr concerns too.

Nobody could make you stay up all night googling kleptomania or histrionic personality disorder or being the lost child. Yswim.

Ive never googled anything obsessively unless i needed to know more.
Trust yrslf.

You alright had a child together. That’s the biggest commitment you can make to another person. Marriage and all the other stuff is just niceties and legalities.

Not ‘shallow’ to want to end a relationship.

I agree with dozer. Focus on independence and childcare and adjustment to change now.
If it was absolutely right you could overlook the age gap, but you sense it's not worth the age gap so you are pinning that short change you cant define on the age gap.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You alright had a child together. That’s the biggest commitment you can make to another person. Marriage and all the other stuff is just niceties and legalities.

Not for men though hey, so many not meeting their parental responsivilities. Mothers are allowed to make a mistake and many many many do. So, not sure what your post is implying, that OP made her bed and has to lie in it?? That she stay with him forever? She can co-parent And if considers having a child a bigger commitment than marriage, he will meet her half way.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You alright had a child together. That’s the biggest commitment you can make to another person. Marriage and all the other stuff is just niceties and legalities.

Already*

He’s 40 not 60. You’re over reacting. Go and explain yourself and say sorry and I’m sure all will be ok

My amazing stepdad and my mum had 19 years between them . He was amazing but sadly developed vascular dementia and we lost him . Until the last 5years of his life he was hehond fit and healthy . she lost him 10 years ago but wouldn't vjange a thing
Live your life if you love your fiancé do so with all your heart .

I got married at 22 to someone 15 years older, I didn’t really think through the age gap, at the time all I cared about was the fact I loved him, we had 2 dc’s but after a few years it became clear that our life styles and dreams were very different, he wasn’t very active, would happily sit at home watching tv all day whilst I want to go out doing things and wanted the kids to experience more of the outside world, I started taking the kids on holiday without him, he’s health declined a lot and he was unable to do the things I wanted to do. Eventually I started to resent him and felt the kids were effected by his lack of energy. I decided to end it and it was the best thing I did. He’s now with someone else and recently he had a mini stroke, I know it sounds mean but I’m glad I got out or would have probably ended up being his carer by my 40’s.

But, just because that’s my experience it doesn’t mean it will be yours, I know many men in their 50’s who are as fit as some 20 year olds and of course you never know if one of you will become unwell or suffer a life changing illness or injury so there’s always a chance you will have to care for your partner at some point?

I don’t think leaving someone because of what your worried may happen is a good idea (it may never happen) but maybe there’s more going on here and your looking for a reason to leave? If so then you do not need a reason to leave someone. I don’t think leaving him will ruin your life, your very young and you have a lot more life to live wether that’s with him or not.

I have two friends (was 3, but one is now a widow) in age gap relationships.

All are/ were very happy and have been for many years.

One has no children. (I don't know whether this was from choice or just the way it worked out - never asked). She met her husband, who was almost 30 years older than her when she was introduced to his family as the fiancé of his nephew. Within weeks she realised she was with the wrong man and broke of their engagement, and within a year married the uncle. (You can image how that went down with the family. He died in his 90's - they had been very happy together for almost 40 years.

The second married a man who was about 15/16 years older (similar to your gap), It was his second marriage - he had three children with his first wife. they had two boys together. He died in his late 60's. Their younger son was 15-ish.

The third is the older member of the partnership. She's 70 and 20 years older than her DH. She has an adult son from her previous marriage who isn't much younger than her DH. I don't know how long they've been married as they were together when I met her, but I've known her 17 years.

I think it very much depends on the individuals - The first husband was healthier and more active at 96 than the second one was in his 60's.

Yes - there's probably a greater chance of being widowed young, or ending up as a carer, but young could be young and your OH get knocked down by a bus, or run off with your best mate.

It's life - you can't predict anything.