I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

But maybe if you were 66 you'd not think that

Maybe.

I wouldn't take the chance, though

Also, men only real begin to grow up and mature in their early to late thirties anyway!!

Please stop worrying. It could turn out great. I know a couple with a 20 year age gap and they're still happy, they have 2 lovely teenage kids.

Hi OP. Just read some similar responses on this thread so thought I'd share my thoughts.
My DH is 18 years older than me (I'm 31, he's 49). We're also expecting our first baby. My parents didn't approve of the relationship and my mum still doesn't approve (she never even came to our wedding) for stupid reasons that are unfounded.

However, at the end of the day, we love each other, respect each other and our values. We laugh, cry and share good and bad times together. That's not going to change. Nobody knows what will happen in the future and I wouldn't throw what we have away for the fear of 'what if...'s.

These strangers on the Internet don't know you or your DP so don't let them influence your choice in this matter.

You had been bottling up these doubts and it's good that you shared them, if only for honesty's sake. At least your DP now knows how you really feel. In the long run that's for the best.

Telling your DP how you feel wasn't the problem. The issue is that the age gap worries you and a recent horror story on here (presumably about the man who'd concealed the existence of his older children) touched a nerve. Perhaps planning the wedding also came into it.

While you can't take back what you've said, after DP has slept on it for a while he may rethink his response and you'll be able to discuss the matter more rationally.

Talking it over is the way forward. If he refuses to engage with this, he has taken the decision out of your hands.

You dropped a bombshell so it's not surprising he's shocked and hurt. I'd let him think it over and come back to you on it.
However, he must have had similar thoughts himself about the age gap so it should have been raised at some point.

From what you've said, I feel that you do want to end things, but only you can know that for sure.

If you were to part your dc could still see their father and his family. Plenty of couples manage this, it's not even unusual. Your child needn't suffer from your separation.

Anyone can tell you age-gap stories, both good and bad, but it's YOUR relationship that matters.

I'd add that people do grow up more and change between their early and later 20s. You are not the 22 year-old who settled down with a 36 year-old, while your DP was well past that stage of life.

I suggest you stay of MN and online forums. Everyone's situation is different.

well I would say we all make mistakes, if you don't want to lose him act fast, keep apologising to him for what you said. we all have insecurities so nothing to worry about how you were feeling. but its important to apologise. you don't want to regret this later so if you apologise then hopefully you can save the relationship

It's not THAT big a gap.

Seems like this is a foil for some other issue.

My dad was 8 years older than my mum.
My dad's best friend was 18 years older than his wife.
My grandmother was 25 years younger than my grandfather.

Those 3, very long, marriages were the best I've witnessed. None lasted less than 40 years and all were ended by death not dismay.

It depends so much on what sort of people you both are.

Good luck OP with your damage control - I’m 20 years older than you with a husband 10 years older . I know there’s a risk that I’ll be left behind but there are no guarantees in life so grab the happiness you can while you can .

Exactly what Quickchange5 said. If you're happy apologise and enjoy your life together. There really are no guarentees!

@Butterpuffed This! Spot on.

Also those of you telling OP she's "shallow" or "self-centred", you're not only unkind but also stupid. Stop talking nonsense, you're painfully clueless about PND and anxiety. How can you say something like this to a woman who's suffering from both right now is beyond understandable.

OP, please take no notice of stupid people and do the right thing for you. Take care

@Regularsizedrudy
A 40 year old has no business being with a 26 year old. There are clearly reasons you feel this way, don’t ignore your gut. You have not ruined your life, your life hasn’t even started yet

Because we all want the same thing? or that we have all been through the same events in our lives.
You are acting like he is some criminal and she an innocent victim (I guess that is always the view for some people).

14 years is not an enormous gap. I have a very happily married friend with a 22 year gap, I have an 8 year gap myself.
At the very end of life it might be more of an issue, but then again it may not be. My dad was a few years younger than my Mum, but he was the one who had a degenerative disease in his late forties, and he died before her.
This sounds more like a commitment panic, if you love him, fourteen years is fine. I had a friend whose parents had a twenty year gap, and others who had a forty year gap .

I don't understand why people would rather be a carer in their 80s than in their 60s.

Both my parents needed care at the same time and it was horribly stressful for both them and us when they couldn't help each other. Awful.

At least I'm likely to be fit and well if my husband starts to need help. And I'll be glad to give it, because he's my husband and I love him.

Hi all,
We have just been through this thread and made several deletions. If ever there was a clearer example of why trollhunting is against our guidelines we've yet to see it.

We have checked, and we received one report only regarding this thread, from someone rightly concerned that an injustice was being done.

We will be speaking to the posters who started this derail and we would once again re-iterate that if you believe that someone is trolling it is completely against our guidelines to express your concern on the thread and if you continue to do it we will have to consider a suspension or ban.

Please report any concerns to MNHQ and let us deal with it.

to AnOverthinker, please accept our apologies for the confusion and we hope you are able to get good support for your PND.

We're not just random people giving opinions based on nothing- most people who are saying age gap relationships aren't good are basing it on their own experience/knowledge.

He is likely to die 20 years before you, if not sooner, plus you will eventually find him less physically attractive.

Don't worry OP, my dad is 74 and his girlfriend is 36, my DH's granddad was 53 when he married a 21 year old and they were very happily married for his whole life (she outlived 2 husbands)....age is just a number. 40 isn't even that old!

Are you just freaking out because of natural bride jitters and you are pinning it on this one thing that you are consciously uncomfortable about?

I know a couple with a 19-year age gap. But it was the 47-year-old who had the stroke, and her 66-year-old partner who looks after her.

Bloody hell, fear of the unknown could stop you from doing anything.

There are plenty of stories of successful age gap relationships, but you've chosen to focus on the negative ones. I think you need to dig deeper and try to work out what it is that's really bothering you and whether there's anything you can do.

For what it's worth, I'm in my late 30s and have found myself a carer for my partner who's early 40s. I didn't count on him developing a brain tumour. You can't control or second guess what will happen in life.

14 years is a big age gap but it’s not enormous. I’d say it’s good you’ve been honest. Hopefully you can come back from this bit if not then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Good luck.

I totally understand your concerns but there are many successful marriages around me with huge age gaps that have worked out fine. My DH is a older dad and had his first with me and he is literally like my second child, still hyper, does naughty things to annoy me but he is a doting father to our lo and loves doing childish things. Also, please remember when you start dating again and if things don't work out, you will miss this. People may not live up to your expectations and being closer to your age won't necessarily mean that they will be compatible to you. To be honest, I have a 27 yo sister and if she was getting married to a 40 year old I wouldn't mind as 40 isn't old at all knowing from my own DH!

My MIL and FIL have a 10 year age gap (79 & 89). My FIL is one of the most mentally sharp people I know, no illness, still drives, does all the cooking, can walk a good couple of miles each day. I know he might be a rarity but it’s not always the case that you will be left a widow early with age gap relationships or you will become a carer. Plus they absolutely look the same age, you would never know there is an age gap at all. If you love him and everything else is great it seems a lot to throw away because of age.

There was 12 years between my grandparents, DGM's family were dead against their marriage but they were my benchmark for a happy, healthy relationship. They died within 4 years of each other and I don't think the age gap was ever really an issue after DGM's family had come round to the idea, they were very happy together. Life is uncertain OP, being happy now is more than many of us manage so I'd be focusing on that if I were you, the future is far too much of an unknown quantity to be affecting your decisions now.