I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Oh get a grip @AnOverthinker**
If only the medical community would hurry up and catch on that the cure for anxiety and PND is to "get a grip"

He is 40 not 80, what an insult tbh
He won't always be 40 though will he? She's worried about when he is 80 and she still only in her mid 60s.

I don't think the age gap is the issue here- my parents had a 15 year age gap and were married for 30 yrs before mum passed away. There are many, many people with even bigger age gaps that make it work. Age really is just a number. Issues arise at any age- who's to say that a 27yr old won't get struck down with a life long condition where they require long term care, or pass away and leave their partner a young widow.

Age is not the issue here. Write a list of every little thing that bothers you aside from age, then judge by that :)

12 years between my mum and dad and they're still going strong depite one of them being in their 80s. 4 years between Dh and I and he's a right grumpy old man at the moment, he's lucky I love him so much

Do you love him? Do you have fun together? Does he treat you well? Age is just a number, it really is.

What drew you together in the first place?

People are quick to share opinions here and shout LTB. They aren't living your life, aren't in your relationship- tbh they'll probably never think of those words thw typed again, yet you're living the effects of them.

I think you need to think about YOUR relationship.

What brought you together, if you're both happy (a relationship is cyclical- good times follow the bad etc) and what yiu both want from the future.

You could meet someone your age and be miserable.

I'm 45, my husband is 59, we've been together for over 20 years and we've got 2 kids (teens). We are at different stages of our life at the moment, but that's ok for us - we love each other and are very happy together. We enjoy much of the same things still and we are both outdoors people who like to swim, kayak, walk, cycle etc. He is less active than he was and often prefers to stay in rather than go for a run, but it's ok because we are happy doing our own thing too - we are not joined at the hip!. He is hoping to retire in a few years and i'm looking forward to him being home more with our teens, doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning etc and taking the pressure off me while I work full time. It works for us but I honestly think compatability is more important than age. I might feel differently in 10 years time when he is nearing 70 - but we will see when we get there. He's the love of my life and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Listen to the voices of reason. You are a normal human being with a genuine concern. If you feel you have made a mistake, whether in entering this relationship or just by saying what you did, deal with it. Apologise if you feel you need to, then forgive yourself and think about what you really want.

Thought I'd give you a positive age gap story.
Don't be influenced by other people. If you're compatible, happy and you love each other now why worry. Who knows what the future has in store anyway.

Well all the other things asides I have several patients with similar age gaps (I work in the NHS) where the wife now in her 50s is main carer for a cranky old man in his 70s. None of them look very happy about it. Dont throw away your youth on an old man. You should be out going g to festivals and having the time of your life with your child not tied to a man like this.

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest that it's reasonable to have these concerns and to act on them if they bother you enough.

Fourteen years is a substantial amount of time and whilst at 26 and 40 it might not seem a massive gap, the gap combined with men's lower life expectancy can mean that you could have more than a decade and a half widowed at the end of your life when you are most vulnerable and would benefit the most from having a partner. Additionally, it is much more likely (although if course not guaranteed) that you will end up caring for your partner if he were to develop a serious illness or condition, potentially for quite a few years. The reality is that it is very unlikely that he will be in a position to do the same for you and thus you are more likely to have to rely on extended family, carers or need to go in a home much earlier than would otherwise be necessary if you had a partner who could care for you. I have seen this happen to so many of my DGM's friends that it must be depressingly common.

There are other considerations too. He will likely retire a decade and a half before you which can put a strain on the relationship when you are at totally different life stages.

There’s only a year between me and my husband and he had a stroke aged 62
This meant he can now no longer drive.
I’m gutted but relieved it wasn’t a paralysing one..but I find it hard going being the only driver especially when it’s long distance and I feel unwell myself
I’ll health can happen at any age . Your husband could go on into his 80s or 90s and be fir and we’ll and you could end up being the poorly one.
Life is risky.
I’d live for now if I were you

If you're happy then yes, you're making a huge mistake.

My last husband was 11 years younger than me and it didn't work out. He wanted to keep going to nightclubs and me in my late 50s not interested in all that. You really have to have serious common interests to make it work.

I became a carer for my 25 year old husband at aged 24, 4 months after having our dd. I was then a young widow at 9 months later, still aged 24 and our dd had just turned 1. He was 26 when he died.

An age gap doesn't have to have a bearing on when these things happen and I wouldn't think it was worth throwing it all away for. Whilst I miss my husband like crazy, and would never choose for it to be this way, there were many special moments to cherish in what we went through and I would never choose to give that up, he was worth going through the difficulties with.

My DH and I have a bigger age gap than you.

Stop judging yourself - why do you lie about his age, most people probably wouldn’t give two hoots!

It’s not as simple as 2 people in a relationship will work out as long as they are the same age, it’s about whether you have anything in common? If you are a wild party loving 26 year old then yes, at some point his age might become an issue but if you have things in common, enjoy the same type of lifestyle then an age gap is far less of an issue!

You haven't ruined your life. You've very bravely decided to face a very real fear you have, @AnOverthinker

I too would be scared to think that at age 66 I'd be married to an 80 year old.

The thought horrifies me and I simply couldn't do it.

I think you're very brave to face this fear now.

Get some counselling to talk it through. Better to end the marriage now and find what you want, than leave it for years with an underlying worry in your heart

I can understand your dilemma, 14 years age gap, may not seem much now, but as you age it will show. Of course no one can predict the future & what health issues it may bring for you & your Partner. Only you know what is right for you, is it just the age gap or is something else worrying you.

You'll have middle age years when the gap will seem less big, then old age years when it will again seem huge. I think the gap is large but who's to say the relationship will last 20 years until the part when it seems particularly large again? If you are happy for now, just stick with it. All sorts of other stuff will happen to you which you will either weather together as a couple or not, the age gap is way down the list of things to worry about. Also, I would say that you sound not quite ready to make the commitment because you are allowing yourself to be swayed and panicked into action like this.

When I first read this I couldn’t see what the problem was...but it appears there’s more to it...

Because of his age, he’s more likely to have a tainted relationship history...Did he split from his ex’s on relatively good terms? does he talk kindly of them? OR does he have a history of Rocky relationships? multiple children with different mothers? If it’s the latter, you’re being extremely naive. The ability of some women to pull the wool over their eyes is astounding - I just don’t get why they do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve a friend in a large gap relationship and it has worked well for them.

Don't you feel any responsibility towards your child?

It's a bit late now to decide this man is too old when you have a child together!

Why did you get pregnant so soon and so young?

It's not even a big age gap.
I had a long relationship with a 13 year age gap and thought nothing of it. I was 21 when we met. We didn't split up because of age. He married someone with a 15 yr age gap and they have been married over 25 years and are happy.

No one knows what lies ahead. YOU could become ill or die before him. It's all luck.

I too would be scared to think that at age 66 I'd be married to an 80 year old.The thought horrifies me and I simply couldn't do it.

But maybe if you were 66 you'd not think that @chatterbugmegastar

My ex is now 78 and his wife is 63.

I also know someone who is 42 and her DH is 70. They have 5 children and the youngest is still at primary school.

Some people live for today not some date in the future.

In the nicest possible way OP you are past the point of frivolous reasons for ending a relationship - you have a child together.

If you love each other, have a good relationship and are happy why on earth would you split up just because some random on the internet had a different experience. If you’d been on a couple of dates then fair enough rethink but this is madness. Unless there is something you aren’t telling us - in which case you have a right to leave at anytime.

No one knows what the future holds, live for the moment.

I too would be scared to think that at age 66 I'd be married to an 80 year old.The thought horrifies me and I simply couldn't do it.

You may die before 66 and not even have the option.

Why are you letting complete strangers dictate your life? You have potentially broken his heart because of something people don't know you have said. Yet another person who seems to think getting married is a bigger deal than creating a life. Ridiculous.

I lost my first husband when I was in my mid 20's, there were three years between us.

Having said that I don't think your fears are unfounded, and it's better that you have spoken up rather than keep it to yourself. I guess you need to decide if it's something you want to work through or if it's a dealbreaker.