Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

A grown man screaming at someone else's small child and then shouting at the mother is completely unacceptable. He wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

An adult losing their temper with a small child is not acceptable. I wouldn’t have them around my child again.

Completely agree. Whatever the behaviour of the child, the dad's behaviour was unacceptable. Many young children struggle with regulating their emotions and with impulse control, but as an adult the OP’s friend doesn't have that excuse. What's he going to be like when his own DD starts playing up, talking back and asserting her will in a year or so if he can't even speak appropriately to someone else's child?

I did teach my kids to respect and be gentle with smaller children and animals. Maybe it’s time you did the same

….You can teach kids to be respectful and gentle, but some children find it harder than others and all children have the occasional slip-up. So it's not all down to perfect/deficient parenting as some pp on here seem to suggest. DS for example adores his auntie’s little dog and is usually very gentle and loving with her but now and then there’s a sneaky push or pull of the ear which gets an immediate (proportionate) disapproving response from all of us (apology to dog, time out and not allowed to play with dog if done a second time). And sometimes children get hurt playing and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. At the playground the other day, a friend’s DD turned around without warning and pushed DS off a climbing frame. Luckily it wasn’t a high one and, although very upset, he just had a grazed hand and some bruises. I was a bit shell-shocked, but didn’t blame the mum. She was mortified and dealt with her child appropriately without going over the top. It would never have crossed my mind to yell at the child – she’s only 3, a tiny little thing and usually very sweet and friendly.

I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time.

So don't. The father that yelled was by far the worst behaved in this scenario. Maybe wait till people – your son, their father – have grown up a bit – and say so if asked. He should be apologising.

Pull of a dogs ear??? If that was my dog that child wouldn't be allowed inmy house again if it happened a second time. And I don't even like dogs. The minimising of bad behaviour on this thread is unbelievable.

We only have OP's word this Dad shouted at her Son. Did he really shout ? who knows 🌺

I'm not condoning the shouting ...he shouldn't have done it. But if you've been close friends with him for ages you must think that generally he's a nice bloke. It does sound a bit like you're minimising your son's behaviour and the dad was at the end of his tether.

Love how everyone is jumping down the blokes throat. If someone threw something at my 2 year old and my partner didint day anything I’d be more concerned.

Maybe the parents are sick of there chicks being harmed because your child is ‘spirited’ which is code for he is such a handful I give up most the time and just pick my battles.

Sorry love....but, your 4 year old was being horrible to a girl half his age! At 4 he should be able to play nicely with other children and know how to share, how to be fair etc. Your child sounds an unruly handful. You can not seriously be blaming the other parent for protecting their child!

How would you react if my 8 year old came and walloped your 4 year old and I didn’t react other than to shrug my shoulders and say “kids will be kids” Take control of your child. At 4 he should be playing nice, he sounds, not quite ‘out of control’ but definitely feral.

Sorry if I soeem harsh but you and your child are in the wrong.

Pull of a dogs ear??? If that was my dog that child wouldn't be allowed inmy house again if it happened a second time. And I don't even like dogs. The minimising of bad behaviour on this thread is unbelievable.

Well it's lucky my DS is not as intolerant as you are about normal (if unacceptable) toddler behaviour because my 2 year old and the dog absolutely adore each other. And my sister adores her nephew and loves spending time with him so no, she hasn't banned him from the house yet but just gently and firmly guides him on what is appropriate behaviour around animals.

Child- not chicks!!

Sorry, DSIS not DS.

In tears over this for days is way OTT. Those two kids are at very different developmental stages and no, your kid is not a toddler. My two year old plays with a couple of older kids who are very gentle to her but I still have to keep an eye on her because kids will be kids. When my daughter was about seven months I went to pick her at nursery. this 3 year old as I went into the class was standing over her. He looked me straight in the eyes, and let a cowboy on a horse fall on her face from standing. The hoof of the horse hurt her face and she started crying really upset. In my head I proceeded to strangle the bastard in real life I proceeded to say the usual we have to be gentle with babies you know and consoled my child. As adults we cannot lose it although we feel like it. I think you both need to sit down and think about this.

A 2 year old pulling a dog’s ear is an accident waiting to happen.

I can understand the 2 yr old's father being very protective.
Throwing things can be dangerous.
The father was probably afraid, and sadly many parents of 'rough' children tend to downplay it.
At a mother and toddler group, a woman had a really aggressive 4 year old, who was physically strong and pushed the little ones off the toys.

It is natural to want to protect our children from rough behaviour- perhaps speak to the father, and re your DS, good exercise really tires kids out.''Rowdiness'' needs running off outdoors..Even if you live in a City, there are parks and places to run and 'let off steam''.
Boys really do need exercise to keep them happy.

Can you imagine if it was the mothers boyfriend who screamed in the 4 year olds face. The majority of posters would be having a shitfit over it.
This is different of course because we all get to tell a woman her 4 year old is terrible for throwing something, rather than the much more likely fact that this is an angry bully of a man who feels it ok to reduce a friends very young child to tears and also its mother because the child threw something at his daughter, when OP clearly says that usually they play together very well.

Even if your child was badly behaved, that man did NOT have the right to scream at him or insult you. A request for you to deal with the situation better may or may not have been necessary, but no, you dont go round screaming at yur friends children in the face.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with your son but it's going to be hard for you to get much useful feedback from here because obviously none of us saw what actually happened - all we've got to go by is your version of events. I'm sure the father of the 2 year old has got an entirely different recollection of things.

I used to teach reception so have seen lots of 4 year old behaviour and wouldn't really describe throwing stuff at younger children etc as 'normal', nor would I think of a 4 year old as a 'toddler'. Instead I think at 4 they are old enough to understand that a 2 year old is much younger than them and that they need to be gentle. My ds is 2 and he has never thrown anything at anyone. All children are different though and some need different styles of discipline e.g. consequences.

I hope u find something that works for u soon as it can't be an easy position to be in and I of course don't think a parent "screaming" at another is on, that must've been tough

It sounds like your friend has reached the end of his tether with your son's behaviour.
He's not right to lose his temper of course, but he's probably not happy to wait around silently until your son does do something that 'really hurts' his child.
Children can be a great bond between friends, but also drive a wedge when parenting styles and behaviour standards are very different.

@AuntyPasta

A 2 year old pulling a dog’s ear is an accident waiting to happen.

Absolutely..... Lots of dog rescue places won't re-home dogs to families with young children for this reason.

Children need to know not to touch animals they don't know, and to be gentle with ones they do.

Hmm
No return to thread and a first time pp.

Very different perspectives. Of course, the other adult didn't have a "right" to shout nor express himself that way.

Nonetheless, I wonder at what point your desire to explain becomes explaining away? Have you considered how much injury or upset you think others should be prepared to accept from your son because you find it difficult to modify his behaviour and describe yourself as struggling?

If you can lay out your expectations ahead of time, perhaps it would help others to decide whether it's appropriate safeguarding for themselves and their children to abide by those.

The dog may absolutely adore the child but a sore ear, which are common enough in dogs, could lead to the dog reacting without thought.

What a horrible, abusive little man.

I wouldn't want anything to do with people like that and I wouldn't want my child being in a house where it's ok to scream at and threaten little children. You have the moral high ground here.

"I've met many a parent who sit there benignly, passively allowing their child to create havoc thinking everyone loves it. A "oh he's a handful, no stop that toddlerTommy, don't grab that for the hundredth time from so and so" whilst doing that kind of 'what can I do' shrug"

Your 4 year old is a child, not a toddler - and by that age, ought to know that throwing toys around isn't acceptable behaviour. Do you really want to be that parent everyone avoids in the playground? Whose child is the one who isn't invited to playdates/parties? Because unless you do something to teach your child socially acceptable behaviour - you're setting him up for a lifetime of misery.

My 16 year old had a friend like your son. Last week, there was a "scuffle" between them, witnessed by the head teacher (thankfully), where the former friend launched himself at my son and punched him, only for my son to turn around and slap him. The punch landed on the back of my son's neck. The slap hit the other boy in the chest (and was more of a "get the fuck away from me!" sort of slap). My son had been walking away from the former friend at the time, yet the other boy's parents claimed their son was "defending himself". Yeah. Defending himself from someone who was walking away from him, with their back towards him, and who ended up with a bruised nape and migraine attacks as a result of their awful attack upon him...! They were quite irate according to the school's social media page, that their son was excluded for a week... and tried to demand that my son apologise to theirs for the stress and upset caused. I'm irate because my son has missed more time at school because of the migraine caused by the punch to the back of his head - and because I know how easy it is to damage the spinal column there by something like a punch to the back of the neck. My son could have been seriously injured/killed by their son... yet their son is the one who needs to be apologised to?!?!

At the moment, OP, you have the chance for your son/you as parents to turn out the opposite of my son's former friend and his parents. Please take it.

A 2 year old pulling a dog’s ear is an accident waiting to happen.

Lots of babies and toddlers go through a phase of pulling tails and ears because they're naturally curious about what will happen. It doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be cruel to animals, but I agree they need close supervision otherwise it's dangerous. Young children should never been left unsupervised around dogs even for a minute. That's why we don't have a dog even though we'd like one. Slightly off-topic and I know many will disagree, but I think owning a dog if you have young children is irresponsible. How can you absolutely guarantee that the kids will never be alone with the dog? My sister's dog is very gentle, sweet and laid-back, but I'd never ever leave DS alone in a room with her.

This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her

Reading this account takes me back to the days when the parent of a boy who'd taken an active part in a group assault on me (I sustained fractured ribs, skull etc. - all of us were young children) said to my mother:

"My son would never do that."

Son/my classmate piped up, "I hit her with the brick, but I never put the boot in."

Mother: "No you didn't son, you'd never do that."

Son continued: "I did, I hit her with half a housie. But I never put the boot in."

And this exchange continued in a similar vein for some time. It's sometimes instructional to reflect on what others regard as "horrible" or what it would take to be "really hurting" someone.

Absolutely..... Lots of dog rescue places won't re-home dogs to families with young children for this reason.

Children need to know not to touch animals they don't know, and to be gentle with ones they do.

Agree with this... This is why we won't be getting a dog until our youngest child is 8. But what I would say is that children don't immediately start off knowing how to behave around animals (or indeed how to behave at all) so it is good for them to have the chance to practice sometimes in a supervised environment. It is a learning process and sometimes they will make mistakes and really you just need to watch them like hawks until they can be trusted. We don't ever let DS touch dogs in the park, although he likes to look at them, and it slightly annoys me when dog owners say things like "Go on, pet him, he's really friendly" as I don't think they should be encouraging small children to touch their dogs.