Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

I guess that would make you a great cop, but a shit friend or therapist @BlueThistles**

in your opinion 🌺

Nursery assistant here. At 4, your child's behaviour can no longer be excused by you as "typical 4 year old behaviour". When We, on the rare occasion, have A 4 year old that still exhibits this kind of behaviour, the child is watched like a hawk in order to protect other children. Growing things, pushing - this is no longer excusable. You need to stamp this out right now. That poor 2 year old isn't being protected from your child. My own now 7 year old was, as a toddler, showed aggression and frustration. I get it. But you cannot leave him on his own. It is not right that a 4 year old is shoving and throwing things.

people with just girls tend to be just a little bit smug.

Maybe you mean people with naturally quiet and docile children, rather than just girls? We know plenty of quiet boys and a few over-boisterous girls.

Actually, I think we all feel smug about our own children (and quite naturally so ). Although I could strangle DS sometimes, I feel secretly rather proud of him when he climbs the big kids' climbing frame and gets stuck at the top or falls off his trike and cuts his chin because he's tried to come down a hill that's too steep. I'm sure parents with girls who do the same sorts of things feel similarly proud, as do parents whose children (boys or girls) enjoy quieter and more gentle pursuits and have the concentration to sit nicely and colour in or read books for hours. All children have their strengths and weaknesses and you have to work with the child you've got.

This isn't the first time it's happened or that he's seen your child behave badly is it? It sounds as though there's history for the other family here. By all means cut them off and blame the father for his reaction. Indeed ,he probably wishes he hadn't shouted. But your son isn't "strong willed" he's badly behaved isn't he? If you don't get a grip of this soon it won't be the last time you come into conflict with other parents.

@Carycy

Yes I know this. Thankyou for pointing this out. Girls can be boisterous too. But generally ( I know was are not allowed to generalize at all on mumsnet) people with just girls tend to be just a little bit smug. I have both boys and girls by the way,

I’ve never heard or seen a father being smug about having a daughter myself. It’s usually fathers being smug about having a son and mothers about having a daughter.

I love how people think they are perfect parents because their kids happen to be gentle. I parent my kids perfectly fine. I have two boys and one girl. One of my boys is just a little bit spirited and boisterous, traits of adhd, he is currently working with the teachers at school on his issues. Yes I parent him. Yes I spend more time parenting and disciplining him than my other two put together. But he is what he is. I can’t actually change that. But it’s nice to know that so many people would judge me if he is a bit more difficult than their perfect children. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you judge. And be glad you we lucky with your children.

Plan I’ve Seen plenty of fathers be very happy With their daughters. Maybe in your world men prize boys above all else. That’s rather a misogynist point of view though.

@Carycy

I love how people think they are perfect parents because their kids happen to be gentle. I parent my kids perfectly fine. I have two boys and one girl. One of my boys is just a little bit spirited and boisterous, traits of adhd, he is currently working with the teachers at school on his issues. Yes I parent him. Yes I spend more time parenting and disciplining him than my other two put together. But he is what he is. I can’t actually change that. But it’s nice to know that so many people would judge me if he is a bit more difficult than their perfect children. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you judge. And be glad you we lucky with your children.

It is so tiresome and lazy when people trot out the “perfect” shite.

It’s very childish.

@Carycy

Plan I’ve Seen plenty of fathers be very happy With their daughters. Maybe in your world men prize boys above all else. That’s rather a misogynist point of view though.

Yes my world, being a Chinese ethnicity very much prizes boys over girls. It’s not my personal world view but what I see in my circle.

I have a friend who never disciplines her son, she laughs off all his behaviour as just being a typical boy.
Actually he is a proper nasty and spiteful little shit and I've caught him smacking his mother in the face and pulling her hair over and over again when I've been visiting and absolutely nothing done to stop him.
Mothers can sometimes excuse behaviour that other people will not tolerate.
A four year old should know better than to be throwing things at and potentially hurting a baby. This is morte than a handful, I'd not ever have tolerated that behaviour from my son and trust me he could be a little shit at times but he knew what my limits were.
I don't think the dad should have shouted like that though, I would just have taken my baby and left and not gone back, maybe had a chat about it when everything had calmed down.

I wonder what the response would have been if a mother had come on here and told us about the 4yo son who frequently pushes her 2yo without the child's father intervening, and was it terrible of her to finally shout at him when he threw something at her little one? How many posters would have been piling on to tell us that it was the mother of the toddler who was abusive?

Right but you are suggesting that all men prefer boys on the thread plan. Now you are saying it’s because of your Chinese ethnicity ls it’s a bit of a drip feed. And that clearly isn’t the case for everyone.

Captain I don’t know what you mean by that.
I was referring to the person who said their kid was gently in nature because they “parent them” as if their parenting was somehow superior to others.

We’re seeing a situation right now where many kids haven’t had a chance to socialize much with other kids outside their family for the past six months. Six months is a hugely long time in the life span of a 4 year old.

It felt weird to me to get out and about and meet people again so why are we blaming younger kids for making mistakes? For having behavior at 4 that we would forgive a younger child?

So many responses on the thread are sympathetic to a man who was verbally abusive to a 4 year old and his mother. Blaming the mother for the kid’s behavior that supposedly provoked it. Nor even asking what the boy’s father is doing to help.

Disappointing.

We don’t even know if the boy has only just turned 4 and the girl is about to turn 3 or not. If the OP isn’t supposed to refer to her son as a toddler why are some PP calling the girl a baby?

I have a three - almost four year old - and yes of course in a perfect world he’d never throw things or push but you know what sometimes he gets so overwhelmed and frustrating that he does. He knows it’s not acceptable but at that moment he’s not in control of his actions because you know - he’s three. I’m very surprised by some of the responses on here about perfectly normal (if undesirable) child behaviour vs a grown man screaming at the child. There’s no way I’d let that man anywhere near my child again.

There are quiet mean kids too who fly under the radar. I had a bully at kindergarten. She always waited until there was no one around to pour water on my picture and ruin it. Her word against mine. Eventually I refused to go to kindergarten as it was too stressful.

vs a grown man screaming at the child.

It's MN - "screaming" doesn't really mean screaming and "crying for days" is very unlikely to be true.

Big brave hard bloke screaming at a child probably a quarter of his size. How can he expect a 4 year old to control himself when he clearly can’t. Also how does he know what his child will be like when she’s 4. Most normal people would just say “Oh play nice now” and slag you when you’d gone home.

Your son is not a toddler, and he is not displaying “typical behaviour”.

His behaviour is unacceptable and causing others to become hurt. If this family friend has sat back and watched your son hurt his daughter repeatedly while you’ve sat back and done nothing then yes, he was right to discipline your son because you clearly haven’t been.

I don't believe for one second anyone would ever put up with this in real-life!
Or maybe many posters would have the sense to discipline their children and/or consider the outings they do based on their child's behaviour so they're unlikely to be in a situation where their friend ends up blowing a fuse.

Like most people, I keep my opinions about other people's children to myself and as far as I'm concerned how people discipline their children is up to them. However, there is no way I would tolerate another child behaving in a way that put mine in harm's way.

I'd have pulled back from seeing my friends with their children if they were prone to infantalising their badly behaved children and being quite permissive through their actions (eg. "DC that's a warning... Don't do it again... That's a warning... I've warned you we'll go home... I mean it... I really do mean it...") before I was likely to snap.

I very much doubt your friend's angry outburst came out of nowhere. I suspect he has already bitten his lip quite a few times regarding your son's behaviour.

The reasons I think this are because you seem to be deluding yourself that your son is still a toddler, and therefore too little to moderate his behaviour. In reality, he's four, so could easily already be at school and definitely should know, by now, not to throw things at toddlers in anger.

You have also tried to minimise your son's action of throwing something at a (genuine) toddler, by saying you don't think it's particularly bad or horrible (it is).

You've also admitted that you have spent days crying about this whole episode, which makes me feel you're a bit feeble and need to toughen up. Which in turn, just confirms my suspicions that you're not nearly assertive enough with your son.

Oh, and at the end of the day it doesn't matter how strong willed your son is. He's four. He shouldn't be anywhere near as strong willed as you because you're a flipping adult. And, if he is more strong willed than you, then the problem lies with you, not him.

Don’t think the op is coming back..not sure she got the responses she was looking for.

No, don't think she did. Which means she's always going to be that Mum, with that boy. Sad.