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Original poster

Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

321 replies

Boymom377 · 14/09/2020 02:58

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

OP posts:
Illdealwithitinaminute · 14/09/2020 09:53

I don't hang out with parents who not only shout, get hysterical, shout at little kids (even if they are in the wrong) and then rant at the parents.

No justification for that behaviour.

Wouldn't tolerate it ever. Don't tolerate it in my own husband, wouldn't tolerate it in someone elses.

He didn't snap once or firmly say stop, he ranted on at a child and then ranted at you.

I can't believe anyone on this site would actually put up with non-related men shouting at them in their own home, even if the child in question was badly behaved.

Someonesayroadtrip · 14/09/2020 09:54

It's very hard to assess a situation from this small snapshot, but from my experience and perspective I would say your son is quite violent, you mention other incidents had call him a handful. The little girl is a lot longer and was hurt AGAIN by your child and I'm guess from your responses and OP that you assume it's just normal typical behaviour, when it's not.

I have been there though, my eldest was violent, he has special needs but was really violent, I did always recognise it's wasn't typical behaviour and dealt with it but even so we had years of a very very difficult time. Which it doesn't sound like it's the same thing, but I am just sharing to say I do understand.

You didn't mention how you deal with the situation. But I would suggest I removing him from the situation, putting him in Time out with a brief explanation of why "we will stay in time out as you threw something" then at the end of his 4 minutes, hug and tell him you love him but that you are friend are very sad that you did that and you would like him to apologise.

All children are different, you might have to find something That works for you, but do handle the situation. Ignoring it and thinking it's just how 4 year olds are, isn't the case. What is he like at nursery?

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 09:55

we only have OP's version of events. 🌺

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 4 year olds Families
ErinBrockovich · 14/09/2020 09:55

An adult losing their temper with a small child is not acceptable.
I wouldn’t have them around my child again.

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 14/09/2020 09:55

I don’t think it’s ‘typical’ behaviour, I mean lots of 4 year olds don’t hit/throw.
He’s probably fed up of your minimising.

OhCaptain · 14/09/2020 09:57

In all fairness, the man might not have "shouted".

A child who's never in trouble would probably get hysterical at even a mild telling off because they wouldn't be used to it!

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 10:00

In all fairness, the man might not have "shouted".

A child who's never in trouble would probably get hysterical at even a mild telling off because they wouldn't be used to it!

agreed 🌺

ClementineWoolysocks · 14/09/2020 10:01

It sounds like you're excusing your son's behaviour by saying he's a toddler and doesn't know better. Toddlers are between 1-2 years old, your son is 4. His social development is on you, step in when he goes too far and remind him how to behave. If he continues to push/throw stuff etc then remove him.
You're going to end up with a perpetual toddler who doesn't think rules apply to him if you don't nip this in the bud.
I'm sorry this guy lost it with you both, that was out of line.

BloggersBlog · 14/09/2020 10:03

A child who's never in trouble would probably get hysterical at even a mild telling off because they wouldn't be used to it

Plus if they have a parents who has been in tears for days after it then it's pretty obvious where they get their lack of control from. What an exhausting family you sound

msflibble · 14/09/2020 10:04

The dad is 100% out of order and if a friend ever spoke to me or about my child that way I would tell them to fuck off forever.

Parenting is not easy, and it might like he's doing better with his younger more compliant child, once kids hit 3 and 4 they are dealing with a lot of big emotions that they haven't yet learned how to manage effectively. I know a 5 yo boy who still hits when he can't handle his feelings but compassion and empathy work so much better than yelling or screaming - what this man has done is literally model to your child that it's a grown-up thing to do to fly off the handle, act out, scream and shout and say awful things. Slow hand clap for him. What an idiot.

It would have been ok for him to issue a stern reprimand, what your son did was dangerous and unacceptable. But screaming at a small child and saying awful things to you? I hope when his daughter hits 3 or 4 and struggles to manage her own big feelings, as she will, that her mother will be a better role model for her to follow than her father.

Angelina82 · 14/09/2020 10:08

I don’t think it’s ‘typical’ behaviour, I mean lots of 4 year olds don’t hit/throw.
He’s probably fed up of your minimising.

I agree with this. As a mum of 5 kids, with an average of 2 years between each of them, I can’t ever remember any of them ever hurting their younger siblings. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I did teach my kids to respect and be gentle with smaller children and animals. Maybe it’s time you did the same OP.

RedRumTheHorse · 14/09/2020 10:08

@iano

He was wrong to scream at your child. I wouldn't see him again. The parent of a 2 year old probably cannot envisage what it's like having a 4 year old. I remember being frustrated with a friends child and now thinking I was very wrong to feel like that. Just move on... you're unlikely to recover from this and I wouldn't expose my son to him again.
He may have been wrong to scream at the OP child but the OP should have taught her child not to harm smaller children.

My DD has been around 4-year-old boys since she was a baby. They have all been taught not to hurt smaller children and how to play with them. Two of the boys are definitely strong-willed and kick off but they have never hurt DD even though they have hurt children their own age.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 14/09/2020 10:16

Funnily enough, if the OP had posted her husband had shouted, ranted and made her four year old hysterical, then everyone would have been falling over themselves to say he was potentially emotionally abusive...

There's no comparison between a mum losing it and snapping at her own kids and a unrelated male non-parent ranting in their home, that's actually a bit scary. I have never seen any of the dads I know do that, even though all of us have had kids who are better/worse behaved. The dads I know are firm with their own kids, indeed, I've heard a few bellows over the years, but not at other people's kids. That's not the same relationship and it's frightening for a four year old, I would probably cry if a grown man was looming over me shouting.

I don't believe for one second anyone would ever put up with this in real-life!

stayathomer · 14/09/2020 10:20

There's 2 sides alright, one side father panicking because a much bigger kid threw something at his younger one, other side horrible for you and you're obviously used to 'rough and tumble' and didn't think it such a huge deal. I have 4 boys and I do limit playing with younger kids because it isnt fair if it gets rough but also most people I know don't have older kids and are used to different playing. But op boys will be boys is never a justification, saying that, try not to let all of the feedback on this thread affect your son or your parenting too much, but maybe just take a step back and see what can be worked on.

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/09/2020 10:20

He was absolutely in the wrong to behave as you describe. However, it's possible you are both in the wrong. Parenting is not easy that's true, but it appears you might have given up on even trying. You're more interested in paying the victim than actually addressing your child's behaviour which you minimise and excuse as normal. Out of interest, after your son threw whatever at the little girl, and before her father stepped in, what did you actually do?

willowmelangell · 14/09/2020 10:22

If an 8 year old boy threw something deliberately at your 4 year old, would that be ok with you? If the 8 year old's parent was stood right there and didn't react, would that seem ok to you?

MrMeeseekscando · 14/09/2020 10:26

My best friend's son is an absolute shit and I can't stand him.
I never bloody tell her that though!

beautifulxdisasters · 14/09/2020 10:27

He was obviously wrong to shout at you and your DC, and I would be considering not seeing him again due to that rant.

However I think you are massively minimising your DS's behaviour. "It's not horrible behaviour like punching" - he threw something at a 2 year old! Sorry but barring any SEN, at 4 he is old enough to understand that is a really naughty and horrible thing to do. He is also not a "toddler". And as "strong willed" as he may be, you are his parent. You need to tackle his behaviour.

I was going to say that presumably he has started school or at least nursery if England based, but I think from some of your spellings you may be in America?

unmarkedbythat · 14/09/2020 10:30

I don't take parenting advice from adults who scream at 4 year olds until they are hysterical. I don't take any sort of advice from them at all.

ivfbeenbusy · 14/09/2020 10:33

Clearly your friend is seeing a pattern of behaviour you either can't see or don't want to see

No I wouldn't be happy with a little so and so who is old enough to be in school throwing something at a younger child. I wouldn't have screamed about it though but if you were a close friend I would give you a dose of reality/few home truths

SaltedPeanut · 14/09/2020 10:33

When my dd was 3 DH and I met a lovely couple. A friendship formed between the adults. The female partner, through general conversation, mentioned that she didn’t have any mum friends and it seemed her little boy had very little interaction with other children. He had not yet started at nursery. She said he went once but didn’t settle so she didn’t take him again. She invited me and dd over to hers, one day, to meet her 4 year old DS.

OMG!! From the moment we got there my dd was not allowed to play with his toys. Whenever she picked something up he snatched it from her. His mum said nothing. He managed to spill DD’s drink as he ran from room to room, climbing over furniture etc His mum said nothing. Then he began throwing his toys around and threw a car which caught dd in the face. Her nose and lip began to bleed. His mum laughed and said, “I don’t know where he gets his energy from” 😳

I got up, put DD’s coat on and left. I haven’t spoken to her since. I said nothing but believe me that took an awful lot of control. The dad in OP’s case had obviously witnessed his dd being bullied by an older child with his parent not parenting.

OhCaptain · 14/09/2020 10:38

@BloggersBlog

A child who's never in trouble would probably get hysterical at even a mild telling off because they wouldn't be used to it

Plus if they have a parents who has been in tears for days after it then it's pretty obvious where they get their lack of control from. What an exhausting family you sound

Quite!
Thewiseoneincognito · 14/09/2020 10:39

Oh OP it sounds like you have more than just a handful there. He sounds like a horrible boy 😬 hopefully school will give him the boundaries you haven’t been able to.

Otherwise it’s going to be a long 14 years 😆

Timeforanotherusername · 14/09/2020 10:42

He sounds like a horrible boy

A 4 year old horrible? Really? What a horrid thing to say.

Toptotoeunicolour · 14/09/2020 10:43

His child is a lot smaller than yours and he can expect that you should be teaching your child actively to take care around people who are smaller/younger/more vulnerable than he is. Four is not too young to instil this behaviour or level of caring. If you were letting it happen without intervening, I can understand that he would have become very frustrated and eventually intervened himself in a way that seemed a little over the top.

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