Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

[FallingOffTheBed]

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

Just read your post and wanted to send you a virtual hug. Life is really shit sometimes and I totally understand how you feel. You must be a very strong woman and you have my admiration.

You really need to listen to your body and mind and change how you are living. I was in a similar place two years ago, child with ASD who would do exactly this etc. I was going out of my mind with stress, and as a consequence contracted a (normally pretty harmless) virus that has left me with CFS and other health issues. I absolutely believe that if I hadn't been quite so low, I would never have got so ill. I am not fully recovered, and may never be which makes it even harder to take care of my children (and full time work is out of the window). Please just stop, get signed off, and work out why you are doing this to yourself.... don't make the same mistake as me.

@Itsjustabitofbanter

What is the point of that post ?

Getting up at 0430 is unstustainble. Your DH being generally tuned out is not ok, you're clearly stepping up and working like a hamster on a wheel to get everything done. You need to tell your partner you need him to be more involved - no excuses no more stepping back so you step up.

As for work how are your other colleagues coping? Could you approach management together? Is it your manager who is setting unrealistic targets? Could you speak to a union? Or just push back that you can't do it all.

You've got this OP, you need to start sticking up for yourself. Sending much love and big hugs x

Fuck off with your biscuit

Hope you’re ok OP .

There are excellent deals in mattresses on Wowcher and GoGroupie.
My friend got a locksmith to put locks on all the internal doors in the house. She wears the keys on a lanyard and clips it to her clothing. Best money she ever spent. Spare keys are in a location the dc don't know.
I agree with pp saying dh has to step up and parent. He will be a lot worse off if you have a heart attack or a breakdown.
Your employer needs a kick up the backside. Furlough was never intended the way they are using it. How dare they work you into the ground and take taxpayers' money to keep other employees off work.

Are you saying that your dh is wealthy but you are not? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

You sound as if you need a drs note to be off sick for a week or two whilst they go back to school and leave you in peace. No shame in that whatsoever you will reach burnout if you don't stop. And make your partner help you out.

Oh OP, more solidarity from me. 6ou sound like a much better mum and wife than me! DD shat herself in our bed today. There is a small stain on DH's side. I told him, and he said its probably chocolate. It's not, but he has no sense of smell so won't be changing the sheets tonight as all the kids are still up going berserk. Can your DH go to any of the autism support groups? They were invaluable for my DH in realising that firstly our life with autistic children isn't 'normal, but also that he wasn't alone.

Oh love, what an awful day. But it sounds like the situation can definitely be improved, you have the funds and a DH who at least seems kind, if a bit useless.

Let this be a turning point, things can only get better!

Bless you. You sound absolutely exhausted. Is there anyway you can take yourself away for a day or two? I’ve taken to locking myself in my bedroom for a break, leaving my dc watching tv downstairs.
Can you flip the mattress over?

Oh god, I know this feeling oh so well. I don't have advice, but the only thing that has helped is I literally DO walk away. Let DH sort out the kids, you MUST have some time out. It's not right or fair that you're at breaking point.

I would say 'DH, I'm at breaking point. My mental health is suffering. Take the kids, I need to get away, before I walk away' (have a bath, go outside, do anything to get away).

It's why my drinking has gone up. Some days are just too much

It has been a terribly long summer/school holiday (which started in march) and everyone is exhausted. You seem to have the shit end of the stick there with your job, that would lower anyones reserves. I feel for you. You need some slack somewhere. Tomorrow being a bank holiday does that create any space? Can DH let you have a lie in, take the children to the park?

Phone in sick, go to see your GP, they can be helpful & creative in these circs

@FallingOffTheBed the first step is recognising that you proved yourself already. It's been 20 fucking years! Half of those raising one child with SEN, then another. Working. Carrying the mental load. You've proved yourself years ago.

The next is to admit and accept you need help. Be that financial, in the house- cleaner,ironing service, babysitter etc.

Most important one is that you deserve that help. You are worthy of it. It's not something to earn, and even if it was,once again you earned it tenfold by now.

Then look at your job, if you don't NEED to work,but want to, look at other options. Options with less stress, term time only,part time etc. You already are paid peanuts, so a less demanding job can only be an improvement even if you won't earn a lot.

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@FallingOffTheBed the first step is recognising that you proved yourself already. It's been 20 fucking years! Half of those raising one child with SEN, then another. Working. Carrying the mental load. You've proved yourself years ago.

The next is to admit and accept you need help. Be that financial, in the house- cleaner,ironing service, babysitter etc.

Most important one is that you deserve that help. You are worthy of it. It's not something to earn, and even if it was,once again you earned it tenfold by now.

Then look at your job, if you don't NEED to work,but want to, look at other options. Options with less stress, term time only,part time etc. You already are paid peanuts, so a less demanding job can only be an improvement even if you won't earn a lot.
[/quote]
^^This. Absolutely this.

You do not need to be the bottom of the pile. Look after yourself and then you can care for your family.

Sleep well @FallingOffTheBed, I hope you can rest & relax into a peaceful sleep tonight. I have read through all your posts (but not everyone else's, apols ) & just wanted to offer you a virtual {brew} & solidarity. DC2 is ASD +PDA, now hurtling towards adult services & adding further diagnosis into mix. I could have written very similar posts to you so many times over the years & my heart goes out to you all as a family. It can be relentless, totally exhausting & all encompassing. Do you have any support from social services in terms of short breaks or respite? I know from bitter experience that it is virtually impossible to access and you have to stumble through the nightmare of safe-guarding/CIN teams in many local authorities but if you can find the energy to self refer or get DH/close friend to help with this, it might help.
I'm glad your DH is supportive of you & I really hope you can talk things over in the morning to find a better path. Sounds like you are being so much harder on yourself than you need be but equally I can understand why x

OP, I really feel for you when you say you have something to prove. My DH isn't exactly "wealthy" but he has a very good "status" job that pays well above average, and I'm from an extremely poor background so to everyone I know, he may as well be the King of England. I work hard by job isn't anything fancy or well paid. I have always felt the need to prove myself and it is EXHAUSTING. It's pointless. People who think you're a gold digger/kept woman etc are going to think that whatever you do. It's all about them and their own hang ups, not anything about you. So fuck them. Don't waste your life trying to prove anything to anyone. You have a child with ASD, you've got enough to deal with. If you happen to have a decent bit of money at your disposal then for God's sake, use it to make tour life easier. Anybody else would.

Ohhh Jaaaaazzzzzussss I would have freaked out about this too!!! My DS spilt milk onto his own quilt last night at bedtime and I struggled not to fly off the handle and slam doors. I did grunt and slam his cup down. And I'm not getting up at 4:30am to do an exhausting job!

You absolutely deserve a break. Can you give yourself one night one your own every couple of weeks? Or every week even? Just to recharge. And to wake DH out of his torpor. Or whatever the word is.

Hugs to you. Chocolate milk!!! Arghghgg!

Who are these people who accused you of being a gold digger and why does their opinion matter? Don't put these (not very nice, by the sounds of it) people ahead of your DH and DC by working so hard you are upsetting yourself and your family. Screw them.

Enjoy the prosecco.

My DH isn't exactly "wealthy" but he has a very good "status" job that pays well above average, and I'm from an extremely poor background so to everyone I know, he may as well be the King of England. I work hard by job isn't anything fancy or well paid. I have always felt the need to prove myself and it is EXHAUSTING. It's pointless. People who think you're a gold digger/kept woman etc are going to think that whatever you do. It's all about them and their own hang ups, not anything about you. So fuck them. Don't waste your life trying to prove anything to anyone.

Exactly. Can you imagine a man marrying a wealthy woman thinking the same? Would they fuck.

Having read your other posts I think your DH is a bit of a shit. Sorry. He lets you work all hours in a job you hate, for 15 years, for money that you don’t need as a family, whereas he hasn’t worked at all during that time as you are so rich he doesn’t need to? Nah, that’s not how I’d work things. Nowhere near.

Please try to take a break. A few days off work perhaps, callnin sick if necessary.
Do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a night or 2?
Or get a hotel somewhere?
Sorry, nrtft.
Hope you get a break, sounds like you deserve it.

Good morning everyone. thanks. So much wonderful advice again..

For everyone saying DH is a bit of a tosser - he isn't he just walks around in his own little universe and does not notice much at all unless it is really plain. I have wondered if he is also ASD although he denies it. He always tells me not to hint things but to hit him over the head with anvils as he needs things to be made very plain. I need to expect and demand more of him.

I am drinking coffee in bed and DS1 came in, waggled his finger and said; 'Don't spill it'!

A pp poster asked if I meant he is wealthy and I am not- well no we are, but it is more that it is due to DH that we are very comfoirtable and has next to nothing to do with me, IFYSWIM. I do not feel it is mine, although DH genuinely does not see it that way. My wages pay for the good stuff. So, trips away and holidays - it was that we never did anything fun for a good decade and then when I started earning independently it made me feel able to spend on things I wanted - like a trip to Centerparcs the first year. A cruise. I adore travelling, DH not so much. The DCs and I go away just ourselves every year and DH potters at home.

In terms of work- my colleagues who are not furloughed (there are 5 of us in my department) are all on our knees. If I go off sick they will have to pick up the pieces. My line manager is on leave this week thank heavens as he is beside himself. But it means we will have to pick that up. I am scheduled for some leave October half term. But I am considering everyones advice and not going in tomorrow. Plus I will talk to my GP- I am off anti depressants at the moment (for a couple of years now) and I might need that help again. My counselling appointment is booked Friday.

A poster up thread said that clearly independence is important to me and another that i am driven. i have not thought of it in those terms before. But yes, that is true. And I can be independent and driven in other ways. Ways that suit me and the family better. I will look into it. DS1 has just suggsted that if my cookbook is ruined I can write my own! Bless him. He is a treasure.

I asked DH 'did I really freak out badly?' He said 'yes. I was quite worried about you. Let's figure it all out this afternoon'.

I appreciate the utter generosity of spirit and kindess everyone showed me last night. You all did talk me down. You calmed me. You allowed me to step outside of myself for a bit which meant I felt like I handed it all over to you and then you gave me myself back again. If any of that makes sense. I really do feel like you were there with me and saved me. My deepest most humble of thanks.