Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

[FallingOffTheBed]

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

Can I just check I understand ? Your tumble drier broke down years ago and your wealthy husband refuses to replace it because it costs too much to run.

So you have been getting up at 4:30am to do the housework and laundry for the four of you before you go to your demanding and stressful job.

You dry the washing on the clothes horse and by draping it all over the house , which takes much longer and can cause dampness.

But this is YOUR FAULT because your husband is “ oblivious “ and hasn’t noticed the washing all over the house and you working all hours for years.

And it’s also YOUR FAULT because you haven’t pointed it out to him and made your needs known. Even though you asked for a dryer and he refused.

So even though he

• creates lots of extra work for you
• forces you into low paid work you hate because he keeps you short of money
• refuses to pay for any fun things for his own children
• does little or no housework or childcare even though he’s unemployed

he’s not abusive because he doesn’t hit you.

Have I got that right ?

The main issue is that I do not make my needs known. As soon as I do he is on board.

So it’s your fault dh doesn’t help?

Op, this comment makes me feel sad. You deserve another adult who looks out for you and pulls their weight, without being told to. Your dh should help out and be aware of what’s going on because you’re on the same team and have each others backs. If he doesn’t it’s disrespectful to you, even if he likes being away with the fairies. If he has a condition then get a diagnosis so that you can support each other appropriately.

I’m going to be an overly presumptuous random on the internet and say: dh has money, you feel guilty that he has paid for things, so you over compensate and he’s too spoilt to notice. He’s disengaged and you’re a martyr: that’s a relationship dynamic that you can work together to change.

@ALLIS0N

Oh, you said it better!

Still trying to prove yourself after 20yrs and 2 children 😱 I've only been with my OH 7yrs (3 children) and people (in laws) know they can fuck off with their judgement 😂 I've been a SAHM for two years and it's killed me because I hate it, but I wasn't going to look after a house, husband, children and work on top of that. If hubby is wealthy, time to send the 10yr old off to a great ASD approved boarding school, get a cleaner in, bring in things to help your life go smoother. Take a college or uni course to increase your employability value. My eldest is only 5 but I'm already doing my research in to local boarding schools. A lot of our friends board and it's an amazing experience for both parent and child development.

Can’t wait to hear how the 6 o’clock chat went OP. Hope it leads to real change.

I know people who are genuinely oblivious but can change when “the obvious” is pointed out to them, some of them are also the most mortified to find they’ve been accidentally hurting people. I hope your DH is one of those.

Hey, OP, can’t post at length as first day back at school for DC (not sure why I’m messing around on MN ) but didn’t want to read and run.

I was this close [gestures with fingers] to losing my shit a fortnight ago, so I can relate.

Practical tip: heated airer from Lakeland.

And yes, waterproof mattress protector. Pain in the arse to wash and dry (launderette service wash job, every six months or so) but worth it.

Keep on keeping on

Just to say OP, I totally understand your husband. It took me years to persuade mine to have a take away on the day. We'd have to 0lan it a couple of weeks ahead and lead up to it. He still tuts and shakes his head! He thinks the three of us are weird.

It can look abusive- it's like controlling and narcissism - but it's the ASD! He can't imagine why anyone would have a different opinion, it's obviously wasteful to run a dryer and you don't need it as has been demonstrated the last few years!

I find it helpful to point out to mine that it isn't about being right or wrong, it's about what I want and need and I'm having it. Then I tell him the price points and we choose something in the middle. Then a few months later he agrees how useful said item is. 😂

Hi everyone- sorry been off the thread the past few days.

I like the idea of a heated aier. thanks.

picklemewalnuts has it on the DH front.

Dh has been considering the dryer by doing a side by side excel spreadsheet analysis of costs for various dryers and a laundry service. I am just rolling my eyes, but the outcome will be that there will be a solution.

In the meantime though the heated air dryer idea shall be ordered this afternoon and presented as a fait accompli.

thanks.

picklemewalnuts has it on the DH front. grin

Dh has been considering the dryer by doing a side by side excel spreadsheet analysis of costs for various dryers and a laundry service. I am just rolling my eyes, but the outcome will be that there will be a solution.

For fucks sake. Are you actually serious? You seem to think it’s funny.
Are you still getting up at 4.30am?

How are you doing OP?

Yes, hope things have improved, OP