Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

[FallingOffTheBed]

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

Honestly go for a walk, it will clear your head and you will feel better for it. It's not a solution but it will help

You have DH there, leave, go clear your head.

Sorry, Cross posted. DH is clearly as big a problem. Not fair at all.

And the thing is... DS loves his chocolate milk. I can imagine him getting it all happy and then going to watch tv.

And I have freaked OUT about it.

Hugs. I have two dc with asd. The youngest (7) took his sister’s trainers and lobbed them in the trees and the field behind us. We’ve all spent an hour looking. Turns out he’d managed to get my dh’s hair clay and tipped it all over the bathroom. Every door in our house has a lock so he can’t get in without us, everything is locked away. It feels like a prison. Big hugs. Accidents happen but when you’re on your knees it’s the last straw. Can you take a break from work? I’ve locked since lockdown and I’m on my knees.

Get your dh to sort out your son and go for a walk or drive. When calmer think about things that could make your life easier.

Oh god, I feel for you. I have been working and have kids with SEN. However they go to their dads at weekend and I get a break.
I think you should leave DH in charge and go out for a walk. It’s a nice evening and you sound like you’re in a pressure cooker at home.
Take 10 minutes, or an hour. Whatever you need. DH will have to manage at home, because you can’t right now. Xx

Glad you’re feeling a little better OP. So glad you posted and got big virtual love when you needed it. I think most people can empathise right now with the sheer burnout of all this. Add a supposedly ‘minor’ catastrophe like a spilled milkshake (huge clean up job and just fucking annoying tbh) and it’s instantly breaking point. You know under different circumstances you’d probably be much calmer about it maybe even laugh (or not...🤣), it Is absolutely the sheer relentlessness of what you’ve being dealing with for months. You are absolutely burnt out and you need time off from all of it xxx 💐

Well, just do it, it's bank holiday. Go on booking.com for a hotel tonight and leave

I hate how angry and resentful i am all the time. i am resentful that DH doesn't work, yet does not oull his weight. Yet I feel like I cannot pull him up on it because everything we have is because of him - our house and all that. I feel like i am always trying to prove my worth- as a wife and mother and as a sister and employee.

It;s not rare though _ I think most women feel like that and I always think that it is up to me to 'fix' things.

To the pp who asked why I get up at 4.30- it is because i need some time to myself. No-one else is up until 6 am so i get that time to start the day in peace.

OP you have my full sympathy. The way I read your initial post though I assumed you are a single parent. There's no excuse for you feeling as dreadful as you do. Your partner needs to step up pronto and take some of the load. You sound like you need a lot more support than you're getting. I couldn't get up that early it would ruin me. Hope your mattress is salvageable.

If I could I'd come and help.
The best I can do is this - (it's chocolate, not cigs, BTW, but if you need cigs I'm not judging!)
Heartily recommend you walk out for a couple of days. They'll live.
Take care of you.

@FallingOffTheBed I hear you!!! I was getting up at 5am just to have an ho ur to myself and my DD2 is still waking twice a night for hugs/milk 🤣😭. I’m THAT desperate for alone time!!

You are not alone in how you feel at ALL. I def agree with PP - get yourself a cheap hotel for a night xxx

Thank you all. I am going to take a walk. i need some time and fresh air and to be away.

I shall do that now and post again when I get back. i cannot tell you how ,uchyou have all helped me. Just being there for me, a complete stranger. Thank you.

OP you and your DH need to rebalance your family life. ( Personally I'm doubtful he is pulling his weight properly)
I wouldn't suggest talking about this right now but soon.
There is no way you should have to be getting up at 4:30 am just to get some quiet alone time.

You need a break. It would be nice to hear that you'd taken some time off of work and had got away for a night, DH in charge.

I was feeling like this a couple of weeks ago. I booked a couple of days A/L,y parents took DC out for the day and had them overnight. I felt like I had recharged. I had a word with work and they have taken some of the load and I also go for a walk once a day.
It's hard, really really hard but it will get easier x

@FallingOffTheBed

Thing is, in order to try to get everything done in a day I get up at 4.30. i work and work and work and work and I am exhausted. This has just tipped me over the edge. I have nothing left inside of me to deal with it in a reasomable way. I am posting ebcause otherwise I would just scream my head off or slit my wrists.

OP you can't carry on like this, you must be completely and totally exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.

Your DH needs to start pulling his fucking weight. He doesn't get to tune out, that's not how it can work. You absolutely need to talk to him (not tonight, do it when you feel calm) and make him understand that things need to change. There's really no point in him being there if he's useless.

It is exactly the sort of thing that would tip anyone over the edge

Deep breath and go for a walk, tell DH the truth (that you are having a bit of a breakdown and have hit a brick wall, that you need some space to breathe)

Get DS and DH to help/sort the bedding and mattress. Unfortunately milk is the worst if not treated properly and quickly with biological detergent. Get DH to put the washing on (load 1 duvet cover and sheets) load 2 the duvet. Wash the mattress and flip it over to have the dry side up. Sleep in sleeping bag or spare blanket for the night. But yes, get DH and DS to do this. It will also help DS to feel less guilty

New rule: only food and drink in the kitchen/downstairs, not in bedrooms. My kids have spilt blackberry smooth all down the newly carpeted stairs.... stains are still there. So this simple rule must.

I was less calm than you, was on my knees at the time and shouted FUCK FUCK FUUUCK and left the house in a state.... it gave DH a bit of a wake up call.

Get him and DS to sort stuff whilst you go and clear your head (and rant in here)

Don,t get up at 4.30. You are choosing to and are paying the price for it. Discuss with your oh the challenges you are facing and work out a way you can hellp each other/family.

No major advice from me but wanted to say OP that you are brilliant for coping but you've got to find some time for yourself, you can't run on empty.
Your husband can't opt out just because it's easier - you haven't done that, why should he?

He can most certainly do all the cleaning up of any mess and he needs to do the lions share of any domestic work if he's furloughed at the moment.

I hope the walk helps.

You need to see/have a virtual appointment with your GP. Tell it, like it is. You need some time out and help.

I speak as a longtime single parent (though now remarried) parent of an autistic teen.

Oh god, that sounds shitty.

Are they going back to school soon? Hang in there..