Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

[FallingOffTheBed]

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

Go speak to counsellor.
. If you have money pay for help in house. And help with ds.
and get onto ss for short breaks.
And take more breaks for you
Yoy gave a dh
Lesvd dc with him more often and regularly

Honestly, hire in some help if you possibly, possibly can.

I'm a full time (plus) working LP of 2 young DC and sacrificing wine a couple of things to have just a once a week cleaner is a total lifesaver. If I could afford more help I'd get it in a heartbeat and not feel even a tiny bit guilty.

@FallingOffTheBed

If my best friend came to me I would tell her to think about the most important things- DH and the DCs. And see how the situation was damaging them all. And then to make the changes required.

And then i would tell her to go on a girls trip to Vienna.

You are wrong, the most important thing is YOU - your physical and mental health. Which you are slowly destroying with your lifestyle.

You don’t need better coping strategies, you need radical change. You need to be well For yourself first, then to be there for your husband and children .

Not lots to add but just wanted to send hugs and a message of solidarity.

Take a break, call in sick, get signed off for a bit. Deep breaths.

OP I’m so sorry - so many of us have left like this one time or another.

What are you getting up at 4;30 to do? Can you cut back?

I love that story @OhTheRoses

Falling off the bed.
You lot on mumsnet have held me up too over the past week, although I never said.

The feeling is mutual
Keep posting hon.

Look you've proved your point. But it's a bit of a daft one. You'd rather be suicidal than be seen to be profiting off your husband. That's the whole point of marriage. To profit from the joining of 2 individuals.

Really go to the gp and get signed off for as long as possible for thinking space.

A How much are your total outgoings?

B How much is your family income?

Does B more than cover A?

If so decide with DH what you WANT to outsource. I don't want to clean - cleaner comes 8h a week.

Clearly your current job is adding nothing to your own self esteem. So....What is your dream job? What would make you feel valued? Can you train you do it? Get work experience or whatever?

I work in a job that's well paid. Full time would 650 hours a year. I work 480 hours. I enjoy the job.

At 49 I've just found a new niche. I'll be paid the same excellent hourly wage (fingers crossed) for something I've been doing for free.

DH - talk to him. Decide that the status quo is NOT WORKING. It's not. And then together figure out the future. Buy in a life coach or some such service. To help you figure it out. Together.

Divide up the mental load. Can he do the school run? Or whatever. Always and forever.

Really it's ok to step off the merry go round and work this stuff out.

Good luck. You definitely need a bucket load of counseling for yourself.

You WERE me 6 weeks ago, woke up one Monday and just couldn't do it anymore. With DHs blessing I took myself to my mams for a week/got a cert from work for 3 weeks (fuck them they ran us into the ground) and gave them NO information, the cert said medical illness. Best thing I ever did. Dh had kids for a week, he got cleaners in. He has been better, slipping a bit but im going to have words now and if he doesn't I.prove I'm gone again. You will be no good to anyone if you have a breakdown. Oh and i have a child with SN too.

I'm only doing exactly what my objectives and hours are in work. Nothing above and beyond anymore, get no extra pay or any appreciation. I'm like a new woman. I have regular time away from family, no matter what's going on

And my cleaner is staying. Paid by lazy arse.

Fuck that shit, look after and stand up for yourself

@Bamboo15

OP I’m so sorry - so many of us have left like this one time or another.

What are you getting up at 4;30 to do? Can you cut back?

I am getting up that early to listen to podcasts, get lunches sorted and do the housework.

I know. I know.

I am starting to think the problem is me being such a wet fucking blanket. (I would make a joke about that being another reference to the chocolate milk on the bed but can't quite put that thought together into a funny sentence).

I am making a list tomorrow of things to do and change. Cleaner and ironing person probbaly for a start.

But for now I am going to head for home and go to bed.

Thanks again everyone.

How wealthy is DH? Wealthy enough that you can go online, buy brand new everything and just chuck the milkshake stuff out? Because if it was me and money wasn't a barrier that's exactly what I'd do. Fuck it.

Get signed off sick from work and take a couple of weeks to think about what needs to change and put a plan in place.

I hope you feel better soon. I really don't think we can underestimate the damage the current situation is doing to mental health. People are coping because they have to at the moment but I'm anticipating a lot of fall out when things start to go back to normal and people start to relax. You're not alone OP!

Right, the only people’s opinion that count are you and dhs. You are already working, looking after your kids and house. If you dont need to and you don’t enjoy it, pack it in. Look after yourself. DH is going to have to stop being a wet weekend and parent and support you. This sounds like it’s the wake up call he needs. Tomorrow if he’s not working, you take yourself off have a walk, do what you need, phone in sick, do not get up at fucking 4.30! He does child care and cooking and washing the duvet. Then Tuesday you ring the doctor.

@FallingOffTheBed

Oh.. and yes get a mattress protector.

Advice to live by.

@FallingOffTheBed If it cheers you- I had an anguished message from a family member who had a ''Mattress Disaster''....

I think we all trust a 'naked' mattress 'til we have a Mattress Disaster ..

People out there with snowy, pristine unsullied mattresses thinking : ''It won't happen to me''...take heed 😱 :)

I just wanted to chime in with solidarity too, I was ready to leave this morning. Just had a huge crying shouty talk with DH, feel a bit better for it.

You fucking need a break. Please try and book some time off...oh and give your fucking DH head a wobble.

@FallingOffTheBed

Thank you. I ma in the pub with a mini bottle of prosecco.

Now will read back all your kind posts.

Good start!

Would it help to think of Mattressgate as the start of something new? Sometimes one event can be a great divider and side memoire.

I am the one who brought the money to my relationship and I have never noticed DH feeling bad about that. If anything he has had a rather pleasant 20 years or so on it (he has worked steadily throughout that time, however).

I think maybe if you could get more sleep everything might to feel a little better.

I have also got a (probably) SEN child and while she has never thrown chocolate milk all over my bed, that is only because she doesn't drink it. There's been flapjack in there before .

OP.

You are a hero who has been pushed too far. What a hideous day.

Stop trying to cope.

Take the next 3 days off sick, that's an order.

It's absolutely normal, nay, inevitable to be livid with DS. You're both only human.

You need to rest, first. Then, only then, work out how to lose some of the load. But rest first.

Aside from your family situation your job sounds insane and possibly illegal if you're working so many hours.

Self certify as sick for a week and call ACAS for some employment law advice.

I'm so glad you went to the pub.

Are you saying because your husband is wealthy, he doesn't need to work, and you are working to prove you're not a gold digger? Are you saying that financially you don't need to work? If that's the case I'd hand in my notice tomorrow and have at least a year off work. Your life is so tough at the moment and presumably your husband's is relatively very easy. Time for you to have it easier.

And tell anyone who suggests you're a gold digger to fuck off.

That feeling of loving your kid so much that you would kill anyone if they were to hurt them vs wanting to kill your kid is a tough balance. It’s frustrating and lonely and overwhelming. But you are ok and you have done the right thing by venting about it here. None of us know the ins and outs of your life but we can sympathise. Wash the chocolate milk away in the morning, get yourself together. You can handle this x

When are the kids back to school?

You're not a gold digger - you know that, your husband knows that so who the fuck else are you bothered about? You're going to break your mental and physical health, strain your relationship with your children and drive yourself into an early grave because some random thinks some thing?

Puh-lease.

1. Get DH to sort new mattress, duvet, etc. You have money - this can just be sorted by spending money
2. decide what can be outsourced in the house. You have money - this can just be sorted by spending money
3. have a very full and frank discussion with DH about what you need and expect from him as a parent. If this is too difficult for you to do - and it is hard to change the habits of 20 years - get a counsellor to help you both. The very minimum of this should be an hour a day for you to be on your own.
4. Once the dust has settled and you have some headspace, think about your work - I'm not saying give it up because independence is clearly really important to you, but can you scale back, find a part time job, go part time at your current job? This will take time and a bit of effort and a reduction in your income, but you have money and support behind you to do this.

OP, you can't go on like this - but you can change it. I hope you have a peaceful night x

I have a DH. He has just got the vax machine out. He is not great with the Dcs. And he just tunes out of life generally speaking. I am struggling.

Well he's an adult. It's about time he tuned in. You'll have more energy and better mental health if he acts like a partner. Don't allow him to dip in and out of family life as he pleases, don't be a martyr. It's not helpful to you or to your shared family.

No advice but just wanted to send you support and hugs.

And to tell you not to be a bloody martyr! Especially if your DH can afford it.

It’s not being selfish or grasping or greedy. It’s for your children. If you are sane they are too. Simplistic I know but you know what I mean.

Hi OP,

You've had lot's of great advice and support on here and I just wanted to echo that. But also to say you are an awesome Mum. I can tell you are awesome because your DS did such a lovely thing in offering you his pocket money. Where did he get that from..... You of course and I'll even give DH some credit too!
Stop being so terribly hard on yourself. You have reached your limit, a limit that many of us would have reached a long time ago the way you have been working.
Everything will be much better tomorrow.
You know what you need to do now and that is give yourself a break both physically and mentally. Work out a plan going forward for home and work life and stick to it. You can do it OP.