Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

[FallingOffTheBed]

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

@FallingOffTheBed

Oh I know how bad it is to have a bed defiled- It seems so personal.

We had a rescue puppy from RSPCA, and Son needed a trip to Casualty- of course we were gone many many hours, and got back at about 1am.

Climbed wearily into bed .....and dog pee smack bang in the middle of my bed- on a new expensive duvet I'd been given as a present... and it soaked through every layer to the mattress.

After a stressful evening, it was really frustrating.

However-it will wash out.

Washing a double duvet will be a pain {mine wouldn't be touched by dry cleaners as it had urine on it- so I had to wrestle it out of the bath , after using litres and litres of water and then spin dry it at a laundrette- such a bloody faff.

I'd definitely recommend a dry cleaner if your duvet is above a single- rinse pff the worst of the milk.

I so sympathise.

That was wanton naughtiness by your DS ..He'd know that would be utterly unacceptable.

You will look back on this in a few years- but NRTFT...Is his dad around?
Could you get a break from DS ?? Even for a day or so?

Nothing but big hugs and from me, OP. I have Been There with my SN child.

The anger and mood instability is a completely normal response to the incredible stress you are under. It took me so long to realise that it was also about feeling powerless, and fearful, and unable to control anything that happened to me.

You need more help, tell people, your partner, your GP, school, anyone you can reach out to "I need more help".

FallingOffTheBed - who accused you of being a gold digger? Why does what they think matter? Your husband doesn't feel that way and you know you are not, what other people say or think is irrelevant - you and your dh know the truth.

Please stop working and trying to prove something that you don't need to nor should you want to prove.

You cannot go on like this it will destroy you and for what? Someone else's opinion?

Please, please take this opportunity to restructure your life to one that suits you and is easier for you not only for your sake but also for your children.

Good that you're getting a break tonight OP but really important that you get your husband to understand this is not a case of you 'not coping'. This is a case of him not sharing the workload of your family with you. No one can do all of that alone successfully.
I hope you do take some time off this week and that the counselling helps you to have those conversations with your husband effectively.

Honestly the more I read on MN the more I think that us women are flaming marvellous.

Sounds very stressful! Glad you managed a walk and feel calmer.
I would definitely take some time off.

I'd massively judge a wealthy man who watches his wife get up at 4.30am to work whilst caring for their dc who have sn. It beggars belief

I thought about driving my car into the wall as at least then I would get a rest.

Oh OP. I Recognise this; I once had exactly the same thought for exactly the same reason. It wasn't that I wanted to hurt myself, but I just thought waking up in hospital and having to stay there for a while recovering might give me the rest I needed.

I don't want to make any suggestions as sometimes when you're that tired even people trying to help can feel like you're being given more tasks to do.

It sounds like DH has woken up a bit. Just breathe. Sleep tonight. Then see.

Seriously sleep more. Have an extra 45 mins sleep and you still get 45 mins total peace.

Dump the jobs that you want to but are not essential eg most ironing.

If you haven't had a day off since lockdown started then you need to at least cut back on the number of weekends you are working. This is your mental health. It is important.

I think you'd really benefit from being signed off work with stress for a week or two, you need a break and a reset

Oh my goodness, OP, just saw your post about 'driving into a wall'. I can so relate. I used to fantasise about being injured and having a long break in hospital too! (Probably around the time my child discovered a giant jar of fish oil capsules and sneakily smeared them all on walls.)

It's always heartbreaking when DC offer you their money . . .

@FallingOffTheBed

Swab the mattress as good as you can - use old towels to swab the excess water- Use detergent to break down the fatty deposits in the milk or it will smell.
Lay dry towels over the dampness after washing.

After puppy pee incident {how could such a small animal have such a copiously big bladder?{Lurcher} I bought a mattress protector.

Saves hassle.

Have you a sleeping bag? Thats what I had to sleep in after the wet mattress incident.

Definitely agree you need time off work. Not fair on you at all.

You do sound extremely tired OP, I remember once I was going up for a bath when DC were young and a very angry DHs voice shouted up the stairs for help. I went into kitchen and DD had spilt a tub of hot choc powder literally everywhere, like an explosion, i could have cried (I prob did), I had a very busy demanding job, 2 young DC and was knackered.

The bed etc will be saved hopefully, you need a rest/sleep and then take stock.

Dear OP, just sending you more support. Have also been there. Take even a couple of days off just to sleep.

Be kind to yourself. Value yourself. Give yourself some time, you deserve it. That feeling that everything needs to be done by you at all times, it’s not making anyone happy. I’m sorry about the chocolate milk. The fucking chocolate milk. There are days when it make me scream for sure.

as others have said, it would be good to change something in this situation as you are not superwoman. But you are clearly capable and very driven otherwise you would not be able to hold down this demanding job, in this difficult time, and look after SN DC as well. You also have good levels of awareness as you recognise being anxiety-driven and trying prove yourself. At what point, after twenty years, does the need to prove yourself stop?

Thing is, in this situation, the only person who can say ‘enough’ is you. You have got one life and it sounds like your husband is wealthy enough for you not to have to work yourself into the ground. It also sounds like he needs to step up with the parenting. And most of all, it sounds like you need some time off work where you genuinely get to rest and have a bit of time to think how to redress the imbalances in your life.

Thanks everyone.

I am running out of steam when it comes to posting. Just sort of winding down to a stop. But I am reading and really valuing everything you all have said to me.

A little late to this but pleased enjoy your prosecco for a little longer.
I do know exactly how you feel - I once left my dh with the kids for a while on a very bad day while I did some errands and when I was driving back I went past the house. Quite deliberately because I couldn’t face going back. And parked up somewhere and had a good cry.

It sounds extremely tough.
Assuming dh has helped with the clearing up tomorrow will be a better day. Hopefully BH means no work?

Your work situation sounds very tough and unfair. Will furloughed staff be back soon? I think you need to be very honest with your boss. Also with your husband. If you have to work your tits off and he is not working then he needs to pull his weight immediately. My dh is very capable but won’t do anything unless told so I just have to give him lists which is mentally draining but then it does get done.

I hope your ds is back to school soon and that should help? Am also pleased that you had a cuddle before you went out. Poor lad will feel very bad (I would have been furious too though)

If your best friend came to you in this situation what would you advise them to do? Think about that and take your own advice! Be kind to yourself - your kids need you and you need you to be healthy and happy. Phone in sick tomorrow and take some time to make a new and better plan for the way forward for you and your family

@FallingOffTheBed
Just read your posts- So it was an accident re choc milk...That does put a better spin on it ..

A little liquid goes a very long way .

If you ''Just work for fripperies''...Ease back...Right back.

It sounds like you just had a 'Crisis'... And you are allowed that.

Very glad choc was an accident though- bit like the puppy -not done in malice after all.

Still get a break,

And a mattress protector.

If my best friend came to me I would tell her to think about the most important things- DH and the DCs. And see how the situation was damaging them all. And then to make the changes required.

And then i would tell her to go on a girls trip to Vienna.

Stopping feels like what you need.
Time off work- sick leave, annual leave or sack it completely.
You say you work for luxuries- can you out source some of the ‘load’- someone to talk your son swimming/ to a club / out a couple of times a week?
You need a break- take it before you break yourself.
You can see this is not sustainable, or what you want.
Look after yourself- put your oxygen mask on first.

Oh.. and yes get a mattress protector.

Advice to live by.

Go online and get yourself a luxurious new mattress. And bed linen.

Actually I've recalled something I did a lifetime at and have related on here before.

Slightly different circs as no an and a workaholic husband. But one who was inclined to announce at 10pm on a Friday night that he was doing x, y or z without consultation. The DC were about 3 and 6 when the worm turned and I announced at 9.30pm that I had plans for Saturday and was going out at 8am.

He was left instructions for football training, ballet, parties, (Two presents to wrap nd cards to write plus pick ups and drop offs), lunch and tea, etc.

I flounced off up to Central London, did the Tate and National Gallery, went to Horrids and Harvey Nicks and was finished at 3pm so got a 22 up the Fulham Road and walked back down the Kings Road to Sloane Square and had a glass of wine on.my own in Peter Jones, then got the tube home.

He was absolutely fucking exhausted when I got home (and I'd had a cry on the bus) and sheepishly ordered a take away and brought me a cup of tea in Bex the next morning. And we never discussed it again. They are 22 and 25 now.

Be kind to yourself OP, first and foremost.