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Original poster

Talk me down because I am about to leave the house and go away forever

236 replies

FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 19:11

I have a really stressful job that pays shit money and which is pretty much relentless. I have worked through lockdown and every weekend since it all began. My work furloughed 80% of staff and epxected us remaining to pick it all up. I am on my fucking knees.

I have 2 Dcs one of whom has ASD and is hard fucking work.

Abotu half an hour ago he took a chocolate milkshake upstairs, sat on my bed and then spilled it everywhere. All over my bed. All down the side of the bed. Into my drawers, Ruined two books I had on my nightstand. Down into the extension cord so our power went out. Everywhere.

I can't even look at him. i am just literally on my fucking knees and this is the last fucking straw. My bed is ruined. My bedclothes are ruined. i am trying to clean up the mattress. Milk has soaked trhough into the mattres itself. i am trying to clean the carpet. DS is aged 10 and kniows he is not allowed to do this. he is screaming in his room. I just want to walk out of the house and never come back. I need a break from my own life. i am so so so tired and now I have to sleep on a milk sodden mattress.

God help me. I am at the end of my fucking rope.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/08/2020 20:29

If it makes you feel better, I once spilt an entire cup of coffee over my bedside chest of drawers and bed...duvet covered, it dripped into the drawers, onto the carpet etc...cleared it up. Duvet stunk of coffee. Next day I did the same thing!!! Dh banned me from bringing coffee into the bedroom!

Original poster
FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 20:30

I said to DH i was taking a walk (which meant heading to the pub). i said i was having a breakdown. He said that we shoudl talk about it tomorrow because i can't go on like this. It is true what a pp said about another psot i made the other day- i basically work for fripperies. DH is wealthy and when we got married 20 odd years ago I was accused of being a golddigger and I have been trying to prove myseklf ever since. DH does not feel that way about me but somehow I have to prove myself by working myself into the ground.

DH fished my favourite ruined book (Nigella's express) out of the bin and has washed it down with a dilute bleach. He used to be a scientist and gave me the scientific explanation that modern printig is carbon based and so can handle bleach. I did not need the explanation, but appreciated the thought.

DS came to me with his pocket money in his little fist and said he would buy me another Nigella.

We have cuddled and I have kissed him and said I was sorry for being so cross. He wanted to come with me for 'the walk' but I said I just needed some time to myself for a bit.

DH said we need to talk about things. There is no point doing what i am doing if it is going to affect me so badly.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 30/08/2020 20:35

So you have spent 20 years 'proving' you are not a gold digger. I think you've made your point, so your DH will see from your talk tomorrow exactly what he needs to do.
You cannot drive yourself into a breakdown because you're grateful for the house!
Enjoy your prosecco!

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SaltyAndFresh · 30/08/2020 20:36

I couldn't be with a man like that, I'm afraid. He stands to lose a lot more than you if you decide to leave, so perhaps it's time for an ultimatum. You also need to free yourself if this fear of being seen as a gold digger, so if you do ultimately decide to leave, don't even think of doing so without your fair share.

formerbabe · 30/08/2020 20:37

If your dh is wealthy is he at least buying in help around the house? Cleaners, ironing, laundry service etc

Original poster
FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 20:37

Yes. I know,. Sounds mad. Utterly mad.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/08/2020 20:37

Sending you a huge hug OP.
You need a break, I don’t know how you have managed up until now. I’m a single mum of 2 autistic dc’s, I stepped back from work when lockdown begun as I just couldn’t cope with work and caring for the DD’s. My dd2 is constantly doing things like pouring drinks over things, smearing shampoo everywhere and breaking things, I try and stay calm but after a while I end up breaking. It’s hard and it sounds like your dh is adding to the stress by not offering more support.

formerbabe · 30/08/2020 20:38

My dh is not wealthy, our DC has sn..I don't work. If he was wealthy too, I wouldn't work even more.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/08/2020 20:39

Op go for that walk alone. Put yourself first. It’s what you need

Dh and ds will cope. Then when you are ready talk to dh about solutions. Brainstorm. Consider all options. New job. Part time hours. Cleaner. Babysitter. Regular time for you out of the house alone. Everything
You may look back at this day as a turning point to a happier time for you moving forward.

Go, breath, get some sun and some calm.

Squirrels1974 · 30/08/2020 20:40

You’re stressed. Like actually medically stressed. Get on the phone to your GP tomorrow and get signed off sick.
Allow yourself time to sort yourself out, rest. Just sleep on a towel / sofa tonight and sought the mattress saga out tomorrow.

Original poster
FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 20:41

Oh i am not thinking about leaving DH. We generally have a terrific relationship. He is just not that great as a parent to be honest. He is loving but baffled.

Sigh. I might need to be mroe assertive. he will help in that he will do what i ask him to do, but I hate having to ask and having to have the mental load.

I actually have an initial counselling session booked in for this coming week. I said my issues were stress and anxiety and i wanted etchniques to help me cope better and be more efficient. Hmm I need to perhaps establish better boundaries instead in all aspects of life.

OP posts:
greengreengrass14 · 30/08/2020 20:42

thinking of you

as others have said, try to be very kind to yourself.

IF it is at all helpful I'm fairly sure many of us have been where you are.

Time for a big change.

Call in any support you can.

greengreengrass14 · 30/08/2020 20:43

whilst you are out for a walk you can always phone samaritans to vent

phone is 116 123

you don't need to be suicidal.

they have many people under stress at the mo with covid etc

JM10 · 30/08/2020 20:43

Op, quit your job. You don't need and it it's making you sick. Get a cleaner. Get your husband to carry more of the load at home. Go away by yourself for a few days. I make sure to take myself away for a day or a night every few months and the feeling of not having to worry about anyone else, just do what you want to do is so good.

Original poster
FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 20:43

This might be a turning point. Poor DS coming to me with his precious pocket money. Bless him. I can't let him live with a mum who is on the edge like this.

OP posts:
EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 30/08/2020 20:44

Op I really feel for you, your sound very similar to me, I am a glutton for punishment too and work myself into the ground. I have days like you've had. And my dh is also not very much use around the house or kids. But he does work.
You need to sit down with your dh and make him see that you NEED help. Let him pay for some help around the house, but he needs to at least support you emotionally. Sending you hugs Flowers

StillGardening · 30/08/2020 20:45

Also don't forget home insurance might sort the mattress if it now smells of off milk....

Inkpaperstars · 30/08/2020 20:45

From your post I did assume you were absolutely strapped for cash to be doing a job that is causing you such distress and (understandably) affecting your ability to cope with your dc so much.

If you don't need the money, for god's sake don't do it. If you want to work for personal reasons or for extra spending, you have the option to try and find something else with much better hours.

Stop trying to prove yourself. No one needs you to do that surely.

Original poster
FallingOffTheBed · 30/08/2020 20:46

thanks green. I am okay now. Not suicidal but have been for sure not just today- but a few weeks back I thought about driving my car into the wall as at least then I would get a rest.

DH has just messaged me to say everyhting is done at home and to have another prosecco.

I honestly cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the kindness you have shown me. Thanks

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 30/08/2020 20:49

Better boundaries sounds good. I am glad you have the counselling booked. From where I sit knowing none of the backstory it sounds like you are very loved, and like you have a lot of options. You just are exhausted and that can do a number on your mind. Look after yourself.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 20:50

Two words, OP: Fridge lock.

Also, definitely address the bigger issues - it's mad that you're running yourself into the ground while DH sits there idly observing it all - what kind of a partnership is that?

witchofthenorth · 30/08/2020 20:50

Definitely go to the counselling session and phone in sick tomorrow and see if you can get a telephone or virtual appointment.

I have been where you are now and it's bloody horrible. What got me was when I snapped and saw the kids walking on eggshells around me. You are doing too much and tonight I think your knicker elastic has finally snapped.

It's time you put most things in the fuck it bucket and start to figure out what you need to do in order to not have a nervous breakdown.

DH needs to pull his weight but going from your updates I suspect he knows this, so a big talk tomorrow and make a plan.

If you don't need to work just now, don't fucking do it. Your mental health is more important.

Finally, you are amazing and awesome and you will come out the other side a better happier person. You my lovely, are like wonderwoman, but even she needs to take a step back Thanks

ItalianHat · 30/08/2020 20:51

Please don't hate yourself, OP. Lower your standards for housework etc. And threaten your DH with divorce.

He is not great with the Dcs. And he just tunes out of life generally speaking. I am struggling

You and your life is not the problem. He is.

MarshaBradyo · 30/08/2020 20:51

Op what can you change with money that will make it easier?

You are at breaking point and that’s horrible for you.

You don’t have to take it all on, get help that you pay for.

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better

JulieHere · 30/08/2020 20:51

Oh my, I feel for you. Flowers That sounds so difficult. You must be struggling. I am glad you went out for a breather.

You are not superwoman. You have managed so far and you need a break. You sound like you need to either take a holiday or some time off sick. Please do one of these.

Then, sit the DP down and tell him he doesn't get to zone out and leave it to you. Tell him you are on your knees and he will lose his wife and marriage if he doesn't help more.

Then tell your employers that they are making you ill with the amount of work and that they need to ease up. Go sick - they have contributed to your ill health. Their problem. Not yours. If things don't improve at work try to find something else - no job is worth your health.

Good luck