Please talk me down, my son nearly died today

[FeatherLoverGod]

On holiday in Devon and Have had the worst day of my life today. DS11 who has autism got caught in a riptide and nearly drowned. Had to be rescued, nearly didn’t find him in the sea. I had to be rescued trying to rescue him. Coastguard called and everything. Lost sight of him when he was washing sand off His legs, he started swimming underwater and I thought I could see him but it was someone in the same wetsuit. I panicked and ran to the shoreline. somehow caught sight of a head bobbing once out of the water 30 metres out. I grabbed a man and screamed thats my boy please help me. He just swam for it. I followed and got sucked in, felt so powerless. A teenager pulled me out and dragged me back to shore by pulling me on his surfboard. Didn’t know if DSwas drowned or alive. Took 15 minutes for get him out as the riptide was so strong. Can’t believe he is alive. I feel utterly sick. Every time I look at the sea I just see that head bobbing and i could throw up. I know that at least he is safe now but it’s awful. That guy, Christ, I owe him everything. And the teenager that rescued me was his son. They were amazing. What a fucking day. I can’t stop crying and feel like such a shit mother. I just lost sight of him, there were so many kids in the water with wetsuits similar to his. He refuses to talk about it, won’t let me hug him etc as he hates that but I want to just grip him close to me and inhale him. Please help and talk me down

You poor thing OP, take some time to come to terms with what happened and your not a shit mum, it could have happened to anyone, there was no warning, thank god that man and his son were there to save you. Your son is dealing with it by carrying on his routine, watching TV with his dad and brother, the way youre dealing with it is processing it in your head and re living the moment, allow yourself to go cry and come to terms with it. I wonder if something constructive would help like raising the issue that there are no notices about the riptide etc, sometimes throwing yourself into preventing it happening to another person can help ..

Never try to swim against the current.

Recently in an estuary beach I went swimming while the tide was going up. Just along the shore and I am a good swimmer (although I don't have the stamina anymore) and swimming against the tide, I basically stayed on the same place. Which was what I wanted then.
On a rip tide, always swim to the sides, along the shore, as you'll end up getting out of it and then can manage to swim ashore. If caught on a parallel current, try to swim towards the shore, but not to your original place. You can always walk back.

I’m crying. You poor thing. I think most parents have had near misses with their kids. Idolise my dd as I do. (The whole universe shines out out of her arse) has I known how terrifying and deep the phobia of something happening to her was I think I’d have sat down and gave it much longer thought before I had kids.
Of course you’re thinking what if.
You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t.
There won’t be a day that goes by for the rest of your life that you won’t be thinking what if. I thank God and those wonderful people for saving your beautiful little boy.

Bloody hell, massive hugs OP, as other have said keep repeating to yourself
DS is alive, I am alive. Hope you are asleep right now.

It’s not your fault at all, these things happen. Just be lucky that he is alive. There were 2 teenage boys that drowned a couple of weeks ago and a teenage girl that died in a boating accident a few days ago.

How utterly terrifying for you. I'm very glad that you were both saved
It's really important to talk about it especially if DH is underplaying it so much. Not processing it properly can lead to PTSD. You need to go over it, sort out what happened in detail etc. It's the same thing a birth debrief is recommended for when women feel out of control and at the mercy of things they didn't choose or want.

Nowhere near the same but I had to run into the sea fully clothed a few weeks ago to rescue my 7 year old who had floated out further than he realised. I had been watching him and shouting for him but he was on his back and couldn't hear me. The water was calm but he panicked when he realised how far out he was even though he can swim. I just threw my phone on the beach and ran in but I was out of my depth when I reached him. Thank god I had been watching him.

Then today he was body boarding near the beach and lost his board on a wave and started to go out after it. I screamed for him to let it go, for a second I think he was going to ignore me and go but he came in and we watched the board float really far out to sea in minutes. I shudder to think if he had gone after it. The sea is very dangerous . I am trying to teach him this but he has no fear and that frightens me

Hope you feel better op

@FeatherLoverGod

No signs about riptide, no guards, its Saunton Sands Owned by the MOD I think. Afterwards several people Said it’s well known but I had no idea. Thanks for being so kind I just keep torturing myself

I live 20 mins away from Saunton Sands, was it near the rocks? Normally however SS is much safer than Croyde which is just around the corner. Did the lifeguards see? I'm so sorry to hear this, its must have been horrendous for you. I would be like you, playing it in my head. Please dont blame yourself xx

Thank you so so much for your kind words and really excellent advice about trauma healing and practical
Advice about riptides and ds. I’m going to make a fucking massive donation to the RNLI and see about getting him a vest so I can see him easier if he ever wants to go in the sea
Again. I was really bracing myself for people saying well why did you
Let him go in the sea etc as I have really been blaming myself for losing sight of him. You
Are all
So kind and I’m convinced the only reason I managed to get some sleep. I’m really aching all over today. Sneaked into his room
For a cuddle. He is the most beautiful child

@WingingWonder he is an angel then. My hero didn’t even blink he just threw himself in the waves.

Hugs and OP.

I had one of those near misses (DS was a baby, I thought I'd put him somewhere safe, he turned out to be able to do something utterly unexpected and almost brained himself). You feel shaken for days.

As a bit of a public service announcement, all beaches have rips somewhere - what comes in must go out. And it's often that suspiciously calm strip of water (which probably looks quite tempting to a not so confident swimmer).

Along the N Devon coast the RNLI run some sea safety courses (I know there's one at Bude) where they teach this sort of stuff. Basic rule, try to swim across the top rather than against it, plus the RNLI's "float to live" campaign -roll onto your back to float, less effort to keep your mouth and nose clear of the water till you can be rescued.

Please don't beat yourself up and think of what could have happened. I've lived there all my life and it still happens to local people but you have taught me something and I will be more cautious when I go there now as I wasnt aware SS could be so dangerous. The thing I could suggest which would be to warn others on the danger there, something constructive to help move forward. We have a really good news page in the area and even if you PM'd and say you want to remain anonymous, they could put out a msg for you to warn others.

@shesellsseashells99 is that a Facebook page? X

I was stupidly almost pulled out to sea by the tide one day. I had climbed down a cliff to a little cove and was having a little swim. I was just coming ashore, when this pull took over. I was powerless against it but was standing depth in the water so just dug my hands into the sand to claw my way out. No signs about tide or swimming, but they possibly assumed nobody would have been stupid enough. If I had have been out of my depth, I wouldn't have been powerful enough of a swimmer to swim against the tide. It literally felt like being sucked down a drainhole or something.

Glad he's safe.

Extra swimming lessons. Swim parallel to the shore. Only swim where there are lifeguards.

[quote FeatherLoverGod]@shesellsseashells99 is that a Facebook page? X[/quote]
I have PM'd you

OP you did amazingly, you flagged for help despite the consuming fear, please do talk to someone about how you are feeling though. Hope you're okay

So easy to imagine doing this . You're not to blame, you tried to keep him in sight at all times and got confused. I've done this before with DS at the playground...I confused him with another boy with a similar hat and didn't notice him sneaking out till he was almost on the road... It's going to take you a while to get over the horrific fear you've been through and you're probably still in shock.

A tip for the future which I learned before taking DS to the seaside is always make sure swimwear/wetsuits are bright colours - orange, yellow, pink, red. They're much easier to see against the water than blue, green and brown.

Oh my good god. Thank goodness he is ok. This will take some time for you to process so be kind to yourself. You are not a rubbish mother. It was an accident.

You poor poor lady. What a dreadful experience you’ve had which could have had such a tragic outcome. I’m so pleased that the man and son were around to assist/rescue. Truly your guardian angels were on duty that day!

As hard as it is try to focus on the miraculous outcome and not the tragic alternative. You are a great mum!

Firstly you have nothing to reproach yourself for at all. We are surrounded by water here ,but few of us would be a strong enough swimmer to get out of trouble! Just a misadventure really .Can you speak to someone at all? Maybe when you get back home .Be thankful that your DS and yourself are safe, and the wonderful brave men who came to your aid as well .

Thank god you're both ok OP. I can't even imagine what you just be feeling, it must have been terrifying for you.

Allow yourself time to process, you need to deal with the emotions, not hide them. If you find that they're impacting your life down the road then seriously consider some counselling to help.

Im my own experience, I had something vaguely similar happen (not my child or anywhere near as bad as your experience) where someone I knew could have died. They were absolutely fine but I really struggled with the fragility of life and how suddenly and randomly it can end. Also with, thoughts of "if I hadn't have done x,y and z it would have never happened" over and over again. Well it did happen and I could never have predicted it, letting go of those thoughts was hard but I needed to do it to move on.

I have had one of these 'oh my god, I've lost/killed them' moments with each child and it made me ill for days afterwards. My husband was similarly affected. It was fine after about 2/3 days when the initial memory subsided.

As your husband and other child weren't actually there, and didn't experience this, they will be shocked but not in the same flat-out physical and emotional way.

Be kind to yourself. You did amazingly in a terrifying and unexpected situation, even experienced swimmers, surfers and fishermen get into difficulties and sometimes with tragic results, and they know the ocean. Thank goodness those wonderful people were there to help you too.

That must have been terrifying, riptides are a nightmare for even the strongest swimmer.

Thanks so much everyone. I’ve been in cuddling him while he was asleep this morning no signs of coughing or laboured breathing so I’m hoping secondary drowning isn’t going to happen. Will keep monitoring. He woke up and said, please can you get out of my bed I would like to stretch. He just kept apologising yesterday which was heartbreaking. Great tip about when I think about the head bobbing up and down in the water, to see the whole scenario through to include the rescue I think that will really help

That sounds so awful OP. My DS is the same age and absolutely loves bodyboarding and surfing and sails competitively. I always have concerns in the back of my mind when he's in the sea even though he always has a buoyancy aid.

For everyone, I think the message here is to only EVER go into the water where there are lifeguards and make sure to stay in the section of water they have marked out. Read the RLNI advice about how to help yourself if you are in difficulty and teach it to your children.

Personally, I don't think people should be allowed in the sea without buoyancy aids.