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Original poster

Please talk me down, my son nearly died today

185 replies

FeatherLoverGod · 26/08/2020 22:05

On holiday in Devon and Have had the worst day of my life today. DS11 who has autism got caught in a riptide and nearly drowned. Had to be rescued, nearly didn’t find him in the sea. I had to be rescued trying to rescue him. Coastguard called and everything. Lost sight of him when he was washing sand off His legs, he started swimming underwater and I thought I could see him but it was someone in the same wetsuit. I panicked and ran to the shoreline. somehow caught sight of a head bobbing once out of the water 30 metres out. I grabbed a man and screamed thats my boy please help me. He just swam for it. I followed and got sucked in, felt so powerless. A teenager pulled me out and dragged me back to shore by pulling me on his surfboard. Didn’t know if DSwas drowned or alive. Took 15 minutes for get him out as the riptide was so strong. Can’t believe he is alive. I feel utterly sick. Every time I look at the sea I just see that head bobbing and i could throw up. I know that at least he is safe now but it’s awful. That guy, Christ, I owe him everything. And the teenager that rescued me was his son. They were amazing. What a fucking day. I can’t stop crying and feel like such a shit mother. I just lost sight of him, there were so many kids in the water with wetsuits similar to his. He refuses to talk about it, won’t let me hug him etc as he hates that but I want to just grip him close to me and inhale him. Please help and talk me down

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/08/2020 23:03

You can spot them by watching how the waves break, if they're coming along in straight sets then you're normally fine, if there is a portion that is repeatedly missing, usually tapering wide to narrower from foreground backwards, that's usually a rip tide.

Exactly this - I had this conversation with my dad just the other day. People who don’t know might tend to think it’s calmer waters, avoiding the waves breaking hard, and be drawn to it. Then it pulls you out to sea quickly.

I’m so pleased your son is OK and that the surfers & lifeguard helped you both. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up for whatever er emotions you experience. Flowers

candle18 · 26/08/2020 23:04

How awful for you both. You will be very traumatised and that will take time to start to feel normal again. My son choked when he was little and I was so shaken by it that it took a while to get over and stop reliving it and the what ifs. Of course you’re not a bad mum, you can’t be constantly watching him and you did everything you could to save him. You should be proud of yourself.

seadreaming2020 · 26/08/2020 23:06

You poor poor thing, you have lived through every parents worst nightmare today but you have come through it and you are both ok.

To a PP, surfers often use rip tides to get out to sea so they can catch waves back in so it’s not unusual to have lots of people in the water (with boards) in water that is not at all safe for regular swimming. To echo the advice above, if you’re caught in a rip tide I was taught never to try to swim against it but to swim perpendicular to it (so parallel to the shore) as you will just exhaust yourself otherwise.
I agree with a PP that it may in the future help you to campaign for better beach safety awareness...maybe something your son could get engaged in with you too. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Timeforabiscuit · 26/08/2020 23:06

I hope you have a solid sleep tonight, but if you don't, just know that you have done the very thing that every mother hopes they can do Brew

hopsalong · 26/08/2020 23:08

Jesus Christ. What a nightmare. (I mean, I have this nightmare but not as vividly!) I think other posters are right to say that you might want to talk to someone after this. And is there anyway of finding out the identity of the two amazing men who rescued you? I think it must be if you get in touch with the coastguard and it would be really lovely if you could write a letter expressing exactly how you feel. My friend is a pediatric A&E doctor in the US and he keeps all the letters that parents send. I think heartfelt gratitude motivates people who do these jobs to keep on with it, and shores them up against the inevitable bad days.

Also, puts covid into relief a bit, doesn't it? I have a tiny limited personal experience, but I know five people of my age or younger who have died in the last couple of years. One suicide, four completely random accidents. This is a bit morbid, but it's how I think... Your chance of watching your child die of covid once they catch it is close to zero. But once you lose them in the water, which can happen in a split second, it is... not zero...

Hugs, and hope you can get some rest. And v much hope your son is managing OK too.

EnoughAlready2020 · 26/08/2020 23:14

I'm so glad you are all okay. I can truly understand the fear. Other PPs are right though, whilst you'll never forget this incident the aftershock will dissipate. 💐 ❤️

Rupertpenrysmistress · 26/08/2020 23:16

What an awful thing op. What amazing people to save you and your son. Your son is safe but that does not stop how you feel. My son slipped into a lake when he was 6 he was feeding the ducks, the side of the bank had washed away, luckily I was right there but, I can vividly remember seeing him come up and then sink. The water was so murky I just jumped straight in, the water went up to my shoulders I managed to grab him. Interesting fisherman were close by but none responded even though they saw what happened 😯. A lovely family have me their son's fleece to keep him warm. I was so shaken, my DH didn't understand why!! I still have a mini panic whenever he is near a body of water.

The raw feeling will subside, be kind to yourself.

Legoandloldolls · 26/08/2020 23:22

You poor thing. That sounds utterly horrendous. My 2 year old walked our the back door once. He turned left. If he had gone right he would have been on a road. I went cold thinking about the what ifs for ages. Dh said not too as it didnt end badly but of course you cant help the what ifs.

Try to focus on that there was nothing you could done differently ( unlike me who should have locked the door!). There was no way you could have know he would get sucked out. Also you went after him. So really, what would you do differently if it happened again? Nothing probably as you did the right things.

Big hugs as my son has ASD too. Hug him when he is asleep.

Colouringaddict · 26/08/2020 23:27

Maybe you could see if there is a local Facebook page and thank the 2 angels from today, or try the local newspaper. I bet they will both be very modest.
You are both safe, you are not a shit mother, not even close. A shit mother would not have gone in to rescue him with no thought for her own safety.
I hope a night in your DH’s arms in bed tonight soothes your soul.
I am so pleased you are both safe

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 26/08/2020 23:27

People who don’t know might tend to think it’s calmer waters, avoiding the waves breaking hard, and be drawn to it. Then it pulls you out to sea

Yes to this, ive lived near the sea all my life, but at a place with no significant riptides. I went on holiday to a place that has a bad one.
Saw the lovely calm water and unknowingly waded straight in. Fortunately a very alert lifeguard came barrelling over and shouted to me to get out immediately. Thank fuck. I’d be dead. I’m not a strong swimmer.

Be kind to yourself OP

Putmynewshoeson · 26/08/2020 23:28

Oh my goodness OP, I felt sick just reading this. Your poor thing and your poor boy, but I'm so glad you got so lucky with your rescue and rescuers.

Titsywoo · 26/08/2020 23:33

That's horrendous and you must be in shock. I'm afraid this is why I don't go in the sea at all as I know I'm not a strong enough swimmer or astute enough about tides etc to be safe. I hope your DS is ok. I also have a boy with ASD and can imagine him at 11 years old not wanting to be comforted (weirdly at 13 he is suddenly very cuddly!). Hopefully you can find a way to talk to him about it all in the coming days.

BitchTitties · 26/08/2020 23:38

Only read your OP, my lord, I'm so sorry you’ve had such an eventful and awful day but so glad you are all safe Flowers you are not a bad mother at all. Just count your blessings, go and hug each and every one of your family. I hope you are all ok Flowers

Happymum12345 · 26/08/2020 23:46

How absolutely terrifying that must have been for you both & thank goodness you are both ok. It is one of those days where you count your blessings and be thankful for how things turned out. What I expect it will take a long time to get over & you may need help from your gp. Try to sleep well i peace knowing that your and your ds are safe & well. Flowers

Tolleshunt · 26/08/2020 23:55

Oh OP, how completely horrendous. I’m so so glad DS is ok. Please be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up over it. You did everything you could, and you made sure he was saved.

You will likely find this plays on your mind repeatedly. The trick to processing it is to make sure that when the memory ‘video’ of the event starts playing in your mind, that instead of watching it loop and loop continuously on the part where he was in danger, that you take charge and purposely ‘run the video’ of the memory all the way through, until after the point where he is rescued and safe. This should help you process it quicker and avoid any long term trauma.

shivermetimbers77 · 26/08/2020 23:57

So sorry to hear this happened OP, it’s every parent’s nightmare. You may well find that in the next week or two you replay it in your mind quite frequently: that’s completely normal and a sign that your brain is trying to process it. Just let yourself talk about it as much as you want to - sometimes it can also help to write it down. Take good care of yourself OP and reach out for support from friends.

Serin · 27/08/2020 00:01

WingedWonder
Are you saying it was your brother who rescued the OP today?
You must be so proud of him.Halo

Lollypop4 · 27/08/2020 00:06

How frightening.
I hope a good rest will make you feel a little calmer.

Maybe get a session of counselling , just to talk it through with someone.

hellotoday27 · 27/08/2020 00:09

We were eating at a restaurant on the side of the beach in the evening after it had gone dark. Our DD1 who was 3 at the time was playing with other children on the sand by the side of us (large beach, sea not very close by). She was there one minute, the next she was gone. We ran down the beach and she'd hoisted her skirt up and was wading up to her waist in the sea. So strange as she'd refused to go on further than paddling all week so what possessed her to charge straight in, in the pitch black that night I will never know. I used to wake up in cold sweats thinking about it. If she'd gone under we would never have been able to find her. Now she's a teenager, I wake in cold sweats about totally different issues!

Thegreymethod · 27/08/2020 00:12

Thank goodness you're both ok. What an awful experience for you both, Hopefully he'll be able to talk about it once he's processed it himself.
My son chocked on some food once in a restaurant, it was terrifying it took what felt like an eternity to dislodge it and whilst my husband and a nurse who happened to be nearby where dealing with him I had to keep my other children from seeing what was going on and everyone was rushing over to help so it was even scarier for the children, I spent weeks thinking about it and going through it in my head and getting upset about how scared he must have been but it did get easier and I thought about it less and was able to move past it and I hope you're able to as well. Big hugs, accidents happen and you're certainly not a shit mother ThanksThanks

TW2013 · 27/08/2020 00:13

You maybe could go back to the beach to get some closure before you go home. If the company that your dh used is based there they might also know who it was who rescued you if they are local. Focusing on safety and signs might also help. Plus maybe petitioning your children's schools to do talks on sea safety. I guess it is less of a focus for children living inland but you could be an advocate. Alternatively just hug ds once asleep and be happy that this wasn't your time.

Grandmi · 27/08/2020 00:18

Bless you and you are absolutely traumatised...get some sleep tonight and spend a few days recovering from the horror .!! I was caught in a rip tide in Sydney many years ago ..one minute I was paddling and then suddenly I was literally dragged out ..it really does happen that quickly . Sleep well 💐💕

Justaboy · 27/08/2020 00:19

Silly Sodus here ! Once when i was in a simlar location had a few beers for lunch and jeezz!, that water does look loverly so started swimming and got in a tide thing that i couldn't make any progress back to shore!, was almost done in then being quite tall just tried to stand up to see if it wasnt that deep there, water came up to my chest !! so waded out even so it was difficult going.

Was bollocked by a beach attendant maybe he was a life guard? Dunno now a long time.

Moral of it was it all looked so very innocent;!

Have a look when you feel a bit more settled on how to cope with a Riptide, some vids on Youtube, that swimming along parrelled to the beach seems the way to do it might, just might, come in usefull one day!.

Some sggested a Neon bright coloured swimwear seems a good idea to see him in .

I oftern wondered if there was a market for a pair of swimming trunks or a swimsuit that has an emergency flotation device in it so if you were close be to being done in pull the ripcord and it inflates a sort of boyancy aid device?

Finally repeat after me!

I AM NOT A BAD MUM

Got that:) Have a decnet nights sleep if you arent allready:)

Justaboy · 27/08/2020 00:21

And finally perhaps best not to try to find the people there who saved you and son but make a donation to the RNLI!

Remarkable ordinary people who become superheros when at sea:)

Temporarychange667 · 27/08/2020 00:24

Oh OP what a horrible experience, I'm so pleased you are both safe. That father and his son are heroe x

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