Friend asked DPs salary. Now she's being weird with me. Feeling really hurt

[SauvignonExtraChilled]

Hi,

So my friend and I have known each other for roughly 10 years. We hit it off straight away and even though we don't actually see each other that often, we, I would have said anyway, are very close.

Anyway, over the past 5 or so years, our lives have gone in different directions. She broke up from her long term partner (father of her dc) and since then hasn't been lucky in love, to put it mildly. She also lost her job a year ago and has been on benefits whilst trying to start her own business. I moved away (not that far) and married DP and are financially very comfortable. I have never spoken about money, but it will be obvious I suppose, given we have a bigger house in a more expensive area etc.

Earlier in the year (before covid....those were the days) we were out and had had a few cocktails and she just came out and asked what DP earned. I was a bit taken aback and remember actually blushing, which I don't really do! It wasn't just the fact that she asked me, it was the way that she asked me. I nervously laughed "you can't ask that" to which she replied, "what's the big secret? I want to know how you can afford to live in x". I felt almost compelled and so I told her, which obviously now I regret, but I didn't want to appear secretive or rude, which was almost what she was implying.

Straight away, she looks cold. Almost pissed off actually and said something along the lines of "it's alright for some". I remember feeling really awkward and the night was cut short.

I put it down to too much booze and wasn't going to bring it up and just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened.

Since then though, every time we talk she manages to steer the conversation to the subject of money. It's actually bloody tiring. I feel like I have to watch everything I say now. Don't get me wrong, I was always sensitive and mindful of her situation, so would absolutely never brag, but now I feel like we can't even chat about every day mundane things without her making me feel guilty or spoilt.

I was nearly in tears the last time we spoke, because she asked "how are things in your perfect life then?".

She knows how far from perfect it is. I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC. I would be genuinely over the moon if things were better for her! And I would have been, regardless of my own financial situation.

The strangest thing is, she's always put very little value on money.

I don't want our friendship to fizzle out - I genuinely love her to bits, but if this continues, I can't see how we can continue to be friends.

WWYD? Am I right to be upset? Is this fixable?

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable letting DP fund my lifestyle, but I am very independent and self sufficient.

See I just find that sad. It’s a partnership and life is shared - my DH doesn’t earn a penny but I don’t fund his lifestyle. He brings value to the household (a lot) in non-monetary ways.

@Moreisnnogedag. I agree. We don’t pool all our money but basically our lifestyle is funded by “our” money- we don’t worry about who’s paying for what. Mind you, we’ve been together over 20 years, it can be ( and perhaps should be) different early in a relationship.

Cut your friend some slack. It sounds like she is struggling and money is top of mind. What can you do to help?

Maybe it is frustrating for her seeing women like you have better than average quality of life because of your partner's income. I imagine you feel it is deserved but it could just be you have a better life through getting married to someone who has a good income which is a bit of an odd achievement to claim.

It's a pretty depressing thought that for so many women who are single like her the best way to get a high standard of living is to get a well paid partner. Look around - that's the reality. And thats why the question is always about what DH makes not what you as the woman makes.

Difficult as she shouldn’t have asked and you shouldn’t have said. Going forward, just call her out on it rather than carry on with the awkwardness. There’s not much you can do to change his salary and you don’t need to be apologetic about it.
A very good friend who I’ve known forever once asked me what I earned and I told her; she almost fell off the chair as is more than she and her DH make collectively. Her response was “good for me” as I’ve worked hard to be in that position. She’s a true friend you see though and not one who would ever be jealous and that’s the difference with your friend who it would seem is not.
If she or anyone else asked what DH earned, I wouldn’t share that. It’s not for me to tell and is no one else’s business.

@Biilie82

She might not agree with the fact that you are living and benefiting from your partners money. I know plenty of people who want to make their own way in life and not depend/use their partners money. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable letting DP fund my lifestyle, but I am very independent and self sufficient. Just keep in mind- some ppl will not agree with your situation and that’s ok.

I have to agree with this. Marrying someone who earns a lot isn’t an achievement, doesn’t mean you yourself have done well. Even so, she is being unpleasant to keep making comments. I think you need to confront her head on.

Oh the spiteful comments about it being your Dh money and not your own are finally seeping in to the thread I see

It’s not really her business whether she ‘agrees’ with it or not though. Either way she should keep her nose out.

She might not agree with the fact that you are living and benefiting from your partners money. If this was the case, dump her for being stupid and maybe a wee bit jealous.😂

I'm sorry, when did I say it was "an achievement" of mine? Marrying someone is never an achievement - well off or not. I am very proud of my DP, yes and of course it's lovely not to have to worry so much about money these days and in that sense, I am lucky.

Yes, DP earns much more than me and no, we didn't decide to live in separate houses after we were married because I couldn't afford this house on my own Is that really what some people think should happen?

Tbh, if my friend was judging me on this basis, I would find this much easier to deal with. I wouldn't want someone in my life making me feel like some kind of sponger.

@Waferbiscuit

Cut your friend some slack. It sounds like she is struggling and money is top of mind. What can you do to help?

Maybe it is frustrating for her seeing women like you have better than average quality of life because of your partner's income. I imagine you feel it is deserved but it could just be you have a better life through getting married to someone who has a good income which is a bit of an odd achievement to claim.

It's a pretty depressing thought that for so many women who are single like her the best way to get a high standard of living is to get a well paid partner. Look around - that's the reality. And thats why the question is always about what DH makes not what you as the woman makes.

You say she should "cut her friend some slack" but her friend shouldn't have asked in the first place - why should it matter? I would never ask a friend this question because quite frankly it's none of my business.

'Women like you' what the fuck?

Only on MN. Literally. What is OP supposed to do divorce because her husband earns more than her?

@SauvignonExtraChilled I don’t think it’s rude or odd to talk about salaries with a friend of 10 years, I would talk about this with my long term friends, how much we earn, spend on holidays, food shopping etc, it’s a key topic of an open and close relationship as it affects so many parts of life.

This is not the same as asking say a newish friend but comes with closeness. That said, in this country it can be a bit of a taboo subject that it isn’t in other countries, I don’t know why but it is helpful for people to know from career job perspectives and also what you need to earn to support a particular lifestyle.

It may be that The timing with the conversation is a coincidence And that your friend is just really struggling but after 10 years I think you should be able to explain to her that you feel that since that conversation something has changed between you.However, If I were her I would have been upset that you were not wanting to share such information as I see it as having an open valued friendship, it may be your reaction that has hurt her.

In all the conversations I have had with friends about money it has only been me instigating the sharing earnings conversation once, with that particular group who I was very friendly with and saw daily as we had young pre schoolers, the question was met with awkward silence and I felt sad that (in my eyes) they obviously didn’t see our friendship as close as I did and I was as a bit puzzled. At the time my DH was earning well, I was a SAHM and we were struggling with money so I was genuinely interested to understand how people managed their budgets and what sort of budgets they managed on.

Good luck with your friendship, hope it resolves.

@SerendipityJane & @Staringpoodleplottingrottie I agree, my parents are immigrants (European) & I don't get the attitude to money here. So much secrecy around salaries & you should never discuss money with friends (zoopla sold prices must be cursed 😆). Success is often not celebrated if people "get too big for their boots", which I don't get & then some people thinking have more money or an expensive car makes them better than others which I again don't get.

Not agreeing with someone benefitting from their partner's higher salary and feeling the need to tell them that is much less understandable than being jealous when things are really hard for you.

A friend of mine and I were pretty much equal when we first met, in terms of our own and partners careers though she had lots of family support and I had none.

She often says how she had lots of student debt and no savings. I had no debt and had saved my own deposit.

Over time, her husband went up the career ladder and got a huge promotion. My partner had his own business which collapsed leaving us in a lot of debt.

What my friend didn't have to do when our lives went into such opposite directions was every time I went to see her, show me what had been done to the house, every little thing, every holiday, meal out I got the full picture. We are just on the verge of it all collapsing. She still had the same job, it was all on her partners promotion but boy did she make it clear we were no longer equal.

Sometimes, I'd wonder at the luck or decisions we both had but they were just that, the cards we were dealt and how we played them.

That was a card she didn't have to play.

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable letting DP fund my lifestyle, but I am very independent and self sufficient. Just keep in mind- some ppl will not agree with your situation and that’s ok. Do you mean people think the OP should divorce her dh because he earns more money than her, or should she not have been "allowed" to marry him in the first place? Or should he not be "allowed" to share his money with his dw? I confused about why other people feel they would need to agree or disagree about the OP's situation? Surely the only two people needing to agree are the OP and her dh.

@morriseysquif, well she sounds completely insensitive and thoughtless. I don't think it necessarily matters whether it was her or her DP who made the money though. It's insensitive regardless. Had she got the big promotion, it would still be shitty behaviour to brag about holidays etc whilst she knew you were struggling.

@Petronas, I'm struggling to understand this too. Also slightly resent the "women like you" comment. Perhaps I should move out to the shed, as that's more what my salary could afford

I'm not "living off" DP. We are a partnership. We both bring different things.

Unfortunately more people seem to be obsessed about money and wealth thesedays. But it's hard not to feel jealous sometimes when you are struggling financially so others seem to have it so 'easy'. I'd back off for a bit and let the dust settle then when you see her after things have calmed down, maybe you could mention how rude you felt she was and how uncomfortable the digs about money made you feel.she obv doesn't realise that everyone has their own problems, even the wealthier ones!

Tough one. I can understand both perspectives but would always keep my earnings to myself. Sharing that kind of information is never going to lead to a good outcome. However, having graduated with a good qualification that should have lead to a financially secure outcome, I made the mistake of marrying a guy who was not a good match for me, ended up a single parent without any/very little(think double digits a month for two children)financial support from him and very occasionally I feel the burn of that mistake. If I was foolish enough to ask a clearly well off friend what their husband earned, it would be my own failure that would make me behave in a somewhat similar way to your friend. They may be having a hard time accepting the consequences of the choices they have made.

@SauvignonExtraChilled. I hope you’re settling in nicely in the shed. We don’t have one, but I suppose I could consider the garage as DH earns more than me. It wasn’t always the case...perhaps we should’ve taken turns living in the garage, depending on our salaries.🤣

I'm going to take a slightly different tack to most people. It depends what you really want. If you want permission from MN to dump her for being a pain, then that's really fine. Her jealousy sounds tedious and her happiness is not your responsibility. But, if you really do want to salvage a ten year friendship, and help your friend, then you need to move beyond your completely understandable irritation. She's obviously very, very unhappy and from your description of her circumstances, who could blame her? It sounds like she's so upset that she's subconsciously driving you away. The contrast between her life and yours is obviously very painful to her and maybe she feels like you might look down on her (you sound lovely, and I'm sure you wouldn't, but her self esteem is clearly rock bottom.) Maybe as you are in a much better situation you could cut her some slack, Is there any way you could make her feel better about herself, and valued? Eg when she says something resentful, perhaps say: 'Yes I'm lucky. I really admire the way you..whatever.' Make it clear to her you respect her for fighting her battles and keeping on every day, and how much you love her to bits - tell her. Are there things you could do to help - not money, but if she's a single mum could you offer other support? Sounds like she really needs to know she's loved and that someone is in her corner.
I'm slightly in your friend's position in that I have had a very hard time recently - not financial, serious illness - whilst my bff has been on cloud nine. I am happy for her and would never, ever make comments like your friend does, but I have had the odd pang, like why couldn't I have a bit of the good luck come my way? I can understand some of the feelings she has. It's not so much begrudging others, as the feeling of how rubbish one's own life is in comparison. Friendship is very valuable and jealousy is very human. I hope you can work it out.

Good post @TrixieMixie

Do you mean people think the OP should divorce her dh because he earns more money than her, or should she not have been "allowed" to marry him in the first place? Or should he not be "allowed" to share his money with his dw? I confused about why other people feel they would need to agree or disagree about the OP's situation? Surely the only two people needing to agree are the OP and her dh.

Where did anyone say about not being ‘allowed’ to marry someone.
Completely missed the point- some people prefer not to rely on others money and wage. I’d prefer to have less and know I worked for it, be proud and that nobody could take it away from me.
I’m saying people have different values and there is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like some of the mums on this thread live off their partners/ husbands money and they are obviously comfortable doing this. Personally I just wouldn’t find it rewarding 🤷‍♀️
Everyone is different 🤷‍♀️

Have you eye rolled, deep sighed and said, 'This AGAIN Mary? Do you realise you have brought up money 7 times since I got here?'

Even if a person has decided they're entitled to strong feelings about other people's financial arrangements within relationships, there's simply no excuse for then making snide comments about it to someone who doesn't meet their preferred standards. If that was the reason for this outburst, it would make the friend's conduct worse not better.