Friend asked DPs salary. Now she's being weird with me. Feeling really hurt

[SauvignonExtraChilled]

Hi,

So my friend and I have known each other for roughly 10 years. We hit it off straight away and even though we don't actually see each other that often, we, I would have said anyway, are very close.

Anyway, over the past 5 or so years, our lives have gone in different directions. She broke up from her long term partner (father of her dc) and since then hasn't been lucky in love, to put it mildly. She also lost her job a year ago and has been on benefits whilst trying to start her own business. I moved away (not that far) and married DP and are financially very comfortable. I have never spoken about money, but it will be obvious I suppose, given we have a bigger house in a more expensive area etc.

Earlier in the year (before covid....those were the days) we were out and had had a few cocktails and she just came out and asked what DP earned. I was a bit taken aback and remember actually blushing, which I don't really do! It wasn't just the fact that she asked me, it was the way that she asked me. I nervously laughed "you can't ask that" to which she replied, "what's the big secret? I want to know how you can afford to live in x". I felt almost compelled and so I told her, which obviously now I regret, but I didn't want to appear secretive or rude, which was almost what she was implying.

Straight away, she looks cold. Almost pissed off actually and said something along the lines of "it's alright for some". I remember feeling really awkward and the night was cut short.

I put it down to too much booze and wasn't going to bring it up and just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened.

Since then though, every time we talk she manages to steer the conversation to the subject of money. It's actually bloody tiring. I feel like I have to watch everything I say now. Don't get me wrong, I was always sensitive and mindful of her situation, so would absolutely never brag, but now I feel like we can't even chat about every day mundane things without her making me feel guilty or spoilt.

I was nearly in tears the last time we spoke, because she asked "how are things in your perfect life then?".

She knows how far from perfect it is. I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC. I would be genuinely over the moon if things were better for her! And I would have been, regardless of my own financial situation.

The strangest thing is, she's always put very little value on money.

I don't want our friendship to fizzle out - I genuinely love her to bits, but if this continues, I can't see how we can continue to be friends.

WWYD? Am I right to be upset? Is this fixable?

This is all so difficult. In hindsight, you could have done that tinkly little laugh and said "You'll have to ask him yourself!"

But seriously. When you're very hard up and nothing seems to be going right in life, everything has £ signs on it. Even friendship. When you're hard up you notice that your friend is always suggesting eating at her house, or if you suggest elsewhere, she insists on buying the round or picking up the tab. It's hard not to feel inferior and beholden, so

Also maybe you could 'treat' her occasionally? I know it's not your fault she's broke - but if you had the money could you occasionally get a round in, pay for a spa day or something?

really isn't going to cut it but rather rubs salt into the wound.

The wound isn't the wound in friendship so much as the wound of poverty and what society does to people as a result.

Don't know what to suggest, SauvignonExtraChilled. I've been on both sides of this, and now on the lucky side. My less lucky and perennially and very resentful brother treats our household like a bank. He and I never talk about money. But my harder-up friends have drifted away of their own accord. The only time anyone asked how much our household earned I laughed 'Oh fuck off!' and she did.

I work for the DWP and know how much a single parent with child maintenance is on at an estimation of the situation, unless she is also doing permitted work.

Surely it wouldn't be enough for cocktail nights though? I guess it depends on maintenance - I don't think that's taken into account is it? So some single Mums won't have a spare penny yet others can afford to go out occasionally.

Are you 100 per cent sure this issue exists?

I say this as someone with MH issues and it can be very, very easy to imagine/ over analyse and create something where there's actually nothing.

Just a thought.

Next time she gets weird with you just say "what the fuck is your problem?" I mean what exactly does she want, you and your husband to financially support her?

There isn't any coming back from this really. She can't forget what you have told her and the disparity between you, that she will always feel will never go away.
Unless you want to be constantly racked with guilt, self loathing and angry towards her then you need to let the relationship fizzle out and move on.
None of this is your fault but she is projecting it all onto you.

Ah you sound really nice, and honestly your friend has a massive chip on her shoulder. Next time she makes a snide remark, call her out on it kindly but firmly, and say you've noticed she often makes unkind or unhelpful remarks about you being well off, and it is making you feel very down hearted. Yoh should point out that if she suddenly won the lottery, you wouldn't be horrible to her about it, youd be happy that her life was going well, because that is what friends do - they celebrate each other's success and good fortune, and they support each other in harder times.

Depending on how she reacts, I'd decide whether to call it a day on the friendship. If she is remorseful or has no clue she was being so catty, then forgive her and move on. If she gets huffy or defensive, then it is the end of a beautiful friendship, I'm afraid.

I think the sort of miserable attitude she is displaying to you, ie not being happy when her best friend has done well, is probably part of the reason why she herself has suffered in recent years. If she cannot be happy for her best friend when she is successful, it hardly sounds like a winning personality for attracting a nice DP or indeed keeping colleagues and bosses happy with her at work. She would do herself a lot of good by being a bit more grateful for others success.

On the other hand, I have similarly got a friend who was through hell for some time, and I dealt with that by paying most times we went out for more than a coffee. Ie if it was two coffees I'd say something like "think it's your turn to pay" while if it was dinner I'd say "it's my turn today". Is your friend maybe just expecting a bit of a subsidy which she knows you can afford?

I'd bin her off. My DH has a very good job and earns a lot of money but me, I've probably had one of the toughest lives in my acquaintance. My nice house makes up for it a bit, but I'd swap it in a heartbeat to change some of my current circumstances.

Don't ever tell people about your money.
I've had a year of shit off someone after they discovered I had some cash in the bank. The green eyed monster is a twat.

You can laugh, that is exactly what a friend of mine did when her partner left her in dire financial straits. She frightened him half to death

Ok, best anecdote of the thread!

She simply does not sound a very pleasant person. Not a true friend. She has changed and not for the better.
Jealousy is a killer. If she cannot handle your little bits of happiness, she is no friend.

I reckon these jealous and nasty character traits might be behind her broken relationships and lost job. No one wants to be around a person that cannot rejoice in their friends' and team mates' success. She needs to change her attitude or she'll find herself more and more isolated in life.

For you, it could be worth considering helping her out during this difficult time whenever you meet. I have a friend who went through hell for a while and was nowhere near as financially secure as myself. Rather than either of us making this into a problem, I'd find a way to pay for our dinners out, while if we were catching up for a coffee it would be "her turn to pay". Elegant solution where no one feels embarrassed for never paying, and I certainly didn't suffer due to paying £20 more here or there.

It could be she is hoping for something like this and disappointed you can't see how she is struggling financially. May be worth trying before you launch into her about being jealous.

@SauvignonExtraChilled
I wonder if things are rough with the business and she is just a bit overwhelmed and jealous at how comfortable and carefree your life is at the moment?
I think it is easy for people to become bitter as life delivers blow after blow. I can see how it can be rather fastidious and even hurt you that she makes those comments, but maybe next time she says something like that make it about her, for example: “I know, I’m fortunate that things are comfortable now, I remember how it was when I was on jobseekers’ allowance. You’re so brave for managing a business, how is that coming along?”
Or words to that effect.
Think about what you love about her: if it’s worth bringing her to her senses, do it.

I’ve been in this situation, I’m sorry to say that the friendship has since ended. I don’t think anybody should be made to feel guilty about how little or how much they earn... I felt like I was always explaining away holidays or not working full time. It is exhausting, I just started to distance myself from the other person. It was really tough, but I also think my DH pointed out that I spent hours (after speaking to this old friend) trying to avoid talking about anything to do with money- but we also had comments like “ Some of us have to work...” I prefer to have peace of mind. I feel much happier now that I’m no longer in touch with this other person. We are all on separate paths, not better, just different. I hope she finds love and you are able to surround yourself with people that celebrate you. Please do not feel guilty about doing well for yourself. All the best. :)

This is all slightly depressing. It’s not even your money, not worth falling out about. You can’t really brag about your husband’s salary - he can I suppose.

This is horrible. I’m not really sure if talking to her will do much good. She seems to feel bitter and angry and is projecting it into you. I would stay in touch but keep my distance for a while. Let her work it out, I think this will have a much stronger affect on her.

A true friend wouldn't be jealous> she shouldn't have asked

I meant to add something sort of similar happened to me recently- one of my best friends and I were talking about gyms and I mentioned the one we were going to join. I a rather patronising ish way she said mmm but it’s very very expensive. I blurted it out oh god it’s fine dh earns X amount every month. Since then she hasn’t been horrible, just distant. The funny thing is she’s well off and I’ve always been the poor one. I don’t think she realised my life had changed and we are v comfortable. It feels as if she liked me as I was before.

@SerendipityJane

I have a couple of friends from mainland Europe and both talk openly about money/salaries etc .... I find it quite refreshing.

And I'd wager the pay differential between the sexes is smaller than the UKs.

I know it's boring, and women probably don't really want equal pay anyway. But inventing a culture of "not talking about it" seems to me to be a great way for men to stay on top.

Totally agree with this. I’m born and raised in the UK (although have a European background) and I’ve never understood the secrecy around salaries and money. Of course bragging or rubbing people’s noses in your wealth is out of order, but I can’t imagine being offended if someone asked my salary the other day. A friend in the pub recently asked my budget for buying a flat, I told her, didn’t cross my mind to be affronted! In my organisation we can easily look up other people’s salaries because the job roles are in bands and you can use the staff portal to search any other member of staff and see what band they’re in and the salary range. I much prefer it this way.

It could be a mixture of jealousy of your happy life with your other half and money. Not even deliberately, it could be subconscious with her and she doesn't even realise what she is doing and how she is making you feel. Your security whilst she is struggling is creating insecurity in herself and she is projecting it.

YANBU.

She shouldn't have asked and you shouldn't have answered her but you know that.... you now also know your friend a bit better and she's not as nice as you thought so do you still want this friendship?

The next time she gets into her stride just say: I'm sorry X but I need to stop you right there. Ever since I told you how much DH earns you've been awful to me and I'm sick of the bitchy remarks. My life isn't perfect as you well know and money doesn't solve everything. I'm sorry your life isn't going in the right direction right now but I refuse to be your emotional punchbag so I'm going to put the phone down now to give you time to digest what I've just said and until you can apologise and stop with this behaviour kindly don't contact me.

Right now, if she doesn't ring you back you've lost nothing.

She will be upset with you initially because no one likes being brought up short but hopefully she calm down and reflect.

I don't know how I would get past this. If she stops the nasty comments, she'll still think them.

You could send her a direct message saying:
You were very insistent in wanting to know my DP's salary. I would like to know why you have since made so many nasty remarks towards me (for example, how's everything in your perfect life). I didn't brag about it, you really wanted to know.

She might not agree with the fact that you are living and benefiting from your partners money. I know plenty of people who want to make their own way in life and not depend/use their partners money.
Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable letting DP fund my lifestyle, but I am very independent and self sufficient.
Just keep in mind- some ppl will not agree with your situation and that’s ok.

To be honest I have been cripplingly broke and let everyone around me know how hard it was ,but never to make them feel bad about their lives (with the aim of being the one they passed over the leftover food from the "bring and share lunches " mainly pmsl) . I never begrudged anyone success , however jealous I was. Smiled despite jealousy . Friends get over it. Poor or not. You've probably been skint before. You said you have not had it easy. Good friends would take this into account , but perhaps she is too depressed and wrapped up in her own situation to care.