Friend asked DPs salary. Now she's being weird with me. Feeling really hurt

[SauvignonExtraChilled]

Hi,

So my friend and I have known each other for roughly 10 years. We hit it off straight away and even though we don't actually see each other that often, we, I would have said anyway, are very close.

Anyway, over the past 5 or so years, our lives have gone in different directions. She broke up from her long term partner (father of her dc) and since then hasn't been lucky in love, to put it mildly. She also lost her job a year ago and has been on benefits whilst trying to start her own business. I moved away (not that far) and married DP and are financially very comfortable. I have never spoken about money, but it will be obvious I suppose, given we have a bigger house in a more expensive area etc.

Earlier in the year (before covid....those were the days) we were out and had had a few cocktails and she just came out and asked what DP earned. I was a bit taken aback and remember actually blushing, which I don't really do! It wasn't just the fact that she asked me, it was the way that she asked me. I nervously laughed "you can't ask that" to which she replied, "what's the big secret? I want to know how you can afford to live in x". I felt almost compelled and so I told her, which obviously now I regret, but I didn't want to appear secretive or rude, which was almost what she was implying.

Straight away, she looks cold. Almost pissed off actually and said something along the lines of "it's alright for some". I remember feeling really awkward and the night was cut short.

I put it down to too much booze and wasn't going to bring it up and just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened.

Since then though, every time we talk she manages to steer the conversation to the subject of money. It's actually bloody tiring. I feel like I have to watch everything I say now. Don't get me wrong, I was always sensitive and mindful of her situation, so would absolutely never brag, but now I feel like we can't even chat about every day mundane things without her making me feel guilty or spoilt.

I was nearly in tears the last time we spoke, because she asked "how are things in your perfect life then?".

She knows how far from perfect it is. I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC. I would be genuinely over the moon if things were better for her! And I would have been, regardless of my own financial situation.

The strangest thing is, she's always put very little value on money.

I don't want our friendship to fizzle out - I genuinely love her to bits, but if this continues, I can't see how we can continue to be friends.

WWYD? Am I right to be upset? Is this fixable?

@SerendipityJane - now that you mention it - yes.

It really has become taboo to talk about money here in the UK.

wow , she's really using that information as a stick to hit you with isn't she
i get that she is having a bad time but that's not your fault
tell her straight that you are not going to listen to that shit any more

[quote jewel1968]@SerendipityJane - now that you mention it - yes.

It really has become taboo to talk about money here in the UK.[/quote]
Now ask yourself: who does that benefit ? Sure as hell ain't women being paid 20+% less for doing the same jobs is it ?

Still, any male chauvinists reading this thread will go away relieved and emboldened. No danger of change anytime soon. So at least 49% of the population are OK about it.

There is a grim irony in a country where money means so much, that people don't like talking about it.

@serendipityJane I agree. I have on a few occasions told people at work that I can't afford X or Y and there is noticeable discomfort. When did that happen? Are we all pretending money (or the lack of) doesn't exist in the real world.

[quote jewel1968]@serendipityJane I agree. I have on a few occasions told people at work that I can't afford X or Y and there is noticeable discomfort. When did that happen? Are we all pretending money (or the lack of) doesn't exist in the real world.[/quote]
No. But we (well not me) are all pretending that men and women are being paid equally.

All of this "don't talk about salary" bollocks is all about preserving male pride. Because that is important. Much more important than equality or fairness.

[quote SauvignonExtraChilled]@Bluntness100, I 100% have never bragged. I loath bragging. I'm not saying I couldn't have unintentionally said something insensitive, but as pp have said, it's probably quite difficult not to do that when your lives are currently very difficult.

Trying to find a solution. I don't want money to come between us. I know some will say that it's not that that's coming between us, it's her, but I really value her friendship and actually one of the things that I really admired about her was her disinterest in status and material things. So why on earth would she be jealous?

I just can't work it out.[/quote]
Have you ever been on benefits, OP?

People tend to get a whole load more interested in status and material things when you don't have them anymore.

I've had tough times and I admit to have been jealous of friends doing better BUT, I had to accept it was my problem and not the fault of said friends who were lovely, hard working, talented, not at all goady, sensitive to my situation and very generous on nights out and with gifts. If you can say the same about yourself, OP, then the problem is definitely with your friend. She needs to snap out of it if she wants to remain friends. I had a friend like this who made CONSTANT waspish comments about money. The irony is that at one time herself and her DH were making nearly three times what myself and DH made but no matter how much they earn, they spend three times as much. Their finances are a mess and she is constantly borrowing from her ILs to pay the mortgage and then makes nasty comments to me about our life. She is now an acquaintance. Your life is too short to be apologising for it to other people.

Employers love that we don’t talk about our salaries, as it means we can’t compare salaries.

It’s only when I started gossiping about our salaries with colleagues that my salary went up by 20k over 3 years.

@MitziK, yes I have and it was tough. Not with my ex, but with my current DP. Only for about 6 months to a year (job seekers) so I do understand somewhat, but of course I take into consideration that it must be tougher the older you get. I suspect she feels as though she's going backwards in life, which is a really scary, shitty feeling.

It is an extra kick in the teeth though, when I think of all the help I have given her over the last few years. I've always been there for her. Always.

It bloody hurts.

a genuine friend would be happy if you are prospering, even if they're not - so long as you're not smug about it.

If it's a breach of contract to disclose salary it probably means that people paid unequally. I have no issue with people at work asking my salary, though I'm a teacher so it's in public record. People should ask, to check it's a fair wage. Or if they're thinking of taking up that job then people might ask the salary, see if it fits their budget or needs. But asking a partners salary, then being all wierd about it is a bit off. Talk to your friend, see if she can get over her jealousy. If not I'm sorry but some people can't cope with differences in income

She's jealous, I've been there, and been on your side of it too, and its horrible both ways.
It sounds like from her POV you have it all, and when you're feeling low, its so easy to play 'The Grass is Greener' game, which is sucky for you.
You do need to confront her though...tell her how you have felt wrong-footed ever since you bought up your partners earnings, how it upsets you to think its hurt her in some way, and let this woman know that while you value her friendship, it cannot carry on like this because no-one is benefitting at this moment.
If you explain it to her, then the ball is in her court, and you will have done all you can. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for what you and your husband work for, especially by someone who is supposed to be a mate. xxx

Sorry, she’s not a friend, she is jealous.

It’s incredibly rude to ask how much someone else earns and really, you should have refused to tell her. I don’t even ask my sons or brothers how much they earn! I am also on benefits trying to start my own business but don’t feel in the least bit envious of others because I would rather be poor than join the millions of commuters who often have very little time for themselves. I love being single and doing my own thing.

Has she always been the envious type? If not, she sounds like she's going through a hard time and is turning a bit bitter. You do need to call her out on it, for all you know it could clear the air, perhaps she doesn't realise how she's acting or how dark her thoughts are turning.

You shouldn't write off a friendship without saying something.

One of the loveliest people I know met a man and fell in love. He turned out to be eye WATERINGLY wealthy although she didnt know at first. They married and it's been so nice to see her free of financial worry. I am genuinely bloody delighted for her. She can afford to do things I can't. So what? That's life. They have worries elsewhere in life that money can't resolve. Like everyone else. Your friend isn't a friend. Sorry.

Unfortunately I do feel for you, I get this from one member of our family and they can't let the subject go every time we meet. It gets very tiring.

The advice of talking about it is great, however I have had very bad experiences when confronting people head on about issues and have become aware that doing so can lead to even worse behaviour or and end to the friendship.

If it was me now, I would probably just lower contact as it's too tiring and disappointing to deal with people like that.

Those criticising OP for answering- some people are just built like that. I am. My upbringing was controlling and abusive and one of the consequences is that I am almost incapable of not answering a question if someone pushes me. I hate it.

OP I would be straight with her but I wouldnt go as far as others. If it was me, next time she said anything i would just say 'honestly, you need to let this go. My life is far from perfect and I realise I'm lucky to be financially secure but you bringing it up all the time is awkward and unfair. Please can you just let it go?

Then see what she says.

@BinkyBoinky, no, not at all. That's what's so confusing. She could never understand why people needed any more than enough food on the table and a roof over your head. She is the least materialistic person I know. She's always been a kind, easy going, live and let live type. She has people in her family who are well off and I've never detected a hint of jealousy.

The way she's behaving isn't ok but in some ways it sounds like she's having a really rough time. People say money can't buy happiness but it sure as hell gives you choices, and the relentless bleak grind of poverty is something is hard to emphasise with unless you've been there.

Money is a tricky subject amongst friends. I keep my mouth shut but inwardly I have a few big bears. Self employed people who moan about being skint but have the skills and qualifications to get a job that pays. They just don't want to. My sister is like this, lives a hand to mouth existence and relies on a lot of hand outs from my parents. Previously she was earning £35k a year, which where she lives is ample for a decent lifestyle. However as she dislikes "being managed" she refuses to get a job so went she starts moaning about being skint I disengage. Also people with thousands of pounds in savings who complain they don't have much cash, they do, they just don't want to spend it.

I'd be upfront with her op, it was a rude question but equally this be British don't speak about money thing just perpetuates inequality. It's also pretty clear what people's incomes area like from their lifestyle usually!

She is blatantly jealous , I've had this all my life and I'm not even what I'd call rich .. people are so weird when you are successful and they are not .. IME nothing will change , it will fester and she will take every chance to bring you down behind your back probably ! 🙄

It sounds like the friendship has run its course and I think having it out with her at the point will achieve little other than more vitriol. I think your lives are too different now and you only seem to be causing each other pain. I would just let it go and slowly fade her out.

People are sometimes strange. I have noticed reasonably frequently that it’s the people who claim not to be materialistic blah blah who appear to get the most jealous when finances and lifestyle come up in convo. It’s like they use not being materialistic as some form of denial about what they really want.

Friendships often don’t last forever as people and circumstances change. This one is turning toxic as she is fixating on the fact you are wealthier than her. You can either address it directly with her (and she may get defensive and offended if you do) or just let the friendship go as she will just make you feel guilty at no fault of your own.

I think this is more common in friendships than we realise. My friend has a very troubled daughter, social workers and police in attendance . I distanced myself when she told me that she and her husband often wondered why my daughter seemed so calm when theirs was not. (My children's father died leaving sime financial difficulties behind which she knew) Inequalities do arise in the best of friendships and not everyone can manage them.

Also, just to add, I've had friends in the past who I've decided to let go because they were very braggy and showy about their money. One in particular, who I only ever knew with money, but one day I'd just had enough. All her friends were the same. It was never just their "kitchen" it was their "40k kitchen". It was never just their "car", it was their "merc". I always said if I was ever well off, I would never do that.

So I'm extra conscious not to be.....well, a dick.