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Original poster

Friend asked DPs salary. Now she's being weird with me. Feeling really hurt

237 replies

SauvignonExtraChilled · 17/08/2020 18:12

Hi,

So my friend and I have known each other for roughly 10 years. We hit it off straight away and even though we don't actually see each other that often, we, I would have said anyway, are very close.

Anyway, over the past 5 or so years, our lives have gone in different directions. She broke up from her long term partner (father of her dc) and since then hasn't been lucky in love, to put it mildly. She also lost her job a year ago and has been on benefits whilst trying to start her own business. I moved away (not that far) and married DP and are financially very comfortable. I have never spoken about money, but it will be obvious I suppose, given we have a bigger house in a more expensive area etc.

Earlier in the year (before covid....those were the days) we were out and had had a few cocktails and she just came out and asked what DP earned. I was a bit taken aback and remember actually blushing, which I don't really do! It wasn't just the fact that she asked me, it was the way that she asked me. I nervously laughed "you can't ask that" to which she replied, "what's the big secret? I want to know how you can afford to live in x". I felt almost compelled and so I told her, which obviously now I regret, but I didn't want to appear secretive or rude, which was almost what she was implying.

Straight away, she looks cold. Almost pissed off actually and said something along the lines of "it's alright for some". I remember feeling really awkward and the night was cut short.

I put it down to too much booze and wasn't going to bring it up and just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened.

Since then though, every time we talk she manages to steer the conversation to the subject of money. It's actually bloody tiring. I feel like I have to watch everything I say now. Don't get me wrong, I was always sensitive and mindful of her situation, so would absolutely never brag, but now I feel like we can't even chat about every day mundane things without her making me feel guilty or spoilt.

I was nearly in tears the last time we spoke, because she asked "how are things in your perfect life then?".

She knows how far from perfect it is. I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC. I would be genuinely over the moon if things were better for her! And I would have been, regardless of my own financial situation.

The strangest thing is, she's always put very little value on money.

I don't want our friendship to fizzle out - I genuinely love her to bits, but if this continues, I can't see how we can continue to be friends.

WWYD? Am I right to be upset? Is this fixable?

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 17/08/2020 19:02

Given you've been friends for 10 years, I'd just straight up ask her what her problem is. My friends and I all have widely different incomes and situations. I'm married with dh, sahm mum, comfortable financially. My two best friends, one engaged both work full time comfortable. Other best friend, part time single with probably a quarter the income we have. However it has never affected our friendships, and there's never been an ounce of jealousy. We just respect that we're each at different points in life but it doesn't change who we are as people.
You need to just get to the bottom of what's wrong with her, and if she's a true friend she'll get over it. If she doesn't then you know she isn't a friend you want to have.

CambsAlways · 17/08/2020 19:05

To be honest you might have known she would react like that she’s on benefits , I would never ever tell ANYONE how much my husband earned, you were very silly to do that, it doesn’t make it right how she is behaving of course though, she’s very jealous and taking it out of you

SerendipityJane · 17/08/2020 19:06

Just to be the dissenting voice, it's this faux secrecy around salaries that perpetuates women being paid less.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
bugsinarow · 17/08/2020 19:06

She obviously feels really shit about her life and herself.

we can't even chat about every day mundane things Things that are mundane to you, may not be for her anymore - they may be things she really needs to save for or has to forego. That's the thing with being poor.

You won't be able to understand how she feels or how her life is if you haven't lived with failure and poverty. All the problems you have had are easier to deal with with money. They just are. I've been affluent and piss poor. I am keenly aware of what a protective shield money is for just about everything life throws at you.

No, its not your fault her life has turned to crap, but if she is unable to see you without it causing her pain about how her life is, it may be that the relationship can't really continue.

MeMyselfAye · 17/08/2020 19:07

Jealousy, I had similar with a family member when they asked how much savings I had, I was uncomfortable but honest. Whilst it’s a decent figure you would have thought I was a lotto winner with their reaction 🙄

AKissAndASmile · 17/08/2020 19:07

many employment contracts do not allow the figure to be disclosed.

Ive learnt on Mumsnet that these clauses in employment contracts are actually unenforceable because under the Equality Act 2010 hiding salaries means people can't see if they are being paid less than their counterparts due to a protected characteristic.

AKissAndASmile · 17/08/2020 19:08

Today 19:06SerendipityJane

Just to be the dissenting voice, it's this faux secrecy around salaries that perpetuates women being paid less.
Absolutely

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 17/08/2020 19:08

She’s wrong to hold it against you. Comparison is the thief of joy. But you were wrong to tell her. I’d have changed the subject or say you don’t know. Or lie.

It does sound like she is struggling but the money issue may have put a wedge too big to succumb.

Personally I would give this friendship a bit of breathing space and go no contact for a while.

killerofmen · 17/08/2020 19:09

Don't you work? I'd be pissed off at someone for assuming that my DH was the breadwinner. I agree with pp that we should talk about salaries more but better our own than our husbands'.

FreezerBird · 17/08/2020 19:10

Ask her what she'd like you to do about it.

FuckyNel · 17/08/2020 19:11

We need to know how much he earns Grin

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 17/08/2020 19:13

@killerofmen

Don't you work? I'd be pissed off at someone for assuming that my DH was the breadwinner. I agree with pp that we should talk about salaries more but better our own than our husbands'.
Agree with this. I’d be pissed off too if I suddenly moved to an expensive area etc and someone assumed it was because of my husband’s income. She is acting like a dick, but I don’t think she was wrong to ask or that you were wrong to tell her. This culture of salaries being the last taboo to discuss is ridiculous and only leads people to be paid less. Everyone should be comfortable being open about money. Between me and my friends this wouldn’t be a weird question - but we’d ask each other’s salaries not our partners!
category12 · 17/08/2020 19:14

Maybe she thinks you could throw money at solutions for your problems and has lost patience with you? If you've "had it tough" for a long time, could she have felt that you leant on her too much and didn't reciprocate enough?

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 17/08/2020 19:14

@PotteringAlong

You need to tell her to stop and you need to tell her straight. And point out that if she doesn’t stop then you cannot carry on being friends with her.
Be blunt.

Text

Dear friend, everytime we talk you steer the conversation around to money. You have been doing this since you asked what DP earnt back in January and you very blunt and rude about asking and when you were told having pressurised me when it was none of your business -you made a snide comment. Since then -you talk about "my perfect life" despite knowing the struggles with my MH and other stuff etc and to be honest I'm fed up of the snide comments -really fed up. If this is going to continue I'd rather leave our friendship alone and remember the good times. So either pack it in - as no one has a "perfect life" I was to be your friend and encourage each other and value each other and encourage each other but the snide comments must stop.

BikeTyson · 17/08/2020 19:14

She sounds like a knob.

PatronSaint · 17/08/2020 19:15

The next time she says anything I'd say "Oh fuck off Mary, you know I don't have a perfect life. You were down right rude asking me how much dh earned and you put me in an awkward position, and you've been rude ever since. I suggest you don't ask questions you don't want answers to in future. Know this though that from now on if you want to be friends you need to stop with the digs about money and my life or I am done because you are showing a really shitty side to yourself at the moment and I am sick of it"

Exactly whar @CalmdownJanet said.

Backtobasics5 · 17/08/2020 19:17

This is all a bit odd regardless of you stating what your DH earns. She would kind of know roughly and to say you have known each other quite some time. Maybe just be blunt next time and say speaking about money makes you feel uncomfortable OP.

Nomorepies · 17/08/2020 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

SausageCrush · 17/08/2020 19:20

Yes CalmDownJanet nailed it.

FunTimes2020 · 17/08/2020 19:20

@Xenia

In my view you breached your husband's privacy rights and broke the law by disclosing his salary unless he had given you consent and his employer allows it - many employment contracts do not allow the figure to be disclosed. People need to think very carefully before disclosing this - the husband might lose his job for the figure getting out and the individual disclosing the information might be in trouble for breach of data protection law and breach of confidentiality.
Oh come on! Hmm
IsaLain · 17/08/2020 19:21

@Xenia

A company cannot stop you discussing salary. It doesnt matter what they put in the employment contract; it's not enforceable. All a company can do is stop you discussing a salary on company time or on company property. They cannot prevent you from discussing it outside of work.

He would need to have signed a separate NDA.

CrazyToast · 17/08/2020 19:21

She is jealous and being unreasonable. However I will say that I understand it. If many things are going wrong in her life and she is struggling, she might get bitter if she thinks you have it all on a plate. She is not really having a go at you, but is angry about her own circumstances. Doesnt make it right though and you should tell her off for it.

Leafyhouse · 17/08/2020 19:21

The thing is, when you're hungry, all you can think about is food. When you're cold, all you can think about is getting warm - sod the lovely weather, the healthy kids etc. She's broke - and all she can think about is money.

It's not really a reflection of your friendship - she desperately needs money. Can you help her to get some? Talk to someone about a new job opportunity maybe? Or just ask her what you can do to help?

WaitingForEgg · 17/08/2020 19:22

She sounds deeply unhappy. I think this is a case of it’s not you it’s her. Her life isn’t going well and she’s jealous. I doubt she means it cruelly. You definitely need to say something to her

Jux · 17/08/2020 19:23

Yes, be honest. It's tiring and it's boring and if she's so completely stuck on the idea that after an awful lot of problems your life is actually improving and it's pissing her off, then what friendship is there between you?