Friend asked DPs salary. Now she's being weird with me. Feeling really hurt

[SauvignonExtraChilled]

Hi,

So my friend and I have known each other for roughly 10 years. We hit it off straight away and even though we don't actually see each other that often, we, I would have said anyway, are very close.

Anyway, over the past 5 or so years, our lives have gone in different directions. She broke up from her long term partner (father of her dc) and since then hasn't been lucky in love, to put it mildly. She also lost her job a year ago and has been on benefits whilst trying to start her own business. I moved away (not that far) and married DP and are financially very comfortable. I have never spoken about money, but it will be obvious I suppose, given we have a bigger house in a more expensive area etc.

Earlier in the year (before covid....those were the days) we were out and had had a few cocktails and she just came out and asked what DP earned. I was a bit taken aback and remember actually blushing, which I don't really do! It wasn't just the fact that she asked me, it was the way that she asked me. I nervously laughed "you can't ask that" to which she replied, "what's the big secret? I want to know how you can afford to live in x". I felt almost compelled and so I told her, which obviously now I regret, but I didn't want to appear secretive or rude, which was almost what she was implying.

Straight away, she looks cold. Almost pissed off actually and said something along the lines of "it's alright for some". I remember feeling really awkward and the night was cut short.

I put it down to too much booze and wasn't going to bring it up and just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened.

Since then though, every time we talk she manages to steer the conversation to the subject of money. It's actually bloody tiring. I feel like I have to watch everything I say now. Don't get me wrong, I was always sensitive and mindful of her situation, so would absolutely never brag, but now I feel like we can't even chat about every day mundane things without her making me feel guilty or spoilt.

I was nearly in tears the last time we spoke, because she asked "how are things in your perfect life then?".

She knows how far from perfect it is. I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC. I would be genuinely over the moon if things were better for her! And I would have been, regardless of my own financial situation.

The strangest thing is, she's always put very little value on money.

I don't want our friendship to fizzle out - I genuinely love her to bits, but if this continues, I can't see how we can continue to be friends.

WWYD? Am I right to be upset? Is this fixable?

If somebody asks questions about money or how much something is worth give a big shrug of the shoulders and say ...NO IDEA.. in a way that lets them know you do know but don’t want to discuss it. Either that or say my father says it’s rude to talk about money so I never do, sorry.

Simples

She shouldn't have asked in the first place.

I read a thread on here and many people thought it was "cool" to talk about how much they earned but I didnt agree.

tbh If my DH told his friends how much I earn, I would go ballistic. It’s private, and something I wouldn’t want him to discuss with other people. If he wanted to talk to them about his salary, then that’s his choice, but definitely not disclose my income to someone else.

It's her own silly fault for asking. She must have known that there was a very good chance that she wouldn't like your answer. She has only succeeded in making herself feel more miserable. Her personal circumstances and your OH's wage are in no way related. She sounds bitter and attention seeking...

So, she was being nosey, and didn't like your answer, but a real friend would be happy for you, that you aren't struggling financially, at least.

She needs to knock off the passive/aggressive comments though.

Some years ago the recession hit us hard. We had to juggle which bill to pay each month because we couldn't afford them all. We never went out, never got haircuts, absolutely slashed our household shopping to the bone. It was absolutely grinding, and felt never ending.

By contrast, DP's brother and wife are very affluent. Their business took off about 15 years ago and is very successful. They don't brag, don't talk money at all but they'd get a new top of the range car. Or a luxury weekend away while I was crying over not being able to heat the house. So sometimes I felt like they were on a different planet to me and had no idea of what we had to go without in order to just feed ourselves. And I admit, I got jealous (I really don't think I ever showed it) but once I got back on my feet a bit, that evaporated.
So maybe your friend is just coming from a very tough place right now where all her main life issues are money related?

Nosy, rude, cheeky fucker and envious to boot! What are her good points?!
At this point you've got nothing to lose but tell her very bluntly what's on your mind.
Take it from there. Money is such a funny one.

The only justification I can see for her being so awful, is if you are tight with money on the night out or regularly. Splitting bills exactly, sharing cab fair, being anal about rounds etc, not buying her kids birthday gifts if she buys for yours, missing her birthday etc.I've never been very wealthy, but when I am with friends who are struggling I will be more generous. If she's saved for a month to afford going out for drinks with you and you count the pennies, that's the only reason I can see for her behaviour. Otherwise she's being extremely odd.

I’ve been the poor friend, and it was painful and hard. Wondering how I was going to pay bills, buy food. Unable to enjoy life because it was such a struggle. It was hard watching my friends do (deservedly) well. I came through that and now am in a better place. For a long while, jealousy and anger consumed me, and I pulled away from them all but I never explained why. It came at a time of poor mental health. It’s taken a few years but our friendships are restored again.

She’s obviously struggling. She asked a stupid question, and now she knows, she’s just perhaps angry you guys have it easier whilst she struggles. If you see good friends before this find a way to support her to be happy again. And maybe address the fact that talking about money is not what you want to do. But honestly when you have none, it rules your life in a way that people with money don’t understand.

as someone once said why ask a question if youre not going to like the answer

i dont ask anyone how much they or their partners earn if they want to tell me fine vut its not my business

she doesnt seem very nice im sure shes had it hard but money really isnt everything

I don't blame her for feeling jealous; that's only natural. Most of us have moments of envy and sadness over the unfairness of life. But she did ask for this information (which she must have known would only feed the bitterness), and feeling jealous doesn't mean she has to voice it and almost engineer ways to bring the income disparity into the conversation.

That's not acceptable behaviour in a friend.

Thanks for all the replies. Didn't expect so many!

To those saying I shouldn't have actually told her, well no, but it wasn't quite that simple. I kept trying to avoid and she started throwing numbers at me "x amount?.... xx amount?....Not more than xxx amount?!" and I said "well...something like that". Still shouldn't have even said that, but like I said, a fair amount of rum had been consumed by this point and I was hoping that would just be the end of it.

I do feel sorry for her. She's not a bad person and I actually can understand why she might be behaving like this, as a couple of posters have said, but that doesn't mean this can continue. I don't deserve it.

I really do think I've been a good friend. I have always been there for her when relationships have broken down, I look after her dc at the drop of a hat when they were poorly and she couldn't get out of work. I am always there when she needs a chat or a hug, or glass of wine...or all 3! I don't expect a medal. These are things that friends do, but just because things are now going a little better for me, apparently that warrants some warped resentment for me.

I think you need to examine why you felt 'compelled' to tell her.

You can't stop people being inappropriately intrusive. You can deflect it.

This friendship can't be salvaged. Treat it as a learning curve for the next.

This sucks. She’s being a cow. It’s quite amazing all the feedback on here how common it seems this is. Who does this? It’s no ones business. What does she want, a handout? You to struggle to? You need to give her a stern talking to

i think people are being too harsh all round. If a good trusted longstanding friend asked me about house income i'd tell them, i'd probably make it about house income not actual salary as many people with high salaries are not able to disclose them under employment terms. It sounds like she is genuinely shaken she is thinking "where the f*ck did i go wrong" because she has so many things wrong with her life at the moment. Why not ask her how she feels about it, whether anything is wrong?

Or she is having an affair with your dh and he has told her a porky pie.
But hopefully it isn't that.

I've had it tough for a very long time. Poor MH, bad past relationship, very difficult DC I am really sorry I read this as her!! She is being very U if she is calling your life perfect and giving you a hard time about money. Sorry

I think a lot of people have the assumption that people who are well paid, do nothing. So they get jealous.

Why do you still want to be friends with her?

She seems awful!

You gave up info you shouldn't have been asked. If you want to salvage the friendship you need to talk about how you are feeling - not easy though...I am trying to convince myself to call out a friend on her behaviour.

I assume the friend knows roughly what the op earns or that she doesn’t work so knows the finances are coming from her husband. Hence the question.

She’s envious of your lifestyle, you know this. I do wonder if there has been some subtle bragging along the lines op somewhere though.

@CalmdownJanet

The next time she says anything I'd say "Oh fuck off Mary, you know I don't have a perfect life. You were down right rude asking me how much dh earned and you put me in an awkward position, and you've been rude ever since. I suggest you don't ask questions you don't want answers to in future. Know this though that from now on if you want to be friends you need to stop with the digs about money and my life or I am done because you are showing a really shitty side to yourself at the moment and I am sick of it"

I love this answer. So perfectly to the point.

She put you in an impossible position. If you were honest, she'd hate you for it and if you refused to answer she'd hate you for it.

Its about her own insecurity and wanting to blame others for her poor life choices which aren't your responsibility.

She's jealous and not handling it well. For whatever reason.

She's not your friend. A friend would be happy for you and not put you in that position. They would understand your financial wellbeing isn't a slight against her. Her financial hardships are not your fault but she's holding it against you and equating the two.

I've got to honest. Money does get in the way of friendships. I wish it didn't but it does. Life lesson her - don't disclose certain information no matter how close you are.

Or she is having an affair with your dh and he has told her a porky pie.

Do we have a MN award for Massive Random Reach of the Day?

I don’t think she’s a true friend. I’d not trust her, she’s too jealous for my liking and people like that you can do without.

All the people saying its weird that OP told her...what do you do when your friend asks you a straight question?? Just say 'no I'm not saying?' That's really weird.

Then again culturally in the UK I've found people are not happy to discuss money. And then they are also quite happy to be nasty about people who have more money than them - like the OPs friend.

Money has never gotten in the way of my friendships - I'm quite an average earner, and among my closest friends some are single mums who don't earn very much, others are in finance on 6 figures. Money is only an issue between friends if you make it one.