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Original poster

Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

254 replies

noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:00

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 10/08/2020 12:02

Why is it hurtful? Maybe they just don’t like small children that much and have done their time?

goatley · 10/08/2020 12:04

Yes same. I had to ask for any assistance. All day care was paid childminder or nursery. As a working single parent I needed a lot of it.
My (only) DC was their first grandchild. DPs seem to have grown into grandparenting more with their subsequent grandchildren.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2020 12:04

How are your husband's parents with them?

When my kids were little, my parents and my inlaws would look after them while we went out for an evening or if I had appointments during the day.

However, I never expected them to have them overnight.

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ShellsandSand · 10/08/2020 12:05

I get no help from my parents or DH parents. I have two at ages 8 and 5. They have 4 grandparents and a step grandma. Doesn't bother me as they still love to see them and we all meet up for days out and visits. Its really tough don't get me wrong, never having a break from the kids but I would never ask and I'm quite stoic about the situation.

PaternosterLoft · 10/08/2020 12:08

No nothing here until 5 or so years ago now 1 grandparent will do 1 day every now and again. We paid for nursery even when I wasn't working just so I got some time to myself to clean and shop which I got ridiculed for by friends who had GPs doing school pick ups, babysitting and every other weekend overnights Hmm

Original poster
noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:09

Why is it hurtful? Maybe they just don’t like small children that much and have done their time?

Because I know so many others who get so much support from their parents with their DC. They want to help out and play an active role. As I said above my mum's own sister has her granddaughter overnight every week.

Was it really that unreasonable to want more than a couple of hours of help when I'd literally just had another baby?

OP posts:
sardinesardinia · 10/08/2020 12:09

My parents and in laws will offer if we are desperate e.g. they had DS one day when we were moving house, or occasionally if it's just a few hours.

I get the least support of anyone I know.

My parents I feel more annoyed with as I know they got help from my grandparents and they are now retired. But it is what it is.

barbrahunter · 10/08/2020 12:10

I got very little help from my parents when my children were little, and DH's parents lived in another country. I just got on with it, like you do, but it did hurt a bit when I saw how involved and generous with time/things other Grandparents were, compared to my parents.

GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby · 10/08/2020 12:11

My family live nearly 2 hours away, no SO so its me or no one. I dont think i even thought to ask for help. Once my cm stopped mindin my DS with no notice and i just had to pull up my pants and get on with it. Its tough but you muddle through

ShellsAndSunrises · 10/08/2020 12:11

I don't have my own kids yet, but I have many friends with kids - they get varying degrees of help. None have hugely hands-on help, though - what you said about needing lots of notice for babysitting and it being for a limited time is quite accurate for most of them. They'd never take the kids off their own accord, there are very limited if any sleepovers, and none of them have grandparental care instead of paid childcare.

There are loads of people who do have amazing grandparents, but I think they are the exception, not the rule. Little kids are relentless. It is really easy to think that everyone has more help than you, though.

Original poster
noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:13

How are your husband's parents with them?

They live a 5 hour drive away but if we're staying with them they'll babysit for an evening so we can go out for a meal.

OP posts:
innitbloodysuper · 10/08/2020 12:13

I get no help from my parents. Usually the six week holidays cost me £800 in various clubs but due to covid clubs are off and I'm working from home. My parents are retired and never offer to have them. I haven't asked as I know they're busy doing their own thing. It's just the way it is with some grandparents.

YorkieTheRabbit · 10/08/2020 12:14

How old are your parents and do they still work? When DP’s grandchildren are in their teens now but when they were small we would only offer to have them in emergencies or arranged well in advance for something like a wedding. We were both working full time, DP running a business and could end up working weekends with little notice. We didn’t really feel like doing a full week at work then look after children at the weekend. We would have them over as a family and I’d always entertain them for a couple of hours but that was pretty much it. We would always do our best to help out if there was illness.

Original poster
noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:15

My parents I feel more annoyed with as I know they got help from my grandparents and they are now retired. But it is what it is.

Exactly the same situation. In fact both my sets of grandparents actually moved house to be closer to my parents so they could help out more.

OP posts:
Original poster
noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:16

They're retired.

OP posts:
woodhill · 10/08/2020 12:16

I would love to help more but we are over 2 hours away and I'm not convinced it's wanted, Seriously thinking about moving nearer

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 10/08/2020 12:16

I don’t get any help from DS’s grandparents. We just middle through together, it’s not their job to provide me with offers of childcare. Never really crossed my mind to be honest. They play an active role in his life, we visit, they play with him, but that’s the end of it.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 10/08/2020 12:18

My mother made it abundantly clear when I told her I was expecting DC1 that she would not care for her ( later she had my sisters’ children regularly but never mine)
I had to beg her to have dc1 when I was miscarrying dc2, and had to self-discharge from hospital because she wouldn’t look after her for a third night.
My MIL never did a thing for them either.
It’s really sad because effectively my dcs never had good times with their grandparents either, so everyone missed out.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/08/2020 12:18

Maybe they just want to enjoy their grandchildren rather than be the default childcare given they have raised their children. Grandparents get no say in grandchildren or how many.

If you need to nap or want a lie in then your DH needs to help and vice versa. Presumably you knew the amount of care needed for a child after your first and so can’t really complain re no help.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2020 12:19

With regards to your friends having parents who happily help out etc...

As a 51 year old, lots of my friends are grandparents and they often feel put upon, especially when it comes to regular childcare and the expectations of the actual parents.

A lot of them just want to be grandparents. That used to involve seeing grandkids at weekends and having the odd day out at the seaside etc.

Nowadays it seems increasingly different with them being expected to commit to regular days to save on childcare fees, or they're given 'lists of activities' and lists of dietary requirements etc.

One friend said she half expects an OFSTED visit by the time her DIL has finished with her lists of do's and don'ts 🤣

Rosieredapples · 10/08/2020 12:20

Nothing from one side, I mean absolutely nothing, we asked if they could babysit four year old while we attended a funeral and were refused, it was for two or three hours on a Wednesday afternoon, they were both retired and didn't have plans. We never asked again and certainly no offers have been made, I most sad about it as they have no relationship with my kids, we visit, we take round gifts, make them cakes etc etc they pat the kids heads don't speak to them and then turn homes under the hammer up on full blast.
Other side would always help but lived four hours away.
I feel for you OP it's the relationship you want to build not just the off my hands part which is helpful. My in-laws seem surprised none of their grandkids really do anything with them but they've never invested any time or attention so what do they expect. I was cross when were exhausted parents of toddlers now I'm sad for the relationship they've missed out on. I had such lovely memories of my grandparents of baking or going out or doing a puzzle even watching the wrestling with my grandad or waiting for him to have a sneaky cigar at the end of the garden.

RainingDogsAndDogs · 10/08/2020 12:20

We have grandparents and step grandparents and none will actively ask to have our kid, they don't want the hassle. We get a night off once every 4-5 months and I feel like even that is a total inconvenience. Once a month would be an absolute godsend, never mind once a week!

I'm jealous of my SIL as her parents are very involved with her kids and do regular childcare so she can work and also delighted to have the kids whenever! But her family is VERY extroverted and mine are all introverts so I wonder if that is one of the causes.

My parents used to send me to my grandparents for a week during the summer and multiple other times during the year. No one would ever take mine for a week!

My kid is quite extroverted and me and DH are introverts, so we feel drained a lot of the time.

BlueThursday · 10/08/2020 12:20

DHs parents are pretty helpful and DD likes so stay there fairly frequently overnight

My own Parents provide nothing which does grate on me as my brother and I were sent to my grans every single weekend so they could go out partying. They still like to party so weekends with them are a no no since they’ll be out

WinterAndRoughWeather · 10/08/2020 12:21

Some people don’t like looking after small children, there’s no reason to take it personally. I get why it’s frustrating, since a lot of people do get help from grandparents, but to find it hurtful is unreasonable.

Original poster
noheatwaveplease · 10/08/2020 12:22

To be clear, I don't actually expect them to take the DC every week or anything like that. I do agree that this is going above and beyond and the people who get that support are very lucky (although I do know lots of people in that position...)

But it's the fact that they have almost no interest in helping on an ad hoc basis. Not having DD1 to stay for a night or two during the holidays, barely helping out at all when I'd just had another baby, not wanting to do bathtime or bedtime or really anything when I go to stay with them. They just think it's all my job (which it is...I get that. But a lot of people have grandparents helping out where they can, even though they don't have to).

OP posts: