Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

Just bear it in mind when they become more elderly that quid pro quo, you needn't feel obliged to run around helping them out.

You are not alone OP. My parents never offered any help at all. DM used to come around when my babies were tiny, and declare she was there to be entertained, not to help. Also, as they were older, and retired, they did their own thing, too busy, or away. DH's parents lived far away.

From memory my parents had DD1 for one weekend when she was small, and DD1 never wanted us to go away again, and for the night when I had DD2. They baby-sitted rarely, the last time DM set fire to a tea towel, that was the last time!

1 grandparent elderly and disabled other grandparent lives 4 hours away. We have had 3 nights alone in nearly 4 years as we don't have babysitters on hand. All childcare is full time nursery. We were due to have another family member babysit tomorrow night but that was cancelled due to a family emergency so we just plod on with it all. Sometimes it would be lovely to have more of a break but we are just used to it now.

Forgot to add, I had to look after their house and cats when they were away for 6 months a year though, even with a full time job and babies......

None at all but we do live on the other side of the world and both sets are elderly. I think having no other family nearby contributed to the breakdown of our marriage - no time alone as a couple in 8 years.

Just bear it in mind when they become more elderly that quid pro quo, you needn't feel obliged to run around helping them out.

Ha ha ha ha, you would think. See my posts above, DM tells me every day what a revolting daughter I am for not having her living with me, and looking after her, after everything she did for me.

No help, but no interference either. The people I know who have substantial help have to parent to please the grandparents and end up with things like haircuts they specifically asked them not to get. Couldn’t be doing with that.

One friend said she half expects an OFSTED visit by the time her DIL has finished with her lists of do's and don'ts

But that isn't even close to my situation.

You said yourself that when yours were little your parents and in laws would watch them when you went for appointments. That's great in my book and the kind of support I can only dream of from my own parents.

@WorraLiberty

Nowadays it seems increasingly different with them being expected to commit to regular days to save on childcare fees, or they're given 'lists of activities' and lists of dietary requirements etc.

Yes I can see how that would be annoying for the GPs and the kids. We spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents growing up, including whole weeks at theirs during the holidays, and part of the joy of it was getting Nanna’s cooking and treats we wouldn’t normally have.

I get no help from my parents. My parents live 2 hours away. The only time my mum has had them alone overnight was when I asked ages in advance. She uses the excuse if we lived nearer. I have other family here who were more hands on when my ds was little, ( my mums sisters). You just have to get in with it. But like I pointed out to her recently my priorities will be the same when it comes to her old age. My grandmother will help out in an emergency now they are older ( she's nearly 90 so needs to have a rest in the day)

(which it is...I get that. But a lot of people have grandparents helping out where they can, even though they don't have to).

But the reality is often that these grandparents aren't as happy about it as your friends may think.

Also the 'Oh they're retired so why not?' attitude (I'm not suggesting you have it OP) really pisses some grandparents off.

It's the assumption that they have nothing better to do, when in reality some of my retired friends have never been busier.

My parents are both too old to have sole charge of a toddler. Mil is too busy looking after her other grandkids it helps to be the first to have them.
Not bothered though, as I've witnessed on these boards, help often comes with strings attached.

Yup. same here. My DM died when I was very early in my pregnancy with DS1 and my DDad just isnt equipped to look after him. My MIL makes lots of noise about wanting to help but its just noise. I am not sure what we will do with DS1 when I am in labour with no2. pay for help i suppose.

it is sad. I had a wonderful relationship with my DM's parents and we were so close. they have gone now too. I mourn that sense of a wider family that I had growing up.

One friend said she half expects an OFSTED visit by the time her DIL has finished with her lists of do's and don'ts

That reminds of some of dh's relations that once asked me to have their child (on top of my 3, having never offered to take any of ours once in the previous 10 years) because the mum wasn't feeling well. They then went through the requirements of I had to pick up (half an hour away) and exact times for everything. When I said I couldn't do this as I had school pickups then they told me to find someone else to pick up my dc. I didn't do it.
Fast forward a year and they asked us is we'd do babysitting swaps as they could never find anyone to babysit. We refused. We never had any problems finding babysitters even at short notice...

OP: We had no help-my dp are 400 miles away, dh's close on 200. If we do see my parents they want to see me too, so they'd be disappointed if my reaction was "here are the dc, I'm off to bed." However if I asked them, they probably would do it, just not every time as that would make it pretty obvious I wanted to use them as child care and not want to see them.

The lack of support when I had our kid was hard. I had my DH but when he went back to work, I was just alone. It was like no one really cared. I get that many people would be in the same position, I just didn't expect to feel so isolated. I got myself out eventually to playgroups etc but got hit hard by PND.

What you describe as others having as routine sounds very odd. Ourselves and everyone we knew either had parents who were several hours away or more typically not in the same country, or had parents who still worked and/or had many other commitments. It’s really rare for people to retire these days, people just keep going and it’s more likely that some health issue means they can no longer work. This also means that looking after young grandchildren is no longer possible at that point. Even if they do live in close proximity and are younger and active, it’s a hard ask for someone who is in employment to give up their downtime so that you can have your downtime.

Things have changed hugely since we had relationships with our grandparents who retired with a hard stop at young ages and were still up for caring for young grandchildren.

We and everyone we knew just got on with it by ourselves. If you want a lay-in or nap it will have to be on a day yourself and your other half does not work and you take it in turns, each if you gets a lie in or nap once a week or fortnight in turns for example. It’s a hard slog but lots b if people do it and manage.

If you need to nap or want a lie in then your DH needs to help and vice versa.

My DH wasn't there as he was working, I went to stay for a week and took both girls with me as my parents said they wanted to see us. And I ended up totally shattered as it was even harder work that being at home where at least we can do our own thing and I can share the load a bit more with DH!

I guess I could just stop visiting them altogether but I want my DC to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Don’t let comparison be the thief of joy. Try and appreciate the relationship your parents will have with your kids for what it is.

My mum unfortunately died before I had my kids and my dad has a lovely relationship with my son BUT I have no expectations of him in terms of childcare etc. He would help out if I ask on a one off for a wedding or something but he has his own life to live to and I totally get and appreciate that. The fact that they are close and have fun together when they see each other is enough.

Have you asked them to help you when you visit?

@WorraLiberty

With regards to your friends having parents who happily help out etc...

As a 51 year old, lots of my friends are grandparents and they often feel put upon, especially when it comes to regular childcare and the expectations of the actual parents.

A lot of them just want to be grandparents. That used to involve seeing grandkids at weekends and having the odd day out at the seaside etc.

Nowadays it seems increasingly different with them being expected to commit to regular days to save on childcare fees, or they're given 'lists of activities' and lists of dietary requirements etc.

One friend said she half expects an OFSTED visit by the time her DIL has finished with her lists of do's and don'ts 🤣

This.

My parents live abroad and DH's mother has had very ill health since long before we married (his father died when my h was 21).

So we've just had to muddle through with 3 children in 5 years.

It would have been nice to have things be different but it is what it is. Really a waste of time and emotion being put out, hurt, blah blah blah about it.

Honestly? I really don't like toddlers and did not enjoy that stage or the pre-school stage with my own so if I have grandkids I can't see that changing much. Just barely tolerated all the soft plays and farms and playgrounds but was bored AF.

Some people don't like small children.

Stop going round there with the kids if you're shattered. Hire babysitters. Crack on with it.

With my friends their parents either have their kids what I would call a crazy amount of not at all.

I feel when I have GC - well if I do, I would love to see them regularly and spend time with them, maybe take them on holiday for a week but I defo would commit to child care weekly, I feel like I’ve drained myself raising my own and by that point I’ll like to have my days to myself!

Have you tried having a frank and open conversation to ask for what you would like and understand what they actually think ?

Same here, it's shit isn't it.

We live in a different country to my parents, but visit the UK once or twice a year (in non-COVID times obviously) and normally my mum comes to us once or twice a year as well.

I guess the best way to describe them when it comes to my kids is passive. For example, when my mum comes to stay, she would never dream of offering to get up in the morning with them so I could have a lie in. Equally, if we've all been out to the beach or something, she would never think to help unpack, watch the kids whilst I showered or anything. She would just go upstairs and take a leisurely bath whilst I was wrestling hot sandy kids, emptying the cool bag, trying to get my own wet swimming costume off etc.

I wouldn't mind so much, but they talk alllllll the time about how much they miss the children and make me feel quite guilty about living so far away. Yet I know that even if we lived down the road from them, it wouldn't be much different.

What you describe as others having as routine sounds very odd.

Well I assure you I'm not lying, and others on the thread have also said they know lots of others with that set up 🤷‍♀️ I guess you and I just move in very different circles!

It never was on the agenda. Too far away. Too old.

What does grate is a significant swathe of society that assumes that it's normal to have conveniently located grandparents, sprightly and freshly retired and interested and assuming that help is avaliable and that you're awkward because it doesn't exist (not to mention the costs and additional logistics of outsourcing what many take for granted)

Both sets are in their 80s and CBA that much with the noise and bother of lively children anymore. While MiL never was going to have the practical relationship with our DCs that their local cousins got, being grandchildren 9 & 10 she doesn't show much more than polite interest. Been there, done it, most of the others are approaching adulthood.

Fairly similar with DM (although fewer cousins to compare) she likes DS2's sunny nature, but struggles with DS1 who can be quite prickly (has ASD). Their needs are not terribly compatible and the operate at different paces which doesn't bring out the best in him and the cycle continues...

Also both being elderly and not interested in technology, there's no means to share things like photos as a way of building intetest/ bonding.

I never expected help so no disappointment there. But more interest wouldn't go amiss.