Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

We get no help. The only time has been recently, when they agreed to look after our son when I was in labour. They were here for two days. My husband is working from home, so prepared all meals etc. I went in on the Monday, and he dropped me off at the hospital for induction. He popped back in the evening for an hour but that was it. I went into labour on the Tues and he was with me for most of the day but was home by around six. I came home on the Wednesday. Our son got bad nappy rash because they hadn't thought to change his nappy regularly.
Apart from that, no help. Not even when I had to go to hospital last November, or when we moved house last summer. My mum did babysit for two hours on my birthday last year so we could have a meal locally, but we had to provide food and drink for her, and feed, change and put our son to bed before we left. She literally sat downstairs with a bottle of wine. He is a great sleeper, so she didn't have any interaction with him.
It pisses me off because we lived next door to one set of grandparents growing up. They had me there after school every day and throughout the holidays, although they did nothing according to the false narrative my parents now try to spin.
It sucks. Sorry you are experiencing this, OP.

@Notsurewhatsgoingon thank you for that post. So true! ❤️
you are not alone!
I also hope to do the best I can to ensure that our children have all the support we can possibly provide (if/when they ever have children of their own)

Retired as in 65+ or retired as in early 50’s with a pension / investment income?
It makes a big difference, I’m a reasonably fit and healthy 54, I gave up work to take care of my Grandson, DD is a teacher so at least I get a break, even if we are now tied to school hols.

He is one and obviously needs constant supervision, I’m worn out after a few days with him, I can’t imagine doing it in my 60’s.
His other GPs are mid 50’s, both retired and well off, they offered to have him one day a week but won’t drive to DD’s in a morning / stay there for the day or take him to theirs/bring him back home in an afternoon so it’s a non starter as both DD + her partner work in the opposite direction, they would have to drop him off at 6am 🙄 whereas I get there for 7.15 ish and it would mean either one of them driving for 45 mins past their own house at 5 to go and collect him.

It’s obviously too much to ask of the other GPs, to put themselves out slightly on one day a week.

@uniglowooljumper yes I do when it comes to mn actually.
Comes from the time I reached out for help and advice in the middle of a breakdown when feeling suicidal and I got posters telling me to get over it and get on with it. So yes mn can often make you defensive and bitter

Yes, we had some when dd was tiny. For which I was very grateful. Then when my nephews came along it sort of died away. My s-in-law lives very near my m-in-law so they still get some grandparent childcare. I don’t mind, we had a super childminder around the corner and dd gets on well with my mother. We muddled through without.

Meganplays I know what you mean about the park. I was assumed to be a Nanny once by a kids Grandmother and another time I was actually offered a job as they thought I was a paid person looking after my own kid at the playground. Funny.

OP, I too have had little help from my parents and none from PIL. Very limited. My parents will do appointments which was great. They will see both me and DS max once a week during holidays but no more than this.

One time we asked MIL to have DS so we could go to a wedding. She "forgot" and booked something away. Never asked again.

Another time I asked my own parents to have DS one evening so I could go to a concert. Again they "forgot" and booked something else so couldn't do it. I haven't asked since. (my DS is a quiet delightful lad, no trouble at all, and that's the truth!)

As we are talking about circles, I am not alone in mine having this situation. Most, maybe all my friends have very little or no help from Grandparents so i don't feel unusual in that sense.

My husband parents are divorced and neither are in the kids lives. One lives the other end of England and hasn't seen them I two years. In fact possibly only even met them a handful of times. They get on great with dh but I find the whole thing awkward the older the kids get (eldest is 16) and I think me and kids could happily never see them again. They are strangers we are related too.

Mil lives abroad and has since our second was born. So she is also disinterested and absent. I think of her as a aunt and the kids dont think of her at all.

My mum we see at least four times a year but the kids think she is mean.

I do still resent that they actively choose to not be present or available emotionally or physically. But it is what is. None of us are close and dont plan on visiting them in their dotate with the kids.

My kids dont care about them now either. Swings and roundabouts. They reap what they sew which is zero 🤣

If my dh was no longer in my life I would very happily never see any of them.again as I suspect they dont want to hassle that comes with little kids but would happily go for a drink with them.as young adults. But it doesn't work like that as the kids have zero rapour with them and ince they are 20 the GP will be pushing 80

None, ever. I mean, not even an hour.
they are all retired and all live a long way away tbf
but (ex)H's parents and sister, BIL etc would travel 250 miles annually, take a house 5miles from us and not even let us know they'd arrived (!).We asked them once to look after ds, 3, for an hour so we could have a coffee (baby in tow) to discuss shakey marriage. Answer: NO

Its hard with NO family input at all but we did decide to have kids so it is our job etc ... sad for kids they didnt' get to know them. FIL just died and neither kid decided to travel for his funeral. (not C 19 related, they won't for the rest of them either - they barely know them)

Also, me and dh have just moved house knowing that his parents will never visit. That's the level of disinterest. Such a shame as they are still so young and fit. But they choose to live their best lives ever and theres no room in either lives for kids. At all.

what I have found difficult is MIL's insistence on having 'lovely pics to show my friends'. I find that rather hypocritical (ie representing herself as interested Grandmother when she never phones, sends a letter etc)
But, it's their loss!

My parents are pretty hands on, 1 day every couple of weeks, school pick up if needed. Occasional stays over etc. I don't understand why if gps are fit & healthy, retired & live close they wouldn't be hands on. Is it a cultural thing? i'm not English & my grandparents did loads for my parents.

Of course it should never be expected however it's a two-way street. My mums neighbour never stops moaning that her only son & gcs moved 300 miles away & he no longer comes around every weekend to help with maintenance etc. She has never provided even one hour of childcare of course it's a no brainer for her son to move near his wife's family who are incredibly hands on.

I personally think it's lovely for kids to have close relationships with their gps

When I was a kid me and my siblings spent so much time with our grandparents and aunts - not just while my parents worked but at the weekend too! They'd go on weekends away, a full holiday without us kids once a year, nights out etc. Sometimes we'd go to my Grandma's just because my mum needed a break. They had so much help from family.

Now my mum and dad are not interested in my kids at all. & yes, it does sting a bit. On the very few times I've asked my mum for help she tells me she "did her time" raising kids and if I want help I should hire someone because she did it all with no help either. I'm just like ????. She seriously thinks she did it alone. She expected me to give birth to DC2 alone because an hour before I went for my induction she decided she didn't want to come and watch DC1 because it might have taken more than a couple of hours.

My in laws aren't bothered about being grandparents either. They can only stomach an hour or two with the kids, and us, never alone and only twice a year.

It makes me feel quite sad, I adored my grandparents, felt so loved and cared for by them and we had a great relationship and I feel terrible that my kids are missing out on that.

@Baaaahhhhh why did you agree to that?!

We get no help either. I think for me I find it more disappointing they don’t want one on one time with their grandchild.

I’m due a baby in 4 weeks and really worried about who will mind DS1 (16 months) because nobody ever has and my mother has said she would come over if I was ‘really stuck’. The other grandparents wouldn’t be willing to come over at all if I was in labour.

What were your parents like as parents, OP? Were they really hands-on, daytrip-out types, or did they prefer to have routine & regulations and you mostly were self-sufficient-ish as children?

I know it is galling if they had a lot of help with you as a DC from their own DPs (your GPs) but perhaps that was because they actually didn't enjoy the experience of small children much and fundamentally don't fancy it again.

It is a bit shit, and I sympathise. But I think unless you ask explicitly, tell them what you would really like and need from them, make your feelings known, then you will get what you have always got.

There's nothing wrong with saying explicitly "Mum & Dad, I wish you felt a bit more confident in having the DC over to stay, or for days out - they would love it and I could do with the break! Are you worried about having them on their own?"

I always find it interesting reading about these situations. You often find that the posters who had a loving and close relationship with their own grandparents don't then get that for their own children. And vice versa. There's a plausible reason for that. Probably because if your own parents were always off doing their own thing and leaving you with your grandparents then they were probably naturally more selfish people who maybe didn't enjoy parenthood so much. Stands to reason they'd make selfish grandparents too, despite having help from their own parents when their kids were young. I think some people are "takers" rather than "givers" too.

My mum got minimal help from her own mother when we were little. Mum didn't work when we were very little but that didn't mean that she didn't need a break. She was a youngish mum and sometimes she didn't have much patience with us or seem to want to spend much one on one time with us although we felt very loved and were well looked after.

In contrast she is the best grandparent ever. Full of patience and was happy to have the kids overnight from a young age for our wedding anniversary etc. My kids are now teens and have a nice relationship with them. We've spent many family holidays together etc. She said that because she never got any help and would really have benefitted from it then she didn't want that repeated for me. She is a nice, generous soul!

That said, I never took the piss. She knew I only asked her to mind the kids if desperate eg if I was ill, or couldn't pick them up from school/nursery for another reason and also for the odd evening out with DH. DH often worked away so I regularly stayed at their house overnight with the kids so they weren't looking after them on their own, and it was company for me too plus an extra pair of hands when DS2 had colic and screamed for hours at DS1's bedtime.

Some parents today do seem to take the piss. I also know people whose mothers have their children every Friday night overnight. I can't imagine grandparents finding this easy, and it's very tying for them - do they turn down social invitations as they say "no I can't come, I mind DGCs on that night".

I'm an older parent. When my DC was born my mother had already died and my father was elderly and too far away to be of practical help. My IL's have babysat from time to time but they are not 'getting on a bit'.
Many friends my age have late teens or are grandparents and are now enjoying their 'freedom'.
I can see why it feels hurtful when everyone else is seeming to get help, but that's just the way it is, unfortunately.

My parents have looked after my children twice, one evening , once in the afternoon . Max 3 hrs each time. My DD'S are 8 and 11. They look after other granchildren regularly. I have given up asking.
You are not being unreasonable to be hurt by it.

MN Will mostly tell you are .
Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is though. X

Oh boy where do I begin...

This is from way back but still very present in my mind as it is so shocking.

I had three children in four years. When the oldest started nursery the youngest was 12 days old. I remember that time with not much affection. The baby never slept. He kept me awake at night and cat napped during the day. I was tired and worn out and my mother knew all of it.

She only visited my children on the day they were born, 1st birthdays and Easter. The rest of the time she showed no interest in any of them, preferring to call me up and talk endlessly about my sister's children.

This went on for years.

I pride myself on being a good mum despite never having any help in any way whatsoever.

You can't choose family can you

OP I do get it. Our GP's are very loving and if they lived closer would defo do more childcare, but as it is, we have no help. We knew when having 3rd DC that we wouldn't have people queuing up to babysit and still chose to go ahead. Some days are hard and it's totally fine to acknowledge you need a break and some support.

I do think it's sad that the sense of family seems to be disappearing. A lot of comments around 'you shouldn't have DC if you knew you'd need help' or 'GP's have done their time, so tough luck.' The whole reason I've had children is to build a long term family. Not to turn my back the minute they need my support. Who knows if my DC will be nearby when we're older, but if we can make it work, we'll do everything we can. I want a close relationship with any grandchildren and my children. Regular contact, sleepovers, baking together etc. We've chosen to build a family and that lasts forever, not just until my DC leave home. I'd hate to think of any of my children struggling, needing a break, trying to keep their marriage together etc and DH and I saying, 'sorry it's not convenient, you've made your bed, now lie in it!' It takes a village.

Mine weren’t interested in helping out and we were near neighbours. The other grandparent had dementia. I had to get on with it and XH did absolutely nothing to help. I just got on with it. It would have been good if things were different, but these are things you can’t do much about, apart from get rid of H, which I did.

You often find that the posters who had a loving and close relationship with their own grandparents don't then get that for their own children. And vice versa. There's a plausible reason for that. Probably because if your own parents were always off doing their own thing and leaving you with your grandparents then they were probably naturally more selfish people who maybe didn't enjoy parenthood so much. Stands to reason they'd make selfish grandparents too

I think this is really true for a lot of people, CurlyHairedAssassin. It's a dynamic I think is at play.

My siblings and I spent loads of time with GPs - childcare, weekends, overnights - but my DPs are really brilliant GPs themselves now, and love a daytrip out or supervising the DC in activities they've devised for them one-on-one or as a group. But they were brilliant parents too who enjoyed family time, daytrips, holidays, new experiences. So my DC are really lucky to have them.

My MIL is very supportive but doesn't do overnights, and wasn't in her element when they were young, would never have offered to do bathtime or bedtime or stories if me or DH were on hand to do it instead. She'd look after them for the day if we provided all food and a schedule and did all the thinking, or would babysit for an evening when they were in bed. But she doesn't much enjoy it. She'd never voluntarily offer a daytrip out - but my DH grew up not having daytrips either, so that's her normal.

My FIL (DH's parents are divorced) would never in a month of Sundays offer childcare, help or anything but loves being with small DC ... as long as he's not expected to be sole charge. So absolutely zero help offered there. He didn't do practical childcare for his own kids, though - he was Fun Dad with a Wife to do all the boring stuff.

I think people repeat what they were like as parents, mostly.

@noheatwaveplease would you try asking them if they could be more involved? You could say that you remember how lovely it was spending time with your GP when you were little and how you would like that for your DC too? I don't think YABU at all.

We don't have any help btw, due to various circumstances.

No help from the in-laws (30 min drive away) but it’s not personal. They’re in their mid 70s and just couldn’t cope with very small children.

Before lockdown my mum had just started looking after the baby 1 day a week. We have been sticking to the guidelines, so this has not yet resumed.

I think if we asked in an emergency they would say yes, but neither side would proactively offer. We’re fine with that.